Married but Celibate

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Topaz1128

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Anyone else in this situation? My wife (a non-Christian) and I have been married only 9 years, but she stopped wanting to have sex about 6 years ago.

Ladies, I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s extremely difficult. I was into porn and masturbation for the longest time.

What’s interesting is that I have been asking Mother Mary to reveal herself to me because I want to begin devotion to her. After confession this past Saturday, I was praying (talking) to her, and it suddenly dawned on me that perhaps Our Lady dealt with this: being celibate despite being married.

It encouraged me, and now I feel closer to Mary. I have since joined the Knights of Columbus, but I’m afraid that the urges will return. I have been asking Our Lady to pray for me and strengthen me. She has helped out tremendously so far!

It’s still frustrating, and I am very envious of happily married couples with healthy sex lives. I would love to hear from Catholic men and women on how you deal with this. I’m sure I’m not the only one in this strange situation.

Topaz

P.S. My wife is from another country, has different cultural traditions than I, and is not interested at all in marriage counseling.
 
Topaz1128 said:
It’s still frustrating, and I am very envious of happily married couples with healthy sex lives. I would love to hear from Catholic men and women on how you deal with this. I’m sure I’m not the only one in this strange situation.

Topaz

P.S. My wife is from another country, has different cultural traditions than I, and is not interested at all in marriage counseling.
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It’s a waste of emotional energy to be envious of other people’s lives. We - none of us - know the state of other couples’ marriages and sex lives. And we’ve all got crosses to carry. It’s a much better use of your energy to focus on the state of your own marriage.

If your wife is unwilling to seek counseling for what’s happening in your marriage, seek counseling on your own. Also, seek the pastoral guidance of a good and holy priest in this matter.

Luna
 
Topaz1128 said:
What’s interesting is that I have been asking Mother Mary to reveal herself to me because I want to begin devotion to her. After confession this past Saturday, I was praying (talking) to her, and it suddenly dawned on me that perhaps Our Lady dealt with this: being celibate despite being married.
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ahem… I don’t know how/if this will help, but it was the first thing that popped into my head… so did Joseph…
 
It’s becoming alarming the amount of married Catholic couples that are celibate on here. Somewhere along the line, we as a Church are failing to preach healthy sexual values.

I will pray for you.
 
Topaz,

could it be that your wife lost interest in sex precisely because you were comitting adultery through the porn?

I mean, to be honest I don’t think I would want to be intimate with my husband anymore if I found out he had done stuff like that during our marriage, and even a past porn addiction would be a much bigger deal breaker for me in the dating phase than, say a past sexual relationship or two.
On CAF and everywhere where women write about being married to porn-addicts you see women whose identity and feeling of self-worth and sense of being good enough and beautiful enough have been severely undermined through their partners sin, which is why its such a powerful weapon of satan to destroy trust and purity between spouses.

I also think you should go to counseling… and I hope you dayly work on winning back the trust and forgiveness of your wife…
 
GraceDK said:
Topaz,

could it be that your wife lost interest in sex precisely because you were comitting adultery through the porn?

I mean, to be honest I don’t think I would want to be intimate with my husband anymore if I found out he had done stuff like that during our marriage, and even a past porn addiction would be a much bigger deal breaker for me in the dating phase than, say a past sexual relationship or two.
On CAF and everywhere where women write about being married to porn-addicts you see women whose identity and feeling of self-worth and sense of being good enough and beautiful enough have been severely undermined through their partners sin, which is why its such a powerful weapon of satan to destroy trust and purity between spouses.

I also think you should go to counseling… and I hope you dayly work on winning back the trust and forgiveness of your wife…
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Thank you, GraceDK. That cut to the heart in a good way.

Actually, I don’t know if my wife knew about my porn addiction. However, due to her coming from a different culture, she tends to keep her feelings hidden.

I guess I came across as a selfish jerk in my original post. I didn’t intend that. I apologize.
 
Topaz1128 said:
Thank you, GraceDK. That cut to the heart in a good way.

Actually, I don’t know if my wife knew about my porn addiction. However, due to her coming from a different culture, she tends to keep her feelings hidden.

I guess I came across as a selfish jerk in my original post. I didn’t intend that. I apologize.
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You didn’t come across as a jerk…

I have been told that some people know about it even subconsciously when their spouses are unfaithful, and maybe these things have some effect in the hidden spiritual world which makes your wife withdraw from you.
Maybe someone else here can say if they also know of such cases…

Maybe the fact that you have never asked her forgiveness although severely breaking your vows and thus living unreconciled could have an effect? Could it be that she knows what you have been doing and that is why she has not been wanting to unite with you, because she is waiting for your coming clear about things verbally?

Again, just saying this because I would probably act like that, being hurt and probably withdraw from intimacy if I knew my husband had been…
 
Topaz1128 said:
Anyone else in this situation? My wife (a non-Christian) and I have been married only 9 years, but she stopped wanting to have sex about 6 years ago.

Ladies, I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s extremely difficult. I was into porn and masturbation for the longest time.

What’s interesting is that I have been asking Mother Mary to reveal herself to me because I want to begin devotion to her. After confession this past Saturday, I was praying (talking) to her, and it suddenly dawned on me that perhaps Our Lady dealt with this: being celibate despite being married.

It encouraged me, and now I feel closer to Mary. I have since joined the Knights of Columbus, but I’m afraid that the urges will return. I have been asking Our Lady to pray for me and strengthen me. She has helped out tremendously so far!

It’s still frustrating, and I am very envious of happily married couples with healthy sex lives. I would love to hear from Catholic men and women on how you deal with this. I’m sure I’m not the only one in this strange situation.

Topaz

P.S. My wife is from another country, has different cultural traditions than I, and is not interested at all in marriage counseling.
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If you wife refuses counseling, go alone. You can tell her that you are going; it may make her curious enough to want to attend.

Also seek counsel with your priest or confessor. It’s hard to judge since we are not hearing your wife’s story so the advice of someone professional would be warranted to guide you. There may be many reasons why your wife lost interest in marital relations and you can be more open with a professional.

Good luck and God Bless.
 
Just to clarify, celibate means unmarried.

I believe you mean married but *continent *or abstinent.
 
There may be a physical or psychological reason why your wife no longer wants sex. She probably needs to go to a doctor about this and you two should go to a counselor. There are more options out there then to just accept a sexless marriage. Prayer is a must to help you through the situation. I will say a prayer for you.
 
You married in the Church? As part of your marriage prep your wife understood that - in spite of being from a different culture - you were entering a Catholic marriage and with that marriage come responsibilities.

Please, begin counseling with a solid Priest for yourself. Pray and fast for your wife.
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

However, originally I asked if anyone else was in this same situation (being married but abstinent). How do you deal with it?

In my case, let’s just say counseling is not an option.

Thanks,

Topaz
 
Your wife is sinning by refusing you sexually. She needs prayers as well and will have some moral culpability for any sexual sins you fail to resist because she is denying you your conjugal rights.

There is a practice of Josephite marriages where the couples freely choose not to exercise their marital rights. This can only be done by mutual consent, and the Church greatly discourages it because it does tend to lead people into temptation when they are perfectly entitled to legimate sexual activity with their spouses.

I would urge you to pray to St. Joseph as well.
 
You said that you counseling is out. I was wondering if you have asked your wife why she does not want to have relations with you. Open communication can happen between the two of you if it is done with loving charity. I think this could be even better that going to a counselor. Is your wife Catholic? If she is, does she know the teaching of the Church on this?
 
I am sorry you have not gotten any responses from people who have been in this position. There are those like you out there so don’t feel alone. go to Eucharistic Adoration, keep yourself busy to keep yourself out of trouble, do what she wants to do when you go out, talk to her, eat with her, love her, go to confession just like the saints for better understanding of your purpose here and to help you become who God created you to be. commit yourself to acts of charity outside of your home. It is a fruitful journey. Sometimes these things just happen. ask for prayer. If you are feeling tempted call a friend and talk about God and holiness, have a code word. Join a mens prayer group at church. If you have a Fraternus group that would be good. Read up on our Saints and how they achieved holiness…in other words probably what you are doing already. It will be a lifelong battle but she is still your wife. Make sacrifices for her soul. Pray for her…

I won’t talk about my intimate details with any counselor either. I just cannot bring myself to do it, so if i were in her shoes, I just couldn’t do that. so we would be on our own too.

I am also sorry others are trying to villify your wife. You can make her feel cherished and loved by trying to understand who she is. While the act of physical love is unitive and procreative etc, you have what you have and will simply make it work by loving her in the way she understands. Through prayer. Through offering up your suffering for something. You must connect in other ways. It isn’t your “ideal” but getting beligerent over it surely isn’t going to fix it. Demanding rights isn’t going to fix it…you have no rights in a marriage. It’s all about you giving yourself to her.

You sound very good to me. She is very blessed and probably knows that.
 
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