Married Couples- Quickies to Avoid Sin?

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VeiledVeronica said:
Longtime reader- first time poster here. Over the course of my marriage of 14 years, my husband has had problems with lust on occasion, usually during periods of high stress. He has a very stressful job and works the equivalent of two full time jobs. From the history on his phone, he was basically looking at pictures that would be similar to swimsuit or lingerie pics, but not pornographic videos as far as I can tell. Not being naïve, I can’t rule that out, but do not have evidence of it. Anyway, until last fall, he didn’t seem to get how hurtful this was to me. Well last fall was about my fourth round of discovering this activity and I after I confronted him, he went to confession, got rid of his laptop and switched from a smartphone to a flip phone, installed Covenant Eyes on the Computer, and gave me passwords to his email accounts in an effort to rebuild trust. We even have a USB internet modem that I disconnect and hide at night so that no one can get on the internet at night. I know that if he still wants to sin he will find a way, but the idea is to make it easier to be virtuous by removing some of the easy access.
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        My self esteem has taken a brutal beating. I have a good number of children with him, and I earned every stretch mark by saying yes to him and giving myself to him. To know that he (probably daily) desires to look at girls who have never had a child, let alone sacrificed the best of themselves to have his, infuriates me and makes me feel used up and discarded. To his credit, he seems to understand this now and at some level I think he hates himself for hurting me so deeply. I am trying to let go of my anger piece by piece, and trying to understand this typically male problem and have some compassion. 

    So my practical question is this: These sins usually took place in the morning when he was at work and had time to look at his phone. I know that testosterone is usually highest in the morning. Because of his job, our sleep schedules are not in sync and he usually falls asleep at night before we can be intimate. In the very early morning, though, he is quite amorous and I am usually still too tired for much after being up nursing at night. If I give him permission to have quickies with me in the early morning before he leaves for work, do you think this will help to stem some of his temptation that seems to occur most frequently in the morning? Or would this just contribute to me feeling like a means to an end? He is so tired already that I wonder if he would have any motivation to stay up and have proper lovemaking sessions with me at night if I was just a quick fix in the morning. I have always been apprehensive of quickies because they seem to be so utilitarian, but at the same time, I'd like to help my husband avoid potential mortal sins. Any suggestions from other married couples? Wives, has this helped or hurt your marriage? Husbands, have quickies helped to curb your lust, or just made it worse? 
    
     So, over and above counseling, is this something practical which would help?
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I have this problem as well. Although I have never had a child (we’re trying) I have some body image issues and have gone through years of self-hate because of constant weight gain and loss. Anyway, I found some pictures on my husbands phone of naked women, the kind that look like Victoria’s Secret models, and not only that graphic porn as well.I was so upset because I look nothing like these girls and it makes me feel like he doesn’t love the way I look and feels like he has to go elsewhere. He deleted it all but I have caught him on occaion looking at women on his computer that look like this. I also hate pornography because I feel like looking at it supports the abuse of women and a form of prostitution. I’m afraid I don’t have any good suggestions for you as I am currently basttling this situation right now. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone and have support!!
 
My husband and I do have “quickies” sometimes; I don’t feel like an object nor do I feel “used.” It’s simply a way for me to express my love to him. Perhaps I am okay with it because I am choosing to do it for him without expecting anything in “return,” and perhaps it helps to know that he views sex as a way to be closer to me emotionally, too. We don’t really discuss it beforehand or have a schedule; it sort of just happens as it happens, but it doesn’t take away from our regular lovemaking, either. In fact, I usually initiate the “quickie,” while he usually initiates the slower, more “romantic” lovemaking.

No matter who initiates, I know that I can trust him, so if I was feeling used or resentful, or if things were “off,” I would ask to stop immediately (and probably talk). And I know he would stop the second I asked him to.

I don’t know if a quickie helps at all with other temptations or not. I think for some men, it might… but for others, it would be a separate issue.

Now, if my husband was using porn on the side, it might be a different story; I might feel that he was just using me for a physical release–but that might apply to regular sex, as well. As it is, my husband makes me feel that I’m the only one he wants, and he makes me feel loved, desired, and beautiful. I want to give myself to him, and he gives to me, too. If you don’t already feel that way with your husband, a few “quickies” might backfire on your emotions and you could start to feel resentful or used.

I’d say if you’re going to try it, just use it as a way to express your love and desire for him. Don’t use it as a way to keep him from looking at other women, or to get what you want. You’d need to remember that you are CHOOSING to love him and give to him in this way–that you don’t need or want anything in return. If a side benefit is that he finds it easier to avoid temptations to look at other women, so be it–but if not, I think you’d be doing fine if you remain aware of the temptation to feel resentment if he doesn’t reciprocate or show “enough” appreciation (and these temptations can be present with any form of unconditional giving/loving, not just sex).
 
You can have quickies if you want, but don’t think that this is a solution for your husband to avoid sin. It could just as well keep him in the frame of mind to go look at things online as soon as he gets to work. Plus, it kind of puts you in the position of being responsible for his choices, and only he is responsible for that.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I have never been married, so take my advice from where it is coming.

I don’t think it is wrong for you to have a quickie once in a while if it will help your husband not look at other women. However, if the ratio isn’t at least 2 romantic evenings before sex, for every quickie, then I would no longer allow it. IE the quickies are the minority of the encounters.
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This strikes me as a pretty sensible approach.

Yes, I think early morning quickies can be very helpful. Fristly, they will help a man to remain faithful to his wife and be less tempted to look at pictures (ie a cure for concupiscence). Secondly, it can be hard to find time in the evenings when one of both spouses are tired and you’re also dealing with getting kids to bed etc, so an early morning quickie helps to keep some continuity of intimacy that might be missed otherwise.
 
Walking_Home said:
When one spouse – expects from the other – to always be available to meet sexual needs (sex of demand) – without regard/taking consideration for the spouse ---- No – that is not a sign of a healthy marriage. And it is wrong – for a spouse to get all aroused oogling others – and come home and expect to finish up with the wife.
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Does anyone here actually believe in “sex on demand”? I sure hope not.

You described this concept as one which “basically turns the wife into an object to be used as a “husbands” personal sex slave” and of course none of us view things this way—the treatment of one’s spouse as an object or as a sex slave is morally repugnant to the Catholic worldview, and most other worldviews as well.

This does not mean, then, that sex between a married couple becomes a completely optional activity like riding bikes together or going to the ballet, one which either spouse might unilaterally decide to rarely—or never partake in.

Sex ought to be denied to a spouse for valid reasons: severe fatigue, illness or other incapacity, abuse, etc. But it ought never be denied for arbitrary reasons.

And even in the case of valid reasons, the denying spouse ought to be charged with taking reasonable steps (if any exist) to avoid repeat occurrences. E.g. if severe fatigue is interfering with a couple’s sex life, then perhaps that spouse might try reducing their 2 hour daily workout, or visiting a doctor, etc.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
**Does anyone here actually believe in “sex on demand”? I sure hope not.
**
You described this concept as one which “basically turns the wife into an object to be used as a “husbands” personal sex slave” and of course none of us view things this way—the treatment of one’s spouse as an object or as a sex slave is morally repugnant to the Catholic worldview, and most other worldviews as well.

This does not mean, then, that sex between a married couple becomes a completely optional activity like riding bikes together or going to the ballet, one which either spouse might unilaterally decide to rarely—or never partake in.

Sex ought to be denied to a spouse for valid reasons: severe fatigue, illness or other incapacity, abuse, etc. But it ought never be denied for arbitrary reasons.

And even in the case of valid reasons, the denying spouse ought to be charged with taking reasonable steps (if any exist) to avoid repeat occurrences. E.g. if severe fatigue is interfering with a couple’s sex life, then perhaps that spouse might try reducing their 2 hour daily workout, or visiting a doctor, etc.
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Yes – I’ve read of such a belief in some fundamentalists sects. That a wife be available – when the husband wants.

And it doesn’t have to get to the point of “severe” fatigue. If the wife is tired – a husband should be considerate enough – to postpone – for a better time.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Does anyone here actually believe in “sex on demand”? I sure hope not.

You described this concept as one which “basically turns the wife into an object to be used as a “husbands” personal sex slave” and of course none of us view things this way—the treatment of one’s spouse as an object or as a sex slave is morally repugnant to the Catholic worldview, and most other worldviews as well.

This does not mean, then, that sex between a married couple becomes a completely optional activity like riding bikes together or going to the ballet, one which either spouse might unilaterally decide to rarely—or never partake in.

Sex ought to be denied to a spouse for valid reasons: severe fatigue, illness or other incapacity, abuse, etc. But it ought never be denied for arbitrary reasons.

And even in the case of valid reasons, the denying spouse ought to be charged with taking reasonable steps (if any exist) to avoid repeat occurrences. E.g. if severe fatigue is interfering with a couple’s sex life, then perhaps that spouse might try reducing their 2 hour daily workout, or visiting a doctor, etc.
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Coming back to the above — what looks to be lacking is concern for the spouse’s own well being/health. If the spouse is fatigued/ill/etc – the focus is on getting that spouse back to meeting the others sexual wants – and not on the actual well being of the spouse as a person.
 
VeiledVeronica said:
…In the very early morning, though, he is quite amorous and I am usually still too tired for much after being up nursing at night. If I give him permission to have quickies with me in the early morning before he leaves for work, do you think this will help to stem some of his temptation that seems to occur most frequently in the morning? Or would this just contribute to me feeling like a means to an end?
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How sex in the morning will make you feel, only you can answer… And whether it will stem his wandering use of the internet, maybe only he can assess after some time.

You choosing to “meet” your husband in the marital bed in the early morning despite being tired is intrinsically a loving thing to do. If you show openness to that, it should be because you love him; ideally, you will also want to be intimate yourself, though I appreciate your tiredness may make that difficult at that time.

It seems rather unfortunate that such an act has been interpreted as to imply your husband might be requiring “sex on demand” and you are too willing to “comply”. I read nothing that suggests his attitude warrants description in those terms, or that you see it that way. You are not offering something because it’s being demanded, but because you hope it might do good in the marriage. The man is amorous in the morning and I see no wrong in him enquiring as to your interest in being intimate. Now if he is persistent in that approach despite it obviously fitting poorly with your condition, and it obviously being difficult for you, then he is being inconsiderate.

As others have said, I hope you can schedule yourselves in a manner that allows quality time together more often than the morning interludes where one of you has to struggle. And of course, your & his readiness or otherwise for more children needs to be factored into all this too.

Presumably the nursing will come to an end in not too many months time?
 
VeiledVeronica said:
Monicad- Thank you for giving me some perspective. I guess my ego has taken enough of a beating over this that I wondered if giving him quickies would be “rewarding” his bad behavior, or if it would be below my dignity. I guess it is very humbling to make love to someone knowing that they think all of these other women are prettier than me. Objectively, they are, but I am his and he chose me, so he should be happy with me.
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This is not about you. If he was using cocaine, you would not stress out about how cocaine was better than you. Porn is like cocaine. It rewires the brain, and causes the daily need for a dopamine fix, which can only be the porn. Unless you want your husband to become addicted to YOU (a very bad idea), it will be helpful not to see this as a competition.

I think healing will come in your relationship as you both realize that this is a choice between life and death, for your husband, and you both fight on the same team for his survival. You’re not his mother, there to reward or penalize his behavior. You’re his wife, and you’re there to hold him up and maintain him as he rejects unchastity.
 
Thank you for all of the advice.

ProdigalSon- It sounds so logical when you say it that way. Honestly, I was so angry with him up until about a month ago that I couldn’t really think logically about this. I’ve been praying and offering communions for our marriage since last fall, hoping that God would help to soften my heart towards him. In the last month I have started to feel less anger and more pity. I have thought about how I love God- I say I love Him, but on many occasions I do not put Him first. I do not know what it is like to have such strong temptations against chastity ( I have a high sex drive but never feel tempted by men other than my husband). However, I know what it is like to keep coming back to confession with the same laundry list of sins- detraction, lack of patience etc. So, I’m starting to feel more compassion for my husband. I want to satisfy his needs, but this hunger that he has and has fed with the wrong things may not even be something I can satisfy. Perhaps he is searching for something that only God can satisfy.

Anyway, the anger I was feeling has turned into fear for his soul, and that has motivated me to try to find a way to help him while keeping my self-esteem intact.
 
I think it would help your husband to pray the rosary and discipline himself a little regarding lust.

I don’t know what you mean by “quickie” but proper martial intercourse involves the intention of renewing martial vows and finishing inside the woman.
 
VeiledVeronica said:
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    So my practical question is this: ...  Husbands, have quickies helped to curb your lust, or just made it worse?
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Let me just respond to this practical question. The answer is a resounding YES.

And, I do mean that and I do understand the question. Yes quickies (and non-quickies) have helped sometimes to curb my lust. Yes, quickies (and non-quickies) have just made it worse.

Sometimes it is a positive - avoiding lust ways that is - sometimes it hurts. I have never been able to figure out when it will be one and when the other.

I know that doesn’t help; but it is the brutally honest answer to that practical question (both for me and at least for most others I know well enough to have discussion on this topic.
 
CuriousInIL said:
Let me just respond to this practical question. The answer is a resounding YES.

And, I do mean that and I do understand the question. Yes quickies (and non-quickies) have helped sometimes to curb my lust. Yes, quickies (and non-quickies) have just made it worse.

Sometimes it is a positive - avoiding lust ways that is - sometimes it hurts. I have never been able to figure out when it will be one and when the other.

I know that doesn’t help; but it is the brutally honest answer to that practical question (both for me and at least for most others I know well enough to have discussion on this topic.
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I’d say primarily it either helps or is neutral.
 
Husband here. Be aware that sex with a man addicted to pornography can cause him to desire porn more via a chaser effect. Having sex will probably not cure lustful thoughts or behavior and could make them worse: personal experience.

Example:

nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?5219-Chaser-effect-what-and-why

I get over lustful thoughts most easily when my wife is happy or joyful. Anything I do to contribute to that joy also helps.
 
Your husband as all of humanity is suffering from concupiscence, as the Church explains it, it is the leaning or proclevity to sensual pleasure, it can also involve anger when it can’t get what it wants. Your charity, love for your husband, and efforts to satisfy this leaning will in itself not give you the results that you desire, to aliviate his biological drives and stem his problems. As long as he is healthy and functions as a male, he will always have these urges towards the sensual. Even St.Padre Pio stated that concupiscence rears its ugly head throughout his life. It’s due to our fallen nature. One has to discipline himself to remain chaste, that doesn’t mean he can’t have sex, it means he must sanctify the sex act by loving and considering the needs of the partner, and being loving in abstaining from the act if the partner is tired, or ill etc. WE poor humans can always think the grass is greener on the other side, eg. My wife is not as pretty as another, or as sexy etc. This is an illusion that many fall into. If you or your husband don’t have a sincere spiritual life with God, then your are missing the opportunity for the grace you will need in your present situation. NO human was made to fully captivate another, we were made for God first, then for each other, and we can’t make our partner or our children our gods Your husband and you if necessary, and only you know have to get serious about your relationship with God. You can’t fight Satan’s tactic in his efforts to destroy your marriage without the redeeming power of Jesus Christ, and that’s the reality of our Catholic Faith, and it’s not an illusion. Happy marriages just don’t happen, they are blessed by God, but He must come first.
 
Are we all using the same definition of “quickie”? I personally can’t see anything wrong with my definition of a quickie and I certainly have never felt “used” after one. Sometimes, life is so busy that we both fall into bed exhausted at the end of the night. Morning “quickies” are always nice if we can fit one in before the baby wakes up and we need to get into the shower. Presuming one is using the word the same way I am, I would have to question why someone would feel “used” after this.
 
Allegra said:
Are we all using the same definition of “quickie”? I personally can’t see anything wrong with my definition of a quickie and I certainly have never felt “used” after one. Sometimes, life is so busy that we both fall into bed exhausted at the end of the night. Morning “quickies” are always nice if we can fit one in before the baby wakes up and we need to get into the shower. Presuming one is using the word the same way I am, I would have to question why someone would feel “used” after this.
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The implication is that the “quickie” is absent love. That could only be a reflection on the broader relationship I think, not the fact of the compressed duration of the act.
 
Rau said:
The implication is that the “quickie” is absent love. That could only be a reflection on the broader relationship I think, not the fact of the compressed duration of the act.
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Well then the solution is simple. Do it with love.
 
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