Marriages for companionship?

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brendankiwi

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I’m 40 and engaged to be married to a woman aged 62…we’re both Catholic. Is there any impediment to marriage with this age difference? What considerations do we need to consider together and should I consider privately before the date? There are not likely to be any children from this marriage…what is the purpose therefore beyond companionship? Is it less valid than a marriage between a young couple? Do you know of any books that might assist in our preparation…I’m a Catholic and would prefer an orthodox Catholic answer…naturally I have some reservations about the marriage but have kept them private. I thank you for any help.
 
Thanks…the answered I dread…he’ll turn me inside out…and leave me kicking and screaming all the way to heaven! sincerely BRENDAN
 
From your articulation, I’m almost a little uneasy myself as to why you are engaged to this woman and what you hope for out of the marriage, especially if you have “some reservations.”

That said, I see no reason for impediments here just based upon the age difference. No, there is no reason that the marriage would be in any way “less valid” just because there is no possibility of children. Conjugal relations remain quite worthy as a unitive and celebrative function of the marriage, even though she would be presumed sterile.

As to what considerations or issues need to be worked out, that obviously depends upon where each of you are with this on a human and religious level. It would be challenging to advise without knowing you better. Which is, I suppose, why many would counsel that you discuss any issues further with a priest who is responsible for helping you to prepare for marriage, anyway.
 
Dear Brendan, basically you’re the age my eldest son is and she’s the age I am…both in a few months, anyway. Do your reservations come with the fear that you’re thinking of marrying a woman old enough to be Mom? You obviously are fond and get on well, but my sons adore me to bits too. They have never tired of saying at odd moments, embracingly, with love in their eyes"I love you, Mum". I love my sons to bits too. I’m considered as looking years younger than my age and people seem drawn to me, but give me five to ten more years and I’ll be a white haired old lady!

Friend, if you have reservations, as you say, they are more likely to grow than to recede as time passes.

As you have reservations, it will be less painful to admit them now rather than later, and a lot harder to break out of, in fact could ruin your lives, yours for many years longer. Two of my sons had reservations, both broke up, after a lot of mutual pain.

God grant you strength to do whatever you must.

Love, Trishie
 
Brendan, the two failed marriages begun with reservations by my sons were my youngest two. The one your age, he was ‘in love’ with a woman who he later found had a daughter a year younger than him. I tried to say something gentle at the time but it just made him angry so I said no more. It ended as disaster for them both. The only good thing that came of this age-divergent relationship was 2 beautiful children whom he raised alone. My eldest son missed the boat because he was tied to an older woman. He’s never recovered emotionally and doesn’t date.

Brendan, I realise it isn’t simple. You are possibly lonely and really want to love and be loved. You wouldn’t wish to hurt this lovely lady and it would also be hard to face others admitting you might have been wrong, but surely they’d only be happy for whatever is best for you.

With the love of a mother I hope and pray life will be a joy for you. I pray with all the love with which I will greet you in heaven, that you will not marry while there are reservations in your heart. It is as unjust to her as to you if that occurs, and like one of my dearest friends who proposed (and then panicked with regret but did not withdraw for fear of causing hurt, nor will leave the marriage for the same reason) but is very aware of having made a mistake that will remain for the term of natural life.

Forgive my serious stories of lives ruined or spoiled but they are true and painfilled reasons to consider if you are being true to yourself and her by not making a marriage mistake. I love these people and lived through their pain and the consequences with them. Trishie. God grant you the deepest joy and happiness.
 
The other problem is that I feel only comfortable with an orthodox catholic priest while she wants us to talk to a liberal minded friendly priest…she is very stubborn about these sort of things…it is the same priest who makes it known that ‘gays and lesbians’ are welcome at every Mass…which gives me a belly ache. Did I mention she is extremely wealthy? I find more of a Catholic heart in some protestants…actually I would rather sleep under the old London bridge and beg for pennies, dreaming of the prospect of being a father and a husband to woman accepting of the Catholic faith and mother poverty.
 
brendankiwi said:
The other problem is that I feel only comfortable with an orthodox catholic priest while she wants us to talk to a liberal minded friendly priest…she is very stubborn about these sort of things…it is the same priest who makes it known that ‘gays and lesbians’ are welcome at every Mass…which gives me a belly ache. Did I mention she is extremely wealthy? I find more of a Catholic heart in some protestants…actually I would rather sleep under the old London bridge and beg for pennies, dreaming of the prospect of being a father and a husband to woman accepting of the Catholic faith and mother poverty.
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Why are you marrying her? One of the roles a spouse plays is to help us get into heaven. Sure one way is by suffering which it looks like you’re headed for.(Of course we are limited by this message board and I could be reading your post wrong) Another way is by mutual study , prayer and worship. That way is a bit nicer. You need to look at your relationship and figure out what you need and can gift her with.
 
Seatuck said:
Why are you marrying her?
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Or more so, what in the world do you even see in her if you’d “rather sleep under the old London bridge” begging and longing for life lost?

The way you tell it, this almost sounds like an old fashioned arranged marriage or something.

It sounds (from what you are telling us) like you have some issues of your own to work out before jumping into any sort of marital commitment to another.
 
brendankiwi said:
The other problem is that I feel only comfortable with an orthodox catholic priest while she wants us to talk to a liberal minded friendly priest…she is very stubborn about these sort of things…it is the same priest who makes it known that ‘gays and lesbians’ are welcome at every Mass…which gives me a belly ache. Did I mention she is extremely wealthy? I find more of a Catholic heart in some protestants…actually I would rather sleep under the old London bridge and beg for pennies, dreaming of the prospect of being a father and a husband to woman accepting of the Catholic faith and mother poverty.
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If I’m reading this quote correctly. DO NOT marry her.

With these kind of reservations the marriage would likely be a disaster, if not invalid from the start.

Find an orthodox Catholic priest and discuss your issues with him.

God Bless, I’ll say a prayer for you.
 
brendankiwi said:
The other problem is that I feel only comfortable with an orthodox catholic priest while she wants us to talk to a liberal minded friendly priest…she is very stubborn about these sort of things…it is the same priest who makes it known that ‘gays and lesbians’ are welcome at every Mass…which gives me a belly ache. Did I mention she is extremely wealthy? I find more of a Catholic heart in some protestants…actually I would rather sleep under the old London bridge and beg for pennies, dreaming of the prospect of being a father and a husband to woman accepting of the Catholic faith and mother poverty.
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If this were just about the age difference, I would say that it wasn’t necessarily an impediment to marriage. But what you are describing here is a situation where the age thing is among the least of your worries. Is she buying your affections? She provides a decent standard of living, and you provide affection and companionship in return? There is a saying that “anyone who marries for money ends up earning every penny.” I’m sorry, but this sounds like a disaster in the making. Please find a good, orthodox priest to discuss this with. And if I get a vote, I vote “NO” do not marry this woman! May God bless you and help you in your journey.
 
brendankiwi said:
The other problem is that I feel only comfortable with an orthodox catholic priest while she wants us to talk to a liberal minded friendly priest…she is very stubborn about these sort of things…it is the same priest who makes it known that ‘gays and lesbians’ are welcome at every Mass
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If she is “stubborn” as you say she doesn’t care much about real catholicism, she won’t help you.
 
Brendan, you sound very unhappy regarding this possible marriage. Can she really love you if she doesn’t respect your wishes and preferences, that she wishes you to betray your convictions? It wouldn’t get better after marriage.
 
brendankiwi said:
Did I mention she is extremely wealthy? I find more of a Catholic heart in some protestants…actually I would rather sleep under the old London bridge and beg for pennies, dreaming of the prospect of being a father and a husband to woman accepting of the Catholic faith and mother poverty.
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Maybe you needed to hear yourself say this? (Or at least read your words typed out?)

Wealth comes and goes. I had a few buckets full of money that poor relationship and business decisions took off my hands. I was a miserable young man with a 6 figure bank account. Now I feel wealthy when I hit 4-figures (which only happens when direct deposit hits the day before checks I mailed clear!) and I am a far happier person. If you think money may be a motivation ask yourself this: when the money’s gone, how would you feel?

If she were like my own 62 year old neighbor who has >$3K in investments in a 401 (K) and is now looking for work with no computer skills to speak of, how would you feel?
 
brendankiwi said:
The other problem is that I feel only comfortable with an orthodox catholic priest while she wants us to talk to a liberal minded friendly priest…she is very stubborn about these sort of things…it is the same priest who makes it known that ‘gays and lesbians’ are welcome at every Mass…which gives me a belly ache. Did I mention she is extremely wealthy? I find more of a Catholic heart in some protestants…actually I would rather sleep under the old London bridge and beg for pennies, dreaming of the prospect of being a father and a husband to woman accepting of the Catholic faith and mother poverty.
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Brendan, are you venting but intend marrying your friend anyway?
You have your post at the beginning of the thread and it’s easy to roll up and check…when you said, “Did I mention she is extremely wealthy?”…well what has that got to do with whether or not you marry this lady if love is the reason and if you’re comfortable, which you clearly are not. You immediately talk about begging for pennies and living under old London bridge. Is it because you don’t like that you are attracted by the wealth? Whose’s going to want to be a homeless destitute! Of course, who wouldn’t rather be comfortable. But psychologically it doesn’t ring true. It really does sound like you intend to marry this lady regardless of all your own personal warning lights. You’ve also made clear that your friend will want to ‘wear the pants’ and that your reservations and opinions take second place to hers.

I am a very compassionate person, but the argument you’re having with yourself is really serious and one wishes to see you happy rather than unhappy. I’ve done my best with honesty and reality. May the Holy Spirit triumph in your life. May God’s will for you be fulfilled. May God’s true dream of you, for you, and through you, be fulfilled in your life.
I’ll continue to pray for you and for her soul and life also. Trishie
 
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