D
dailey
Guest
I’ll say a special prayer for you tonight at Nocturnal Adoration. Sorry you are going though this…
- Status
K
kbachler
Guest
How is it going?
K
Keran
Guest
Still struggling but better in past few weeks. I think a lot of it has to do with my mood and it is much improved. We are also trying to avoid the things that trigger arguments or at least I am trying to avoid them. We had a lovely evening out on our anniversary. We had a gift certificate for a nice restaurant that our daughter works at and went to the movies afterward.
I am taking a full class load at school, am working out regularly and staying involved in church and the women’s bible study group I attend. I think being busy is helping my mood and helping me to keep my mind off my troubles. I have experienced a decreased ability to pray and to concentrate on prayer in the past 6 months or so and I am trying to get over that. I am trying to set aside time each day for prayer and am planning to commit 1 hour a week to Adoration. I keep my TV on EWTN as much as possible and there always seems to be things that are meant for me to see and hear on there. We were considering going to Retrouville this coming weekend but my great aunt and godmother passed away and I will be traveling to New York with family for her funeral. The next one in my area is in April. The $250 fee is an issue for us but we might be able to swing it.
We did get into an income based counseling center and went for a marriage counseling session. It seemed to go well but afterward my husband said he didn’t feel like he got anything out of it and wanted to go back to our old marriage counselor ($150 per hour) because he knew she would take his side and tell me I was the one in the wrong. (Not true. She was a good marriage counselor and was careful not to take sides)
We had a bad evening the other night. My husband had too much to drink and I was studying and taking exams in the next room and he kept saying all of the things that upset me, which he tends to do when he drinks…disparaging or sexist type remarks about women to our sons, his displeasure with our older daughter’s choice of boyfriend and language that I find extremely offensive but won’t repeat here. I kept stopping my studying to tell him he was being innappropriate and I kept getting more and more upset. I know that alcohol has a lot to do with it and he is definitely drinking less than he used to but I find that I have very little tolerance for that type of behavior the older I get. When I finished my schoolwork and our boys had gone to bed I used my Ipod to relax and block him out which is a bad habit of mine when he gets in a mood. He got angry because apparently he was trying to talk to me and I didn’t hear him and he jerked the earbuds out of my ears breaking one of them. We were ugly to each other and I had just been to confession the day before and was going to try to behave differently. Sigh…
I decided that since I am not working at this time, I would like to volunteer with a pro life organization. I contacted several and am hoping to make use of my talent as a maternal child nurse to help women in crisis pregnancies. I think this will help me get through this time of unemployment.
I have appealed the unemployment decision and reapplied but not really counting on that. My husband’s business seems to have picked up a little so we have grocery money and we are using his retirement fund to pay bills. I also have retirement money I could cash in but with a big penalty.
Thank you for asking about us. I think things overall are improving and I know we will find a way to work through this rough time as we always have. I am praying for my marriage, my family and for a job
I will let you know if I get one.
I am taking a full class load at school, am working out regularly and staying involved in church and the women’s bible study group I attend. I think being busy is helping my mood and helping me to keep my mind off my troubles. I have experienced a decreased ability to pray and to concentrate on prayer in the past 6 months or so and I am trying to get over that. I am trying to set aside time each day for prayer and am planning to commit 1 hour a week to Adoration. I keep my TV on EWTN as much as possible and there always seems to be things that are meant for me to see and hear on there. We were considering going to Retrouville this coming weekend but my great aunt and godmother passed away and I will be traveling to New York with family for her funeral. The next one in my area is in April. The $250 fee is an issue for us but we might be able to swing it.
We did get into an income based counseling center and went for a marriage counseling session. It seemed to go well but afterward my husband said he didn’t feel like he got anything out of it and wanted to go back to our old marriage counselor ($150 per hour) because he knew she would take his side and tell me I was the one in the wrong. (Not true. She was a good marriage counselor and was careful not to take sides)
We had a bad evening the other night. My husband had too much to drink and I was studying and taking exams in the next room and he kept saying all of the things that upset me, which he tends to do when he drinks…disparaging or sexist type remarks about women to our sons, his displeasure with our older daughter’s choice of boyfriend and language that I find extremely offensive but won’t repeat here. I kept stopping my studying to tell him he was being innappropriate and I kept getting more and more upset. I know that alcohol has a lot to do with it and he is definitely drinking less than he used to but I find that I have very little tolerance for that type of behavior the older I get. When I finished my schoolwork and our boys had gone to bed I used my Ipod to relax and block him out which is a bad habit of mine when he gets in a mood. He got angry because apparently he was trying to talk to me and I didn’t hear him and he jerked the earbuds out of my ears breaking one of them. We were ugly to each other and I had just been to confession the day before and was going to try to behave differently. Sigh…
I decided that since I am not working at this time, I would like to volunteer with a pro life organization. I contacted several and am hoping to make use of my talent as a maternal child nurse to help women in crisis pregnancies. I think this will help me get through this time of unemployment.
I have appealed the unemployment decision and reapplied but not really counting on that. My husband’s business seems to have picked up a little so we have grocery money and we are using his retirement fund to pay bills. I also have retirement money I could cash in but with a big penalty.
Thank you for asking about us. I think things overall are improving and I know we will find a way to work through this rough time as we always have. I am praying for my marriage, my family and for a job
I will let you know if I get one.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
You didn’t mention alcohol in your first post. Does he drink too much? You said he is drinking “less,” which implies that this is a long-standing problem. If he drinks and is cruel/rude and acts out, that could explain quite a lot of your family problem.
You are doing a lot of good things for yourself. One thing I would recommend is Al-Anon meetings. It is a group for the family and friends of alcoholics. You don’t even need to know for certain that your husband IS an alcoholic, if someone’s drinking is bothering you, you qualify for Al-Anon. The group will support your efforts to take the focus off your husband and to construct a life for yourself. Many times, once the spouse takes the attention they have been giving to the drinker, and re-orders life toward self-care, the drinker finally experiences the consequences of his/her drinking and decides to change. It doesn’t always happen, but it often does.
Al-Anon/Alateen
There are meetings for your teenager too, called Alateen. The young adults can simply come to Al-Anon meetings.
I would go back to counseling if your husband will go, and you can afford to go. Check into Retrouvaille - I think many of the retreats have a scholarship fund or they can give you a fee discount.
Volunteering with a pro life organization might help you to get a job. Go for it!
PM me if you want more info about Al-Anon. My husband isn’t an alcoholic but I get a lot out of Al-Anon meetings and support.
You are doing a lot of good things for yourself. One thing I would recommend is Al-Anon meetings. It is a group for the family and friends of alcoholics. You don’t even need to know for certain that your husband IS an alcoholic, if someone’s drinking is bothering you, you qualify for Al-Anon. The group will support your efforts to take the focus off your husband and to construct a life for yourself. Many times, once the spouse takes the attention they have been giving to the drinker, and re-orders life toward self-care, the drinker finally experiences the consequences of his/her drinking and decides to change. It doesn’t always happen, but it often does.
Al-Anon/Alateen
There are meetings for your teenager too, called Alateen. The young adults can simply come to Al-Anon meetings.
I would go back to counseling if your husband will go, and you can afford to go. Check into Retrouvaille - I think many of the retreats have a scholarship fund or they can give you a fee discount.
Volunteering with a pro life organization might help you to get a job. Go for it!
PM me if you want more info about Al-Anon. My husband isn’t an alcoholic but I get a lot out of Al-Anon meetings and support.
D
Dominique1234
Guest
Marriage is for life. Her husband is going through a depression due to all that has happened. Don’t judge their situation as abusive. It takes two. Although he may not be doing his part, it’s important for his wife to be the “helper” God created her to be.I will pray for you. It sounds to me that your husband is emotionally abusive. The Church does not expect a spouse to stay in a abusive situation. Maybe he needs help with his depression but that doesn’t mean you have to be his verbal punching bag. Find someone to help you, there are alot of good shelters and support for women in your situation. :console:The fact that he is using your children in this verbal battle just confirms he only cares about himself.
It’s a hard life, and we all go through points of hardship. I am one who can talk with my own situation. I am also unemployed, but the provider, which makes our situation that much harder. There is no excuse for being mistreated, verbally or psychologically, but at the same time, try to understand where these mistreatments stem from.All I can say is PRAY PRAY PRAY. And pray some more if it’s not enough. It’s worked for us in the past, and still does. But pray TOGETHER! That’s very important.
D
Dominique1234
Guest
Do you and your husband pray together? This is very important. It’s something that you both need. "For where there are two or three gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. " (Douay-Rheims Bible)Still struggling but better in past few weeks. I think a lot of it has to do with my mood and it is much improved. We are also trying to avoid the things that trigger arguments or at least I am trying to avoid them. We had a lovely evening out on our anniversary. We had a gift certificate for a nice restaurant that our daughter works at and went to the movies afterward.
I am taking a full class load at school, am working out regularly and staying involved in church and the women’s bible study group I attend. I think being busy is helping my mood and helping me to keep my mind off my troubles. I have experienced a decreased ability to pray and to concentrate on prayer in the past 6 months or so and I am trying to get over that. I am trying to set aside time each day for prayer and am planning to commit 1 hour a week to Adoration. I keep my TV on EWTN as much as possible and there always seems to be things that are meant for me to see and hear on there. We were considering going to Retrouville this coming weekend but my great aunt and godmother passed away and I will be traveling to New York with family for her funeral. The next one in my area is in April. The $250 fee is an issue for us but we might be able to swing it.
We did get into an income based counseling center and went for a marriage counseling session. It seemed to go well but afterward my husband said he didn’t feel like he got anything out of it and wanted to go back to our old marriage counselor ($150 per hour) because he knew she would take his side and tell me I was the one in the wrong. (Not true. She was a good marriage counselor and was careful not to take sides)
We had a bad evening the other night. My husband had too much to drink and I was studying and taking exams in the next room and he kept saying all of the things that upset me, which he tends to do when he drinks…disparaging or sexist type remarks about women to our sons, his displeasure with our older daughter’s choice of boyfriend and language that I find extremely offensive but won’t repeat here. I kept stopping my studying to tell him he was being innappropriate and I kept getting more and more upset. I know that alcohol has a lot to do with it and he is definitely drinking less than he used to but I find that I have very little tolerance for that type of behavior the older I get. When I finished my schoolwork and our boys had gone to bed I used my Ipod to relax and block him out which is a bad habit of mine when he gets in a mood. He got angry because apparently he was trying to talk to me and I didn’t hear him and he jerked the earbuds out of my ears breaking one of them. We were ugly to each other and I had just been to confession the day before and was going to try to behave differently. Sigh…
I decided that since I am not working at this time, I would like to volunteer with a pro life organization. I contacted several and am hoping to make use of my talent as a maternal child nurse to help women in crisis pregnancies. I think this will help me get through this time of unemployment.
I have appealed the unemployment decision and reapplied but not really counting on that. My husband’s business seems to have picked up a little so we have grocery money and we are using his retirement fund to pay bills. I also have retirement money I could cash in but with a big penalty.
Thank you for asking about us. I think things overall are improving and I know we will find a way to work through this rough time as we always have. I am praying for my marriage, my family and for a job
You are in our prayers!
E
EasterJoy
Guest
If the husband doesn’t want to pray, pray with the children. As the Lord said, their angels still have front-row seats at the Throne of Heaven.Do you and your husband pray together? This is very important. It’s something that you both need. "For where there are two or three gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. " (Douay-Rheims Bible)
You are in our prayers!
Hang in there, Keran! A divorce is like an amputation: Even when there is “nothing” there, after you sever your single life into two lives, you will always feel that missing limb. You will have cut out a piece of your own hearts. That should never be done unless the other piece is in real danger of a death if you don’t.
As I often tell my young relatives, you can divorce a spouse, but an “ex” is forever. Fight, fight, fight to stay with this man whom you promised to love, even through this “worse” part. That is the kind of fighting you need to do. Don’t separate unless safety concerns compel you or becomes clear that the future realistically holds nothing but strife between you until you do.
K
Keran
Guest
My husband has had issues with alcohol our entire marriage. He is not an everyday drinker, thank God, and goes through times when he drinks more and then times when he drinks less but he drinks several days a week. His drinking has negatively impacted his health and consequently he has not been drinking as much this winter as in the past few years. The past few weeks, however, he has started drinking a little more frequently. I have also been the primary wage earner in our family since the economic downturn. Tonight he is having a few beers again and complaining that I am the cause of our financial problems and also that I am spending too much time on school work.
My husband does pray as do I but seldom together except grace at meals. He started attending mass with us about 3 years ago although he is not Catholic so that has been great for our family. For years it was always just me with the kids.
Thank you for your prayers. We need them. Hope I can keep my mouth shut tonight and not let his jabs get to me. Like the speaker at the conference I went to last week said, I am in the “valley of shut up.”
My husband does pray as do I but seldom together except grace at meals. He started attending mass with us about 3 years ago although he is not Catholic so that has been great for our family. For years it was always just me with the kids.
Thank you for your prayers. We need them. Hope I can keep my mouth shut tonight and not let his jabs get to me. Like the speaker at the conference I went to last week said, I am in the “valley of shut up.”
K
kbachler
Guest
While it would be good if he quit drinking, I think an immediate step to that is unlikely. Perhaps a doctor would say “DH, no more than 2 drinks a day and no more than 3-4 days per week.”My husband has had issues with alcohol our entire marriage. He is not an everyday drinker, thank God, and goes through times when he drinks more and then times when he drinks less but he drinks several days a week. His drinking has negatively impacted his health and consequently he has not been drinking as much this winter as in the past few years. The past few weeks, however, he has started drinking a little more frequently. I have also been the primary wage earner in our family since the economic downturn. Tonight he is having a few beers again and complaining that I am the cause of our financial problems and also that I am spending too much time on school work.
My husband does pray as do I but seldom together except grace at meals. He started attending mass with us about 3 years ago although he is not Catholic so that has been great for our family. For years it was always just me with the kids.
Thank you for your prayers. We need them. Hope I can keep my mouth shut tonight and not let his jabs get to me. Like the speaker at the conference I went to last week said, I am in the “valley of shut up.”
Then, perhaps at the office, perhaps when you leave - you judge - say “Hon, I know that you like this to help you relax, but I’m really concerned about your health. Can we agree now that you’ll limit yourself to two, so that if I say something about it to you one night when you’re relaxing, you’ll remember that it’s because I love you and am concerned about your health, and it won’t turn into a fight?”
Any chance that by managing his expectations this way, that you can get the alcohol to cut way down?
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
Then I very HIGHLY recommend Al-Anon. He is using alcohol to cope, which means he is drinking like an alcoholic does. YOU cannot get him to stop or slow down his drinking, because YOU are not the cause of his drinking. It really has nothing to do with you, although you deal with the fallout from it. It’s all within him. You need to hear that about 12948937498 times - that you are not the cause of his drinking problem, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. Try a few meetings and PM me if you need support to get there.My husband has had issues with alcohol our entire marriage. He is not an everyday drinker, thank God, and goes through times when he drinks more and then times when he drinks less but he drinks several days a week. His drinking has negatively impacted his health and consequently he has not been drinking as much this winter as in the past few years. The past few weeks, however, he has started drinking a little more frequently. I have also been the primary wage earner in our family since the economic downturn. Tonight he is having a few beers again and complaining that I am the cause of our financial problems and also that I am spending too much time on school work.
My husband does pray as do I but seldom together except grace at meals. He started attending mass with us about 3 years ago although he is not Catholic so that has been great for our family. For years it was always just me with the kids.
Thank you for your prayers. We need them. Hope I can keep my mouth shut tonight and not let his jabs get to me. Like the speaker at the conference I went to last week said, I am in the “valley of shut up.”
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
He drinks enough that it has impacted his health. He is almost certainly an alcoholic. She cannot control his drinking, and should not try to. Although it is difficult to do, she should detach with love, and not try to get him to drink less. She needs support in order to deal with this. Al-Anon for her, and Alateen for her younger child.
K
Keran
Guest
My husband is an alcoholic. He admits it and I’ve been aware of it for many years. He’s not a daily drinker but when he drinks, he always drinks too much and lately it just makes him more negative and mean. He knows I want him to drink less. I have told him for years that it is contributing to his weight problems, hyperlipidemia and hyperglycemia. He says he doesn’t think drinking is to blame but has trying to drink less because it makes him feel bad. He lost most of the vision in his right eye several yrs ago due to a central retinal occlusion (caused by high triglycerides). He also has ED which his dr and I think is vascular. The research I have read predicts that within about 5 yrs of the onset of ED, men tend to have a major vascular event (heart attack, stroke) so ED is considered a warning. He has medication but only takes it when he feels the need. If he gets unhappy with me he tends to stop taking it.
I made another appt to see the marriage counselor. Things really seem to be getting worse again. He freaks out if I go anywhere, accuses me of lying and cheating. He has always been jealous and preferred I stay home but its much worse now. Last night I went to visit an old friend and my nephew to reminisce about my sister (my friend and I were very close to her when we were young and my nephew is her son). On leapday 2008, she committed suicide. My husband became enraged and was calling me on my cellphone and accusing me of all sorts of things. When I came home he was screaming at me and calling me horrible names so I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and he kicked the door open and ran it into my foot and arm. My big toe was smashed and the under the toenail is all black now. I went to bed and when our sons got up for school, he grabbed my arm and leg and jerked me out of bed and onto the floor and was calling me horrible names in front of the kids. I told him if he touched me again I was going to call the police. He apologized to me tonight but not in a very nice way and said things got out of hand but he what he was really most sorry about was that our kids had to see it. Tonight he is drinking. I am leaving in the morning for NY to attend my aunt/godmother’s funeral and will be gone (with my mother and sister) till next Tuesday so we will have a break from each other. At times like this I don’t know if I can continue in my marriage. It isn’t good for me, him or the kids. His anger towards me seems to be escalating and starting to get physical which hasn’t happened in years. This is making me feel so sad.Seems like just a short time ago we were such a happy family. Funny how quickly things can change. I am praying for my family. We are really in need of prayer if anyone has time.
I made another appt to see the marriage counselor. Things really seem to be getting worse again. He freaks out if I go anywhere, accuses me of lying and cheating. He has always been jealous and preferred I stay home but its much worse now. Last night I went to visit an old friend and my nephew to reminisce about my sister (my friend and I were very close to her when we were young and my nephew is her son). On leapday 2008, she committed suicide. My husband became enraged and was calling me on my cellphone and accusing me of all sorts of things. When I came home he was screaming at me and calling me horrible names so I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and he kicked the door open and ran it into my foot and arm. My big toe was smashed and the under the toenail is all black now. I went to bed and when our sons got up for school, he grabbed my arm and leg and jerked me out of bed and onto the floor and was calling me horrible names in front of the kids. I told him if he touched me again I was going to call the police. He apologized to me tonight but not in a very nice way and said things got out of hand but he what he was really most sorry about was that our kids had to see it. Tonight he is drinking. I am leaving in the morning for NY to attend my aunt/godmother’s funeral and will be gone (with my mother and sister) till next Tuesday so we will have a break from each other. At times like this I don’t know if I can continue in my marriage. It isn’t good for me, him or the kids. His anger towards me seems to be escalating and starting to get physical which hasn’t happened in years. This is making me feel so sad.Seems like just a short time ago we were such a happy family. Funny how quickly things can change. I am praying for my family. We are really in need of prayer if anyone has time.
K
Keran
Guest
K
Keran
Guest
By medication, I mean for his hyperlipidemia.
Q
Qwestions
Guest
Keran, it’s good to hear that you are making changes in your daily life and filling your days with endeavors that will help you to feel fulfilled. I’m very sorry that the news about your relationship with your husband is not as chipper, but the two of you have made some progress since your first post, so things are looking up a tiny bit, anyhow. It’s difficult not to just say, “heck with it,” and totally give up, but it’s victory over the difficult stuff that brings us serenity and peace when we realize that we’ve conquered our toughest problems. So hang in there, Keran! Keep giving it all you’ve got, in every way: with love toward your husband, prayers for both, your daily joint struggle and income for each of you, as well as your increasing sense of self-worth.
I shall be praying for your safe trip, for the soul of your loved one, and for the aching hearts mourning within your family. I ask those reading this to join me in prayer.
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy! Our life, our sweetness, and our hope! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve, to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us. After this, our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary! Pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Dear Jesus, in Thy Name do we humbly ask that you guide these, your children, into the bosom of your Most Holy Sacred Heart. Amen.
I shall be praying for your safe trip, for the soul of your loved one, and for the aching hearts mourning within your family. I ask those reading this to join me in prayer.
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy! Our life, our sweetness, and our hope! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve, to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us. After this, our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary! Pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Dear Jesus, in Thy Name do we humbly ask that you guide these, your children, into the bosom of your Most Holy Sacred Heart. Amen.
O
Oh_Charlotte
Guest
Keran, its my opinion that you are not getting the advice you need here in this thread. Particularly, one comment that your husband is going through a depression due to all that happened! It sure seems instead, to me, that this is his* nature*, not a “situational depression”, though neither that poster nor I are in a position to judge that. (Although I see more evidence for my conclusion in what you have shared!) If I am correct, and he is an abuser, your being a helpful understanding wife will only make his abuse worse, and you will in fact be not helping him, but instead aiding and abetting his sinful ways - assisting his descent deeper into sin.
I cannot reccommend more highly to you Patrica Evan’s book: The Verbally Aubsive Realtionship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond. You can get this book anywhere - I see one for 75cents on half.com - since its been a best seller and had many reprintings. This book defines what is verbal abuse (judge for yourself if you agree with her definition) – there is a checklist to see if he is this, sort of like those checklists for alcoholics. Then there is a whole chapter on how it affects you to live married to one, what happens to you. So you can judge for yourself if you have been affected in this way. If you have, you will naturally want to prevent any more of this happening to you! Especially since you are responsible for yourself and your family! (and it doesn’t sound like anyone feels responsible for you! so its best you do take care, so you can take care of those who need you…) It is the reason why the Church deos not expect women to remain in abusive marraiges! Yes, it can kill you…
Perhaps you will read the definition and realize things are not that bad for you, or that your husband is not that bad. As Evan points out, many men have problems being verbally abusive, when situationally stressed or angry, but for them this is just bad habits and bad behaviors, and these men can correct themselves, particularly when they see how they are hurting with their words, and sometimes with the help of a counselor or other skilled adviser. Such normal men can and do change. The problem is when abuse defies the whole relationship, and is who the man is (or woman; women can be the abusors too, its just more often the men) and in that case you do NOT have a marriage. In that case all the advice you have received in this column does not apply to you. And its a problem that goes way beyond alcoholism. Its worse.
If you read this book, you will know, by Evans definition of abuse, if you have this sort of relationship or not. You will know if you have been affected just as she describes those in these relationships. Then you will know if this is the real nature of the problem or not.
Then you can start on the path for the real problem. If this is your unfortunate problem, you will see and know how vital it is to respond to the real problem. Her book tells you how to respond in these relationships, so that you are not perpetuating them - which is what you would be doing if you employed the advice given to you in this thread, which is aimed at normal marriages. So if it is abuse, you are armed with truth by recognizing reality, and can appropriately respond to reality. You would want to go beyond her advice by seeking good Catholic counsel for your new understanding of the actual problem, from priests (who are very often trained in relationship abuse) and truly Catholic counselors. Also in Evan’s book, she discusses how counselors and people of good will who do not understand the abuse dynamic can be perpetuators of the problem, and you will understand why this is unfortunately so. And that is good info to have, too.
The book is a real page-turner! You won’t want to put it down. Even if its not your problem, its an interesting one to learn of, to help you understand others’ problems. And if you don’t want to wait for the mail service, you can probably get it at your local library as well…
I cannot reccommend more highly to you Patrica Evan’s book: The Verbally Aubsive Realtionship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond. You can get this book anywhere - I see one for 75cents on half.com - since its been a best seller and had many reprintings. This book defines what is verbal abuse (judge for yourself if you agree with her definition) – there is a checklist to see if he is this, sort of like those checklists for alcoholics. Then there is a whole chapter on how it affects you to live married to one, what happens to you. So you can judge for yourself if you have been affected in this way. If you have, you will naturally want to prevent any more of this happening to you! Especially since you are responsible for yourself and your family! (and it doesn’t sound like anyone feels responsible for you! so its best you do take care, so you can take care of those who need you…) It is the reason why the Church deos not expect women to remain in abusive marraiges! Yes, it can kill you…
Perhaps you will read the definition and realize things are not that bad for you, or that your husband is not that bad. As Evan points out, many men have problems being verbally abusive, when situationally stressed or angry, but for them this is just bad habits and bad behaviors, and these men can correct themselves, particularly when they see how they are hurting with their words, and sometimes with the help of a counselor or other skilled adviser. Such normal men can and do change. The problem is when abuse defies the whole relationship, and is who the man is (or woman; women can be the abusors too, its just more often the men) and in that case you do NOT have a marriage. In that case all the advice you have received in this column does not apply to you. And its a problem that goes way beyond alcoholism. Its worse.
If you read this book, you will know, by Evans definition of abuse, if you have this sort of relationship or not. You will know if you have been affected just as she describes those in these relationships. Then you will know if this is the real nature of the problem or not.
Then you can start on the path for the real problem. If this is your unfortunate problem, you will see and know how vital it is to respond to the real problem. Her book tells you how to respond in these relationships, so that you are not perpetuating them - which is what you would be doing if you employed the advice given to you in this thread, which is aimed at normal marriages. So if it is abuse, you are armed with truth by recognizing reality, and can appropriately respond to reality. You would want to go beyond her advice by seeking good Catholic counsel for your new understanding of the actual problem, from priests (who are very often trained in relationship abuse) and truly Catholic counselors. Also in Evan’s book, she discusses how counselors and people of good will who do not understand the abuse dynamic can be perpetuators of the problem, and you will understand why this is unfortunately so. And that is good info to have, too.
The book is a real page-turner! You won’t want to put it down. Even if its not your problem, its an interesting one to learn of, to help you understand others’ problems. And if you don’t want to wait for the mail service, you can probably get it at your local library as well…
S
SandM
Guest
I’m going to say what people should be telling you, leave the relationship, ASAP.
On how many occasions has he made a scene in front of your children? You realize children learn by example, right? If they have already experienced his abuse to you for years, they’re already going to have trouble reversing the habits he has taught them.
A parent doesn’t have to tell a child what is right and wrong for them to avoid or pick-up bad habits. They learn by watching adults.
Do you think a parent hands his child a beer and forces him to drink one every night and that’s how children with alcoholic parents are more likely to become an alcoholic themselves? No. It’s conditioned into them just by watching their parents. Same with physical abuse. Same with everything, good and bad.
However, not every child becomes a statistic, but you’ve said your children are already disrespecting you. That is a huge red flag.
For your own sake and most of all your children’s sake, please leave him and take the children with. He’s a terrible example on them. And I’m afraid for your safety.
I say this as someone who inherited unhealthy behavior by just observing my parents. Because all I knew was bad behavior for all of my life, it’s **extremely **difficult to reverse.
You said this isn’t the first time he’s been physically and verbally abusive. If that’s the case, then this is the last straw. You cannot allow yourself and your children to stay in an unhealthy situation any longer. You’re also teaching your kids to stay in an unhealthy situation, so if it ever occurs to them, they could end up worse, or even dead.
I understand marriage is sacred and people don’t want you to become another divorce statistic, but you have to make the distinction that some marriages are *not *repairable. It’s sad, but it’s also sad that people stay together when they shouldn’t and they sacrifice their health, happiness, and even their children’s development.
You can only do so much yourself. Your husband needs a drastic change and I don’t think it’s safe for you and your children to try to fix a man who’s had the same problems for years.
It would have been different if this was the first time he was verbally and physically abusive to you, but it’s not.
Personally, if any man spouted sexist drivel to me and treated me as an inferior, I’d be out immediately. Men like that are vile. The only way these men will change is when no woman dates him.
On how many occasions has he made a scene in front of your children? You realize children learn by example, right? If they have already experienced his abuse to you for years, they’re already going to have trouble reversing the habits he has taught them.
A parent doesn’t have to tell a child what is right and wrong for them to avoid or pick-up bad habits. They learn by watching adults.
Do you think a parent hands his child a beer and forces him to drink one every night and that’s how children with alcoholic parents are more likely to become an alcoholic themselves? No. It’s conditioned into them just by watching their parents. Same with physical abuse. Same with everything, good and bad.
However, not every child becomes a statistic, but you’ve said your children are already disrespecting you. That is a huge red flag.
For your own sake and most of all your children’s sake, please leave him and take the children with. He’s a terrible example on them. And I’m afraid for your safety.
I say this as someone who inherited unhealthy behavior by just observing my parents. Because all I knew was bad behavior for all of my life, it’s **extremely **difficult to reverse.
You said this isn’t the first time he’s been physically and verbally abusive. If that’s the case, then this is the last straw. You cannot allow yourself and your children to stay in an unhealthy situation any longer. You’re also teaching your kids to stay in an unhealthy situation, so if it ever occurs to them, they could end up worse, or even dead.
I understand marriage is sacred and people don’t want you to become another divorce statistic, but you have to make the distinction that some marriages are *not *repairable. It’s sad, but it’s also sad that people stay together when they shouldn’t and they sacrifice their health, happiness, and even their children’s development.
You can only do so much yourself. Your husband needs a drastic change and I don’t think it’s safe for you and your children to try to fix a man who’s had the same problems for years.
It would have been different if this was the first time he was verbally and physically abusive to you, but it’s not.
Personally, if any man spouted sexist drivel to me and treated me as an inferior, I’d be out immediately. Men like that are vile. The only way these men will change is when no woman dates him.
M
Mummsie
Guest
I’m very sorry to hear of this sad time in your family. I will pray for all of you.
In my humble opinion, you owe it to yourself to go an Al-Anon meeting (as previously suggested). Alcoholism is an insidious dicease. It negatively impacts everyone. With Al-Anon you will find others facing your same situation. There is help there. I speak from personal experience. The Al-Anon way of life can bring you peace and help grow your spirituality.
God grant me…
the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can, and
the Wisdom to know the difference.
God bless you.
In my humble opinion, you owe it to yourself to go an Al-Anon meeting (as previously suggested). Alcoholism is an insidious dicease. It negatively impacts everyone. With Al-Anon you will find others facing your same situation. There is help there. I speak from personal experience. The Al-Anon way of life can bring you peace and help grow your spirituality.
God grant me…
the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can, and
the Wisdom to know the difference.
God bless you.
- Status