Marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter RuthMarie00
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

RuthMarie00

Guest
Hello Everyone,
My marriage of ten years is slipping through my fingers and I dont know what to do.

About 9 weeks ago I found some e-mails on our family computer at home that my husband had sent to another woman. He admitted that he had met this lady through a friend, and had seen her several times, and had hugged and kissed her. Obviously I was devestated by this, however he does not feel he was unfaithful. We are both Catholics.

Anyway, he agreed not to see her again, and we went to counselling twice and the counsellor suggested we took a break the following week. We did, even though this greatly concerned me. He moved out the week after saying he needed to be selfish. He declined to go back for further counselling.

He visits daily to spend time with our daughter who was 7 the day after he moved out. I know he is medically depressed, and I dont want to push him, but I dont know what to do next. I cant eat, sleep and am heart broken. I am now ill with a chest infection I am so run down. He admits he is also not happy, and that although he loves me he says he is not “in love with me” and doesnt know what he wants for the future.

If anyone could offer some advice or include us in thier prayers I would be etenally grateful.
Thank you,
Ruth
 
*(((Ruth))) Oh, what is going on with these threads? 😦 There is another thread started on here similiar to yours. 😦 I am so sorry you’re faced with this. While your husband might be depressed, he can’t use that as an excuse to cheat on you for pete’s sakes. That’s a new one…I’m cheating on you because I’m depressed. What?? I also think that’s an interesting statement…“I need to be selfish right now.” Which to me, pretty much sums it up. Affairs and everything akin to them, are all about selfishness…and all about looking for happiness through another person, something to fill that God shaped hole in our hearts, that only God can fill. I have known many who have done this, and once the affair fizzles, and they lose everyone who really loved them, they could kick themselves for ‘needing to be selfish.’

Your husband needs to rekindle his relationship with Christ, and really stay away from that woman. Ugh, what’s with these women wanting to take married men away from their wives? It breaks my heart. Makes my stomach ache. I will keep you in my prayers, I know this is terribly difficult. I would consult your parish priest…and see his advice. That would be something I would try to do, soon.

If your husband wishes to have an affair, and isn’t remorseful, you will have to make some tough decisions. My prayers are with you. *
 
I would take a good, hard look at a husband who has promised to forsake all others, and now “needs to be selfish”. Is he being treated for his depression? Would he agree to meet with your priest? If he won’t continue to go to counsellng, go alone it will help you to decide what to do next.
 
Thanks for your advice.

I am going to speak to our Priest on sunday after mass, and hopefully make an appointemnt to talk to him. I am hoping my husband will come with me to mass, although I cant remember the last time he did. I have asked him too, but havent got an answer yet.

He has seen his doctor, who prescribed Prozac, which he was taking whilst he was at home, and says he still is. He says it makes him feel more relaxed, but he feels angry about everything, our marriage, our home, his kids, his job and resents everything. He was suposed to go for blood tests too but hasnt been 😦

I am not sure about counselling, I dont think he will go back, and I certinally dont feel confident about going back to someone who suggested we had a break from sessions when things were so obviously critical. Counselors are few and far between where I live and very expensive. I think if he is willing to see the priest with me I will ask him if he would attend more counselling, but with someone new.

Thank you again for your prayers and advice.
Ruth
 
Ruthmarie:

I know what you want to hear because I have been in this position myself. You want someone to tell you what you can do to fix this and make it all better, but the truth is that it takes two people to make a marriage work, and you can’t fix it on your own.

He was and is being unfaithful. Very few marriages come back after this. However, you can find out the mentality of those the cheat and learn from those that have survived on this website:

www.marriagebuilders.com

It isn’t Catholic as such, but many dioceses recommend it. Most of the people that post are not trained counselors, so take everything with a grain of salt.

Prayer will certainly help, but it will help you. The situation may or may not evolve into what you want, you have to focus on your actions, and your attitude, because that is the only thing you have control over.

You also need to make sure you get sound legal advice in regard to possible divorce and custody issues.

Best wishes and prayers,

Scott:(
 
Ma’am-

I am so sorry. Posts like this just break my heart. In a situation like this, where you did nothing wrong, know that we are praying for you like crazy.
 
Catholic Charities in your diocese should offer counseling on a sliding scale.

Retrouvaille (spelling may be off) is Catholic.

www.exceptionalmarriages.com is a good Catholic group.

Get Catholic help for your Catholic marriage!
 
very sorry you are suffering this. Your husbands statements may outline exactly what is happening . He isn’t being decietfull imo. He is depressed. Many people have used the emotional uplift of affairs to boost them out of the pit. I don’t know about your situation, he may have stumbled into this kind of psuedoanti-depressant but if the depression isn’t healed in a constructive way this can become a bad habit. In fact many people addicted to infidelity are using romance to medicate and control their depression. It’s possible counseling ended for that reason. My prayers are with you dear sister. Pray the rosary. Ask Christ for the grace to persevere and participate in His suffering. No matter the outcome you are very close to God with this kind of suffering. I will for you. Most of all…if it is what it looks like to me…know it isn’t your fault. Know that no matter who he married this was going to happen.:hug1:
 
I walked in your sad, lonely shoes 13 years ago. He wanted to be a bachelor again. He was on meds for all kinds of depression problems. I lost 20 pounds and my hair fell out in clumps I was so upset. Oh yeah… I also had 3 children under 5. One of them a newborn.

I took him back when the alimony and child support kicked in. He all of a sudden realized he wanted back. Because he loved money, not because he loved me.

He destroyed everything in coming back. He eventually filed for divorce again. And it was worse the second time.

All my way of saying the advice I’m giving now is not the same as the Church-filled advice I’d have given 13 years ago, when I would have said to worry about his soul and pray and keep the marriage bond going and try to heal it.

Someone who uses women as a drug to make himself feel good is beneath contempt. Whether it’s you, or the new girlfriend, he’s a user. He’ll NEVER be happy. He doesn’t know what happiness is. But he uses his unhappiness to make sure everyone around him is just as miserable. He’ll dump her eventually. There’ll be more.

Mine has spent 13 years trying to chase happiness and women and money. And he has none of them now. He is about to sell his house out from under the children. He’s about to move out of town in order to get a better paying job in another state. But I won’t be able to move home, because he’s going to rent an apartment and put his mother in there and she’ll maintain his residency here so I can’t leave.

Which is the long way of saying that kind of man will never care whether you are happy or not. Or if your kids are happy.

Take care of you. Take care of your kids. That’s what’s important.

Don’t try to fix him. He has to want that. And he doesn’t. Good luck. I know how you feel. I really do. I’m just sorry I tried so hard to make it work with mine. I darn near destroyed me trying to save him. Please be good to you and realize YOU are worthwhile. It really isn’t you, it’s him who has the problem. {{{hugs}}}
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Mine has spent 13 years trying to chase happiness and women and money. And he has none of them now. He is about to sell his house out from under the children. He’s about to move out of town in order to get a better paying job in another state. But I won’t be able to move home, because he’s going to rent an apartment and put his mother in there and she’ll maintain his residency here so I can’t leave.
Click to expand...
Are you sure there is no way to deal with this? If he wont be living in the state, isn’t it somehow fraudulent to pretend to still be a resident?
 
I talked to my lawyer. (Had to pay more $$) and he said I could serve him notice I was moving and then he’d have to come back and prove why he had a residency and who knows how a judge might deal with it. I could lose and still be out all the legal fees.

Too much is put into the hands of a legal system that doesn’t care about right and wrong.
 
Let’s get one thing straight:

Depression is not a justification for moral depravity. What your husband is doing is depraved. It is ridiculously corrupt and ego-maniacal. But he cannot use clinical depression as an excuse. That is a cop-out. And if anyone should know, I would.

I have battled clinical depression and anxiety for much of my adult life. I have taken literally <> of SSRI medications over the years, as well as spent countless hours in therapy. It has been a constant struggle, for basically the past 25 years.

But I would never, ever, use this disease as a justification for adultery, or any similarly evil act. Seriously, that is like someone using a toenail fungus as a justification for murder. Or a case lactose intolerance, as a justification for kidnapping.

Ridiculous. It is amazing, the gaul of some people.

RuthMarie, the next time your husband tries to use this excuse, tell him to can it. It doesn’t wash. Depression may cause all sorts of problems - and I have suffered through many of them - but it doesn’t cause adultery. **Tell him to get it together, leave the other woman, move back with his family - and to stop using this disease as a sob story. **

Sorry, I find that guy’s excuse so humiliating and degrading. It denegrates those of us who suffer from that disease, to the level of moral reprobates. And we’re not.
 
RuthMarie00 said:
He has seen his doctor, who prescribed Prozac, which he was taking whilst he was at home, and says he still is. He says it makes him feel more relaxed, but he feels angry about everything, our marriage, our home, his kids, his job and resents everything. He was suposed to go for blood tests too but hasnt been 😦
Click to expand...
That is a very bad sign. This indicates that he isn’t serious about his recovery. This shows that he isn’t willing to follow the instructions of his physician. Blood work is generally mandatory, for many type of antidepressant therapies. My psychiatrist orders twice-a-year scans (liver function, lipid panel, etc.) to ensure that my meds aren’t creating hazardous side-effects.

Medications like Prozac can be dangerous, in the wrong people. If he isn’t willing to submit to the will of his doctor, then these medications could have terrible side-effects. They can make the depression worse, not better, in the case of some people. For a small percentage of people, they can lead to violent or suicidal behavior.

Your husband could be under or over-dosing. If he is not paying attention to doctor’s orders, this could very well be the case. (Then again, he isn’t willing to abide by his marriage vows, so it should be no surprise that he isn’t willing to follow the advise of his physician.)

Honestly, until he is stable, under control, and following doctor’s orders, don’t let him in to the home.
 
I know some or alot won’t agree with this, but I have seen this work. You’re allowing HIM to make all of the decisions regarding this - as soon as you’re well enough, I would start to make sure I had all of my finances clear of his (and that he hadn’t ripped you off at all - sorry to say it does happen) then I would let him know that I was going to the priest, I wanted him to come but that if he didn’t you would be talking to the priest about possibly getting an unulment -(I don’t know in your case if that will happen, it has happened before when medical issues such as depression havn’t been known at the beginning and some other reasons)- let him see that YOU are the one that isn’t going to sit around waiting for him to make the next move. I’ve seen it work twice and not work once. There is a chance that this could cause his depression to go worse but at this point he’s wallowing in selfishness and self pity - you don’t need to be the one to add to his “selfish” party. You need to be strong for you and your daughter. Let him know that if he doesn’t get in line that you will be ready for a seperation and child support if he isn’t willing to even try to work through this by going to the priest, retrovaille and a counselor. He decided to “be selfish” - you need to decide to take care of you and your daughter and be selfish for the two of you. How is it going to look to your daughter and what will she learn if she sees you bending to his every selfish whim? I’m not trying to go femenist but if she sees you picking up and moving on with or without him (and I have a good suspicion that when you start making the decisions he might just hop to). She will see a strong woman who although loves her husband is not about to take the crud he’s serving you. I’m really sorry if this sounds harsh but you have got to pick yourself up and make sure you can make it on your own if not for yourself and possibly the marriage than for you child/children. I will deffinately pray for you and I know anyone else who reads this will pray as well. He’s really jerking you around - you have to be strong because he is being way to wishy washy right now. God Bless
Ryecroft AKA Annie
 
RuthMarie00 said:
Thanks for your advice.

I am going to speak to our Priest on sunday after mass, and hopefully make an appointemnt to talk to him. I am hoping my husband will come with me to mass, although I cant remember the last time he did. I have asked him too, but havent got an answer yet.

He has seen his doctor, who prescribed Prozac, which he was taking whilst he was at home, and says he still is. He says it makes him feel more relaxed, but he feels angry about everything, our marriage, our home, his kids, his job and resents everything. He was suposed to go for blood tests too but hasnt been 😦

I am not sure about counselling, I dont think he will go back, and I certinally dont feel confident about going back to someone who suggested we had a break from sessions when things were so obviously critical. Counselors are few and far between where I live and very expensive. I think if he is willing to see the priest with me I will ask him if he would attend more counselling, but with someone new.

Thank you again for your prayers and advice.
Ruth
Click to expand...
**Does your husband know that no legitimate, respectable MD will continue to prescribe any antidepressant medication without the labwork? The blood draw is critical to continuing progress. They need to check his liver and kidney functions and other things that may be affected by the medication.

Limerick**
 
Hi everyone,

I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your kindness and prayers.

I am taking things day by day, but have laid some ground rules for him to follow. He will hardly hold a conversation with me so I have written him a letter today, as when he is being nasty I end up crying out of frustration as I cant get the words I want to say out right.

He is obviously still really stuggling with his depression, but I realise I am not his mother and he has to be self sufficiant. After all, thats what he wanted. I pray for his health and guidence.

I didnt make it to mass last week as my daughter wasnt well, but we will be waiting for the doors to open on sunday!

Once again, thank you all.

Ruth
 
RuthMarie00 said:
Hi everyone,

I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your kindness and prayers.

I am taking things day by day, but have laid some ground rules for him to follow. He will hardly hold a conversation with me so I have written him a letter today, as when he is being nasty I end up crying out of frustration as I cant get the words I want to say out right.

He is obviously still really stuggling with his depression, but I realise I am not his mother and he has to be self sufficiant. After all, thats what he wanted. I pray for his health and guidence.

I didnt make it to mass last week as my daughter wasnt well, but we will be waiting for the doors to open on sunday!

Once again, thank you all.

Ruth
Click to expand...
**Did I just hear a door close?

Limerick**
 
The door might have been closed but I thought I would offer my two cents.

I am so sorry to hear about the tragedy that is happening in your family right now. I know what it is like first hand and I will tell you to not give up. Marriage is forever and it can be good again. You are just going through a REALLY hard time.

There is no excuse for adultery or selfishness but it does happen. Men are more likely to keep their emotions inside then let them out and this, in part, leads to depression. Using another woman, alcohol, pornography, gambling or whatnot are some of the drugs used to help them feel better…Again it’s no excuse.

My advice is this…be firm but also be kind and loving…do something nice…say something nice. Build him up and let him know that you are there for him. (Not to be used but to be there).

He does not understand the power of forgiveness and the bond of marriage but you can show him. You are his path to heaven as he is yours. Forgiveness is something that you will have to give over and over again until it sticks. Sometimes it may even take all your energy to forgive.

Though it might not be the popular opinion, I know because I have lived it. You too can get through it. And when you do, your marriage will be stronger than before.

My prayers will be with you.

Marital Act
maritalact.com
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top