Marriage with different financial backgrounds

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I was wondering if anyone might offer some advice to me with something that I seem to struggle with in my marriage.

We come from very different financial backgrounds. While I have a good job that pays well for my age now, I did not grow up with very much at all. My wife, on the other hand, grew up with a lot (at least, to me), and so is accustomed to that kind of lifestyle. For me, it’s all very new - and sometimes pinchably unbelieveable.

I have a tendency to think judgementally towards her for the way she reacts to certain things. For example, we just bought our first house … and to me, it is exceptionally nice! It is nothing terribly oppulent in the grand scheme of things, but I still can’t believe we could afford to live somewhere like it - let alone own it!

However, based on her initial reactions, I feel like she sees it and sees a bunch of “projects” that can be disheartening for me. I don’t want to react that way - but I tend to think in the following ways:

a) When it ranges from things that seem purely asthetic "I don’t like the granite countertop or laminate floors" , I think things like “Gosh! this is so nice, I can’t believe you don’t like it!” or “Great, more money to spend to fix these things that don’t really need to be fixed”

b) For things that cannot be changed "i.e. the ceilings are not very high, and you know I like high ceilings", I tend to think things like “Oh great, now we have to think about our next house when we haven’t even moved in yet, because there’s no way to change that…”

How can I learn to be more understanding of where she is coming from? I know that she does not have bad intentions when she says things like that, she’s just used to thinking in those ways, and I’m not. I try not to spit out what I am first thinking and instead say things like "Well, let’s make a project list and then prioritize it and take it a step at a time However, I just hate that my immediate reactions are so judgemental.
 
Half the fun of buying a house is making all the personal improvements and customizations to make it truly your own.😃

Really though, I get you. My husband grew up in a wealthy family in a gorgeous suburb of a major city. I come from rural poverty. Our ideas about money, wants vs needs, and what is considered “nice” vs what is “run down” are all polar opposites. My first piece of advice is to approach it with a sense of humor. We laugh constantly about it. The other is to respect each other’s values and experiences, and the last is to watch your money and set a budget. It’s far easier to laugh about who wants to spend what when you know that you are living within your means and putting money away.
 
Wow, so I’m having a hard time coming up with charitable responses as well… :o
As a full-time working mom, the words that WANT to come out are, “Well, then go get a high enough paying job so you can help finance all your aesthetic desires.”… but that’s probably not charitable.
Also, as a family who has been dealing with REAL issues in our house (like crumbling cabinetry, a gutted master bathroom, etc, etc), piled on top of my husband’s job loss… yeah, the thoughts get less and less charitable from there… 😃

SO… coping skills…
I think it’s helpful to use “thankful language”… as in, talk, out loud, about how blessed you are, about how others are suffering in this world, about how much worse it could actually be. YOU need to be vocally thankful to constantly counteract the negative voice in her head - she needs to hear those words and have the imagery of “thankfulness” constantly fed to her.
If these things truly are important to her, then start some lists, set them in priorities, and compare them to other major life decisions… eventually it’ll come time to discuss things like, “should we redo the kitchen or consider the opportunity to welcome children into our marriage”… what becomes more important?
I would avoid letting negative feelings fill your mind - feelings of low self-worth if you aren’t able to “provide” for her like her father did… those are not good thoughts. Use your gifts and talents to the best of your ability to raise your family in the best way possible!
Desiring these “niceties” isn’t BAD, but obsessing about them and putting them at a higher priority than other things can cause problems in your marriage…
Pray, pray, and pray some more for your wife… that’s #1.
 
It isn’t at all unusual to have this difference even between spouses of similar backgrounds, and it isn’t unusual for the husband to be the one who resists putting a lot of money and effort into changing something that is, to his mind, “pleasant enough”. In my experience, too, people who watch the Home and Garden Network (which someone I know calls the “Your House Isn’t Good Enough Channel”) are more likely to be dissatisfied when not every detail of their homes has been brought to their idea of a dream spread for Architectural Digest. I know a CPA, and her sense is that while the wife’s brain is going “Nest, Nest, Nest”, the husband’s brain is going “Provide, Provide, Provide”. She thinks they have plenty of money, while he is difficult to ever convince that they have enough.

It’s a place for compromise, and you are right not to make this into a debate where you try to establish yourself as being on the moral high ground. It is a debate worth having, but very carefully. When you are debating with someone who owns cast iron skillets and has access to you when you sleep, you choose your battles a little differently. As the saying goes, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” 😉

You will find, however, that the people who are wealthy at the end of their lives are the ones who, finding themselves able to do it, made a conscious decision to live at a level that is below the standard they could conceivably afford. In order to maintain reasonable checks on her desire to enhance your nest, consider the money you want for charitable giving, for retirement, for daily needs and also for “wants” other than the home, and that you might need to finance the incredible talents of your children, and plan your current spending accordingly. Use the* leftovers* for projects that you will enjoy but could have done without. If you do this, she will find it easier to accept restraints and you will find it easier to relax and say, “yes, we did well enough this year to do good in the world, to provide for our future, and still afford this. It is OK.” (Ok, you’ll be at a level where she’ll still think you’re being too tight and you’ll still think she’s being a spendthrift, but you’ll both be more content that you had the conversation and came away with the best and most peaceful joint decision you were going to get.)

It may also help you if you two consider which projects a) will give the most bang for the buck (such as paint) and b) which projects will add to the resale value of your home. For instance, if you compare putting in a patio out back and adding high-end flooring to a house you plan to be in for ten years, you might realize that the patio will have held its value for ten years, while the flooring will need updating by the time you sell. If the improvements you do first are ones where you’ll see some of the investment back when you sale, it will be easier for you to swallow the trouble and expense it costs.

Look at the bright side: it isn’t clothes. (Although even there, there is such a thing as spending with long term quality and use in mind.)
 
I would resolve these issues with your wife, ASAP. I have a family member who was in a very similar situation. They started off doing quite well financially, but things don’t always keep going so well in life. Now, 20 years later, its a real mess. And it would not have to be if the wife in question would have not had expectations of maintaining a lifestyle on par with her family.
It is still a battle to this day.
 
newbie25553 said:
I try not to spit out what I am first thinking and instead say things like "Well, let’s make a project list and then prioritize it and take it a step at a time However, I just hate that my immediate reactions are so judgemental.
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You have your own answer. If you can do this, and keep the other stuff from coming out, you have achieved a level of maturity many married couples don’t achieve.

When I have worked with couples over financial issues, I prefer them to take a hard number approach and put everything in black and white. How much actually comes in, where the money actually goes, what is saved or could be saved, what the projects will cost and then add 10 to 15% to the costs, etc. I think you get the idea.

Reality is a real eye-opener and it works both ways — you might see that these projects are not as cost prohibitive as you initially think, and she might see that there is a “cost” of doing these things.

On a deeper level, I do think that the melding of two lifestyles into one is one of the great juggling tasks of marriage. For example, I grew up in a household that was as cluttered as a Victorian museum, full of knickknacks plus 60-plus houseplants that I had the responsibility of dusting and watering each weekend. AS a result, even at the age of 55, when my spouse brings in something to put on the fireplace mantle or a house plant I freak out internally!! The compromise is that there is only one plant in the house. The other compromise is photos in frames on end tables are fine, none on walls. It works.

They may be a time for reflection on why she has a need to change everything and you see this as a threat. But for now, just deal with what you have to deal with now.
 
There’s lots of good advice here.
  1. Budget
  2. Make a list
  3. Think about your future kids. Bear in mind that they will very likely destroy quite a number of the improvements you make, so go slowly while you figure out how this is going to work. When we were young marrieds in our first “nice” apartment after my husband got his first “real” job after graduate school before having kids, we bought a glass coffee table and an ornate, tippy halogen floor lamp. Dumb, dumb, dumb. We had to give away the lamp and throw out the coffee table after our first baby arrived.
In later years, my 3rd grader practiced her cursive on my beige leather sofa and chipped various inscriptions on the top of my dining room table. If either were valuable or new, you would still hear me screaming about it.

One of the things that children do for us to demonstrate to us how perishable earthly things are. Bear this in mind and encourage your wife to think about it.

My husband and I also just bought a house and we have similar issues, although my family has less money than his family. I want lots of stuff that he just doesn’t understand. We have a big list, with $50k in stuff (it includes everything from hand towels to a bathroom remodel to a minivan). Every month, we have a look at the list, and I get something. It might be something small, but I always get something.

Best wishes.
 
The things your wife is saying are the same kinds of things I would say, and my husband and I both come from blue-collar families and don’t have that much money even now. I care more about the aesthetics, and my husband only cares about whether something is functional most of the time. Sometimes, though, he sees my opinion about something as an expression of dissatisfaction, rather than just a comment about a preference, which is what it usually is. He HATES spending money on things that serve no “purpose”.

When she says “I don’t like these granite countertops”, are you sure she means “I want to get rid of these and replace them”, or is it possible that she is just dissatisfied with how they look but doesn’t mind living with them until you can afford to replace them? You said you “feel like she sees a bunch of projects” and don’t say that she actually made you a list of things she wants changed.

It just doesn’t really sound to me like she’s doing anything wrong here. I think she has a right to an opinion about how her home looks? Perhaps her taste it out of line with your budget, and that’s something you should have a conversation about to straighten out. But you may very well be reading too much into her comments.
 
newbie25553 said:
I was wondering if anyone might offer some advice to me with something that I seem to struggle with in my marriage.

We come from very different financial backgrounds. While I have a good job that pays well for my age now, I did not grow up with very much at all. My wife, on the other hand, grew up with a lot (at least, to me), and so is accustomed to that kind of lifestyle. For me, it’s all very new - and sometimes pinchably unbelieveable.

I have a tendency to think judgementally towards her for the way she reacts to certain things. For example, we just bought our first house … and to me, it is exceptionally nice! It is nothing terribly oppulent in the grand scheme of things, but I still can’t believe we could afford to live somewhere like it - let alone own it!

However, based on her initial reactions, I feel like she sees it and sees a bunch of “projects” that can be disheartening for me. I don’t want to react that way - but I tend to think in the following ways:

a) When it ranges from things that seem purely asthetic "I don’t like the granite countertop or laminate floors" , I think things like “Gosh! this is so nice, I can’t believe you don’t like it!” or “Great, more money to spend to fix these things that don’t really need to be fixed”

b) For things that cannot be changed "i.e. the ceilings are not very high, and you know I like high ceilings", I tend to think things like “Oh great, now we have to think about our next house when we haven’t even moved in yet, because there’s no way to change that…”

How can I learn to be more understanding of where she is coming from? I know that she does not have bad intentions when she says things like that, she’s just used to thinking in those ways, and I’m not. I try not to spit out what I am first thinking and instead say things like "Well, let’s make a project list and then prioritize it and take it a step at a time However, I just hate that my immediate reactions are so judgemental.
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Your description of your thoughts on the house versus your wife’s thoughts on the house sound very, very familiar. It really sounds like you could be describing my marriage. But in our case, my wife and I did not come from radically different backgrounds financially. In fact, if anything, my parents were probably better off financially than hers were, especially in our early childhood years.

I don’t have any advice for you; I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your situation. And I will be reading the replies here with great interest.
 
My husband and I just bought our first place together, and I’ve got to admit, I sort of view things the same way that your wife does. It’s already a wonderful home, but I do look at everything and see what I would like to do, just to put our own stamp on it and make it more like our “home”. I know my husband feels very much the way you do though. So, I am mostly not saying much about all of my ideas for how we could improve the place, primarily because I know that he is right – that we do not have an endless supply of money and that it’s pretty wasteful to replace something that is still in good working order just because you don’t like it. So, I tell him these are the “someday” things I would like to do, and I do realize that the “someday” things might be nothing other than dreams.

Do you think spending tax returns on home improvements might be a good compromise? One good thing about home ownership is that it does give you some good write offs…
 
dulcissima said:
Do you think spending tax returns on home improvements might be a good compromise? One good thing about home ownership is that it does give you some good write offs…
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If you’re smart, you put the money from the income tax return into a CD, one that matures just before the property taxes come due. (Oh, yeah. Be ready for those! :eek:)
 
Her reactions that you posted are something I don’t encourage in myself, nor would I want to encourage it in my children. I think you are showing prudence and temperance. Those are words never spoken in daily life, huh?

My parents, if they hadn’t died of cancer, would be in their 80s today. When they grew up, they were neighbors, and they lived in a rural area in a log cabin. That’s right. On the Canadian prairies, in the winter. They had no electricity, no running water. They had water in a pail in the house for convenience and in the winter there was ice on the top when they woke up in the morning. Did I mention that they would be in their 80s today? It’s not that long ago. Trees had to be chopped down, dragged home, cut into manageable size for cooking and heat. I have thermostat and a fridge and stove. Can we even appreciate that our legs work, we have vision and hearing? How very blessed to live in a time to be able to enjoy these things. To take a pill for our pains, wear glasses, have our teeth fixed. Our worldly culture has sure evangelized us, hasn’t it? Fostering gratitude to God for all we have, and even when we don’t have, is good and healthy for our soul. To bless Him in all things, as scripture tells us too. As the spiritual head of the family, you might try to bring Christ’s way of living more and more into your marriage and family life to combat the messages we receive constantly in the world. It’s a battle, and when we die, the one with the most stuff doesn’t necessarily ‘win’. God bless and keep you.
 
That’s why I married a woman that had a impoverished childhood women have expectations of having a lifestyle above their past standard.
 
Quant,

I think it’s pretty clear from the thread so far that it’s often a gender issue, rather than a socioeconomic one.

I had a lot of hardships as a child and therefore the effect of some disposable income was initially quite intoxicating to me. A lot of people go on a spree once they come into a little money. One of the many problems with being poor is that one doesn’t understand the concept of “saving” because there’s never been anything to save.
 
Quant said:
That’s why I married a woman that had a impoverished childhood women have expectations of having a lifestyle above their past standard.
Click to expand...
I’m so sorry you didn’t marry her because you love her. 😦
 
newbie25553 said:
However, based on her initial reactions, I feel like she sees it and sees a bunch of “projects” that can be disheartening for me. I don’t want to react that way - but I tend to think in the following ways:

a) When it ranges from things that seem purely asthetic "I don’t like the granite countertop or laminate floors" , I think things like “Gosh! this is so nice, I can’t believe you don’t like it!” or “Great, more money to spend to fix these things that don’t really need to be fixed”

b) For things that cannot be changed "i.e. the ceilings are not very high, and you know I like high ceilings", I tend to think things like “Oh great, now we have to think about our next house when we haven’t even moved in yet, because there’s no way to change that…”
Click to expand...
It could be more than just a financial difference going on.

Buying a house is a big step. Because of my financial background, a lot of friends have come to me over the years just asking what they could afford.

But one thing I noticed. There is an initial thrill of finding a house - but then almost an instant depression. A “What have i done?” kind of thinking.

There is a kind of permanence after signing the paperwork.

A good friend of mine and his wife bought a house - and he was seriously getting depressed almost from the moment they signed the paperwork. There were a thousand projects that they immediately put on the list and the list kept growing.

My friend looked at the list as some kind of sentence. He was a perfectionist by nature -and he quickly realized that things would be added to the list more quickly than he could cross them off.

He started looking at the house as a ball-and-chain - and that he was a slave to this house. It was going to take 30 years to pay for this - and he was trapped.

I finally figured out why this was so depressing. And when i said to him - “You know - you can always sell this house - and you’ll likely get close to what you paid for it. You may be out the commissions, but you aren’t out the entire cost of the house.”

When that finally sunk in, he started feeling a lot better about the whole thing.

It could just be that your wife is seeing all the work involved - and has a hard time seeing the benefit yet. When you start making it a home, she might feel differently.
 
newbie25553 said:
However, based on her initial reactions, I feel like she sees it and sees a bunch of “projects” that can be disheartening for me. I don’t want to react that way - but I tend to think in the following ways:

a) When it ranges from things that seem purely asthetic "I don’t like the granite countertop or laminate floors" , I think things like “Gosh! this is so nice, I can’t believe you don’t like it!” or “Great, more money to spend to fix these things that don’t really need to be fixed”

b) For things that cannot be changed "i.e. the ceilings are not very high, and you know I like high ceilings", I tend to think things like “Oh great, now we have to think about our next house when we haven’t even moved in yet, because there’s no way to change that…”
Click to expand...
It could be more than just a financial difference going on.

Buying a house is a big step. Because of my financial background, a lot of friends have come to me over the years just asking what they could afford.

But one thing I noticed. There is an initial thrill of finding a house - but then almost an instant depression. A “What have i done?” kind of thinking.

There is a kind of permanence after signing the paperwork.

A good friend of mine and his wife bought a house - and he was seriously getting depressed almost from the moment they signed the paperwork. There were a thousand projects that they immediately put on the list and the list kept growing.

My friend looked at the list as some kind of sentence. He was a perfectionist by nature -and he quickly realized that things would be added to the list more quickly than he could cross them off.

He started looking at the house as a ball-and-chain - and that he was a slave to this house. It was going to take 30 years to pay for this - and he was trapped.

I finally figured out why this was so depressing. And when i said to him - “You know - you can always sell this house - and you’ll likely get close to what you paid for it. You may be out the commissions, but you aren’t out the entire cost of the house.”

When that finally sunk in, he started feeling a lot better about the whole thing.

It could just be that your wife is seeing all the work involved - and has a hard time seeing the benefit yet. When you start making it a home, she might feel differently.
 
“But one thing I noticed. There is an initial thrill of finding a house - but then almost an instant depression. A “What have i done?” kind of thinking.”

So right. We just bought a house, doubling our housing expenses, and there’s certainly some mild remorse over how expensive everything is, coupled with hyper-sensitivity to every little project that we see around the house, every crack and dent.

Also, the OP’s wife may just be copying what she sees on HGTV. Those people are always walking around saying, “We’ve got to rip this out! We’ve got to open this up! We need granite countertops! We need stainless steel appliances!”

I’d be like that, except 1) I know how much it all costs and 2) there are other more pressing things that we need to do with our money (retirement savings, college savings, children’s extracurriculars, pay off the house early, etc.) 3) I’m starting to realize how quickly home fashion changes. If you wait a few more years, the trends will be totally different (I’ve already seen a magazine piece where a woman got sick of the dark cabinets and granite that she herself had chosen for a new house and put in white marble and had her cabinets painted white). Just skip one wave of trends and catch the next one when you have the money.

You can put her off with a little painting and wallpapering and a few carefully chosen furniture purchases–it’s working on me!
 
I greatly appreciate everyone’s perspective here. Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts! Please pray for us as we start our family in our new house - that is after all what makes it a home!
 
The OP didn’t mention if his wife worked or not. If not remember that if you are like me your career gives you satisfaction and identity. Her house where I assume she spends a lot of time maybe does the same for her. Just a thought.
 
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