Married couples and abstinence poll

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1inICXC

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As a married couple, what’s the longest you’ve had to abstain for health reasons or for spacing children?

One of the few couples teaching NFP in our city recently found out that a mutual friend had been cheated on because they had to abstain for 7 months after one of the births. The NFP teachers seemed to think the man was justified in this circumstance and they were pretty much advocating no abstinance for an extended period of time, ever…

It got me thinking about what kind of marriages we would be in if we would have to assume that our spouses may cheat on us if we had to undergo prolomged abstinence and hence this poll.

I know i am not accounting for the incidences where the couples fell by doing illicit sexual acts during this period, together, but as long as it wasn’t intentioanl and frequent we won’t count it 😉 for those who REGULARLY replaced the marital embrace with other sexual acts, then the option with the “infidelities” should be checked
 
1inICXC said:
As a married couple, what’s the longest you’ve had to abstain for health reasons or for spacing children?

One of the few couples teaching NFP in our city recently found out that a mutual friend had been cheated on because they had to abstain for 7 months after one of the births. The NFP teachers seemed to think the man was justified in this circumstance and they were pretty much advocating no abstinance for an extended period of time, ever…
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I wonder what they say about couples where one is permanently disabled? Does that give the other spouse a free pass?

“Sorry honey I still love you but since you were in that car accident and you can’t make love to me, I am going to find myself a gigolo.” :rolleyes:
 
None of the above.

The longest I’ve had to abstain for all at once is about 12 days, and that’s when I was using NFP and would abstain during the fertile time every month.

It didn’t cause either one of us to fall into masturbation, pornography or any other type of unfaithfulness, but it did cause problems.
 
On a few occasions, I would say a few weeks. Had absolutely nothing to do with trying to avoid a pregnancy though - it was due to health issues my dh was having.

The wording in the poll bothers me though - the “fell into porn…” choices. Nobody “falls into” those things. They, as adults, make a CONSCIOUS decision to watch porn, cheat, etc. It doesn’t just magically happen.

And I’d hazard a guess that a lot of those who just “fell into” it, would have eventually “fallen into” it regardless of how much sex they were or weren’t having.
 
I think the answer you are searching for is in 1 Corth 7. Where St. Paul warns against extended (mutually consented) abstinence if one might fall into immorality. It is something to take seriously when considering abstinence in marriage or even using NFP. If a couple is going this route, they need to heed St. Paul’s words and guard against falling into sexual sins.
 
If the longest NFP is going to make you abstain is 12 days, then that is not a big problem and is only a short period of time. Not even two weeks! I think our culture makes people feel like they need to be doing it all the time, so they have trouble when they cannot for whatever reason. They make people feel like that so they will buy birth control pills, more money for their advertisers, more money for them. $$$

I think St. Paul was talking about couples who go for months or even years of abstinence. And this does happen because there are people out there, with good intentions to follow the Catholic Church, don’t know about NFP and think you can only have sex when you want to make a baby. I’ve heard of a couple that this happened to. The husband ended up having an affair and the kids had to step in and explain things to their parents so they could save their marriage.
 
stephe1987 said:
I think St. Paul was talking about couples who go for months or even years of abstinence. And this does happen because there are people out there, with good intentions to follow the Catholic Church, don’t know about NFP and think you can only have sex when you want to make a baby. I’ve heard of a couple that this happened to. The husband ended up having an affair and the kids had to step in and explain things to their parents so they could save their marriage.
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The KIDS had to explain that to their parents? And I thought my family had some awkward conversations…

Basically, abstinence never justifies infidelity. When you marry someone it is in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, good times and bad, etc. etc. That means if on your honeymoon you get in a car wreck and your spouse is horribly disabled you are still just as bound to fidelity as if your spouse was perfectly healthy.

I think our society literally teaches people that something will shrivel up and fall off if they do not have enough sex. (It won’t!) Sex is great, but it should be the icing on the cake in a relationship, not the main course. You should build your relationship up to the point where you COULD go without sex for a long time without becoming unfaithful.

I work with oncology clinical trials and there are certainly times during chemo when getting pregnant is about the worst thing that you could do to thwart your treatment plan. While some new data shows that it is actually relatively safe for women in the 2nd and 3rd trimester to receive chemo without harming the baby, it is still not a good situation to be in. My husband and I discussed this one time (we have some strange dinner discussions) and he said he couldn’t imagine even thinking about having sex if I was going through something like cancer treatments. He felt like there are much more important things going on that would distract him from even thinking about it. Plus, abstaining would be a way he could ensure the best possible treatment outcome.
 
Interesting, the ones who struggle most are the ones who abstain less. Somehow, i’m not surprised…
 
I’ve had to wait for extended periods on two occasions.

Once, when I was stationed in Korea, my wife and I were apart for 7 months. I found out after being gone two weeks that she was pregnant. 😊

A few years later, my wife had her hip replaced, and I waited for about 2 months for her to heal, but I still had to be careful. 😊

I may be skewing the poll results. Yes, I gave into sin, but I wasn’t serious about my faith at the time. Nowadays, I’d like to believe that I would be strong and faithful, but I haven’t been tested like that in several years.

12 days a month doesn’t bother me anymore. I must be getting old. 😃
 
I certainly don’t assume that if we ever had to abstain for a long period then an affair is likely to happen. That’s just weakness and lack of commitment.

I didn’t vote because we weren’t abstaining because of health or spacing, but in the 12 years of our marriage, we’ve abstained because of deployments and other separations for about five years (obviously not consecutively:p). It’s also probably why we have seven kids because we weren’t willing to wait another month when we’ve already not been together for a year:rolleyes:
 
The longest at one time that we’ve had to abstain was for a couple of months following the birth of our second child. I had some problems having a normal recovery and our abstinence time was stretched much farther than the “normal” 6 weeks we had been planning on. For both of us, the abstinence did not seem to be incredibly difficult. Perhaps because we both knew that it was for health reasons; we were both very concerned with my recovery and didn’t have much time to think about sex.

One thing that I’ve noticed about my relationship with my husband is that the periods of abstinence felt much more difficult when we were putting off a pregnancy that we probably could have dealt with… which led to our “what the heck” baby. But in all the cases where we knew that another pregnancy would not be a good decision for us, the periods of abstinence have seemed much easier.
 
SummerSmiles said:
The longest at one time that we’ve had to abstain was for a couple of months following the birth of our second child. I had some problems having a normal recovery and our abstinence time was stretched much farther than the “normal” 6 weeks we had been planning on. For both of us, the abstinence did not seem to be incredibly difficult. Perhaps because we both knew that it was for health reasons; we were both very concerned with my recovery and didn’t have much time to think about sex.

One thing that I’ve noticed about my relationship with my husband is that the periods of abstinence felt much more difficult when we were putting off a pregnancy that we probably could have dealt with… which led to our “what the heck” baby. But in all the cases where we knew that another pregnancy would not be a good decision for us, the periods of abstinence have seemed much easier.
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That’s very similar to what we’re doing. We’re pushing 6 months now because my cycles haven’t returned yet (PCOS) and we’re not ready for another “what the heck” baby yet. DH was the first one to talk about practicing NFP more conservatively. He knew exactly what that meant while we resume treatment for my condition.

I asked him once if it bothers him. He said “I try not to think about it but I’m doing okay”. There’s really been no discernible change in behavior. He doesn’t seem out of sorts.
 
Somewhere between 8 to 10 years starting around age 30. Was difficult at first as it wasn’t communicated or consented to. Now that I am no longer all that interested either its not a big deal. In fact in many ways it is kind of a relief and our relationship is much better and we have a lot of fun together. Its like a big weight is lifted, it doesn’t feel like we are missing out. Don’t get me wrong if you can have a (moral) sexual relationship with your spouse that is great, if not, sex and the desire for it becomes like a curse and cause a lot of tension in your marriage.
 
For me it is 2 1/2 years and counting. Interestingly, it is my wife (who is the one that refuses to participate in the marital act) who “fell” into an affair.
 
I put down a couple of weeks and that we fell in to porn, masturbation, etc. We didn’t, because porn is such a no-no in our relationship. What we did do was satisfy each other in other ways, but because Catholics believe that’s wrong it didn’t seem right to skew the numbers.

I also have to wonder if other people would have chosen that option if it were available. I know that you believe its wrong, but so is porn/masturbation/infidelity.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I put down a couple of weeks and that we fell in to porn, masturbation, etc. We didn’t, because porn is such a no-no in our relationship. What we did do was satisfy each other in other ways, but because Catholics believe that’s wrong it didn’t seem right to skew the numbers.

I also have to wonder if other people would have chosen that option if it were available. I know that you believe its wrong, but so is porn/masturbation/infidelity.
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That is actually a good point because I have known of catholic couples that have fallen to such activities due to such events when they knew it was wrong. They obviously ended up in the confessional shortly thereafter, but that still doesn’t make it right due to our beliefs. It would be interesting to know what the data would show had that been an option.

Ite in pace,
Joshua
 
joshvanrad said:
That is actually a good point because I have known of catholic couples that have fallen to such activities due to such events when they knew it was wrong. They obviously ended up in the confessional shortly thereafter, but that still doesn’t make it right due to our beliefs. It would be interesting to know what the data would show had that been an option.

Ite in pace,
Joshua
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I specified in the post that if you happened to go too far a few times then not count it, but if a couple regularly engaged in other sexual pleasures to substitute for the marital act, then that would be for the infidelity option.
 
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