Married but wanting to be abstinent

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MaryRita85

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I’m newly converted 👍 but prior to becoming Catholic, I was a sexual deviant. I had tried any and everything you could think of. Yes, some were adulterous, as well. Well, I am passed that (though I do struggle at times with thoughts) but now I have no want to do anything sexual. Partly because I know it is a slippery slope(for me personally) and also because I have no want or desire. I attend Mass, twice per week and try to go to Confession at least every other week,unless I have committed a mortal sin or are struglling much with a venial sin, so I am definitely working through this.Well, I am married and have been for almost 10 years, as you can imagine this could pose a problem. What do you do when you want to be abstinent and forego any sexual activity but you are supposed to be obedient to your husband and he wants sexual intimacy? Please, help!
 
I’m sorry you are going through this. You are a bit in the situation of someone who is overcoming an addiction to food; that is, it is not up to you to forego sex when you are married to someone who reasonably expects a mutual gift of life that normally includes sexual intimacy. That gift is part of the life of your marriage, not just recreation for one or both of you. You have a gift to give, as soon as you are able to give it, a gift that belongs to your husband, and belongs to him by virtue of your sacred promise. That does not mean you have to give what you do not have, but that you ought to want to be able to give this gift, and to make it possible to give it.

See someone professional about your problem, including helping you to figure out how to have your husband help you through it. I would suggest that you start with a conversation with your pastor, although this is work that will undoubtedly be long term and done with someone other than him. You’ll want his help in finding a trustworthy counselor, because there are those out there who will not lead you rightly.

I do not know if your husband knows about your past infidelities, or if those were committed against him, but you also need pastoral counseling concerning if and how you ought to divulge your past to him. Sometimes the victims of our sins have a right to know they have been victimized, but sometimes a confessor will conclude that to divulge the offense would itself be an additional offense. In any case, when we are married and sin against purity, we sin against both our spouse and God. Most of the time, the errant spouse has to discern the right course when it comes to admitting their wrong to their spouse. Sometimes, our spouse has made it very clear that they expect to be told everything, if we stray, or that they want to be kept innocent of wrongdoing and only expect total amendment and contrition, but those situations are very rare. This is not a contingency that most marriages have prepared for, and not one with automatic right answers to suit every situation.

Do not decide this by your own lights; get pastoral help! Remember, too, that the answer will depend on what is in the interest of your spouse, not what makes life easier for you. More than one opinion is not out of place, if you have any doubts. Arrange a special meeting with your pastor/confessor, because you’ll want more time to talk it over than you ought to take during the time scheduled for confessions of a more straight-forward nature.
 
This is a tough question, but I honestly don’t think abstinence is the right solution to your worries.

You’re basically haunted by your sinful past and afraid it will take control of you again should you even give it the chance. This is what the devil convinces us when we slip into sin–first, that sin is the best option, and then once we are deep in that we can never be pure again.

I think you should resist that belief. Christopher West wrote an amazing introduction to John Paul the Great’s theology of the body called “Good News About Sex and Marriage” that will get your mind around what sex really is. If you can handle it "it’s super dense, "The Pope’s seminal work “Man and Woman He Created Them: The Theology of the Body” will really focus your mind on the Lord’s plan for sex.

There’s a ton of other books by great authors but the most important thing to do is fast and pray. Give intentions to our Lady to break this cycle of fear that your have. Do not be afraid of your body. Do not be afraid of your past sins. You are reborn. You can learn, by the grace of God to use your body for good and not evil. But to do that, you have to throw yourself at Jesus’s feet. Study, pray, fast, and seek help from the Church as you have with your post.

I’ll keep you in my intentions. But I urge not to let the gift of your sexuality go to waste out of sheer fear. I hope that helps.
 
EasterJoy said:
I’m sorry you are going through this. You are a bit in the situation of someone who is overcoming an addiction to food; that is, it is not up to you to forego sex when you are married to someone who reasonably expects a mutual gift of life that normally includes sexual intimacy. That gift is part of the life of your marriage, not just recreation for one or both of you. You have a gift to give, as soon as you are able to give it, a gift that belongs to your husband, and belongs to him by virtue of your sacred promise. That does not mean you have to give what you do not have, but that you ought to want to be able to give this gift, and to make it possible to give it.

See someone professional about your problem, including helping you to figure out how to have your husband help you through it. I would suggest that you start with a conversation with your pastor, although this is work that will undoubtedly be long term and done with someone other than him. You’ll want his help in finding a trustworthy counselor, because there are those out there who will not lead you rightly.

I do not know if your husband knows about your past infidelities, or if those were committed against him, but you also need pastoral counseling concerning if and how you ought to divulge your past to him. Sometimes the victims of our sins have a right to know they have been victimized, but sometimes a confessor will conclude that to divulge the offense would itself be an additional offense. In any case, when we are married and sin against purity, we sin against both our spouse and God. Most of the time, the errant spouse has to discern the right course when it comes to admitting their wrong to their spouse. Sometimes, our spouse has made it very clear that they expect to be told everything, if we stray, or that they want to be kept innocent of wrongdoing and only expect total amendment and contrition, but those situations are very rare. Do not decide this by your own lights; get pastoral help! Remember, too, that the answer will depend on what is in the interest of your spouse, not what makes life easier for you. More than one opinion is not out of place, if you have any doubts. Arrange a special meeting with your pastor/confessor, because you’ll want more time to talk it over than you ought to take during the time scheduled for confessions of a more straight-forward nature.
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I support this answer as well.
 
EasterJoy is exactly right. I know from previous posts MaryRita that your husband is aware of your history and, well, sort of participated a bit in the history as well. You both need counseling. I daresay that you might even concede that your history looks a bit like addictive behavior.

I’d suggest a professional therapist and/or something like Recovering Couples Anonymous. While you may no longer be in a sexual addictive pattern, the hurt caused by such a pattern (like the habitual adultery) is still there. You need joint counseling/recovery and you might personally need some kind of therapy.
 
I agree counseling is a good idea and I did have a very addictive personality. I’m just feeling resentment towards him since I don’t want to partake in intercourse. I don’t want this to happen. I can’t change my past but at times, I still feel weak. The Lord gives me strength but I’m so scared to fall again:(
 
MaryRita85 said:
I agree counseling is a good idea and I did have a very addictive personality. I’m just feeling resentment towards him since I don’t want to partake in intercourse. I don’t want this to happen. I can’t change my past but at times, I still feel weak. The Lord gives me strength but I’m so scared to fall again:(
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I know what you mean. It is a very difficult situation, when one of the spouses feels so guilty and distressed by past sexual history, that all desire for intimacy disappears. There have been many times like that for me. It is still very difficult for me to overcome my shame. So many people here have been so kind to me, reminding me that God is not keeping a record, and that I’ve been absolved fully, and forgiven fully. It’s a process. Counseling would help you and your husband, but even if he doesn’t go, you should go, because you can get help for your OWN problems with sex. I would suggest pastoral counseling and not secular. At the very least, Catholic Charities.

Your husband desiring marital relations may seem like more of a curse, but it’s a blessing. It is a form of intimacy that he really needs, and that only you can give him.

I will pray for you. Will you pray for me? Thank you.
 
The_Bucket said:
EasterJoy is exactly right. I know from previous posts MaryRita that your husband is aware of your history and, well, sort of participated a bit in the history as well. You both need counseling. I daresay that you might even concede that your history looks a bit like addictive behavior.

I’d suggest a professional therapist and/or something like Recovering Couples Anonymous. While you may no longer be in a sexual addictive pattern, the hurt caused by such a pattern (like the habitual adultery) is still there. You need joint counseling/recovery and you might personally need some kind of therapy.
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It will help tremendously if your spouse can be enlisted as a sympathetic partner, instead of this whole difficulty having been hidden from him. This is an issue for a married couple to address together, at any rate.

One life…talk to him! As the therapists say, you do not have to want to, as long as you want to want to. I hope you do, because there is nothing to replace the embrace of your husband. 👍
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I know what you mean. It is a very difficult situation, when one of the spouses feels so guilty and distressed by past sexual history, that all desire for intimacy disappears. There have been many times like that for me. It is still very difficult for me to overcome my shame. So many people here have been so kind to me, reminding me that God is not keeping a record, and that I’ve been absolved fully, and forgiven fully. It’s a process. Counseling would help you and your husband, but even if he doesn’t go, you should go, because you can get help for your OWN problems with sex. I would suggest pastoral counseling and not secular. At the very least, Catholic Charities.

Your husband desiring marital relations may seem like more of a curse, but it’s a blessing. It is a form of intimacy that he really needs, and that only you can give him.

I will pray for you. Will you pray for me? Thank you.
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Absolutely, I will pray for you!
 
EasterJoy said:
It will help tremendously if your spouse can be enlisted as a sympathetic partner, instead of this whole difficulty having been hidden from him. This is an issue for a married couple to address together, at any rate.

One life…talk to him! As the therapists say, you do not have to want to, as long as you want to want to. I hope you do, because there is nothing to replace the embrace of your husband. 👍
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That is such a great way to look at it, thank you!!
 
MaryRita85 said:
That is such a great way to look at it, thank you!!
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We all wish you the best! You’re part of the way there…hang in there!!

May you and your husband have the beautiful marital sharing that you deserve, and all the joy and intimacy that goes with it! May God bless you both!
 
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