Married children and Christmas -- need advice

[Tommy999]

Thanks to all recent posters, including AdamPeter, pensmama87, Xantippe, and Rico S.

What I have learned from the majority of posters to this thread is the need to be flexible so as to not alienate my son and his soon-to-be wife, which I totally agree with.

When my boys get married and start having kids, we may need to play it by ear and even go to their house instead of the other way around, assuming they invite us. When our other son gets married and starts having kids, the logistics might get even more interesting.

For now, we have it planned out for this year and everyone seems to be ok with the arrangement.

We will do our best to roll with the flow in the future. If we have a holiday without seeing our married children and future grandkids, my next challenge will be establishing new traditions with my wife so that she won’t feel lonely if we are by ourselves on a major holiday. I already have a few ideas. One family I know (they happen to be Catholic) have a tradition of going to a movie on Christmas Day after Mass and then having a nice Christmas dinner together. That sounds like a possible new tradition that would work for us, too.

Thanks again to all who responded to this thread. May you all have a blessed Christmas

 

[Tommy999]

That first Christmas is hard on parents, even though mine were reasonable about it I know they found it hard. My advice from a daughter in laws perspective is to be proactive about making plans with your sons, don’t expect their wives to be facilitators for contact.

Good point, Lucy. Based on reading some of your comments on other threads, you seem to have a good perspective on life and don’t seem too confused to me. I appreciate the advice.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Well growing up we split things like this so all was fair with both families.

Christmas Eve was spent with my mom’s family.
Christmas Day was OUR PERSONAL IMMEDIATE FAMILY DAY ONLY!
The day after Christmas was for my Dad’s family.

That’s about as fair as you can get.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have been in this situation, and agree that driving two hours each way on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day is exhausting and anything but festive. We lived an hour each way from relatives (one east and one south), and I came to hate the driving. The year we were iced in and couldn’t travel was such a revelation, we never drove around on Christmas again. We celebrate Christmas at home, and we drive around later during the Octave of Christmas (which is, incidentally, what my parents did to visit their many siblings over the holidays).

Since this is 2016, though, I’d encourage your son to make use of FaceTime or Skype on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas in the evening, once bringing a laptop around to the group so that everyone at his fiance’s house can “meet and greet” you, your wife and your second son briefly, if they haven’t already. The best situation, after all, is that your new daughter-in-law’s family practically become extended relatives of yours. That will make it a little easier on your wife and give your son a chance to “see” his family on Christmas.

As for you, start planning your every-year “very important to the family” holiday, something that your future daughter-in-law and the grandchildren you do not have yet will look forward to. I have a friend who has a gathering with camping and all sorts of outdoor activities for the several days around 4th of July. Perhaps for you, it will be having them down for Easter Vigil and a splendid meal afterwards. It is up to you and depends on the kind of family traditions you have that you can foresee your son wanting to share with his own kids with you.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I don’t know if it’s as much of an issue in the US but in the UK travelling at Christmas is a nightmare with traffic on every motorway and trains being cancelled and diverted. Journeys can take more than twice as long as they usually do and that’s not even factoring weather causing problems. I’ve only got the weekend and two bank holidays and travelling to my parents or in laws would mean spending almost half my time off in a traffic jam.

A lot of people I know stay home for Christmas and have get togethers another time when it’s easier to travel, we are planning one mid-January.

 

[Phemie]

Since this is 2016, though, I’d encourage your son to make use of FaceTime or Skype on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas in the evening, once bringing a laptop around to the group so that everyone at his fiance’s house can “meet and greet” you, your wife and your second son briefly, if they haven’t already. The best situation, after all, is that your new daughter-in-law’s family practically become extended relatives of yours. That will make it a little easier on your wife and give your son a chance to “see” his family on Christmas.

That’s what we do. Our two sons and our daughter-in-law are unable to travel at this time of year so Christmas morning we have a conference SKYPE, generally while the little ones are opening their presents. That way the boys get to see their uncles and aunt at Christmas and we get to share valuable time together even if we’re physically apart. It will never replace being able to hug the boys and DIL, but it’s making the best of a non-ideal situation.

Our stress each year is always the possibility that a snowstorm will throw a wrench into the works and delay our trip out. This year is worse because we’re late going, the first leg of our flight is not until late evening on the 23rd and second leg at 5 am Christmas Eve. Once we make it to Ottawa, where DD and her family live, we will breathe a sigh of relief.

DH is retired and I job share with someone who will happily work my shifts if snow keeps me from getting back on schedule. That has happened once, our scheduled flight home on Dec. 30 was cancelled and the next available flight was Jan 3. We simply enjoyed New Year’s Eve with our SIL’s family. It was great!

 

[CatholicSheila]

I’m not married but I have 3 brothers so I can give an idea. The difference we have is there is no other major ‘family’ holiday in Australia. It’s Christmas or nothing. Thankfully the various in-laws all live within 1/2 hour.

Brother 1: He and his wife celebrate Christmas with her family on Christmas eve and they spend Christmas day with my family. It has been this way for years. Her family decided to celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve when their eldest son got married and spend the actual Christmas day going to church. It has worked very very well for our family.

Brother 2: When he was still married, our family choose to do a Christmas breakfast. This allowed us to see my brother and his wife and their kids but still allowed them to attend the big Christmas lunch and dinner that her family did. There were efforts early on to suggest that it be rotated (Breakfast actually sucks) but the wife absolutely refused so we did breakfast for 10 years.

Brother 3: Initially his in-laws insisted his family be there for presents first thing in the morning and also for Christmas lunch. He did presents with them, drove to do breakfast with us then rushed back to Christmas lunch with them. Thankfully his wife is lovely and after 2 years of that they put their foot down. The in-laws were told to choose: They could have presents/breakfast or they could have lunch. They can’t have both. They’ve chosen lunch every year since. So we’re still doing breakfast.

I don’t particularly like Christmas breakfast but whenever I feel resentful about it I try to remember that it isn’t just my family that compromises. My eldest brothers in-laws also do so and my family benefits.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s what we do. Our two sons and our daughter-in-law are unable to travel at this time of year so Christmas morning we have a conference SKYPE, generally while the little ones are opening their presents. That way the boys get to see their uncles and aunt at Christmas and we get to share valuable time together even if we’re physically apart. It will never replace being able to hug the boys and DIL, but it’s making the best of a non-ideal situation.

Our stress each year is always the possibility that a snowstorm will throw a wrench into the works and delay our trip out. This year is worse because we’re late going, the first leg of our flight is not until late evening on the 23rd and second leg at 5 am Christmas Eve. Once we make it to Ottawa, where DD and her family live, we will breathe a sigh of relief.

DH is retired and I job share with someone who will happily work my shifts if snow keeps me from getting back on schedule. That has happened once, our scheduled flight home on Dec. 30 was cancelled and the next available flight was Jan 3. We simply enjoyed New Year’s Eve with our SIL’s family. It was great!

It is a great thing for grandchildren when their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins from both sides of the family know each other and enjoy each other’s company. It also makes “sharing” the couple and their children a lot easier. It also takes a lot of stress off of the couple when they have events such as baptisms, first birthdays, graduations, and so on when everyone invited is happy to see everyone else invited. The joy is truly multiplied.

 

[Phemie]

It is a great thing for grandchildren when their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins from both sides of the family know each other and enjoy each other’s company. It also makes “sharing” the couple and their children a lot easier. It also takes a lot of stress off of the couple when they have events such as baptisms, first birthdays, graduations, and so on when everyone invited is happy to see everyone else invited. The joy is truly multiplied.

Yes, it’s great. After our SKYPE session and presents are done we head for SIL’s brother’s place for a nice brunch with the in-laws. Then back home to finish the dinner preparations. SIL’s parents will join us late in the afternoon for dinner.

This year, for the first time, one of DH’s cousins and her husband will be there also. They just recently moved to the area and she said that she cannot remember spending Christmas with anyone from her mom’s side of the family in at least 50 years so it’ll be very special.

 

[Aggie414]

I’ll give my two cents as an adult child (not married but have a serious boyfriend). For the first time in my adult life (I’m 46) my mother is coming to my house for Christmas. I’ve always traveled and been the one to conform myself to other’s schedules, and I have to say it’s very nice not to have to put my dogs in boarding with that extra expense and be away from all that I know at Christmas. Now, I think she’s mainly doing this as avoiding a conflict that’s arisen in our family – and I do not think that’s healthy – but I have to say that it’s nice to be able to be in my home for Christmas and not be the one to do all the traveling.

Just a thought.

 

[Tommy999]

I’ll give my two cents as an adult child (not married but have a serious boyfriend). For the first time in my adult life (I’m 46) my mother is coming to my house for Christmas. I’ve always traveled and been the one to conform myself to other’s schedules, and I have to say it’s very nice not to have to put my dogs in boarding with that extra expense and be away from all that I know at Christmas. Now, I think she’s mainly doing this as avoiding a conflict that’s arisen in our family – and I do not think that’s healthy – but I have to say that it’s nice to be able to be in my home for Christmas and not be the one to do all the traveling.

Just a thought.

I agree, Aggie414. We will need to be flexible going into the future and I assume we will be the ones traveling to see them at some point in the future when they have kids or want to host a holiday in their own home. Starting off, my sons and his future wife will be living in an apartment after they get married.

Thanks to Phemie and EasterJoy regarding Skype and other means of sharing together.
My wife knows how to use that.

 

[newf]

My husband and I have 3 married daughters. We live in Michigan, 2 of them live in NYC and the other lives in Chicago.

We have young grandchildren.

We are currently doing “Christmas Pahlooza” as my husband calls it. I spent last week in NYC, had all the gifts wrapped and sent to their homes ahead of time. My husband flew in on the weekend and we had 2 nights with one daughter and 2 nights with the other. It was perfect. We just got home and are now heading to Chicago this weekend. We will see my other daughter and her family.

When Christmas actually arrives, we will gladly be spending it home alone.

Different phases of life call for different ways of handling things. Right now, I am in the ‘less is more’ phase. I don’t care about the exact day of celebrating. I am happy to see our girls and grandkids whenever we can.

 

[phillylawyer]

As others have pointed out, the bible repeatedly states that, "“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Although both parties owe an obligation to be respectful and make time for families, in general, husbands end up making more of a “break” from their families than vice versa. It is the husbands that are specifically directed to leave their mothers and fathers.

In our case, my wife and I live a couple thousand miles away form both sets of parents. We try to make time for both of them, but in general, we end up seeing my parents once a year, and hers more like two or three times per year (mostly because she is an only child, so her parents travel up here more often than mine do).

But, I agree with the advice that as a young husband to be, he will feel the inclination to cling to his wife and her family and support her and her family and make her feel comfortable in the new family they are creating together. While that certainly can be hard on parents, and they should definitely be respectful of you and your wife, that desire to leave his parents and please his wife is a good desire, ordained by God.

Sounds like you guys did a great job raising a Godly man who cares about his future wife’s happiness. You should be proud!

 

[Tommy999]

My husband and I have 3 married daughters. We live in Michigan, 2 of them live in NYC and the other lives in Chicago.

We have young grandchildren.

We are currently doing “Christmas Pahlooza” as my husband calls it. I spent last week in NYC, had all the gifts wrapped and sent to their homes ahead of time. My husband flew in on the weekend and we had 2 nights with one daughter and 2 nights with the other. It was perfect. We just got home and are now heading to Chicago this weekend. We will see my other daughter and her family.

When Christmas actually arrives, we will gladly be spending it home alone.

Different phases of life call for different ways of handling things. Right now, I am in the ‘less is more’ phase. I don’t care about the exact day of celebrating. I am happy to see our girls and grandkids whenever we can.

I like your flexibility. It seems to be working out well for you and your family.

 

[Tommy999]

As others have pointed out, the bible repeatedly states that, "“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Although both parties owe an obligation to be respectful and make time for families, in general, husbands end up making more of a “break” from their families than vice versa. It is the husbands that are specifically directed to leave their mothers and fathers.

In our case, my wife and I live a couple thousand miles away form both sets of parents. We try to make time for both of them, but in general, we end up seeing my parents once a year, and hers more like two or three times per year (mostly because she is an only child, so her parents travel up here more often than mine do).

But, I agree with the advice that as a young husband to be, he will feel the inclination to cling to his wife and her family and support her and her family and make her feel comfortable in the new family they are creating together. While that certainly can be hard on parents, and they should definitely be respectful of you and your wife, that desire to leave his parents and please his wife is a good desire, ordained by God.

Sounds like you guys did a great job raising a Godly man who cares about his future wife’s happiness. You should be proud!

Thank you for the biblical application to this issue, phillylawyer. That makes me feel like we have done the right thing.

By the way, your name makes me a little hungry for a little Philly Cheesesteak.

 

[BoysMama]

We alternate Christmas and Christmas Eve between my parents house and my in-laws house. We have Christmas morning at home for our boys.

 

[Tommy999]

FYI… Everything worked out fine at Christmas.

Our son and his fiancé arrived during the morning of Dec 23, went with us to Christmas Eve Candlelight service and stayed with us through Christmas morning, when they drove back home (2 hours) to go to church and then went to her family’s for Christmas dinner. While with us, they also had close friends of theirs in our city come and visit and everyone had a good time.

While with us, our son’s fiancé slept over at our next door neighbor’s home, They are close friends of ours whose adult children are all married and living elsewhere, so they were kind enough to let her sleep there. They are nice and hospitable so that worked out fine. We kidded with her that next year she won’t have to go and stay over there.

We agreed to play it by ear next year and be as flexible as possible as to what will happen next Thanksgiving and Christmas when they are married.

Note: One side benefit from your answers was that I decided to start a new tradition with my wife after Christmas where she and I will share our presents with one another during the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ period so that we will have something else to look forward to after Christmas.

This was something just for the two of us to help my wife not feel so lonely after our son leaves and to celebrate the whole Christmas season and not just Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Thanks again, everyone.

 

[Xantippe]

FYI… Everything worked out fine at Christmas.

Our son and his fiancé arrived during the morning of Dec 23, went with us to Christmas Eve Candlelight service and stayed with us through Christmas morning, when they drove back home (2 hours) to go to church and then went to her family’s for Christmas dinner. While with us, they also had close friends of theirs in our city come and visit and everyone had a good time.

While with us, our son’s fiancé slept over at our next door neighbor’s home, They are close friends of ours whose adult children are all married and living elsewhere, so they were kind enough to let her sleep there. They are nice and hospitable so that worked out fine. We kidded with her that next year she won’t have to go and stay over there.

We agreed to play it by ear next year and be as flexible as possible as to what will happen next Thanksgiving and Christmas when they are married.

Note: One side benefit from your answers was that I decided to start a new tradition with my wife after Christmas where she and I will share our presents with one another during the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ period so that we will have something else to look forward to after Christmas.

This was something just for the two of us to help my wife not feel so lonely after our son leaves and to celebrate the whole Christmas season and not just Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Thanks again, everyone.

Awww!

That’s really nice!

 

[Irishmom2]

FYI… Everything worked out fine at Christmas.

Our son and his fiancé arrived during the morning of Dec 23, went with us to Christmas Eve Candlelight service and stayed with us through Christmas morning, when they drove back home (2 hours) to go to church and then went to her family’s for Christmas dinner. While with us, they also had close friends of theirs in our city come and visit and everyone had a good time.

While with us, our son’s fiancé slept over at our next door neighbor’s home, They are close friends of ours whose adult children are all married and living elsewhere, so they were kind enough to let her sleep there. They are nice and hospitable so that worked out fine. We kidded with her that next year she won’t have to go and stay over there.

We agreed to play it by ear next year and be as flexible as possible as to what will happen next Thanksgiving and Christmas when they are married.

Note: One side benefit from your answers was that I decided to start a new tradition with my wife after Christmas where she and I will share our presents with one another during the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ period so that we will have something else to look forward to after Christmas.

This was something just for the two of us to help my wife not feel so lonely after our son leaves and to celebrate the whole Christmas season and not just Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Thanks again, everyone.

Glad it all worked out so well! I might need to steal your 12 days idea! I like that!

 

[Tommy999]

Glad it all worked out so well! I might need to steal your 12 days idea! I like that!

It wasn’t my idea – I heard it from someone who responded earlier – but you are more than welcome to try it out. I hope it works out well for you.

I liked the idea because folks don’t have to cram all the present exchanges on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and folks can enjoy the whole Christmas season as it was intended, I am surmising.