Married and Infertile, where's our place in the church?

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**When you are married and infertile what is your role in the church? We hope one day to adopt, but may or may not be able to make that happen, at least not soon. We are done trying to ‘fix’ things. That did more harm than good. What is God’s purpose and plan for us as a married infertile couple? What does the church say?

It seems that we just don’t fit in anywhere because of our infertility. Most married catholics are having child after child. We don’t fit in the Church, everything is geared towards marriage and** children and I don’t even fit in here cause so many here are having children. We feel like outsiders. We get **strange looks from fellow catholics and are viewed as contraceptors. We feel we cause scandal wherever we go because we have been married a while and still no children. Like we are promoting birth control or something. It’s just so hard to figure out God’s purpose for all this. And on top of it all I’m stuck on this Bible passage from 1 Timothy. It says that women will be saved through childbirth. 😦

Does this mean I can’t be saved cause I will never give birth to a child? 😦

I’m having so much trouble with this. I’m getting so down. And it doesn’t help that I am sick now and can’t work and have so much time to think. If any of you have been through this or have Church teachings or Scripture passages for what we are supposed to be doing here that would be much appreciated. Or anything to give some comfort, peace and strength. **
 
SAHW said:
It seems that we just don’t fit in anywhere because of our infertility. Most married catholics are having child after child. We don’t fit in the Church, everything is geared towards marriage and children and I don’t even fit in here cause so many here are having children. We feel like outsiders. We get **strange looks from fellow catholics and are viewed as contraceptors. We feel we cause scandal wherever we go because we have been married a while and still no children. Like we are promoting birth control or something. It’s just so hard to figure out God’s purpose for all this. **
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** Because so many Catholics contracept, its easy for some of us to make assumptions. Lots of us Catholics are idiots. Please forgive us. **

**
And on top of it all I’m stuck on this Bible passage from 1 Timothy. It says that women will be saved through childbirth. 😦
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**
Does this mean I can’t be saved cause I will never give birth to a child? 😦
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Of course not.

**
I’m having so much trouble with this. I’m getting so down. And it doesn’t help that I am sick now and can’t work and have so much time to think. If any of you have been through this or have Church teachings or Scripture passages for what we are supposed to be doing here that would be much appreciated. Or anything to give some comfort, peace and strength.
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**
The lady that runs this ministry, lhla.org/ has addressed issues such as yours on her radio shows, and does an excellent job.
 
What ministry calls to you? You seem to have a heart for kids, have you volunteered with the CCD or youth ministry? What about Pro Life work, working with the crisis pregnancy center?

St Vincent de Paul is always in need of help.

As Father said Sunday, the Parish needs everyone to contribute - once you start getting involved, you will feel more connected.

Prayers!
 
Oh sweetie, so sorry you feel out of place in the Church. :hug1: You are not causing scandal by suffering from infertility! Your love for each other as spouses is a reflection of Christ’s love for his bride regardless. You and your husband are an especially good example of this love and of your devotion because of your crosses with illness. It is nobody’s business except you, your husband and God as to why you don’t have children- just the same as if you were having “too many” of them.

I’m sure others will chime in with more practical advice- but in the meantime, another cyber :hug1:
 
Hi There,
I am so glad you wrote to share your story. I understand where you are coming from. After getting married, I found out there was no way I would ever get pregnant without major medical intervention(ie. IVF). I was so heartbroken, I couldn’t understand why this would happen to me. My husband & I found an infertility support group and it was a “life(& marriage) saver”. I was so down on myself and felt so alone. Everyone I knew seemed to be having kids. To be able to talk to others who are going through the same thing was so healing for me. I don’t think anyone can truly understand the pain of infertility unless they have gone through it. Almost seven years ago we adopted and it was the best thing to ever happen to us. I am the mother of the most incredible boy(not that I am biased;) ). If you can, try to find an support group, I found it so helpful. I also found once we decided to adopt, it was great because it was something I had control over. It was something we could make happen and a goal to work towards. This is probably hard to believe but I now look at my infertility as a gift. Otherwise I wouldn’t have my son. I don’t know of any scripture that could help you, sorry, but I hope my story lets you know you are not alone and that there are happy endings. My prayers are with you. Take care!
 
:hug3: It isn’t an easy cross to bear. I bear the same one. Our parish is a young parish and there are many children and babies all around. I heart breaks a lot. I had even tried setting up a support group in our church but no one was willing to set up and say they wanted support. Our parish priest was even willing to help. I do help with CCD as one person had mentioned earlier but not even that helps the longing for children. I don’t suggest though working at a crisis pregnancy center. I use to work there for three of the years that we have been ttc and I had to leave because it was too emotional seeing all those young girls coming in pregnant and either not wanting their baby or just so upset that they got pregnant. I had to protect myself emotionally. I don’t feel we get started at but I think some people do wonder. Our priest has been very good at supporting us through the whole thing. That has helped us tremendously. I don’t know what will be a good fit for you and your DH. I think it will take some time and some praying to find out what it truly is that God wants you to do. A good thing to do is to remember some our saints that went through inferitilty too: Sarah, Hannah, Sts. Anne and Joachim and many others.

Hope this helps. :hug1:
 
I think this would be an *excellent *question for you to ask a priest in the privacy and anonymity of the confessional. Tell him that this passage has been on your heart and what exactly does it mean for infertile people who are open to life and follow the Church’s teachings on birth control and fertility treatments?

I’m no biblical scholar, but I can think of several different ways to interpret it. Often passages in the Bible do have several meanings and actually reference other passages. Perhaps the original language had a somewhat different connotation than it does in English. Someone trained in Catholic theology might know exactly what this means.

One thing’s for sure. It doesn’t say “Women will *ONLY *be saved through childbirth.” No need to read it that way and get upset over it if that’s not what it says. 🙂

This might also be a good question for the Ask an Apologist section.
 
I am so sorry for your situation. I think you’ve been given some very good suggestions about finding a ministry that you enjoy and getting involved. It’s not going to take the desire for children away, but when you’re giving to someone/something else, it usually takes your mind off of your own troubles.

While my situation is nowhere near yours, I sometimes feel out of place. I am in my late thirties and single. There’s almost no group for me to belong to. So I just have to find something I love doing and do it to be part of the community.

You will be in my prayers.
 
OK this is just my opinion, I don’t know much. But I think you are in a unique position to guide couples who are busy raising children to remember that they are couples first, and parents second. Like, sometimes us parents forget to care for each other while we’re busy wiping Timmy’s nose. Again.
As far as 1 Timothy, it also speaks of woman leading a modest life and is in constant faith and love and holiness.
Sounds to me that you’re covered there.

It is nobody’s business why you don’t have children. God’s given all of us talents to use in His Church family. Some, like myself, just never seem to figure out what they are.
 
Just had a phone call from a good friend, a DRE at a large parish. She could never have children, and her take on it “by going into this ministry, God gave me hundreds of children!”
 
Just popping in to say that I could have written your post. All of it. It’s not an easy cross, is it? But then crosses are not supposed to be easy, and rarely do they make sense to those not burdened with them. God bless you.
 
First off (((HUGS))) and prayers for you. I’m sorry you carry this cross - it must be very difficult. 😦

My only thoughts or comments… GET INVOLVED in your parish… in everything you have time for!
There are so many times I look at our parish bulletin and say WOW!, I wish I had the opportunity to volunteer there! or to join this group! or go on that retreat! I’d LOVE to have the freedom to go teach religious ed classes! I know someday I’ll have the opportunity to do more at our parish (when the kids are grown), but now my life consists of changing diapers and nursing and helping with homework and feeding hungry kids. It’s so darn busy I don’t get to go do these extra things that may be fun!

Now go get busy! We parents NEED your HELP! Volunteer where we can’t! 👍
 
kage_ar said:
Just had a phone call from a good friend, a DRE at a large parish. She could never have children, and her take on it “by going into this ministry, God gave me hundreds of children!”
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This reminds me of my friend. She is a music teacher and says the same thing about her pupils. She and her husband married a little later in life and never managed to conceive. She says that God has given her many children through the music lessons she offers. 🙂
 
**Oh! I never expected to get so many responses. I can’t thank you all enough for your generosity in posting replies of consoling words and advice. You are so very kind and I pray God blesses you for everything you’ve done for us. :grouphug:

I feel so much, especially for those who are going through similar struggles. We must help each other and pray for one another. ****:hug1: I’m so sorry you must struggle too. :console:

I did want to make a clarification for all those who may have not read my other recent thread. I am, for many reasons, mainly medical, basically homebound. It sounds so strange coming from my mouth, but its true. I’m 26 and homebound. 😦 So that is another cross in and of itself. I have also found that when I am around children, such as at Mass or out on an errand with my husband that it heightens my sadness and emotional distress in being infertile. It also ignites feelings of jealousy towards their parents and anger towards God. So I have learned to keep my exposure to children during this time to a minimum, which kind of takes care of itself being mostly homebound. 🤷

**
 
Your post breaks my heart. I am there with you, we actually go to the EARLY mass because there are few children there, it is not that we don’t love children, we do, although we are tired of being JUDGED in Church by our fellow parishioners :mad:
And yes we are being judged, I have had more than a handful of people who really don’t know a thing about me make comments to me about our not having children. We have been there, crossed that bridge and determined what was best for us. I spent MANY hours with my priest in tears (not because of the infertility).

Anyway, if it is your and your husband’s desire to have children, call your local Catholic Charities and talk to them about adoption. You can also call your local Child and Family Services office and look at doing Foster Care. If you choose the Foster Care route, I suggest finding someone in your community that is or has been a foster parent and TALK to them about it. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to PM me.

Remember, St. Joseph was a foster parent to Jesus 👍

FYI: there are also crosses to bear when some of your fellow parishioners find out you are adopting, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have heard: “I couldn’t do that”, “Are you going to get a white baby”, “You know that they will always be messed up” (this one was said to me about all adopted children by a parishioner who is a therapist that didn’t realize I AM ADOPTED!!!), “What if you get a drug baby”………… It goes on.
And no it isn’t all fellow parishioners, just a handful, and other people in general will also say this stuff to you now and then. I have just learned to pray that God will help them understand and for me to be patient with them.
 
FYI: there are also crosses to bear when some of your fellow parishioners find out you are adopting, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have heard: “I couldn’t do that”, “Are you going to get a white baby”, “You know that they will always be messed up” (this one was said to me about all adopted children by a parishioner who is a therapist that didn’t realize I AM ADOPTED!!!), “What if you get a drug baby”………… It goes on.
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One can also never forget my personal favorite **“Once you adopt, **it will be easier to have one of your own”🤷 As if my son isn’t mine and you have no idea why we adopted.

Try to do what is best for you right now, in my “dark times” I couldn’t go to baby showers, birthday parties etc. If you find it hard to be around children, that is OK and totally normal. Don’t feel bad about it. Just make sure you and your husband are there for each other. This might sound selfish to some but only to those who can’t understand what you are going through. If I can answer any questions about my experience for you feel free to PM me. Good luck.
 
nomie said:
One can also never forget my personal favorite **“Once you adopt, **it will be easier to have one of your own”🤷 As if my son isn’t mine and you have no idea why we adopted.
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An In-Law of mine said this after having a dramatic breakdown for theirselves when they found out that we were going to adopt. :confused: Loved the look on their face when DH said, “that won’t be happening because I have no sperm”!!! 😛 (long story short, we don’t know if he does or not, but he felt that was the best thing to tell this person at the time)

The other horrible thing is people will almost always assume that the wife in infertile not the husband 🤷 :mad: :confused:
 
JustAnotherThou said:
An In-Law of mine said this after having a dramatic breakdown for theirselves when they found out that we were going to adopt. :confused: Loved the look on their face when DH said, “that won’t be happening because I have no sperm”!!! 😛 (long story short, we don’t know if he does or not, but he felt that was the best thing to tell this person at the time)

The other horrible thing is people will almost always assume that the wife in infertile not the husband 🤷 :mad: :confused:
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So true, so true. If anything, the adoption journey is character building but SO worth it in the end.😃

p.s. I love your adoption ticker
 
We went through years of infertility as well and some possible miscarriages (occured very early on). I can feel your pain, especially when being around other children and (for me) pregnant women.

At the time we were really going through difficult times, I was working at the Pediatric wing of a hospital. We’d often see children who were abused, and that was SOOO hard for me. Why, God, would you give children to them and not to us??!!

The questions from others are hard, but I learned that if someone was being really sincere, I would answer and try to educate them in the process. If they were just being nosy, I would say “Now, why would you ask me such a personal question?” or “What would make you say something like that?”

We did end up adopting two wonderful children, and have helped many others on their road to adoption as well.

I have learned through the infertility struggle, and through my current struggle with chronic illness, that everything happens for a purpose. We may not understand it, but God will use us exactly as He has planned if we just let Him. All my dreams may not be fulfilled, but God will honor those desires of my heart – it just might be in a different way than I had planned.

Several years ago we had made a move half-way across the country and expected to stay there to raise our then-young children. Only days into his new job, my husband discovered his position would be phased out within a year. I was very angry at God, and was telling Him so one morning, when I clearly heard His voice in my head saying, “But, Didi, think of how different your life would be if everything always went the way YOU planned it.”

Wow.

Lots of experiences I never would have had. Lots of places I never would have chosen to live. Lots of friends I never thought I’d make. Lots of jobs and responsibilities that I wouldn’t have chosen, but all of them helped me to learn skills that I still use today.

As much as your heart aches, just pray “Jesus, I trust in You.” He will fulfill your longings, and you may be very surprised by how it happens!

My heart is with you!
 
I can relate! I don’t really fit in with the married folks at my parish because it seems like they all have kids. I don’t fit in with the single folks at my parish because, well… I’m not single!

Now, some advice: is there a university with a Newman center close to where you live? If there is, try going to the latest Mass they offer. Mine has one at 9:30 PM and it’s all college students - no children at all! Makes it a lot harder to be distracted by jealousy during Mass. 🙂

And when people ask why I don’t have kids, I like some of these little gems:

“Well, we prayed for children for years… then we realized that’s not how you get them!” [it helps if you have a surprised look at the end]

“Doesn’t the stork bring them?”

“We’re waiting for a good sale… what, haven’t you ever heard of Babies R Us?” [this was an actual store where we live]

Or if it’s the same person who’s been asking you repeatedly, just tell them the truth:

“We cannot have children of our own. We would appreciate your prayers, but we’re too upset to discuss it any further.”

Maybe it’ll teach the busybody to mind his/her own business.
 
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