Married children and Christmas -- need advice

[midori]

When I got married, we lived 300 miles from my family, and 800 miles from his family. So we spent our early married years just sort of being homebodies and having a low-key Christmas. Then we moved to be 400 miles away from my family, and had children… and I would take the kids down to spend Christmas with my family, but left DH behind at home to spend Christmas by himself due to his work schedule. Which wasn’t really ideal, but DH isn’t big on Christmas, and my mom is, and Christmas is for small children.

These days, as more of my siblings have grown and moved on, and as my MIL has moved to be closer to us, we offer to host Thanksgiving or Christmas. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. We don’t want a holiday to be like that proverbial cupcake that you stick your thumb in and claim as “mine”. But I’ve also made an effort to visit my family a couple of times a year, outside of holidays. As I’ve grown and developed my family, family has become more important to me… rather than just being part of a group of people who happen to be related to each other, if that makes sense. Chances are, your adult children need to work through those concepts themselves— figuring out how to redefine family relationships from the child/adult model to the adult/adult model.

Living two hours away is nothing. That’s like, drive there, meet for lunch, catch a museum, get out before rush hour hits, and be home in time for dinner. Even though my husband isn’t big on holidays, one thing he has taught me is not to wait for a special occasion to do X. If you want to have people down for the weekend, or give someone a gift, or do stuff, don’t set it aside until you can do it in conjunction with the proper holiday. Do stuff just because you love someone.

 

[Phemie]

Hi Phemie,
Yes, that sounds like a more convenient arrangement for all involved. That must have been nice. However, it sounds like you had to adjust and come up with other traditions that worked best for your family later on.

I learn something new every day. I looked up Réveillon and that sounds pretty cool, although it also sounds like very little sleep that night going into Christmas Day itself.

Just curious… Did anyone get any sleep Christmas Eve night/Christmas?

I remember Christmases in the 60s when we were all much younger when we would get to bed around 3:30-4:00 am. Since we’d all been to Midnight Mass and dinner was only at night, Mom & Dad didn’t have to get up early that day. And since most of the relatives had partied at our house they knew not to come calling too early.

Before we kids were old enough to go to Midnight Mass we went to bed at our regular time and were woken up after Mass for the Réveillon – not that I or the older of my 2 brothers needed much waking up. Excitement had usually kept us awake pretty much all that time. That’s when, usually, Mom went to Midnight Mass and sat with the relatives and Dad would stay home with us. He’d take us to the Mass in the morning while Mom would finish the Christmas dinner preparations.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Yes it can be complicated,even confusing & upsetting for some people,
Particularly for mixed families, I Solved the Problem right from the start,
I told my 3. Sons,come when you can make it,they have parents,in laws,grandparents,
Invitations from their close friends etc
Yes it can be upsetting when there’re to busy to spend much time with you,
We find it hurts less when you let go ,

 

[Tommy999]

I remember Christmases in the 60s when we were all much younger when we would get to bed around 3:30-4:00 am. Since we’d all been to Midnight Mass and dinner was only at night, Mom & Dad didn’t have to get up early that day. And since most of the relatives had partied at our house they knew not to come calling too early.

Before we kids were old enough to go to Midnight Mass we went to bed at our regular time and were woken up after Mass for the Réveillon – not that I or the older of my 2 brothers needed much waking up. Excitement had usually kept us awake pretty much all that time. That’s when, usually, Mom went to Midnight Mass and sat with the relatives and Dad would stay home with us. He’d take us to the Mass in the morning while Mom would finish the Christmas dinner preparations.

That sounds like a wonderful family tradition to have. I can relate to staying awake due to the anticipation of something like that. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Kit15]

My mom’s side meets Christmas Day. My father and his siblings eventually decided to move Christmas to the following weekend.

My husband’s extended family has traditionally met on Christmas Eve so there is no conflict.

Thanksgiving, we alternate. My family on even years. His on odd years. Fortunately everyone is understanding of that. If there was a Christmas Day conflict, we would probably alternate Christmas opposite our Thanksgiving plans.

 

[Phemie]

Yes it can be complicated,even confusing & upsetting for some people,
Particularly for mixed families, I Solved the Problem right from the start,
I told my 3. Sons,come when you can make it,they have parents,in laws,grandparents,
Invitations from their close friends etc
Yes it can be upsetting when there’re to busy to spend much time with you,
We find it hurts less when you let go ,

Our friends have 4 daughters. One married a man whose family simply can’t let go. He’s in the military and they’d like him to give up his career so he could come back and live close to them, in the same house if possible. At the same time they don’t like her. You can imagine how fraught Christmas is.

This friend has made it clear to all her daughters that Christmas will be celebrated whenever those who are in the same town can be together. If that means that those daughters that have in-laws have Christmas dinners with their in-laws and keep them happy, that’s just fine. We know in advance that Christmas dinner with them might not be Christmas Day, depending on what the girls’ in-laws have planned but at some point during the Christmas season we will all be saying Grace at their table and enjoying our time together as family. For many years they would then be celebrating the New Year at our table with the same arrangements.

 

[Tommy999]

When I got married, we lived 300 miles from my family, and 800 miles from his family. So we spent our early married years just sort of being homebodies and having a low-key Christmas. Then we moved to be 400 miles away from my family, and had children… and I would take the kids down to spend Christmas with my family, but left DH behind at home to spend Christmas by himself due to his work schedule. Which wasn’t really ideal, but DH isn’t big on Christmas, and my mom is, and Christmas is for small children.

These days, as more of my siblings have grown and moved on, and as my MIL has moved to be closer to us, we offer to host Thanksgiving or Christmas. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. We don’t want a holiday to be like that proverbial cupcake that you stick your thumb in and claim as “mine”. But I’ve also made an effort to visit my family a couple of times a year, outside of holidays. As I’ve grown and developed my family, family has become more important to me… rather than just being part of a group of people who happen to be related to each other, if that makes sense. Chances are, your adult children need to work through those concepts themselves— figuring out how to redefine family relationships from the child/adult model to the adult/adult model.

Living two hours away is nothing. That’s like, drive there, meet for lunch, catch a museum, get out before rush hour hits, and be home in time for dinner. Even though my husband isn’t big on holidays, one thing he has taught me is not to wait for a special occasion to do X. If you want to have people down for the weekend, or give someone a gift, or do stuff, don’t set it aside until you can do it in conjunction with the proper holiday. Do stuff just because you love someone.

Good points, Midori. I’m sure we’ll get it worked out, with God’s help. I also agree that people shouldn’t feel restricted as to when they get together. In other words, they shouldn’t be limited to just the holidays.

 

[Tommy999]

My mom’s side meets Christmas Day. My father and his siblings eventually decided to move Christmas to the following weekend.

My husband’s extended family has traditionally met on Christmas Eve so there is no conflict.

Thanksgiving, we alternate. My family on even years. His on odd years. Fortunately everyone is understanding of that. If there was a Christmas Day conflict, we would probably alternate Christmas opposite our Thanksgiving plans.

Sounds like a logical arrangement that works out well in your case, and probably for others, too.

 

[Tommy999]

Yes it can be complicated,even confusing & upsetting for some people,
Particularly for mixed families, I Solved the Problem right from the start,
I told my 3. Sons,come when you can make it,they have parents,in laws,grandparents,
Invitations from their close friends etc
Yes it can be upsetting when there’re to busy to spend much time with you,
We find it hurts less when you let go ,

Sounds like you are very flexible with this, Phil. I admire you for that.

As I try to visualize how this works, are you saying that you may potentially have 3 Christmas celebrations, one for each son?
That sounds logistically challenging to me, although it sounds like it works for you. Knowing my wife, she would probably want both sons and their families to celebrate with us at the same time, regardless of when it was.

 

[St_Francis]

It is unfortunate that the idea of a Christmas/Thanksgiving split didn’t happen this year, but as Catholics, we can also celebrate St Nicholas Day (Dec. 6) and Epiphany. (Jan.6) as gift- giving days, so maybe that would give your family more flexibility. Also, try to encourage the idea of their spending more *time *during the holidays than the actual days, when you have grandchildren, that will work out better for you and your wife.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Sounds like you are very flexible with this, Phil. I admire you for that.

As I try to visualize how this works, are you saying that you may potentially have 3 Christmas celebrations, one for each son?
That sounds logistically challenging to me, although it sounds like it works for you. Knowing my wife, she would probably want both sons and their families to celebrate with us at the same time, regardless of when it was.

That may not always be feasible, though.

DH is one of 8. Of the 8, three live in our state. One is in and out of the country with work. The other four are local.

His parents also have many siblings, who also have children but none of whom are local to them.

Expecting all kids/grandkids/aunts/uncles/cousins/etc to manage to make it into town on the same day every year is just a recipe for disaster; we’re talking close to 50 people with varying schedules (many of them on shift work, others who are students, some international, etc), and bear in mind that only a few of my generation have kids so far. Once another half-dozen of us have kids, can you imagine trying to coordinate all those schedules?

Really, what do you need for a Christmas celebration? Mass, tasty food, fun people, a tree, and perhaps a few gifts. So…that’s what we do as people come in. There isn’t one huge day; there are many slightly smaller but still lovely celebrations.

 

[Magdalen2013]

There is a reason that the Christmas season has 12 days – so you can get to visit everyone you need to celebrate with…

Had you considered having your son and his girlfriend come for Epiphany instead? It’s still part of the season, but not quite so fraught has having them split Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

Also the suggestion of switching off by being at one family for Thanksgiving and the other family for Christmas is good too.

 

[pianistclare]

Huh? Obviously, because a couple wants to spend holidays together and they can’t physically be two places at once. Therefore, the parents have to decide whether its more important to have all of their children and grandchildren present, or more important to celebrate on the actual holiday. Are you saying this because the young couple isn’t married yet and you think they should just split up and go to their own families’ celebration? That’s fine for now, but eventually they will be married and have children, so what then? Both families want their children present, but the couple can only be at one place at the same time.

I don’t think tou read my whole post.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think tou read my whole post.

• you

 

[Tommy999]

Very good, advice, Monicad. I will pray and take what you said to heart.

Thanks again to everyone who responded. With God’s help, I think things will work out for my wife. This is a bit of an adjustment period for us (especially for her) but it’s not like we’re the first ones who have ever encountered children getting married and moving away.

I may explore more into the “Twelve Days of Christmas” aspect of things that some of you recommended. If that is done, there is plenty of quality time during the Christmas season for get-togethers and there is no need to wrestle over specific days so much.

Thanks again, all.

.

 

[AdamP88]

Hello all,
My wife and I have two children (both young adult sons). One of them is engaged to a nice Christian girl. He lives in a city about two hours away from us where he got a job. He met his fiancé there, who lives with her family.

Our other son still lives at home with us for the time being.

Before Thanksgiving, my wife called our son to see if he would be celebrating it with us. He said that Thanksgiving was very important to his fiancé’s family, so he was planning on celebrating with them, which he did. It’s important to us, also, but we understood and decided to not press the issue. After all, compromise is part of life and we want to be reasonable in-laws and not be a pain in the tuckus.

Earlier this month when we discussed Christmas plans, he asked us if we could celebrate Christmas a few days before Christmas with our side of the family so that he could spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her family. That upset my wife a lot. We finally told him that we are planning to celebrate Christmas as normal on Christmas Eve and that he and his fiancé can come celebrate with us or do their own thing, but that we were planning on celebrating it as we always have done, and what he does is up to him.

After talking it over among themselves, our son and his fiancé are now planning to stay with us on Dec 23 and Christmas Eve and attend Christmas Eve service with us, but that on Christmas morning they are planning to drive back to their city and spend the rest of it with her family. His fiancé will be staying at our neighbor’s home, with whom we are good friends. We have no trouble with this arrangement.

Question:
Just curious how other families split up time at major holidays. We don’t want to be selfish and insist that our son and his fiancé spend all major holidays with us, but we definitely want to share part of at least one holiday with them. We don’t think that is too much to ask.

Just curious how everyone else splits up the holidays when it involves married children. I would imagine it might get even more complicated with the more married children you have.

I’m just married myself but I imagine we’ll alternate and spend one with my parents and next year with my wife’s parents etc. Though when we have kids I imagine we’ll probably spend more time at home at Christmas.

 

[pensmama87]

I’m just married myself but I imagine we’ll alternate and spend one with my parents and next year with my wife’s parents etc. Though when we have kids I imagine we’ll probably spend more time at home at Christmas.

Yes. We are having Christmas dinner here this year and even though we have some meal prep to do, I’m glad that the in-laws are coming to us. (My husband is an only, and my parents live thousands of miles away. I haven’t seen them for a major holiday since I got married.)

 

[Xantippe]

I’m just married myself but I imagine we’ll alternate and spend one with my parents and next year with my wife’s parents etc. Though when we have kids I imagine we’ll probably spend more time at home at Christmas.

Yeah. We started out dutifully hauling ourselves across the country every Christmas, but as time went by, we were less and less eager to do so. It eventually occurred to us that it didn’t make a lot of sense to travel with children when the playgrounds are cold and wet and have the kids cooped up indoors for days, when we could travel in the summer instead.

Also, trying to get small children to sleep in a strange bed is often a pain.

 

[Rico_S]

Yeah. We started out dutifully hauling ourselves across the country every Christmas, but as time went by, we were less and less eager to do so. It eventually occurred to us that it didn’t make a lot of sense to travel with children when the playgrounds are cold and wet and have the kids cooped up indoors for days, when we could travel in the summer instead.

Totally understand that perspective. It can be a pain to travel in winter with little kids.

We lived a few hours away from family in the first years of our marriage, so we traveled back home with little kids for the holidays. When we moved back to where our family lived, I was excited about the prospect of waking up in my own bed and and not having to load up and lug christmas with us. And, honestly, it was nice. But there was something special about packing up the car, traveling with the little ones heading home for Christmas. Kids were excited, grandparents were excited…it just felt like Christmas. Now that we do not have to travel, it just doesn’t have the same feel. I miss it.

As far as the OP’s situation, I think its got to be tought to adjust to not having your children present at the major holidays; so it’s understandable for your wife to be disappointed. I wouldn’t worry to much about that unless she starts to try to guilt trip your son or interfere too much. I actually think you all handled it nicely–I think it is unreasonable to move Christmas several days ahead in order to accomodate them, especially when they already spent Thanksgiving with the other family AND they are only 2 hours away. (that is nothing, really).

I think the compromise your son struck seems very workable. My extended family shifted its celebration to Christmas Eve so as to make Christmas available to spouses’ families or individual family celebrations. It has worked out fantastically!! It’s nice to spend a Christmas eve together then go to midnight mass.

Best of luck to you!

 

[ConfusedLucy]

That first Christmas is hard on parents, even though mine were reasonable about it I know they found it hard. My advice from a daughter in laws perspective is to be proactive about making plans with your sons, don’t expect their wives to be facilitators for contact.