Marriage with a know it all

  • Thread starter Thread starter godspiritmom
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
G

godspiritmom

Guest
I come humbly asking for guidance. I have been married to W for 15 years. I have been a ccd teacher and been very active in my church for 8 years. That ended about 3 years ago and we changed parishes. I am now starting to find my way in a new parish and find that the old problems are creeping up again.

I study Catholic teaching and doctrine. I have read several good Catholic books on marriage and have worked very hard to institute the advise given.

My problem is that I am gaining resentment for my husband. I ended my tenure at the previous parish because my husband kept getting into arguments with the director and couldn’t get home in time for me to get to my classes on time.

Now, I am trying to be part of the rosary group and he has decided it would be better for him to say the rosary before mass instead of me.

We have many problems. He works all the time. His conversation is all about work. He has no responsibility here at home. Everything is my job. I don’t work outside the home because it would mean I have too much to do and because I could not guarantee that I could be anywhere at a specific time.

I used to plead my case and try to get him to see through the books that we are not in a good marriage, but all that got was him now giving advise to others from the book on how to live their lives.

It has been a continual problem for me in that when I tell him somthing of doctrine or such he then uses that to condemn others.

We are truely complete opposites.

I feel like I am invisible. I get such joy from being at Church but would rather go alone. I like the people I meet and feel we have much in common. I get the love I need from the Church, so that I can bring it back to my family.

I don’t want to end up like I did in the first parish and am thinking about just sitting back and letting him take over so that there is not the same friction.

I will not get divorced. I was divorced once because my husband moved in with his now wife and left me and the kids. I recieved an annulment and am very grateful to be in full communion with the Church.

Please give me some guidance on how to live in my world. I cannot effect him in any way and I am more interested in fulfilling Gods will than his.

Thanks for your help.
Godspiritmom
<>
Click to expand...
 
I couldn’t figure out fully from your post your situation. Would you mind if I ask you some questions?
 
godspiritmom said:
please, ask.
Click to expand...
Thank you.

You said that “He works all the time. His conversation is all about work”. But you also said that "he has decided it would be better for him to say the rosary before mass instead of me."

Now, which is which? Does he really work all the time? Or he also has a time to pray the rosary?
 
He reads the rosary when I lead it before mass.

He works a normal work week and comes home and plugs into the computer (his profession).

Does that explain better?
 
When he plugs into the computer is he working or playing? or both?

I ask because while my wife and I both work and we both take care of the house, she definitely does more than I do. That being said her work week, we work for the same company, is usually 40 hours while mine usually runs 60 requiring me to work at night. This is usually done once we get the kids (4 boys - 6, 4, 2, and 1 month) fed, bathed, read to, homework and in bed but not always as there are times I’m on conference calls from the time I leave work until midnight. During those or even when I’m working on my laptop I’ll bring up a website or game and multitask to help me focus. A glance in it might look like I’m not doing anything but that perception is far from the truth. My wife has never said anything but if I were her, I believe it would look suspicious at first glance 🙂

My wife has always said she would love to take over my home responsibilities as well (except some of the yard work of course - darn it!) if she could stay home.

While we are just getting active in our Parish we both were very active in our church as protestants.

What I’m trying to figure out is what is the real problem? 🙂

You are a SAHM who is probably taking care of the kids, house etc… trying to balance the budget and would like to be able to afford more things but can’t because he won’t pull his load at the house… more importantly the only adult conversation you get is him if you aren’t active in your parish and when he gets home he ignores your for the PC… I’m I on the right track?

If so I would suggest one of those marriage encounters. Not because I’m one of those posters who believe’s every time people grow apart their marriage is in trouble. My wife and are a very opposite on many things and at times have grown very distant from each other. Luckily we have always been able to bring that back together but I know we would LOVE the chance to just get away and focus on each other, both alone and with the advice / suggestions from others, for a weekend. (and I use to be a counselor so I know the “right things” to say and do but it’s often difficult when you are close which is why these encounters are so great for everyone - both psychologically and spiritually)

I think everyone should do that from time to time - no computers (not even a netbook! and no smartphones to check Facebook etc…) Just time together.

A lot of posters here have information on some of the retreat offerings, My guess is that you guys just need to get away and spend some time getting to know each other so that you can focus on the things that brought you together in the first place.

You are in my prayers!
Joe
 
godspiritmom said:
He reads the rosary when I lead it before mass.

He works a normal work week and comes home and plugs into the computer (his profession).

Does that explain better?
Click to expand...
As I see it, he is a good husband. Strive more to make him and your children happy.

Good Luck and God Bless!
 
Let me be more direct.
The children are grown. Two are married with 5 grandchildren and one on the way. The other is in his last year of college.
In my husband’s own words, he is blissfully happy and I fill all his needs. Which is why I cannot get him to go to a retreat or seminar. We did see a Catholic counselor (3 times) and talked briefly with a priest. Both of whom told me to get a divorce because I am in this marriage alone.
I am trying to find happiness and serve God within my own circumstances.
I had hoped to be a member of the Legion of Mary. My first step in that was being asked to lead the rosary before mass. He feels he does it better than me. I have prayed the rosary everyday for years and have consecrated my heart and life to her formally.
What I’m hearing is that I should go ahead and let him lead as he reads the prayers and mysteries instead of knowing them and being devoted to them. Perhaps he will gain more of a devotion and will grow more than I in this practice. At least he will get to know the glorious mysteries.
I am grateful for your prayers and your advice. Perhaps I should indeed give up my hope of being an active member of the Church and forget about teaching again. Perhaps that is the folly of my own heart and not Gods will at all.
 
godspiritmom said:
Let me be more direct.
The children are grown. Two are married with 5 grandchildren and one on the way. The other is in his last year of college.
In my husband’s own words, he is blissfully happy and I fill all his needs. Which is why I cannot get him to go to a retreat or seminar. We did see a Catholic counselor (3 times) and talked briefly with a priest. Both of whom told me to get a divorce because I am in this marriage alone.
I am trying to find happiness and serve God within my own circumstances.
I had hoped to be a member of the Legion of Mary. My first step in that was being asked to lead the rosary before mass. He feels he does it better than me. I have prayed the rosary everyday for years and have consecrated my heart and life to her formally.
What I’m hearing is that I should go ahead and let him lead as he reads the prayers and mysteries instead of knowing them and being devoted to them. Perhaps he will gain more of a devotion and will grow more than I in this practice. At least he will get to know the glorious mysteries.
I am grateful for your prayers and your advice. Perhaps I should indeed give up my hope of being an active member of the Church and forget about teaching again. Perhaps that is the folly of my own heart and not Gods will at all.
Click to expand...
What I’m not understanding is how your husband is preventing you from being an active member of the Church. What is your definition of an active member of the Church? Is he forbidding you to be involved in parish activities, or attend Mass, or lead a rosary? Was it the priest who asked you to lead the rosary; if so, perhaps asking Father to speak to your husband about the issue would help.

You said your husband 'reads the prayers and mysteries instead of knowing them and being devoted to them." How do you know he is not devoted–in his own way—to the rosary?

What I’m not getting is how your husband is impeding you from pursuing your desires. As for being married to a “know it all”, I am married to a wonderful man who is very intelligent, and often does know better than me. A husband is to lead the household, to be the head of a household, but NOT to verbally abuse or denigrate his wife. If the latter is occuring, then there is a problem. I get the sense that you are a bit intimidated by your husband, but I’m not seeing where he’s actively stopping you from doing anything. If I have gotten things wrong, please correct me.
 
Get a pamphlet from www.retrouvaille.org and give it to him. Of course plan on actually going on a weekend- get babysitters etc. You have to figure out how to get his attention.
 
I was not asking for marriage advice.
I am not intimidated by intelligence.

He thwarts my activity with a simple No. No you can’t have the car. No you can’t be gone then I need you. No you have other things you should be doing, etc.

I was asked to lead by the Legion of Mary leader. The suggestion to have the priest talk to him was a refreshing point, however that would embarrass him and we would end up leaving to go to another parish.

I am not a simpleton. I am however aware that I cannot get around him.

Example: He does not keep me from mowing the lawn. He broke the lawnmower and will not fix it. That doesn’t keep me from mowing the lawn, I just have to figure out how to do it without the mower.

Get a pamphlet from www.retrouvaille.org and give it to him. Of course plan on actually going on a weekend- get babysitters etc. You have to figure out how to get his attention.

They are a very good organization and I have several fliers. He has recommended them to several people but does not think we need to go.

I am aware that the only person I control is me. The only person I can change is me. I have learned to give all that I have. I don’t ask for marriage advice because what I get is a bunch of people telling me to do this or that and refusing to accept that I am where I am.

He believes he knows all and since his needs are met there are no problems to be solved.

I feel it is better to continue to love him with Christs love (the all giving kind) than to be in constant turmoil. It was better for the children when they were home. He was absent and still is for most family gatherings and so everyone has no idea.

I cannot leave him. I cannot change him. It has taken me years to come to a place of acceptance and to live as I do. Those years were full of me changing and trying and begging and pleading. It made him angry and abusive.

In prayerfully listening to the response I have been given, I decided to go ahead and bow out of things. He will lead the rosary on Sunday. I will continue to live my contemplative life.
<>
Click to expand...
 
godspiritmom,

I am young and newly wed so I can’t personally relate to what you are experiencing, but I have seen it abundantly in my extended family. I will keep you in my prayers. And I know you don’t really want advice, but here is mine anyway…pray that God will soften your husband’s heart and help to heal the wounds that have formed in your marriage. I would pray, too, for God’s comfort and peace. And keep on doing what you are doing…loving as much as you can with Christ as your focus and teacher.

God bless.
 
Thank You.

To be honest I have new hope that maybe him saying the rosary on Sundays will lead to his conversion of heart.

I believe that God’s plan is best and that all we have in our lives can be for His glory. It is getting our hearts involved that puts us in a place to help Him do His work.

I will be able to cheerfully assit W on Sundays instead of sitting there with a resentful heart.

So, I guess I got what I came for.

Thank you to all who were kind enough to post.
<>
Click to expand...
 
Made it, paid for the weekend and he would not go.

After 6 months of trying to ‘book’ a weekend, he told them to donate it to a couple that really needed it.
 
Hire someone to cut the grass and take a cab if he won’t give you the car.
 
He feels our marriage is perfect and that these issues are mine alone. He even took me to the doctor to have me analyzed and a therapist as well. Both told him I was a rational healthy woman.
In years past I have been quite open and honest about my feelings but that often got thrown back at me. I came to the conclusion after paying for the Retrouvaille (I thought that because it was already paid for he would go rather than lose the money), that perhaps I was hardening his heart against me.
I worked on keeping quiet and would only be persistent about things I felt were important. Such as overdrawing the account, or attending Sunday mass. Those items are still a struggle. He feels that I am finally learning to behave. He feels that me being silent and out of the way is good behavior.
He called a priest to the house one day. He had a dental appointment that he called and made for himself. He kept asking me what time the appointment was and I said I didn’t know. It somehow enraged him and I ended up running into the yard to avoid him getting physical. I think he thought the priest would take me to task. The priest just kept asking him why he was so angry. It was good in that the priest asked him if he had it in him to not physically and verbally go at me.
It was good. He hasn’t done it since.
 
You can go to counseling without him. And it would probably be a really good idea. You should find a counselor ASAP. Your parish probably has a good recommendation so call someone there and start going to counseling. Don’t worry about what he says, go anyway. And you can invite him to go with you but go even if he doesn’t want to. You really really really need to do this because you really need someone to talk to. If you are being completely honest in your posts then there are things that someone needs to help you understand is either normal or not normal and safe and not safe.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top