Married 26 years and miserable

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Keran

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My husband and I will be married for 26 years in a few weeks. We have had our ups and downs over the years and are definitely experiencing a bad time in our marriage now. My husband’s business has not made much money since the economy changed about 5 years ago. I lost my job just after Thanksgiving and do not have much hope of finding another job anytime soon. My husband’s attitude changed toward me the day after I lost my job. He is very depressed and is angry with me all of the time. He constantly tries to control and criticizes everything I do.

He had been telling the kids since before Christmas that we are getting divorced and this was our last Christmas together. He told them this morning that our marriage is over and asked them what he should do…if he should move out. They, of course, told him “no”. Our children are 28, 26, 15, and 12. Our 26 year old lives on her own. Our 28 yr old is home on leave from Afghanistan and he is a little better when she is here but on the nights she stays elsewhere, he is worse. She went to Nashville for 3 days with her sister, so, of course, it has been awful since she left. He constantly drags our children into our arguments and asks them to take his side. He even called my 26 yr old daughter’s boyfriend of less than a year last week to complain to him.

I am very stressed and depressed by the loss of my job. I was also being evaluated for breast cancer the week I lost my job. They think the spots are ok but want to rescan in 6 months. I no longer have health insurance and will not be able to afford to be rescanned unless I get another job. My father is very ill and I help my mother care for him. I am also in school and very stressed out trying to do schoolwork when I am feeling the way I am. I held it together pretty well at first and tried not to let things get me down. After the holidays, I just couldn’t keep it up anymore. My husband criticizes and tries to control everything I do. We cannot have a single discussion about anything without him making some negative comment about me. He questions me about everything I do and everywhere I go and accuses me of lying to him constantly. He cannot sleep at night and tells me that it is my fault. He flips out if I do not go to bed when he does. He is an early bird and I worked nightshift so it is very hard for me to go to bed prior to midnight. I lie awake for hours. I would prefer to stay up and do homework or housework for several hours after everyone is in bed but he gets furious with me if I do. When I go to bed, he keeps me up criticizing me and complaining about money. Sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night to complain and criticize and keeps me up for hours. He only sleeps 3-4 hrs a night and I awaken at dawn to hear him complaining about me to our kids several days a week. I can’t even verbalize what this is doing to my mood. Our sons are acting out and talking to me very disrespectfully for the first time. My husband does nothing to correct them and they are mimicing him.

We have been to counseling about 5 years ago and it helped for a while, but we can no longer afford it. I have put us on a waiting list for counseling that is based on income but it will be several months before we get in.
I want to talk to a priest but have been told by friends at the church I attend that they notice our priest treats their husbands differently (he seems more negative toward them) after they go to him with their marital woes. I have signed us up for a marriage encounter weekend in March but wonder if we will make it that long in the same house.

I love him but I really do not like him or enjoy being around him at all anymore.When I am well, I am a happy, upbeat person and I balance his negativity out and keep him uplifted. We have had many years of marriage that were happy.We have a lot of fun together when things are good. Right now I am not myself and can no longer ignore the negativity and keep him uplifted. I have stayed with him because I love him, for our children, because we had built a comfortable life together and because there were more good, happy times than bad. He provided for us all very well financially for most of our marriage and it was hard to think about living on my own and trying to raise our children alone. I also stayed with him because I believe in marriage.There have been very few divorces in my family. I have a large family and none of my siblings are divorced. I know that divorcing him could get very nasty and hurt our children. I don’t really know if I want a divorce but I am not looking forward to growing old with him anymore. It seems that when bad things happen to me, he is anything but supportive. I can’t force myself to be happy anymore. I am just so tired. Please pray that we make it through this.
 
Keran said:
**He is very depressed and is angry with me all of the time. He constantly tries to control and criticizes everything I do.
**.
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Your husband needs treatment for his depression. Please urge him to go to the doctor. I hope he will consider taking anti-depressants. A better life is possible in spite of economic troubles.

I am not excusing his treatment of you or the children, that is wrong, but people who are depressed/anxious will sometimes act out their fears/worries/anxieties on others.

I will add you to my prayers.

:console:
 
Your health, every State in the US now has several places that offer breast screening for those without insurance. Call the place you get mammograms and ask about it.

About the marriage, retrouvaille.org!!!
 
God Bless you and your familyI will pray for peace of mind and healing for you and your husband,Jeanne
 
Things definitely sound very stressful! 😦 I will pray for you!

It sounds like you have already taken several steps to try to improve things (seeking out counselling services you can afford, etc.), but those may take time to come to pass. You are looking at what you can do right now to improve the situation (which is, of course, totally understandable!).

I am somewhat ill-equipped to offer useful advice, but the one thing I would recommend considering is trying to talk to any priest. You mentioned that you are concerned for how your pastor may look at your husband. If that is preventing you from seeking his counsel, try to find another priest you could talk to about this, even if anonymously during Confession. Find a parish two towns over (or something to that effect). If calling to make an appointment, stress the urgency of your situation.

Again, I offer my prayers.
 
Keep in mind that there have been Saints of the Church who became Saints because they suffered at the hands of a difficult spouse.

I’m reminded, too, of the story of the goldsmith. A young man was sent to watch and learn the goldsmith trade from an older, expert goldsmith. He watched the old man put the gold into a crucible and turn the heat way, way up till the gold melted. Then, he skimmed the slag (impurities) from the top and repeated the process over and over till it was done. Intrigued, the young man asked, “Sir, how do you know when the purification of the gold is complete?” The old man said, “That’s a good question. When I look at the molten gold, and I can clearly see my reflection in it, then it’s done.”

God, I think, does the same thing to us. He either sends, or allows, crosses and suffering into our lives in order to purify us. When He can see His own reflection in us, we’re “done.” 🙂

Seriously, with regard to your husband, he is afraid. Bottom line. He is afraid. He needs more faith in God, not that he will get out of this jam, but that God will lead him to the place in his life that God wants him to be. Maybe God wants to purify him, too, in order to get him ready for heaven. He needs to “let go.” That doesn’t mean stop trying. But that does mean stop acting as if God didn’t care or that all was lost. As St. Theresa of Avila said, the most miserable life on earth, from the viewpoint of heaven, will seem as no more than one night in an inconvenient hotel. Tell your husband that he’s not totally in control of his life, and he needs to trust in God, and just roll with the punches. Go to Confession, go to Holy Mass, say his Rosary DAILY like a real man, and let God take control. It will bring him much more peace than he can even dream about now.

In the meantime, I’ll be praying for y’all.

God bless!

Scooby
 
I will offer my two cents, for what it’s worth.

I will also offer my prayers for you and your family.

Here is my advice. Love your husband.

Do all the things that someone who love’s someone would do. You and he are going through a difficult time. But let him know that you are together. That he is not alone. And that you love him no matter what the circumstances of life may be.

But don’t do this just by telling him. Certainly, take every opportunity to tell him you love him. But also demonstrate your love for him at every opportunity as well.

Listen to him without voicing any judgment. Let him rant when he needs to rant.

This may seem lopsided and unfair to you, but you did say that you love him.

Pray daily. I will pray for you and your family.
 
I will pray for you. It sounds to me that your husband is emotionally abusive. The Church does not expect a spouse to stay in a abusive situation. Maybe he needs help with his depression but that doesn’t mean you have to be his verbal punching bag. Find someone to help you, there are alot of good shelters and support for women in your situation. :console:The fact that he is using your children in this verbal battle just confirms he only cares about himself.😦 If you take action to protect yourself he might seek change he might not. Just don’t forget you are a beloved daughter of God this is not what he wants for you.
 
You and your husband can do this. Have faith, find what you agree upon and pull the yoke together. Get him to articulate anything you can agree with - listen and find common ground.

My wife and I have been married nearly 21 years.

Prior to the current economic crisis, my wife made about 25%-30% of our income. Due to the current situation and job changes, last year I made 10% of what I normally make. The year before it was less than 50%. This year my wife will make about 90% of our income.

We have been in counseling for two years. There are times we each have seriously considered throwing in the towel. But we believe in our commitment, we believe in our personal growth, and know that if we broke up, it wouldn’t solve our problems - many of those problems are inside of each of us and will continue to be with us if we are alone or move on to a new relationship.

It’s gotten to the point that after next month, we would not be able to pay our mortgage anymore. We’ve been negotiating with our lender for a year to try to get a mortgage modification which would allow us to continue to struggle by…and the lender is a nightmare of bureaucratic paperwork.

Then yesterday - we got an offer on a condo we own in a college town. It’s been for sale for two years. We have purchased it and renovated it when our son went to grad school - at the time it was a better decision than renting - but then the market happened.

This will give us another 4-6 months. As the market turns around, it gives me a chance to recover in my business.

We have our challenges, but I am so impressed that we continue to struggle together. There are many things we don’t see eye to eye on. We each have our weaknesses. But I have to say, a week ago I stopped, and told her that she’s my best friend - and she cried.

Find your common ground. Do this together. Pray for peace and for help. You can do it.
 
Please contact Catholic Charities - they may be able to get you in touch with some resources that can help with the health screening and possibly the counseling. God bless you and hang in there and pray.
 
joanofarc2008 said:
Please contact Catholic Charities - they may be able to get you in touch with some resources that can help with the health screening and possibly the counseling. God bless you and hang in there and pray.
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Ah yes, that’s a great idea, too. My diocesan Catholic Charities utilizes some local Catholic Counsellors who are willing to serve for things like this.
 
I’m so very sorry, Keran, that you must endure this heartache with your husband and impertinent children when you’re facing the shock and loneliness that comes with losing your job and the fear and aloneness that comes with facing a possible serious illness. My heart and prayers go out to you. I do pray that all who read this thread will join me in sincere prayer for a happy resolution to your problems.

Please find solace in the belief that our Lord does not give us more than we can handle. I know, that sounds like a sick joke when faced with all the problems you’ve mentioned, but it IS true! .

Go ahead and cry your eyes out, then vow to get through this with the help of the Holy Trinity and Our Blessed Virgin Mary. Eat properly and check recommended diets to prevent cancer in cancertutor.com, a researcher’s site that simply enumerates and describes therapies that have been successful in some cancer cases, and diets that promote cancer growth, plus diets that starve cancer. Don’t eat anything that has been shown to nurture cancer. Eat only foods in which cancer cannot possibly thrive. Neither I, nor the researcher(s) who have compiled the info on the site recommend anything, but merely give the facts, so that you might be better physcially and emotionally prepared if you should get a cancer diagnosis…

To be fair to yourself, go through an extensive examination of conscience, every night, and work on those areas in which you know that you should, and let prayer be your constant companion. Try not to be sucked into arguments with your husband. You’ll feel so much better if you don’t, and it will really bug him, since he’s itching to skewer you!

In response to questions or comments from your children, take the high road and ask them for their prayers for you and for their father, to help them see that in times of deep chaos and emotional anguish, you turn to prayer for guidance and strength… When someone’s having a problem, it’s human nature to want to know the details, and your husband has been feeding their curiosity. Don’t do that! For one thing, it’s none of their business! For another, even 50-yr-olds don’t want to know the details of their parents’ lives, and for another, they’ll learn by your example, that even in the toughest of times, solace and direction can be gleaned from prayer.

Unfortunately, life just plain ain’t fair! We get knocked down, have to pick ourselves up, get knocked down again, and must pick ourselves up, AGAIN! But in the picking up, and in the demonstration of faith we achieve our goal, which is eternal life. I’m sure you’ve tried, to no avail, to discuss the motivation behind your husband’s attacks, his lack of support for you and his attempt to manipulate your children into choosing sides. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD, Keran! Pray and pray and pray. Wrap yourself in the embrace of our Holy Mother. Your husband sounds scared in blaming you for the family’s financial security, immature in constantly undermining you,and insecure in his attempt to turn your children against you—to all of which he must some day answer. Again, I say, Keran, TAKE THE HIGH ROAD! If you “rise above it,” your children will see what path your’re taking and will compare it to that of their father, no matter what they may currently say or do. Your example in this adversity is primary for them.

As far as employment, can you think outside the box? Is there a service that you could perform in your community, that needs to be done, and yet nobody is doing it? What about becoming an organizer for families who are experiencing death? You could let the mortuaries and churches in your community know that you would help families get through the days from the time of the death until the funeral is over, You might call yourself a bereavement facilitator; you could set a fee, or you could say that you would do it for whatever the family felt your services were worth. Most communities don’t have someone to help families at such times, and funeral directors are concerned with the actual care, showing and burial of the body, not all the mundane things that must be thought of and carried out at home. This is just an idea for thinking outside the normal job avenues. Take the idea and run with it! Do you have a fantastic banana bread recipe? Do you sew well and can alter clothes at the drop of a hat? Or stitch equisite christening gowns and First Communion dresses? Are you great at picking out the perfect gift or planning parties? Such a job wouldn’t provide insurance, but it might ease your financial burden and bring you satisfaction.

Above all, pray. Pray in your free time. Pray the rosary. Offer your hurts to Our Lord. Seek guidance from a spiritual advisor. Go to couples counseling or weekend retreats. Attend counseling alone if your husband won’t participate. Thrust the behavior of your disrespectful children back upon their shoulders. Ask them what God would think of their words or insolence. Kids know right from wrong. They’ll be the stronger for it and your authority as their mother will be enhanced. Don’t grovel, argue, boss, order, be sarcastic, or cry. Be calm and speak with respect. Use that inbred mother guilt trip that all of us can so innocently lay on our children! Inject humor if it will work, but STAY calm! If you shout or yell or cry, your husband will win.

Don’t you give up, Keran! You have nothing for which to be ashamed! Come back on this thread every time you feel you’ve about had it, but don’t crumble in front of your children, nor your husband. We’ll support you! We’ll help you! Most of all, the love of Jesus and His Blessed Mother will guide you. Let them hold you close and give you the hugs that will give you strenth and assurance to get through this, no matter what the ending may be.

God bless you, Keran! You WILL get through this!
 
you’ve gotton great advice so far so I have nothing to add, other than I will pray for you and your family.
 
" We each have our weaknesses. But I have to say, a week ago I stopped, and told her that she’s my best friend - and she cried."

Kbachler:
This is just so sweet that when I read it I almost cried. I think that a lot of times it is the simple heart felt words that can and does hold it together. What a beautiful thing to say to your wife in a difficult time.

Prayers to you and the OP.
 
Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. We made it through today. As we watched our son’s basketball game tonight, I told him that we needed to stop fighting around our kids and involving them in our arguments. I pointed out to him that we had been through worse times then this and made it and he agreed with me:) Lets hope he can stick to it. Again, thank you for the prayers. Feeling a little better tonight…
 
kbachler said:
You and your husband can do this. Have faith, find what you agree upon and pull the yoke together. Get him to articulate anything you can agree with - listen and find common ground.

My wife and I have been married nearly 21 years.

Prior to the current economic crisis, my wife made about 25%-30% of our income. Due to the current situation and job changes, last year I made 10% of what I normally make. The year before it was less than 50%. This year my wife will make about 90% of our income.

We have been in counseling for two years. There are times we each have seriously considered throwing in the towel. But we believe in our commitment, we believe in our personal growth, and know that if we broke up, it wouldn’t solve our problems - many of those problems are inside of each of us and will continue to be with us if we are alone or move on to a new relationship.

It’s gotten to the point that after next month, we would not be able to pay our mortgage anymore. We’ve been negotiating with our lender for a year to try to get a mortgage modification which would allow us to continue to struggle by…and the lender is a nightmare of bureaucratic paperwork.

Then yesterday - we got an offer on a condo we own in a college town. It’s been for sale for two years. We have purchased it and renovated it when our son went to grad school - at the time it was a better decision than renting - but then the market happened.

This will give us another 4-6 months. As the market turns around, it gives me a chance to recover in my business.

We have our challenges, but I am so impressed that we continue to struggle together. There are many things we don’t see eye to eye on. We each have our weaknesses. But I have to say, a week ago I stopped, and told her that she’s my best friend - and she cried.

Find your common ground. Do this together. Pray for peace and for help. You can do it.
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👍 nothing better than being married to your best friend. I really think that if a couple can keep communicating and work together, with God’s graces you can get through anything.
 
cviolette said:
👍 nothing better than being married to your best friend. I really think that if a couple can keep communicating and work together, with God’s graces you can get through anything.
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Thank you and others for your good thoughts. Our additional challenge is that we have two sets of aging parents. My step mom has lost three 50-60 year old children in the past 18 months, and recently had a stroke; she has regained movement but has some challenges with speech. My father recently learned that he has tumors on his lungs. Fortunately my inlaws are a bit younger and while they have challenges (hip replacements, back issues, etc.) they aren’t dealing yet with end of life issues.

Its just been a rough couple years - and I suspect it will be a rough couple more.
 
kbachler said:
Thank you and others for your good thoughts. Our additional challenge is that we have two sets of aging parents. My step mom has lost three 50-60 year old children in the past 18 months, and recently had a stroke; she has regained movement but has some challenges with speech. My father recently learned that he has tumors on his lungs. Fortunately my inlaws are a bit younger and while they have challenges (hip replacements, back issues, etc.) they aren’t dealing yet with end of life issues.

Its just been a rough couple years - and I suspect it will be a rough couple more.
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I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I can’t imagine even losing one child.

I know the feeling. My life will be very tough for the next few years. I don’t have a supportive spouse that will be there for me but I do have a good friend and of course God.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Your husband needs treatment for his depression. Please urge him to go to the doctor. I hope he will consider taking anti-depressants. A better life is possible in spite of economic troubles.

I am not excusing his treatment of you or the children, that is wrong, but people who are depressed/anxious will sometimes act out their fears/worries/anxieties on others.

I will add you to my prayers.

:console:
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I agree, your husband in so many things you mentioned regarding behavior and treatment, anger, criticism, contempt, even to the repetitive threats to leave, were true of my husband. If you can get him to seek help that would be good, but with your financial situation not so likely, however my husband was heading towards a major stress breakdown. While he has never really recovered, he did become kinder, but it took several years.
You and your husband are in my prayers
 
Thanks again to everyone for their prayers. Things have been a little better with my husband. My daughter heeded back to Afghanistan today. My mood has been better for several days.Unfortunately, I received a notice that my unemployment has been denied and I now have to pay back the 3000 they paid me. So,no income for our family who has worked hard and paid their taxes.But at least I won’t be counted as unemployed any more and can’t drive up the unempolyment numbers for the Obama Administration.Prayers needed for me to successfully appeal the decision and for me to get my employment situation straightened out soon so we can buy groceries. I am scared. Also prayers for my husband not to go off the deep end when he hears my unemployment wasa denied.
 
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