Marriage with a know it all

[nova147]

I don’t think your husband is a know it all. I think he is power hungry. He is choosing to try to control you rather than be equals. I don’t know what solution there might be to this (as you are right – people only change when THEY want to). But I will pray for you.

MJ

 

[Island_Oak]

I don’t think your husband is a know it all. I think he is power hungry. He is choosing to try to control you rather than be equals. I don’t know what solution there might be to this (as you are right – people only change when THEY want to…MJ

I agree…and no offense but your life sounds like a nightmare that doesn’t end when you wake up!! I think the ONLY way you are going to get through to this control freak is 1) stop doing “your jobs” and get his attention, and/or 2) leave temporarily. Divorce is not the first step to taking on SERIOUS problems in a marriage, and I agree you have them. But if he won’t listen, much less acknowledge the issues you have, he has left you little choice but to do something radical to communicate how dissatisfied you are.

Part of the reason things have gotten so bad is in part because you allowed and tolerated his self-centered behaviour. If you want to change this ingrained pattern, YOU not he will have to make the move first. Once you have his attention, either by not doing what he “expects” or by leaving him temporarily, insist that he must agree to marital counseling before you will return to “normal” life.

I wouldn’t–nor couldn’t live this way. You are clearly intelligent, but have allowed yourself to be his doormat. There is no virtue in letting yourself be abused. You can keep saying all the rosaries you like, but without taking some meaningful initiative to change your relationship, it will continue as is for as long as you keep putting up with it. This may sound like a harsh message, though its not meant to be anything other than firm in the face of such extreme manipulation and selfishness on his part.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Sigh.

A bunch of us have been married to your husband. He gets around a lot. Read the following thread. See if you see yourself in it.

I see too many red flags here. It’s not a problem unless he says it’s a problem? He drags you to shrinks to fix YOU? You’re afraid for your safety? As long as you have no needs of your own everything is “fine.” You cut off every part of you that doesn’t agree with his way of how things should be? He aggrandizes himself at your expense? How the world views him is more important than how you view him? You do all the work and he takes all the credit? Sweetie, you’re close to zombiehood. Do you want to spend the rest of your life among the living dead? If you stay, you need a therapist who can help you to become impervious to the constant onslaughts of someone with NPD. Because just from the little you’ve described, your control-freak abusive husband is a textbook case.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=249609&highlight=narcissistic+personality+disorder

 

[PaulinVA]

I truly don’t know what to say except that I wouldn’t live my life under such circumstances.

You husband has emotionally beaten you to a pulp, and you have apologized and decided to live your life under those circumstances.

You need to do something, such as leaving, if only for a short while. If you can not afford to leave, then perhaps Catholic Charities can help with counseling?

I am so sorry for your situation.

 

[monicatholic]

**No you can’t have the car. No you can’t be gone then I need you. No you have other things you should be doing, etc.

*He broke the lawnmower and will not fix it. That doesn’t keep me from mowing the lawn, I just have to figure out how to do it without the mower.

*He believes he knows all and since his needs are met there are no problems to be solved.

*He even took me to the doctor to have me analyzed and a therapist as well.

*He feels that I am finally learning to behave

*It somehow enraged him and I ended up running into the yard to avoid him getting physical

he thought the priest would take me to task.

It made him angry and abusive.*

he is **still **angry and abusive.

I believe that God’s plan is best

me too, godspiritmom. what i absoloutely don’t believe is this: abusive marriages are in accordance with God’s plan or will.

 

[Middleman]

You husband sounds like a classic control freak. My suggestion is that you are trapped in a situation that is very difficult to extract yourself from. It sounds as if he controls the financial strings and has you just where he wants you.

You must decide the life you wish to live. Being Godly doesn’t mean allowing others to do what they want and be inconsiderate and controlling.

 

[Viki63]

The previous posters have said pretty much all that needs to be said. I will just add a little –
my first marriage was to an abusive husband. He woiuldn’t let me have any money, and was both physically and verbally abusive. I finally left when his rages began to be dangerous to our small children. I am so glad I did, both for their sakes and mine.
My present husband is normally nice and kind. But he did start out by trying to direct my actions to some extent. I don’t let that happen. Sometimes I ask his advice, and follow it if it seems good. But if I want to go to church, I tell him I’m going and when I’ll be back. I don’t ask, unless there’s something he might need help with (he’s in a wheelchair)
He went through a period of not trusting me and being jealous, but I kept everything aboveboard, told him what I was doing, for example going to Bible Study, and he got over it.
You should not have to ask permission to go somewhere. Just go. If he gets abusive about it, confront him. If he is dangerous, leave him.
Praying for you.

 

[Serap]

I second the advice on a trial separation. You need to stand up for yourself and kick him where it hurts He has no right to treat you the way he does. Could you live with one of your children for a little while? Would they support you?

While I am a practicing Catholic and hate divorce, a trial separation is a good way to scare a husband into realizing that you are not a doormat and that he can loose you if he doesn’t smarten up.

You have been kind, sweet, considerate and a good wife while he has received all of the benefits. Of course he doesn’t need counselling…he’s afraid that counselling might make YOU change and become more assertive. He doesn’t want that to happen; he has a good thing going right now and you are providing his egotistical needs.

My husband is a great man, but he too has a tendency to be a bit controlling and I outright tell him “shut up!” if I don’t like it. He gets mad, but too bad; I’m not going to be told what to do like a child! If he treats me like an equal, then I’ll respond in kind, but if he treats me like I’m below him, I won’t budge…he can make his own dinner, etc.

You need to get some self-esteem back…you are obviously intelligent. Get some courage and make a change in your life honey!

Perhaps it is God’s will that you came to CAF for advice and people are telling you to stand up for yourself? Perhaps it’s an answer to your prayers?

 

[redtech]

Let me be more direct.
The children are grown. Two are married with 5 grandchildren and one on the way. The other is in his last year of college.
In my husband’s own words, he is blissfully happy and I fill all his needs. Which is why I cannot get him to go to a retreat or seminar. We did see a Catholic counselor (3 times) and talked briefly with a priest. Both of whom told me to get a divorce because I am in this marriage alone.
I am trying to find happiness and serve God within my own circumstances.
**I had hoped to be a member of the Legion of Mary. My first step in that was being asked to lead the rosary before mass. He feels he does it better than me. **I have prayed the rosary everyday for years and have consecrated my heart and life to her formally.
What I’m hearing is that I should go ahead and let him lead as he reads the prayers and mysteries instead of knowing them and being devoted to them. Perhaps he will gain more of a devotion and will grow more than I in this practice. At least he will get to know the glorious mysteries.
I am grateful for your prayers and your advice. Perhaps I should indeed give up my hope of being an active member of the Church and forget about teaching again. Perhaps that is the folly of my own heart and not Gods will at all.

Then just tell him NO! Say that this is important to you and that YOU want to lead the rosary. You are a grown woman. It sounds like he’s been bossing you around your entire marriage. If you were asked by the church to lead the rosary then he needs to give you some space and let you do that. Maybe he should go to a different service for a little while.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Redtech, her problems are way more serious than who says the Rosary.

This is a man who will not let her shine because somehow her achievement takes away from his glory. So he will demean her, using her own religious devotion to squash her down and make her feel worthless. (Read: Even she is even flawed at the thing that helps her endure his abuse all these years). This man is attacking her at the core of her being. But he’s very subtle and sly about it.

I presume he never had a huge devotion to the Rosary until she took a higher profile at church.

She has now convinced herself that if she grinds herself further into the dirt and lets him take this over, somehow the mere recitation of the rosary will make a human being of him.

I’m sure this is just what Mary had in mind when she gave St. Dominic the Holy Rosary.

 

[redtech]

Redtech, her problems are way more serious than who says the Rosary.

This is a man who will not let her shine because somehow her achievement takes away from his glory. So he will demean her, using her own religious devotion to squash her down and make her feel worthless. (Read: Even she is even flawed at the thing that helps her endure his abuse all these years). This man is attacking her at the core of her being. But he’s very subtle and sly about it.

I presume he never had a huge devotion to the Rosary until she took a higher profile at church.

She has now convinced herself that if she grinds herself further into the dirt and lets him take this over, somehow the mere recitation of the rosary will make a human being of him.

I’m sure this is just what Mary had in mind when she gave St. Dominic the Holy Rosary.

I agree and I should have expounded. My posts are normally too long so I’ve been trying to keep them shorter. I meant for her to fight the battle over the rosary as a first step into taking control of her own life.

 

[BMB]

Godspiritmom

I also am relatively new to this entire world of posting… I signed on a few weeks ago, with little hope left in my heart, confused and emotionally spent. I too have marriage problems, though of different circumstances. In this short time of posting I have found more excellent, loving, encouraging and theologically sound advice than I ever thought possible. You are in the right place. The prayers that we have and will continue to pray for you in this difficult situation WILL give you peace.

Your husband is more aggressive in his demeaning and abusive behaviors than mine, but the result is the same. Will any of your true and lovely self survive if your marriage continues in this manner? Do you recall the joyful person you USED to be? Your husband is crushing YOU and the many gifts God blessed you with. Never forget your value - you have raised children, you have managed your household, you have infused and devoted your life to caring for your friends and family! Your husband has NO right to minimize your value.

(See my new friends, I am living, learning, praying and growing so much since my first cry for help! )

This community WILL support you spiritually, but you must find the courage to stand up for yourself as well. Love & prayers to you. You are precious and should be treated as such! Pray for me as well… we both have mountains to climb!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

BMB, I’m proud of you. You have changed in the last few weeks and sound like a much calmer, more peaceful person. And stronger! Now YOU’RE helping others.

 

[Ovis]

You need to deal with your anger and aggression first. Leave your husband alone. Clearly neither of you possess the tools for a nurturing marriage. But stop focusing on your husband and your marriage for now. If your current marriage survives matters far less than if you learn healthier ways to manage your emotional life and cope with intimacy and relationships. Marriage counseling will not help you until you learn healthier ways to manage your own anger, passive-aggression, sabotaging and fear of emotions. Get your own therapy, preferably through a Catholic provider.

 

[Serap]

You need to deal with your anger and aggression first. Leave your husband alone. Clearly neither of you possess the tools for a nurturing marriage. But stop focusing on your husband and your marriage for now. If your current marriage survives matters far less than if you learn healthier ways to manage your emotional life and cope with intimacy and relationships. Marriage counseling will not help you until you learn healthier ways to manage your own anger, passive-aggression, sabotaging and fear of emotions. Get your own therapy, preferably through a Catholic provider.

Where are you coming from? I feel this email lacks kindness, but I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt. How has she exposed anger and aggression? How does she not possess tools for a nurturing marriage?

How is she sabotaging her marriage?

I’m just trying to understand where you are coming from.

 

[godspiritmom]

I have heard you. I have listened.

It has taken several readings for me to weed out what is helpful and what I will throw away (mentally).

The other thread was a great eye opener and very informative.

I have begun to formulate my plans.

Through reading (mostly the other thread) I have found a different way to articulate what I need to say.

I had a long phone conversation with him and as he said many of the same things as the past, I informed him, he needed to find a therapist TODAY. And HE has.

I am able to control my own emotions very well and am able to correct his YOU statements. I have contacted my own person that knows about everything and will assist me in keeping things out in the open for all to see. Something new and I think it will be very useful.

I am a very strong person or I would not have been able to last this long. I didn’t know how to get where I could mange this and propel it twords something constructive. With the help of the other thread I have been able to see how that can now be accomplished.

I have someplace that I will be going if the deadlines we set are not met.

I thank you to those in this thread and those especially in the other thread for sharing their knowledge and advice.

 

[Ovis]

Where are you coming from? I feel this email lacks kindness, but I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt. How has she exposed anger and aggression? How does she not possess tools for a nurturing marriage?

How is she sabotaging her marriage?

I’m just trying to understand where you are coming from.

My post is between the original poster and me, and I expect she has heard what I posted before. The answers to your questions would require substantial time and explanation. I will try a brief response.

The poster begins by calling her husband a “know it all,” explains the marriage has problems, and enumerates a litany going back years of her husband’s faults, which appear to include several instances of the poster seeming to passively accept her husband’s will but obviously still feeling resentful about it years later, sprinkled with the classic thought patterns of someone who fails at intimate relationships, e.g., we are complete opposites, he doesn’t see his problems, this is how he feels, he’s controlling, etc. The poster purports to ask for guidance, but when the responses trend toward her making an internal change, the poster escalates the problem to physical abuse. She concedes abuse never happened, but spins that it never happened due to her own initiative. This leads understandably to sympathy and calls for her to separate or end the marriage. The poster gratefully receives validation that he is the problem.

The marriage obviously doesn’t nurture either spouse in an emotionally and spiritually healthy way, but a healthy person won’t marry and stay with an unhealthy one. So we can urge separation. Yet what use separation for someone unhealthy enough to make the choice of an unhealthy spouse to start, then harbor years of resentment, cultivating thought patterns that lead inevitably to separation or divorce? I think that person needs to work on themselves first. And for that, they need to move their focus from the spouse to themselves.

To me kindness does not mean we encourage the poster to separate. Kindness means we hold up a mirror and reflect what we see with compassion. The most compassionate and kind thing the poster can do for herself is go get counseling. That is my guidance.

 

[Serap]

My post is between the original poster and me, and I expect she has heard what I posted before. The answers to your questions would require substantial time and explanation. I will try a brief response.

The poster begins by calling her husband a “know it all,” explains the marriage has problems, and enumerates a litany going back years of her husband’s faults, which appear to include several instances of the poster seeming to passively accept her husband’s will but obviously still feeling resentful about it years later, sprinkled with the classic thought patterns of someone who fails at intimate relationships, e.g., we are complete opposites, he doesn’t see his problems, this is how he feels, he’s controlling, etc. The poster purports to ask for guidance, but when the responses trend toward her making an internal change, the poster escalates the problem to physical abuse. She concedes abuse never happened, but spins that it never happened due to her own initiative. This leads understandably to sympathy and calls for her to separate or end the marriage. The poster gratefully receives validation that he is the problem.

The marriage obviously doesn’t nurture either spouse in an emotionally and spiritually healthy way, but a healthy person won’t marry and stay with an unhealthy one. So we can urge separation. Yet what use separation for someone unhealthy enough to make the choice of an unhealthy spouse to start, then harbor years of resentment, cultivating thought patterns that lead inevitably to separation or divorce? I think that person needs to work on themselves first. And for that, they need to move their focus from the spouse to themselves.

To me kindness does not mean we encourage the poster to separate. Kindness means we hold up a mirror and reflect what we see with compassion. The most compassionate and kind thing the poster can do for herself is go get counseling. That is my guidance.

I"m unfamiliar with the other thread that is being referred to.

Marriage is so complicated isn’t it Thanks for your explanation.

 

[godspiritmom]

Sigh.

A bunch of us have been married to your husband. He gets around a lot. Read the following thread. See if you see yourself in it.

I see too many red flags here. It’s not a problem unless he says it’s a problem? He drags you to shrinks to fix YOU? You’re afraid for your safety? As long as you have no needs of your own everything is “fine.” You cut off every part of you that doesn’t agree with his way of how things should be? He aggrandizes himself at your expense? How the world views him is more important than how you view him? You do all the work and he takes all the credit? Sweetie, you’re close to zombiehood. Do you want to spend the rest of your life among the living dead? If you stay, you need a therapist who can help you to become impervious to the constant onslaughts of someone with NPD. Because just from the little you’ve described, your control-freak abusive husband is a textbook case.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=249609&highlight=narcissistic+personality+disorder

 

[AveSantaMaria]

If you don’t mind my asking, how did the two of you get together? Was he always like this? Was your first spouse like this at all?