Married but Unable to Copulate (Temporary)

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needleskane

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Hi everyone! It has been almost 6 weeks 😦 since my wife and I have been able to have relations due to the birth of our child 😃 I will always have a struggle with temptation to masturbation due to my past, and I made it 3 weeks until a lapse today. I hope to get stronger as I do not see relations anytime in the near future due to understandable recovery time. Have any other men experienced this and find the struggle to intensify when relations are not possible? It is very difficult to stay pure during such a stressful time. I am doing my best and do not want to beat myself up but instead get back on the tightrope. Any feedback would be appreciated. (Move this thread to family life if that is more appropriate)
 
Get up, brush yourself off, try again. Also, pray the rosary every day, and when you can, if you can, find some time once or twice a week to visit the chapel and sit near the tabernacle (if this is possible).

I honestly never thought I would overcome that sin. Deeply wrapped up in it for years and years. Now, although the struggle is there sometimes, it is fleeting and much easier to avoid. I, however, am celibate, and so the difficulty of having a woman nearby is rather non-existent.

Ask your wife for help, also. She should understand your weakness and do her best not to provoke it, by dressing and acting modestly around you. Little innocuous things that a husband and wife can do might be a cause for you to fall into very serious sin. If you don’t use the “m” word with her, simply explain it as a matter of purity and ask for her help.
 
SighGuy said:
Get up, brush yourself off, try again. Also, pray the rosary every day, and when you can, if you can, find some time once or twice a week to visit the chapel and sit near the tabernacle (if this is possible).

I honestly never thought I would overcome that sin. Deeply wrapped up in it for years and years. Now, although the struggle is there sometimes, it is fleeting and much easier to avoid. I, however, am celibate, and so the difficulty of having a woman nearby is rather non-existent.

Ask your wife for help, also. She should understand your weakness and do her best
not to provoke it, by dressing and acting modestly around you. Little innocuous things that a husband and wife can do might be a cause for you to fall into very serious sin. If you don’t use the “m” word with her, simply explain it as a matter of purity and ask for her help.
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???
She has a new baby. She’s probably nursing. :rolleyes:
Marriage is all about the other person and respecting them, helping them , and loving them.
Time to think “what I can I do to help my wife while she adjusts to a new child?”
Thinking less of our own desires and more about what we can do to support our beloved will take a lot of energy, a lot of thought, and a lot of properly ordered feelings.
 
I don’t mean that (if indeed she is nursing). What I meant was, lurid stares, passionate kissing, walking around nude after a shower, etc… even sleeping in the same bed if it is a great ordeal for you to remain pure in that place. I assume that you’re both avoiding these things, but if you’re not, it could be a part of the problem.

I don’t mean to suggest that couples oughtn’t to kiss or sleep together, but if these things lead to feelings that you cannot satisfy, then you’re better off leaving them behind for the moment. Eyes and arms are good, too, but if they cause us to sin it’s better to throw them away than to enter into Gehenna with them still attached.

I agree with you that taking a positive approach (that is, thinking more of how to help one’s spouse will fill up time one would otherwise spend dwelling in the arena of lust) is good, and I believe it complementary and even essential, but that my negative approach (eliminating the causes of the sin) is also important and helpful.
 
SighGuy said:
I don’t mean that (if indeed she is nursing). What I meant was, lurid stares, passionate kissing, walking around nude after a shower, etc… even sleeping in the same bed if it is a great ordeal for you to remain pure in that place. I assume that you’re both avoiding these things, but if you’re not, it could be a part of the problem.

I don’t mean to suggest that couples oughtn’t to kiss or sleep together, but if these things lead to feelings that you cannot satisfy, then you’re better off leaving them behind for the moment. Eyes and arms are good, too, but if they cause us to sin it’s better to throw them away than to enter into Gehenna with them still attached.

I agree with you that taking a positive approach (that is, thinking more of how to help one’s spouse will fill up time one would otherwise spend dwelling in the arena of lust) is good, and I believe it complementary and even essential, but that my negative approach (eliminating the causes of the sin) is also important and helpful.
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I know you believe this is helpful, but one needs to view their spouse as something MORE than a sexual being living in the same house. If I thought that simply sleeping in the same bed with my husband was an occasion of sin…I’d be devastated. I am more than flesh. I am spouse, best friend, mother of your children, and deserving of patience, love, and tenderness.
Sex isn’t everything. The sooner people embrace this (no pun intended), the more fulfilling the sex will be when it is possible and mutually desired.
Peace.
 
Try doing what your wife does: immerse yourself in the new baby you’re exhausted. And then do it again.

It’s a really practical solution that has benefits for bonding as a family, bonding with the baby, and builds the respect of your spouse so when you’re both ready to be intimate again, she will want to.

Happy Father’s Day.
 
Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

Now, baby is six weeks old? Mother going for a post-partum check up very soon? Provided everything went normally, her recovery is probably complete and it will be just a matter of a few days before your life in the bedroom returns to its former “glory.”

However, if mother is nursing, make sure she speaks to her doctor. Those hormonal changes in her body can make the marital bed a place of discomfort. There are numerous non-dangerous products that c an help with this side effect of nursing.
 
You could keep yourself busy by changing diapers, doing baby laundry, washing bottles, and rocking your new bundle of joy to sleep at three in the morning. `
 
Allegra said:
You could keep yourself busy by changing diapers, doing baby laundry, washing bottles, and rocking your new bundle of joy to sleep at three in the morning. `
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This!

Make sure Mom gets rest and nutrition. If she isn’t ready physically, even after the six week mark, then you’re going to have to continue that continence.

Please reading on post partum libidos of women. Six weeks isn’t the “magic number” physically or emotionally. Six weeks is an average. To woo her, if need be, let her see you becoming a dad, not just a father.

Any addict knows that lifestyles have to change to contain an addiction. Grow into your full roles of both father and husband, and you won’t have the time or energy to sin the way you mentioned.

But please don’t come back an hour after she has her six week visit whining how she isn’t “ready.” Look it up now and prepare yourself.
 
I am well aware that the six week mark is not a magic number. I in fact plan that it could be months before the “first” time. I was more looking for feedback from chaste married men who have been through this and have tactics to combat their biological drive over long periods of time.
 
needleskane said:
I am well aware that the six week mark is not a magic number. I in fact plan that it could be months before the “first” time. I was more looking for feedback from chaste married men who have been through this and have tactics to combat their biological drive over long periods of time.
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Well, that’s why I hesitated from posting.
It appears that you are completely leaving your dear spouse out of the picture.
Why ask anonymous internet strangers when you could have a loving conversation with your wife? Assuming of course that you also expect that good marital relations are contingent on a loving understanding from the get go. Recent childbirth or not.
Who is it that said “we are more than our passions”. ?
Oh well. 🤷
 
My wife has not practiced her Catholic faith for 20 years and actually finds it ridiculous and somewhat psychologically damaging that I cannot “tend to my own needs” and suffer “unnecessary guilt and shame”. She understands my struggle though and is supportive, so perhaps I will bring it up and let her know I am trying my best for her and the baby.
 
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