marriage

[Ruthcloud]

I actually have an interesting story…as I am not married and I am young I don’t really know anything, but that does drive me to at least try.
So I had an idea…I made an appointment with a longtime marrige counsellor and drove over 31/2 hours one way for a 2 hour appointment.
I asked him what is the major cause of marital breakdown in normal marriages where drugs and alcohol or mental illness was not a factor. He was very shocked, but pleasantly suprised that a engaged happy person came to see him.
I could go on for pages what he said and he broke protocol and let me tape him.
He summed it up very simple. The woman needs security and the man needs his ego stroked.
He added that when one of these 2 things gets neglected the marriage at best becomes lukewarm and at worst spirals into disfunction.
He gave me tonnes of examples…wife witholds intimacy or only gives as little as possible of herself in which the Husband would rather mow the lawn, husband withdraws and becomes agitated. Furthering the wifes lack of emotional security, which in turn fuels the lack of sexual intimacy, whiich in turn now tempts the husband to find intimacy in other forms like pornography and extramarital affairs. Which in turn creates an atmosphere of emotional disconnection from the wife.
No one knows where it started but both feel unloved! Yet no one will be the first to change as it is emotionally unsafe…what if I do this and nothing happens in return.
I just gave this a generalization of what he said, and I am not married and young, so I hope that no one thinks I am giving an opinion
I thought what he said was interesting though.

 

[Ruthcloud]

It is just awesome that most people would do it again, I was getting a bit down that it seems to be more negative subjects on marriage inthe family life forum.
I guess even the bad experiences can be helpfull to a young wife to be, I will take any advice that older wiser couples have to offer

 

[Usige]

It is just awesome that most people would do it again, I was getting a bit down that it seems to be more negative subjects on marriage inthe family life forum.
I guess even the bad experiences can be helpfull to a young wife to be, I will take any advice that older wiser couples have to offer

I think its really a reflection of how most things are in life. We don’t celebrate when things are going to plan, but rail at heaven when it doesn’t. I know when my wife and I teach marriage prep we don’t talk about the percentage of marriages that end in divorce, but talk instead about the number of marriages that succeed.

Here’s the best bits of advice my uncle gave me on my wedding day “Happy wife, happy life” and “never get so mad that a kiss doesn’t say I’m sorry.” Nearly 20 years later I still remember it.

 

[Ruthcloud]

That is awesome advice I will practice it thank you. I will try to print what you wrote or write it down, and keep it for future times.
I think you are right in the way we don’t tune into the news hour to hear happy news stories, but tragic stories.
I like happy stories.

 

[Lady_Love]

Oh, another bit of advice. Surround yourself with women who are in healthy and happy marriages. They obviously know how to make it work.

Don’t get marriage advice from a bitter or angry wife, they tend to breed strife in other people’s marriages by sowing their seeds of criticism, negativity, and resentment.

and learn to have a “no problem” attitude.

 

[Ruthcloud]

Thank you Lady love!
I am going to have to be the person who is the one people look to in relation to a happy marriage. I am 19 in a small town with little Christian and Catholic influence. Most of my friends are living together or “hooking up” on the weekend. They are very nice and would give me the shirt off their back, but have different morals.
You gave me good advice and hopefully I will find even an older mentor.,thank you so much

 

[CatholicGeek1]

Without a doubt I would get married to my wife again. We have been together since 2001, married since 2006, and I could not imagine things being any other way. My wife and children are truly great blessings in my life and I cannot imagine ever not having them. God bless on your upcoming wedding!

 

[thewanderer]

Thank you Lady love!
I am going to have to be the person who is the one people look to in relation to a happy marriage. I am 19 in a small town with little Christian and Catholic influence. Most of my friends are living together or “hooking up” on the weekend. They are very nice and would give me the shirt off their back, but have different morals.
You gave me good advice and hopefully I will find even an older mentor.,thank you so much

Maybe you can find one here on CAF. They don’t have to be someone right close by to be someone you can talk to, look up to, and go to for advice.
I’m really lucky to have a group of friends who are devoutly Catholic and pro-marriage, some of whom are already married, some engaged, but even though its unlikely that we will ever live near each other again as we did while in College I know that I can still always turn to them for advice, guidance or support when I need it. Hopefully you can find the same kind of support from some people here.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

I’d get married again, although not sure if I’d actually want to “plan a wedding” again.

 

[mommamaree]

You know, I hear alot about how “marriage is tough” and you “have to work at it” etc., etc.

I’m just going to say this, because it almost never is said: I think marriage is easy. Best thing ever. I would never trade one minute of marriage for singlehood. I met my husband when I was 15, married at 22, and now we are mid 30s.

People are compassionate for others who are sturggling, that is why I think happy marriages aren’t often paraded around. I don’t want to gloat. I don’t want to brag. I don’t want to come off as ‘better than others’. So I often keep my mouth shut when people talk about the struggles of marriage. But in this thread, you asked for our opinions, our personal experiences, so I’m soooo happy to shout from the rooftops–marriage is awesome!

What does my husband think? He just posted this on Facebook: foxnews.com/opinion/2013/01/26/man-top-5-reasons-to-grow-up-and-get-married/

He always says he would have floundered if it wasn’t for me. He also came frm a Mormon background which is VERY pro-marriage. His parents raise him to not only be a professional and a good citizen, but to be a husband and father. He did not “give up” his singlehood; he fulfilled his role as a man when we married. (not saying there aren’t other roles . . . priest, etc)

Maybe I’m lucky. Maybe my husband and I are just really good at compromising. My marriage is like hanging out with my best friend everyday. God bless those who are struggling. I am not faulting them, I have no advice, I sincerely hope that everyone one day feels what I feel about marriage.

I could have written this post! The only real difference was that I met my usband at 13 and married at 19.

My husband is my best friend and we make a great team. Each of us believes we got the better end of the deal in marrying each other. I have zero complaints, only deep gratitude.

 

[Ruthcloud]

You guys are very encouraging for a young nervous, but excited bride to be.

 

[Debora123]

No, I wouldn’t. It’s not him—it’s me. I love The Husband so very much, but he deserves a better wife.

Having said that, I want to stress that neither of us are sad, angry, depressed, etc. about this. On balance, we have a happy marriage. Neither of us wants to throw in the towel. It’s just that I’m not cut out to be a wife. It’s part of our reality and we handle it as best we can.

Can’t speak for the “have a family” part of your question, as we haven’t been blessed with children. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mother either, and if that’s the case I’d rather not have it proven at the expense of some poor, innocent child.

This is so sad…

Why don’t you think you’re cut out to be a wife/mother??

 

[mcc804]

I would marry again. I would just be born and baptised Catholic first of all and have known what was moral in regard to relationships and marriage. I would have been open to life and have hopefully had a large family. My biggest regret in life is not being open to life and only having the “nuclear family” as prescribed by the culture.

 

[Ruthcloud]

There is lots of pressure to be a certain way by friends and family

 

[Debora123]

You know, I hear alot about how “marriage is tough” and you “have to work at it” etc., etc.

I’m just going to say this, because it almost never is said: I think marriage is easy. Best thing ever. I would never trade one minute of marriage for singlehood. I met my husband when I was 15, married at 22, and now we are mid 30s.

People are compassionate for others who are sturggling, that is why I think happy marriages aren’t often paraded around. I don’t want to gloat. I don’t want to brag. I don’t want to come off as ‘better than others’. So I often keep my mouth shut when people talk about the struggles of marriage. But in this thread, you asked for our opinions, our personal experiences, so I’m soooo happy to shout from the rooftops–marriage is awesome!

What does my husband think? He just posted this on Facebook: foxnews.com/opinion/2013/01/26/man-top-5-reasons-to-grow-up-and-get-married/

He always says he would have floundered if it wasn’t for me. He also came frm a Mormon background which is VERY pro-marriage. His parents raise him to not only be a professional and a good citizen, but to be a husband and father. He did not “give up” his singlehood; he fulfilled his role as a man when we married. (not saying there aren’t other roles . . . priest, etc)

Maybe I’m lucky. Maybe my husband and I are just really good at compromising. My marriage is like hanging out with my best friend everyday. God bless those who are struggling. I am not faulting them, I have no advice, I sincerely hope that everyone one day feels what I feel about marriage.

I’m glad you posted this because I feel the exact same way. Maybe I just haven’t been married long enough (2.5 years) but I don’t know what people are talking about when they say marriage is so hard.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

This is so sad…

Why don’t you think you’re cut out to be a wife/mother??

Because I messed up my vocation discernment big time. I discerned religious life for three years. The conclusion** appeared** to be “no.” So I got married instead. Since I’ve been married, it’s become evident that religious life was actually the correct path. Even my priest agrees with this. But I am indeed married and that’s not going to change. I take my responsibilities seriously and I try hard to carry out my duties with joy. It’s not a daily struggle, and I’m not pining away for a different life. There are times, however, when the desire to give up everything for God gets the better of me and, for example, I’ll spend hours in prayer, neglecting my duties as a wife in the process. Fortunately, my SD (the aforementioned priest) is helping me satisfy that desire while making sure my household and The Husband don’t suffer as a result. We don’t always get it right, but I’m doing a lot better now than I was before I met him. People used to tell me that because I’m married I have no choice but to put religious life completely out of my mind. This priest was the first person to understand it’s not that simple.

“Sad” is the wrong word—“unfortunate” would probably be more accurate. It’s more of an “oops” than an “oh no!” We are happily married. :yup: I love The Husband profoundly. :hug3: He expresses no dissatisfaction whatsoever. We enjoy the time we spend together and look forward to sharing stories about what each of us does in the absence of the other, for example when he’s at work and I’m at home, or when I’m at the church and he’s out with his buddies, etc. We lead busy, fulfilling lives. We laugh a lot. He is always there for me; I am working on always being there for him. Our marriage is not a burden, a trial, or unusually difficult. But I still think he deserves a better wife, one who lives more fully for him. This whole thing would have been avoided if I had discerned my vocation properly in the first place.

I leave room in the universe that I did discern my vocation properly, I am supposed to be married, and that either my priest/SD or I (or both of us) are reading the present situation incorrectly. Only time will tell, I imagine.

 

[DL82]

Am married just under 2 years. My wife has helped me grow in so many ways, and I am grateful, although it is painful seeing how much I need to change to be the husband she deserves.

God will show his plans for you, and your marriage will almost certainly not be what you planned it to be, but it will be better, your path to sanctity and perfect joy.

 

[1inICXC]

I’m glad you posted this because I feel the exact same way. Maybe I just haven’t been married long enough (2.5 years) but I don’t know what people are talking about when they say marriage is so hard.

Think it’s because we are talking about two different things: childless marriage va. Married with children. I am 100% on board with childless marriage being easy, convenient, comfortable, fun etc. And then children appeared and pouf, you find yourself looking down on rocket scientists! The easiness barometer litterally jumps from 0 to 100 in a matter of day/night. I remember being alone, with a fussy newborn, after endless sleepless nights and thinking that everything I had ever gone through in my life, put together, was less tough than parenting. Then add to that a husband who goes to work all day,after endless sleepless nights, spends hours commuting, and returns home to more of the same. That’s when it dawns on you that there is a very good reason why marriage is a Sacrament. Why it REQUIRES God’s grace.

Would I do it over again? No way, not starting over for anything in the world. We surmounted great obstacles and challenges in these years and we are so happy to have settled in. The children are at an amazingly cute age, our hearts burst to the seams with joy a million times a day- which did not happen when we were just us-, we are settled into our parenting roles, we have grown soooo much and we are more fulfilled than ever. But Lord, was it an awesomely challenging road. I am just thrilled about what is to come and am very much grateful for where we are at but I simply would not have the courage to start back at one.
We are definitely made for each other, the children are by far the most precious things in our lives but I do wish we had been more equipped for parenthood.
I also wish at least one of us would have the “no problem” attitude - which is not the case but the humor compensates nicely

 

[Debora123]

Think it’s because we are talking about two different things: childless marriage va. Married with children. I am 100% on board with childless marriage being easy, convenient, comfortable, fun etc. And then children appeared and pouf, you find yourself looking down on rocket scientists! The easiness barometer litterally jumps from 0 to 100 in a matter of day/night. I remember being alone, with a fussy newborn, after endless sleepless nights and thinking that everything I had ever gone through in my life, put together, was less tough than parenting. Then add to that a husband who goes to work all day,after endless sleepless nights, spends hours commuting, and returns home to more of the same. That’s when it dawns on you that there is a very good reason why marriage is a Sacrament. Why it REQUIRES God’s grace.

Ah, gotcha. This is true, I was not thinking about how much more difficult things will be once children enter the picture.

Now that my husband is in Officer Training to go on and become an Air Force pilot, we’ll finally have the money/stability to start having kids. Hopefully within the next 2 years. Then I’ll get back to ya’ll and let you know how “easy” my marriage is.

 

[Debora123]

Because I messed up my vocation discernment big time. I discerned religious life for three years. The conclusion** appeared** to be “no.” So I got married instead. Since I’ve been married, it’s become evident that religious life was actually the correct path. Even my priest agrees with this. But I am indeed married and that’s not going to change. I take my responsibilities seriously and I try hard to carry out my duties with joy. It’s not a daily struggle, and I’m not pining away for a different life. There are times, however, when the desire to give up everything for God gets the better of me and, for example, I’ll spend hours in prayer, neglecting my duties as a wife in the process. Fortunately, my SD (the aforementioned priest) is helping me satisfy that desire while making sure my household and The Husband don’t suffer as a result. We don’t always get it right, but I’m doing a lot better now than I was before I met him. People used to tell me that because I’m married I have no choice but to put religious life completely out of my mind. This priest was the first person to understand it’s not that simple.

“Sad” is the wrong word—“unfortunate” would probably be more accurate. It’s more of an “oops” than an “oh no!” We are happily married. :yup: I love The Husband profoundly. :hug3: He expresses no dissatisfaction whatsoever. We enjoy the time we spend together and look forward to sharing stories about what each of us does in the absence of the other, for example when he’s at work and I’m at home, or when I’m at the church and he’s out with his buddies, etc. We lead busy, fulfilling lives. We laugh a lot. He is always there for me; I am working on always being there for him. Our marriage is not a burden, a trial, or unusually difficult. But I still think he deserves a better wife, one who lives more fully for him. This whole thing would have been avoided if I had discerned my vocation properly in the first place.

I leave room in the universe that I did discern my vocation properly, I am supposed to be married, and that either my priest/SD or I (or both of us) are reading the present situation incorrectly. Only time will tell, I imagine.

You probably don’t think so, but this is actually quite a beautiful love story! The commitment, understanding, and patience on both your parts is astounding. God bless you!

I hope you do become a mother though, maybe things will change if/when you do!