Marriage without children...?

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If the OP knows anyone with small kids, maybe practicing interaction with kids would be a good idea. Whether or not you end up having kids, there are bound to be kids somewhere around. Start small, maybe? Consult your Neuro doctor, obviously.

To point out the obvious – the kids next door are not in your power to influence, and you cannot just get rid of the noise without leaving. That makes a difference. (Soundproofing, maybe?)

And since you are older now, and a woman, it is entirely possible that some of your sensory issues may have eased, or at least in regards to kids. You never know. (And crazy noisy neighbors are not a fair test.)
 
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TheLittleLady said:
If a person cannot stand before God and vow to “lovingly accept children”, then, that person cannot marry in the Church. This does not mean you have to exhaust every effort to have children, however, you cannot do something like sterilize yourself/your spouse to avoid children.
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TomH1 said:
You cannot be validly married in the Church if it is your intention to preclude being open to having children. This is something it would be most advisable to discuss with your parish priest or spiritual director.
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Although I don’t have a boyfriend, there is this guy that I like (but of course he doesn’t know this). I too am autistic and I’m glad that someone else started this thread. For me, it isn’t necessarily the intimacy that I am afraid of, as I’m a really touchy-feely sort of autistic, but it is the intercourse.

I also have trouble with completing Activities of Daily Living without necessary prompting. Within the last month I have moved. back into my parents after trying to live on my own for a year (really needed a roommate, but couldn’t find one, and the person my mom chose and paid to supervise me would often yell at me, which didn’t help.) I’ve pretty much have accepted the fact that I possibly could never live on my own without some sort of assistance. So, in theory, my husband would need to understand that just because I need help with certain things doesn’t mean that I don’t love him any less.

However, it would be very hard to raise kids, even if I adopted them. The way my autism affects me is that if I get very overwhelmed and I’m forced to do something that I don’t want without a chance to wind down, I end up pulling a temper-tantrum like a little toddler. Trying to discipline misbehaving children in an orderly manner would be very hard for me, and would negatively affect my faith in God, especially since I also deal with a bit of anxiety, and I would end up acting like an older sister than a mom.

When the time comes, my intent is to talk to a canon lawyer about this, as I want to be married in the Church. Since procreation is one of the main points of a marriage in the Church, it would be considered invalid, and articles that explain this (like here and here) don’t help my case.
 
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I will pray that you find a way to be married in the Church. Having a spouse and sometimes day care are great helps to the people with autism that are close to me.
Sometimes your spouse can be the one to handle the tasks that give you too much stress or make you melt down. It is that way in the families close to me.
I dont want you to think I am saying because we do it you can but I just want you to know others have worked this out so be realistic but don’t give up hope if marriage is something you might want.
 
You might want to speak to someone in the Chancery office at your Diocese (the Diocese is also where you will find a Canon Lawyer) and investigate this issue before you develop a romantic relationship. I know I’d want to have all of the info up front.
 
Mi_Rose said:
I will pray that you find a way to be married in the Church. Having a spouse and sometimes day care are great helps to the people with autism that are close to me.
Sometimes your spouse can be the one to handle the tasks that give you too much stress or make you melt down. It is that way in the families close to me.
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It’s great that you know some other people you know who are autistic who are able to work this out! I am extremely happy for them. However, autism affects each individual differently, so it’s not a one-size-fits-all thing. What works for the people you know might not work out for me.
LiveSkype said:
The way my autism affects me is that if I get very overwhelmed and I’m forced to do something that I don’t want without a chance to wind down, I end up pulling a temper-tantrum like a little toddler.
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To elaborate on what I have said here, my maturity/emotional level isn’t that of someone my age, as it can fluctuate. The thing is that since I would be dealing with children, I will go down to their level emotionally, which isn’t good for my mental health or their behavior. My level of independence is tied to this, so if I’m acting like a seven-year-old, I’m not going to do the things that are expected of me, and I DO not want to make my husband do all of the work. This is one of the ways my autism affect me.
 
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I think theses issues of parenting/marriage are best to dicuss with a professional specialized with autistic people/therapy etc.
 
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It is good you are self aware. There are several people with autism in my family so I get that it is a spectrum and all people are different. What I am trying to say poorly I guess is that if you fall in love you might be able to work this out. Maybe.
But don’t think that all parents are mature or capable of having kids before they have them.
In one family everything but the husband’s job will be done by the wife but it may be the other way around
Bottom line God will show you or at least give good hints about what to do. Listen for his voice. Also talk to counselors or a pastor.
 
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My point, and then I will go and crochet for the evening, is that if it were me, I would rather know now if there are things that would prohibit my ability to consent to marriage in the Church instead of waiting until I was swept up in a romance.

Finding out early, I would know what I and my medical/therapeutic team could do to overcome these obstacles in the years to come or be able to come to terms with things that were insurmountable.

You know how they say everyone is somewhere on the spectrum? One of my idiosyncrasies is I need to know things as far in advance as possible 🙂 I also cannot sleep if there is a wrinkle in any of the sheets.
 
For what’s it’s worth I have a friend who’s father has Asperger’s. He said it caused some difficulty growing up, but if it weren’t for his father, he wouldn’t exist so he wouldn’t change anything. My friend is now married with a child of his own and as a family they recently moved back to live closer to his father to help him now that he’s in his silver years.

Also, as someone who was adopted as a child and who has two adopted children of her own, perhaps you & your husband (if you decide to marry) would be open to placing any children you conceive for adoption?
 
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Don’t worry, I have extremely high standards when it comes to guys.
 
You will do well. I think your original question was along the lines of if you could get married in the church if you did not want children. The answer is that openness to children is a requirement for validity so someone who never wants children under any circumstances may not be validly married in the Church.
 
It is in canon law that all marriages be open to children. That is all.
 
I also forgot to say that I have no concept of long-term thinking, as raising children would require to have.
So, even if I talked with a canon lawyer about these issues (mentioned here) ahead of time, in theory, I’ll never be allowed to get married in the Catholic Church due to a disability that hinders my ability to be open to children?

I also found this, in case you are interested.
 
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LiveSkype said:
in theory, I’ll never be allowed to get married in the Catholic Church due to a disability that hinders my ability to be open to children?
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There are disabilities that are impediments to marriage. Someone who is physically unable to consummate a marriage “Permanent impotence” is an impediment.

A permanent intention against children is also an impediment. That is a fairly high bar. If you were able to get to a place where you could honestly say “I will welcome children should they come, and I will not take any immoral actions to prevent children” that would remove the impediment.

The good news is that God is good. He would not call any of us to a vocation that is impossible for us. If you are called to marriage, then, there is a way.
 
At this point, it’s more of a “I’m probably not going to have children, but I don’t mind being open”.
 
Open is enough. I know a priest who asks if you found out you were pregnant would you get rid of the baby. If the answer is no he counts that as open to children.
 
Also bear in mind that a couple does not have to go it completely alone to be married. In the old days, it was fairly common for families to live in houses that were close together, as well as living in the same household, or for kids to spend the day with aunts or cousins, or to have live-in relatives or hired nannies. And that is not even disabled people we are talking about, and often couples had servants or helper relatives even before having kids.
 
That was the case for my family.

I was raised alongside my cousins.

Both my parents worked so my grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins babysat me.
 
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