Married, confused and shameful

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ImmaculateLove

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I am married and have a beautiful daughter. I hate that I’m writing this but I really need help, advice and clarity. There’s a guy that I met when I was 12 when I was on vacation to meet my family. He is a friend of my moms. His name is “Guy”. I’m from NJ and he’s from CA. He was the first guy I ever really liked and I had really strong feelings for him. I was only in CA for 3 months so I had to go back home. Nothing happened between us and I heard nothing from him but he was always on my mind. Then I saw him again when I was 14. We got along and everything was the way that it was when I first went to visit. My feelings for him were still very strong. I was staying with family for 4 months as I got to spend more time with him. This time things got more serious. I knew without a doubt that he liked me but I was very shy. My mom was friends with his mom so I was always over. He was the one that I would cry and vent to when I got bullied and when my heart was torn over the drama happening with my family. I knew that he was the only one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I wanted to marry this man and have children with him. Then I left again. We texted each other for a week but his phone broke and I never heard from him again.
4 years pass and I hear from Guy. He’s in the military and wanted to catch up. I just started dating my first boyfriend, who is now my husband. I ignored Guy and moved on.
My husband and I have fought really hard to make our relationship work. We have always argued since we started dating and I thought that it was normal. I ended up going to counseling before I got married cause it was so bad that I would have mental breakdowns.I went to see a catholic counselor at our local church. After 4 sessions, my counselor told me that she could see major red flags with my boyfriend. After she told me that, I stopped going and continued with the decision to get married. I was saving myself for marriage so I thought that the fights were because we were both sexually frustrated. I thought that the fights were because I had major anxiety and thought it was the devil trying to separate us. A month after getting married, Guy and I start catching up and I realize that I still have such intense feeling for him. I was depressed. I knew I couldnt back out of this marriage and I would never have the chance to be with Guy again. I cried so much. I confessed to my husband about Guy. That I thought I was over him but I never really was. I hated feeling so helpless so I cut Guy off and I got myself to forget about him again. Years pass and I now have a baby. I try to fight the feelings that I feel for Guy.
I honestly feel like every person has that one guy/girl that they never get over. I don’t know what to do to get over what I feel for him. I cry occasionally over the pain and the hurt that I feel and I offer that up to Mother Mary. I cry and scream cause I don’t understand why things turned out the way that they did and my heart is weak and fragile. I hate feeling like this knowing that I’m married and have a child. I want my daughter to have a strong, catholic mother but I feel incredibly weak and confused.
 
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First, accept my sympathy for the situation in which you find yourself.

Please make an appointment with your priest. He will help you sort out your problems in keeping with Church teachings.

My own thoughts are that through your wedding vows, you obligated yourself to strive for happiness by seeking heaven for your husband. Since you voluntarily married him, I believe that your goal should be to help him to attain heaven, and to maintain a Catholic home for your daughter and any other children. A good marriage is possible if each of you learns to sacrifice for the other: it will be difficult under the circumstances, but possible.

I’ll include you and your family in my prayers, and I offer you best wishes.
 
Thank you ❤️:pray:t2: And yes I will be making an appointment with the priest as soon as possible.
 
You have to concentrate on your marriage and avoid the grass-is-greener fantasies.

What do you fight about, and what were the red flags?
 
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I don’t think you’re pining for Guy himself here. You chose not to be with him when he was available. I think you’re creating an idealized picture that contrasts with the real-life problems you deal with day to day.

This isn’t helpful. Don’t beat yourself up if a thought about Guy enters your head, but don’t harbor the thought. Just note, “Ah, a stray fantasy about The One Who Got Away. Time to think of something else.”

It also sounds like your upbringing made drama and unpleasantness seem normal to you. It’s not. You cannot change whatever bad habits your husband may have, but you can change how you respond.

Finally: How many months postpartum are you? New motherhood is rough and can send your hormones and emotions to crazy places. Have you been screened for postpartum depression or anxiety?

I wish you the best!
 
My daughter is one years old and I’ve been thinking about him like this since I first met him. It didn’t just happen after I gave birth.
 
Get more counseling. Counseling for yourself and your marriage if you and your husband still struggle.

What you pine for in “Guy” is a fantasy— the idea of your childhood, love, and what could have been. It’s an exciting fantasy because it only exists in your mind. You use it to escape what is, rather than dealing with reality.

The way to get over it is to deal in reality, not fantasy.
 
The red flags were that there were already major trust issues. He lied to me a lot and I always found out myself. There were more but I can’t remember what my counselor said
 
In all fairness, you need to commit to your husband and to your marriage. It isn’t fair to either of them that you escape by fantasizing about someone from your past. As someone pointed out earlier, you did not marry Guy when you were single. He is just your fall back plan, your escape. And if you don’t stop contact with him, this waffling will continue. You are married to your husband, give him all of your attention.

Yes, you need counseling, individual and marital. Your daughter is still young, and you and your husband can fix this if you both have that desire. Think of your daughter and do what is best for her: that she have two parents that love each other.

You do not mention mass, but if you are Catholic, I hope that you are attending as a family. May God bless you and guide you.
 
heidi_storage said:
I don’t think you’re pining for Guy himself here. You chose not to be with him when he was available. I think you’re creating an idealized picture that contrasts with the real-life problems you deal with day to day.
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Grass is greener, FOMO all of it.

Your have an idealization of Guy. No real life man can compete with fantasy man. Real men burp and scratch their backs on the doorjamb and disappoint.

You are a married lady. Stick with counseling! You will come out of it a stronger person.
 
Tell your husband you want to embrace Jesus with him, like no other guy in the world.

In order to find joy in your marriage, you must receive the bitter part of the relationship too. And remember that your husband needs to receive your own bitterness too.
 
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Scripture specifically tells us to put away bitterness, I would not advise:
Ammi said:
you must receive the bitter part of the relationship too. And remember that your husband needs to receive your own bitterness too.
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All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice.

[And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ Ephesians chapter 4
 
TheLittleLady said:
Scripture specifically tells us to put away bitterness, I would not advise:
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Ammi:
you must receive the bitter part of the relationship too. And remember that your husband needs to receive your own bitterness too.
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All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice.

[And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ Ephesians chapter 4
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I agree that bitterness should be removed. But in order to receive a spouse, you have to receive their bitterness, which causes hurt.

Strive to remove all bitterness, of course! But when a spouse does not remove all bitterness, we must accept it, as suffering.
 
This is your own personal belief, it is not part of the Church’s teachings on marriage.
 
Acknowledging someone has sin and troubles they are working to overcome is one thing, “receiving” those bad things is a whole different barrel of fish.

Yep, acknowledge that you are not yet perfect, that your spouse is not yet perfected. Then get back to the work of attaining perfection.
 
It means you dont reject a spouse because of their faults. You take their faults in forgiveness.

Not condoning or enabling, but suffering their sins.
 
Yes, in order to not judge, you must forgive. Forgiving is taking those sins upon yourself, with God’s help. Accepting the bitterness of a person.
 
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