Married in the eyes of the church?

[kellygirl]

My H and I are both Catholics…however, were were married by a justice of the peace in 1989 without the permission of the church. a year ago, my H tells me that he can no longer handle the marriage, kids, bills, home etc…too much pressure for him and he is “unhappy”. He moved out the next day…I found out two months later he was actually living with another woman. Of course I was devestated, but I believed in my vows so fully that I have been in constant prayer for an entire year for my H.

My question is this, since we were not married in the eyes of the church, as well as my H abandoninig his family to live with another woman, will I someday be able to marry in the church should our marriage end in divorce? This has been the most heart wrentching situation I have ever been through in my entire life, and as twisted as this sounds, I still love my husband very deeply and I still have a shred of hope that he will face his transgressions, seek forgivness and come back to his family. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Please help

 

[urbana]

Others can fill in the complete details, with relevant citations, but I can at least provide the basic answer.

Since you were Catholic when you married, and married without the permission of the Church in a non-Catholic ceremony, your marriage was almost certainly invalid due to lack of form. The Church does not consider you married, and even if you two reconcile, unless you have your marriage convalidated by the Church (ceremony to regularize an invalid legal marriage), you should not consider yourself married. At the same time, you are in a sort of limbo; while you almost definitely are not validly married, any time a putative marriage exists, you cannot consider yourself single, until the Catholic Church issues a decree of nullity (an annulment). Annulments for defect of form (such as Catholics marrying in a non-Catholic ceremony without permission) are supposedly vary easy to obtain as the case is very clear cut. I am not an expert on this, but as far as I know, you will likely only need to fill out some simple paperwork, obtain a recent copy of your sacramental record from the parish where you were baptised, and a copy of your marriage license.

So, basically you have three options in order to live in accord with church teachings:

1. If the two of you reconcile, you would need to have your marriage convalidated before you live as husband and wife.
2. Divorce, and remain single and chaste.
3. Divorce, seek a decree of nullity (which would likely be easy to obtain due to lack of form), and then either remain single or marry as you feel called.

 

[1ke]

My question is this, since we were not married in the eyes of the church, as well as my H abandoninig his family to live with another woman, will I someday be able to marry in the church should our marriage end in divorce?

You have what is called a lack of form. So, you can have your marriage examined by the Church and receive a decree of nullity.

Your husband’s adultery is not, by itself, grounds for a decree of nullity.

You need to go talk to a priest.

, I still love my husband very deeply and I still have a shred of hope that he will face his transgressions, seek forgivness and come back to his family. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

If he does return to you, that would be wonderful. But, you would still be in an invalid marriage. I am not sure I understand why you married outside the church and why you have never sought to correct that situation by having your marriage convalidated. How are you raising your kids? As Catholics? Are you attending Mass?

There are many issues here, and your husband’s affair is only one of them.

Go talk to a priest.

 

[puzzleannie]

God bless you we will be praying for you and family. Sounds like your attitude is the right one. Just for clarification, since you are both Catholic yet married outside the Church, should the worst happen, you can’t reconcile and must divorce to protect your rights and those of your children, you would not need a full annulment investigation because the marriage is invalid due to lack of form, and that is a rather less complex paperwork process. I hope you are seeing your priest now for guidance and help. Your diocesan family life office or Catholic Charities may also offer retreats and other help for people in your situation. As you are not now living with your husband, you can also go to confession and receive communion again. Returning to the sacraments will bring you the grace and strength you need in your life now.

 

[kellygirl]

I am not sure I understand why you married outside the church and why you have never sought to correct that situation by having your marriage convalidated. How are you raising your kids? As Catholics? Are you attending Mass? Go talk to a priest.

I got pregnant before marriage which totally devestated me. I had planned on being a virgin until marriage (I was 23) but obviously was no. I was so ashamed about being pregnant, and felt that I didn’t have the right to marry in the church, but I knew I had to marry. I have always been against abortion so that was never an option. My H didn’t really care to marry in the church anyhow. For years I carried the shame with me until I went back to church. I now realize that God forgives and he is not ashamed of me. This is why I never attempted to convalidate my marriage. I am raising our 3 sons as Catholics and I now attend mass regularly. I am actutally attending a 3 day retreat next weekend and I am so excited about it. I have also spoken at length to our Priest. I just want to do the right thing…

 

[1ke]

I got pregnant before marriage which totally devestated me. I had planned on being a virgin until marriage (I was 23) but obviously was no. I was so ashamed about being pregnant, and felt that I didn’t have the right to marry in the church, but I knew I had to marry. I have always been against abortion so that was never an option. My H didn’t really care to marry in the church anyhow. For years I carried the shame with me until I went back to church. I now realize that God forgives and he is not ashamed of me. This is why I never attempted to convalidate my marriage. I am raising our 3 sons as Catholics and I now attend mass regularly. I am actutally attending a 3 day retreat next weekend and I am so excited about it. I have also spoken at length to our Priest. I just want to do the right thing…

I am sorry that you stayed away from church for so long, but very glad you are back.

The retreat will do you good.

I hope your husband comes to his senses.

 

[otjm]

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

There are not necessarily good answers; there may be some that are better than others, but all a fraught with issues.

You have a legal right to his financial assistance to you and the children. There may be issues of custody and child support, potentially spousal support depending on the circumstances, and issues of property division and debt. Taking legal action to protect yourself and the children may make it difficult or impossible to reconcile. Failing to take action may make the next 15 or 20 years seriously difficult.

There are also very deep issues of trust and how that is to be healed and returned should he decide to stay with the famiily and drop the doxie. There are physical issues, such as venereal disease that need to be confronted (now, not after he comes crawling back and you both tumble into bed in some sort of quasi-patching it up sexual congress). There are issues of debt incurred, much of which you may not be aware. And that is only to name a few of the issues you confront.

No matter what you do ultimately, you need to do two things; you need a counselor (this type of breach of trust makes most people somewhat crazy) to keep you from going off half-cocked because of the emotional and other pressures. Note I said a counselor; that does not mean that you should not talk with your priest, but most priests are not qualified as counselors.

The other thing you need to do is see an attorney right away and find out what your rights are, and what liabilites you may incur by not doing anything. And for heaven’s sake, don’t find a general practitioner or one who does not do divorce work; find one who does divorce work as the majority of their practice. It is like going to a family physician for a heart problem; that doesn’t work real well either.

You have decisions to make, and you need to make them with clear, consistent and correct advice, and with the assistance of someone who has their head on their shoulders and your best interests at heart. That means not going to your friends, or your family for advice. You can get support from them, but advice - don’t go there. They are not trained to give you correct advice. If you are having pains in the shoulders and chest, you don’t go to your best friend or family member; you go to a doctor.

 

[Marian_Carroll]

**As this is the Liturgy & Sacraments Forum, the question in this thread is:

My question is this, since we were not married in the eyes of the church, as well as my H abandoninig his family to live with another woman, will I someday be able to marry in the church should our marriage end in divorce?

The OP may wish to seek support and advice on other matters in the Family Life Forum.**
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