Married but still think about my ex, please help!

[Compostella]

I have been married for three and a half years and I love my husband. Before I met him I was in a relationship of five years. That person was emotionally abusive and I suffered a lot from it, yet I loved him so much. After years of him cheating or being really mean, apologizing and going back to the same thing, he proposed to me and swore he had really changed. So I said yes, but it didn’t feel right. Deep down inside I knew I’d be in for the same thing. Maybe even worse. So I called it off. My husband came into my life and was just the total opposite. He’s caring and sweet and loves me so much. Yet, I think about my ex a lot and it’s been years. I feel haunted by his memory and the what ifs. I feel guilty for thinking about him and it makes me feel horrible. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be back with my ex. I don’t even want to think about him. It tortures and depresses me.

 

[Xantippe]

When the thoughts come, instead of trying to push them away instead offer a prayer. Say something like "Jesus yes this man was once in my life and I am thinking of him again. I can’t control my thoughts Jesus but help me to know your love and help my old boyfriend to know your love too. " Having these thoughts doesn’t mean that you love your husband any less. It is easier to stop the rain from falling than to stop your mind from wandering! Instead of getting mad at yourself offer the thoughts as a prayer. satan wants you to feel like a bad wife for having these thoughts so don’t let him succeed. Hope this helps a little, please be assured of my prayers.

I think that’s good advice.

In a somewhat different situation, there are certain locations that trigger thoughts about my miscarriage. My miscarriage was three years ago and when I was in the throes of grieving it, I would have obsessive negative thoughts that I found difficult to stop (and honestly, wasn’t trying that hard to stop, as they’d worn a sort of groove in my mind). With time, those episodes became more widely spaced and milder. Whenever I find myself in locations that trigger memories of my miscarriage, I pray, “Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy” and I think that approach is gradually fading the triggering response.

Given how powerful the emotions you experienced with your ex-boyfriend were, it’s not surprising that they’ve worn a sort of groove in your mind. Years ago (19 years ago now), I had a very damaging relationship with a boyfriend, and a thought about that time flickers now and then, but fairly rarely.

I would suggest responding to the thoughts as they start with material of your own choosing (for instance a prayer or “I’m so glad I have my husband–if I had stayed with X, I wouldn’t have my husband” and when you have kids “I’m so glad I have my baby. If I’d stayed with X, I wouldn’t have my baby”). With time, you may find your mind becoming less and less responsive to the initial cues that were previously so overwhelming.

And if that doesn’t do the job, try getting some more specialized psychological help to get the tools to get your ex out of your head.

Best wishes!

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[DarkLight]

As someone who’s been on the emotional rollecoaster of an abusive man…the good times are really really good, and they feel even better in contrast to the bad times. Oftentimes they feel even better in the moment than the same thing from a good man, just because of conditioning (in the extreme form this is the basis of stockholm syndrome).

So first off, look at what it is that you liked, and try to objectively evaluate it. Is it something you can’t have with your current husband? Is it something not all that good really? Second, remind yourself why you left. You don’t need to go into detail, but keep a good memory on your shoulders.

 

[Xantippe]

As someone who’s been on the emotional rollecoaster of an abusive man…the good times are really really good, and they feel even better in contrast to the bad times. Oftentimes they feel even better in the moment than the same thing from a good man, just because of conditioning (in the extreme form this is the basis of stockholm syndrome).

Yes, there’s a good psychological basis for all of this.

“Pigeons experimented on in a scientific study were more responsive to intermittent reinforcements, than positive reinforcements.[17] In other words, pigeons were more prone to act when they only sometimes could get what they wanted. This effect was such that behavioral responses were maximized when the reward rate was at 50% (in other words, when the uncertainty was maximized), and would gradually decline toward values on either side of 50%.[18] R.B Sparkman, a journalist specialized on what motivates human behavior, claims this is also true for humans, and may in part explain human tendencies such as gambling addiction”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement

See also the classic book “Why Does He Do That?”

goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

 

[ClearWater]

I have been married for three and a half years and I love my husband. Before I met him I was in a relationship of five years. That person was emotionally abusive and I suffered a lot from it, yet I loved him so much. After years of him cheating or being really mean, apologizing and going back to the same thing, he proposed to me and swore he had really changed. So I said yes, but it didn’t feel right. Deep down inside I knew I’d be in for the same thing. Maybe even worse. So I called it off. My husband came into my life and was just the total opposite. He’s caring and sweet and loves me so much. Yet, I think about my ex a lot and it’s been years. I feel haunted by his memory and the what ifs. I feel guilty for thinking about him and it makes me feel horrible. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be back with my ex. I don’t even want to think about him. It tortures and depresses me.

I had one boyfriend who, in the end, didn’t treat me well, and I was even the one who ended it. Yet, with time, I forgot about how bad it was, wanted to go back to him, in truth was obsessed with him for years.

Then, one thing helped me. I began talking about this with a close friend of mine, and somehow, admitting my feelings made it go away, ironically.

With obsessions, sometimes the more you resist them, the worse they become, sort of like the idea, “What you resist will persist”. So, try a different strategies. With obsessions, one way is to ignore them.

On one show, it was saying, “Whatever you do, do NOT think about pink rabbits! DON’T think about them!” as a way to get a kid to think about rabbits instead of something upsetting. It was showing how, when we resist something, it makes it stronger.

Another way is to seek counseling from a psychologist on ways on how to deal with this, since it seems to be somewhat obsessive, possibly, talk it out, and ask for strategies to help handle this.

I actually wouldn’t beat yourself up about this, because I think that would only draw further attention to it, make it worse, rather than better.

When you think of how much you loved him, start to remember how bad it honestly and truly was, to a point you wanted out.

 

[oneofmany]

I have been married for three and a half years and I love my husband. Before I met him I was in a relationship of five years. That person was emotionally abusive and I suffered a lot from it, yet I loved him so much. After years of him cheating or being really mean, apologizing and going back to the same thing, he proposed to me and swore he had really changed. So I said yes, but it didn’t feel right. Deep down inside I knew I’d be in for the same thing. Maybe even worse. So I called it off. My husband came into my life and was just the total opposite. He’s caring and sweet and loves me so much. Yet, I think about my ex a lot and it’s been years. I feel haunted by his memory and the what ifs. I feel guilty for thinking about him and it makes me feel horrible. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be back with my ex. I don’t even want to think about him. It tortures and depresses me.

Well if it was me and the boyfriend was abusive each time I thought of him I would thank God I did not go down that path and would say a little prayer of thanks. Read stories about women in abusive relationships, it’s horrible for them and the kids. If you have a great husband be doubly thankful that you were smart enough chose the right path. Abusers always apologize but never change, that is their MO. Remember that.

 

[Xantippe]

I think it may help to study abuse and figure out what the methods used are. If you can tell yourself, “That was a line, that was manipulation, I bet he did that to every woman he dated” rather than evidence that you were a special snowflake living a one-of-a-kind greatest love story ever told, it may help a lot.

Good luck!

 

[LongingSoul]

As someone who’s been on the emotional rollecoaster of an abusive man…the good times are really really good, and they feel even better in contrast to the bad times. Oftentimes they feel even better in the moment than the same thing from a good man, just because of conditioning (in the extreme form this is the basis of stockholm syndrome).

So first off, look at what it is that you liked, and try to objectively evaluate it. Is it something you can’t have with your current husband? Is it something not all that good really? Second, remind yourself why you left. You don’t need to go into detail, but keep a good memory on your shoulders.

When I read the OP I immediately thought “Stockholm Syndrome” and I see DarkLight has already mentioned the syndrome.

You could do with some “deprogramming” by taking this specific thing to counselling. It’s not too different than the type of work that drug addicts have to do after giving up their drug. They still get plagued with the desire for that ‘high’ and it throws a damper on the joy and contentment of their good life.

 

[Caroline723]

Have you ever asked yourself why you stayed with him for five years when he treated you so badly?

It is often said that the reason why we are attracted to abusers in romantic relationships is because they remind us of childhood experiences, and we are unconsciously seeking to “fix” our childhood by rewriting it through this new adult relationship. Do you think something like that is happening interiorly for you?

A good psychologist will help you get to the heart of why the past still has a hold on you. Don’t feel like you are betraying your husband by these disturbing thoughts about your ex. It’s not about your ex. It’s something inside of you that probably just has to come to the surface and resolved.

 

[Xantippe]

Have you ever asked yourself why you stayed with him for five years when he treated you so badly?

I bet he didn’t treat her badly 100% of the time–that’s the trick.

 

[Boccherini]

I don’t know if this helps, but you should be proud and happy that you made the right decision. And relieved that you can’t go back.

 

[on_the_hill]

I broke up with a girlfriend who’s been on my mind frequently since then. I ask myself the “what ifs” also. There’s no doubt in my mind that we had no future together at all. She was emotionally abusive, and it was quite toxic. And even though it’s been a while, and I’m married with children, and I love my wife, sometimes I ask myself what I would do if I suddenly found myself single. The answer is always the same–no, I wouldn’t go back to her.

So maybe if you let yourself think it through and don’t hide from it, you can come to a resolution and have control over your feelings.

By the way, I broke up with her in early June 1991.

 

[Compostella]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I really do appreciate it. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this so yall are all I have. God bless yall.

 

[Roxygirl1488]

I have been married for three and a half years and I love my husband. Before I met him I was in a relationship of five years. That person was emotionally abusive and I suffered a lot from it, yet I loved him so much. After years of him cheating or being really mean, apologizing and going back to the same thing, he proposed to me and swore he had really changed. So I said yes, but it didn’t feel right. Deep down inside I knew I’d be in for the same thing. Maybe even worse. So I called it off. My husband came into my life and was just the total opposite. He’s caring and sweet and loves me so much. Yet, I think about my ex a lot and it’s been years. I feel haunted by his memory and the what ifs. I feel guilty for thinking about him and it makes me feel horrible. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be back with my ex. I don’t even want to think about him. It tortures and depresses me.

I’ve been in a similar situation before, it’s important to recognize it for what it is, a temptation.
Just say a prayer, and do something to distract yourself from the thoughts…

 

[Estevao]

I’d say saying the rosary would be a better bet than paying a shrink thousands of dollars to get you to realize that some dude who abuses you isn’t actually that hot. Ask Mary what kind of husband she had, some loser who abuses women or St Joseph?

See also the classic book “Why Does He Do That?”

goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

Seems like a good advice book for all those nice guys out there who can’t get the time of day from women while some dudes who “emotionally abuse” or physically abuse women have women literally obsessing over them years after the fact, or giving speeches about them in front of thousands of people about how hot he was and how head over heels she was with him.

 

[Xantippe]

I’d say saying the rosary would be a better bet than paying a shrink thousands of dollars to get you to realize that some dude who abuses you isn’t actually that hot. Ask Mary what kind of husband she had, some loser who abuses women or St Joseph?

**Both are actually a good idea.

It wouldn’t necessarily need to be thousands of dollars, either, with a good therapist. A good one would be able to set you up with a program that you can follow by yourself. It’s the bad ones that have the same clients for year after year after year doing the same thing over and over again getting nowhere. A preliminary appointment would be a good time to ask for an “estimate” as to what the usual plan of treatment is and how long it should take. **

Seems like a good advice book for all those nice guys out there who can’t get the time of day from women while some dudes who “emotionally abuse” or physically abuse women have women literally obsessing over them years after the fact, or giving speeches about them in front of thousands of people about how hot he was and how head over heels she was with him.

Unfortunately, there are some “dark arts” that work pretty well on getting somebody to stick with you (push/pull, drama, and other manipulative methods), at least temporarily. (And either sex can use those dark arts.) However the dark arts 1) will likely cause a stronger, more functional partner to leave (note that the OP is no longer with the old boyfriend) and 2) by a process of elimination (see #1), will leave the abuser with a weak, wounded, dysfunctional partner if the abused partner stays.

(One of our our young relatives had a physically abusive boyfriend for a number of years. By the end of their relationship, she had so much brain damage that (although she can walk around and talk and present reasonably normal much of the time), despite being a relatively young woman who once had a very promising future ahead of her, she is now pretty much wrecked for life and won’t be able to hold down even the most minimal of jobs, barring some major medical breakthrough. On the one hand, she stuck with her boyfriend for something like half a decade, but on the other hand, she was presumably getting less and less functional as time went on and the abuse progressed.)

 

[Estevao]

Unfortunately, there are some “dark arts” that work pretty well on getting somebody to stick with you (push/pull, drama, and other manipulative methods), at least temporarily. (And either sex can use those dark arts.) However the dark arts 1) will likely cause a stronger, more functional partner to leave (note that the OP is no longer with the old boyfriend) and 2) by a process of elimination (see #1), will leave the abuser with a weak, wounded, dysfunctional partner if the abused partner stays.

Right, yet for some reason these “dark arts” cause women to literally obsess over you years after the fact, while nice guys can’t even get the time of day from women, much less even get any lasting memories.

(One of our our young relatives had a physically abusive boyfriend for a number of years. By the end of their relationship, she had so much brain damage that (although she can walk around and talk and present reasonably normal much of the time), despite being a relatively young woman who once had a very promising future ahead of her, she is now pretty much wrecked for life and won’t be able to hold down even the most minimal of jobs, barring some major medical breakthrough. On the one hand, she stuck with her boyfriend for something like half a decade, but on the other hand, she was presumably getting less and less functional as time went on and the abuse progressed.)

Yep, meanwhile hordes of non-women beating nice guys pine away and get rejected day after day with nary a second thought from most women. “Oh he’s boring, oh he’s too nice, blah blah blah”. It’s funny how things work, it blows my mind how women could find such men attractive, but women are from venus as they say…

 

[Xantippe]

Right, yet for some reason these “dark arts” cause women to literally obsess over you years after the fact, while nice guys can’t even get the time of day from women, much less even get any lasting memories.

**The dark arts are available to both sexes and sometimes the mechanism works without the perpetrator even intending it to work.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I realize one of the holds I had on an old boyfriend (aside from the charms of my person) was that I did not actually care for him and was always breaking up and getting back together with him. (It was a totally accidental push/pull.) We had fundamental incompatibilities and our relationship was doomed from Day 1, but I think the drama was addictive to both of us, which was part of why the relationship continued as long as it did.

With a little age, distance and experience (and perhaps some help from a therapist), one can learn to evaluate this sort of stuff with a cool head and realize, no, that wasn’t the love story of the century, that was 100% pure drama. (Of course, back in the 90s, “drama” wasn’t even a thing in this context, so I wouldn’t have even had the word available to think with.) **

Yep, meanwhile hordes of non-women beating nice guys pine away and get rejected day after day with nary a second thought from most women.

**I haven’t had a chance to talk to her about this (painful subject), but I suspect that my relative’s abusive boyfriend presented pretty well initially. They were both from upper-middle class Eastern European immigrant families, their parents had almost identical professions, they both had some Jewish ancestry, they were both artistic etc., etc. Had he not been a psychopath and a felon on the run for a murder in a different jurisdiction, on paper it would have sounded like a match made in heaven. I also suspect he didn’t start smacking her around on the first date and from the photographs I’ve seen he is actually kind of nerdy looking. Also, she didn’t even know his real name for years (once she learned the name and googled him and found out who she was, she did turn him in to the police–long story). Abuse doesn’t start up at full intensity from the first time you meet someone. There may well be a long honeymoon. The abuse gradually ramps up but also cycles between “good” times and “bad” times. It’s not “bad” all the time. So that’s how women wind up stuck in it.

Also, how do you know that you wouldn’t be abusive if you had a girlfriend or wife? If you haven’t had a serious girlfriend or been married, you don’t know what you are capable of. **

“Oh he’s boring, oh he’s too nice, blah blah blah”. It’s funny how things work, it blows my mind how women could find such men attractive, but women are from venus as they say…

So, have you asked anyone out in the last 90 days?

Also, how about asking women out that you actually have something in common with? (And just both being Catholic isn’t good enough.)

 

[Boccherini]

"Right, yet for some reason these “dark arts” cause women to literally obsess over you years after the fact, while nice guys can’t even get the time of day from women, much less even get any lasting memories. "

The dark arts are available to both sexes and sometimes the mechanism works without the perpetrator even intending it to work.
)

As you imply at the end of your post men are expected to be more active in the beginnings of relationships, so it is common that attractive young women are approached by potentially abusive men and shy young men are left alone and become lonely. Especially in a society where many people get very little guidance from their parents or other elders.
But that is not the only reason I think why when one hears “how is it possible that A is with B, A could have done so much better,” A is a woman and B is a man.

To a man especially it causes a lot of unpleasant cognitive dissonance to hear women say that they want “relationships” and understanding and respect (whereas men only want sex and beauty) and then to see some women irrationally stuck to men who obviously don’t give them these things.

But maybe this isn’t the right place to discuss this.