Married legally, but not in church. Now what?

[Melina83]

I’m sure this question has been asked before, but nothing jumped out at me in my (perhaps too brief) search, so I’ll post it here. I apologize if this isn’t in the correct place and I especially apologize for the long-winded nature of this post.

I married my husband by civil ceremony about 5 years ago. He was previously VERY devout, growing up in a large, rock-solid Catholic family. He was such a strong believer that he nearly joined the priesthood. But when his parents suddenly divorced, seemingly without warning, after 20 some odd years of marriage, it was a huge blow to his faith. Since then, he’s only been Catholic in name and not in practice.

I was raised in a very anti-religious environment. I was taught that religions were a form of social control and nothing should come between an individual and God. But after meeting my husband and hearing him speak with such respect and longing about his religion, things started to change in me. Without realizing it, he taught me so much about Catholicism and corrected so many of my misunderstandings.

For the past year I’ve been pondering the idea of becoming Catholic. We’ve started reading the bible together and having a lot of conversations about Catholicism, and I’ve recently decided to take the plunge and begin RCIA.

Now the conundrum. We’re married, but only legally. We live together as husband and wife. We were never married in the church. What now? RCIA can be a long process. Are we supposed to separate during this period? I absolutely couldn’t bear that, and won’t do it. He’s the reason that this search for religion started. What’s more, he told me the other day, with tears in his eyes “If this process of your conversion can bring even me back to believing, I would be eternally grateful.”

What is the nature of our relationship now? How does this work? Are we supposed to abstain for over a year? He used to be very pious and devout, but again, his faith was all but obliterated by his parent’s divorce. I’m not sure that the idea of drastically changing the dynamic of our relationship would work. I’m not only referring to sexual relations, but how can we begin to live a Catholic-centered life together and grow in faith together while we’re not officially married?

Advice appreciated!

 

[EasterJoy]

Go to your pastor. He can tell you about having your marriage convalidated: that is, officially recognized by the Church. If neither of you have been married before you married each other, this isn’t a long or difficult process, but a straightforward one involving a small amount of paperwork and what can be a very short and sweet ceremony that will not involve any building rentals.

If one of you had been married before, it will have to be ascertained whether any of the previous marriages are valid, because the Church will of course not marry you to each other if in the eyes of the Church one of you is already married before God (even if not in the Catholic Church). The process of verifying that any previous attempts at marriage were null will add some time and possibly some expense on to the process.

Just tell him all about it, though, and your priest can explain what needs to happen.

 

[jdoggin]

Ya ask the pastor at your parish, definitely. Since your husband is Catholic, even if he isn’t practicing now, you can be married in the Church. I’m pretty sure. So see if you can get something going. I was going to say to abstain from the Eucharist until then… but… you haven’t finished RCIA yet. Lol

 

[Melina83]

Go to your pastor. He can tell you about having your marriage convalidated: that is, officially recognized by the Church.

Hmm. Never heard of this. My MIL told me that she thought that even though I wasn’t yet fully Catholic, we could still marry in the church. The thing is, we really want to have a full Catholic wedding, but RCIA is such a long process.

It would be awesome if something like what you mentioned was available to us, with the understanding that we could still have a traditional ceremony when the whole process is complete. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. lol

Neither of us have been married before.

 

[RoseMary131]

Hmm. Never heard of this. My MIL told me that she thought that even though I wasn’t yet fully Catholic, we could still marry in the church. The thing is, we really want to have a full Catholic wedding, but RCIA is such a long process.

It would be awesome if something like what you mentioned was available to us, with the understanding that we could still have a traditional ceremony when the whole process is complete. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. lol

Neither of us have been married before.

If this is a first marriage for both of you, the process is fairly simple.

You both entered this marriage as a first marriage.

You were married civilly.

You husband is a non-practicing Catholic.

For you husband to come back into the Church he needs to go to confession. He needs to have the desire to once again practice the Faith…attending Mass, etc.

To be “married in the Church” - known as convalidation - he needs to contact the priest where you two are attending Mass.

The priest will lead you in what steps need to take place to have your marriage convalidated. He can also get you started in RCIA.

There is no need for you to have completed RCIA and be entered into the Church for you two to have your marriage convalidated. A Catholic and a non-Catholic can marry “in the Church”.

Blessings to you both.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hmm. Never heard of this. My MIL told me that she thought that even though I wasn’t yet fully Catholic, we could still marry in the church. The thing is, we really want to have a full Catholic wedding, but RCIA is such a long process.

It would be awesome if something like what you mentioned was available to us, with the understanding that we could still have a traditional ceremony when the whole process is complete. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. lol

Neither of us have been married before.

Catholics can get dispensations to marry non-baptized persons. It is usually very straight-forward, especially for a convalidation. Your husband will need to get his baptismal records, but if he doesn’t have that he can get a copy after the fact from the church where he was baptized.

If I am not mistaken, they normally do not offer the option of a nuptial Mass when a Catholic marries an unbaptized person, but have a simple ceremony, instead…which is actually much like the wedding ceremonies that non-Catholics have. But yes, you go through the same vows as if you were coming to be married without having been to a justice of the peace for a civil ceremony.

Probably you’ll want to get this done sooner rather than later, though, and won’t want the big hoopla reserve-the-church-rent-the-hall kind of wedding. The typical convalidation is a simple ceremony, with the couple having a simple celebration afterwards, maybe having their families and some close friends over for dinner at their home or at a restaurant. But yes, it can be done quite soon, if neither of you have ever married before.

 

[Melina83]

For you husband to come back into the Church he needs to go to confession. He needs to have the desire to once again practice the Faith…attending Mass, etc.

Just a clarification. I think the only thing preventing him from going to confession is that he has no sincere desire to stop living as husband and wife with me in the meantime between now and convalidation/marriage. I’m not sure what the appropriate word for this is, but he feels it’s incorrect to confess something you have no desire to change.

What should we be doing in the meantime regarding the dynamic of our relationship? Thanks for all of the advice everyone! Sorry to keep posting follow up questions. This all might seem like a no-brainer to some, but my mind isn’t yet accustomed to anything even remotely religious.

 

[Melina83]

Probably you’ll want to get this done sooner rather than later, though, and won’t want the big hoopla reserve-the-church-rent-the-hall kind of wedding.

And that’s the other problem. We want (and always intended to have, at some point) the “hoopla” and all of that (though not in the church since I originally made it clear to him I wanted nothing to do with religion.) If we go through the seemingly simple convalidation process, I guess we wouldn’t be able to have a traditional ceremony.

Also, with a baptized man marrying a non baptized woman, am I correct to assume that there is no real “sacrament” of marriage? Again, forgive my ignorance. The concept of a sacrament is very unfamiliar to me, though I expect to learn all about it with RCIA. Sounds pretty amazing! We kind of want the whole 9 yards I guess.

This is all so foreign to me. I never expected these things to matter to me, and I’m still kind of shocked to hear them come out of my mouth (or see them typed on a screen, as it were.) Pretty amazing though.

 

[EasterJoy]

And that’s the other problem. We want (and always intended to have, at some point) the “hoopla” and all of that (though not in the church since I originally made it clear to him I wanted nothing to do with religion.) If we go through the seemingly simple convalidation process, I guess we wouldn’t be able to have a traditional ceremony.

Also, with a baptized man marrying a non baptized woman, am I correct to assume that there is no real “sacrament” of marriage? Again, forgive my ignorance. The concept of a sacrament is very unfamiliar to me, though I expect to learn all about it with RCIA. Sounds pretty amazing! We kind of want the whole 9 yards I guess.

This is all so foreign to me. I never expected these things to matter to me, and I’m still kind of shocked to hear them come out of my mouth (or see them typed on a screen, as it were.) Pretty amazing though.

In the Church’s mind, the traditional ceremony is in the words and having the priest or deacon and witnesses, not the flowers and the dresses and all of that. That’s neither here nor there, from the perspective of the Church. There isn’t some “scarlet letter” rule that says you can’t have the cake and flowers and little girls in long dresses for a convalidation, though. It is just that couples who have already been living as Mr. and Mrs. for five or ten years usually have something a bit less elaborate. Talk to your pastor, he’ll explain all about this process from the Church’s perspective. Then talk to your families about the “hoopla” end, because that is another thing altogether.

Catholic weddings typically aren’t done anywhere except a church or oratory, though. Exceptions can sometimes be made, but that requires a good reason.

 

[mommamaree]

I have done all three:
got married by a Justice of the Peace at 19,
then had a (sham) wedding for the sake of my family at 22 (still officiated by a Lutheran priest who was also a judge (and JP) and who was aware this was no real wedding),
then had a real (but really simple) convalidation ceremony almost three years ago when my husband and I joined the Catholic Church.
(I had been baptized Catholic as a baby because my bio-father was Catholic, but my step-dad later adopted me and they forbid me seeing my bio-dad anymore, so I never knew about my Catholic heritage. That was why my marriage was found not valid when my husband and I tried to join the Catholic Church)

So, I did the legal thing. I did the big white dress and huge expensive reception thing. And I did the real, sacramental thing. Guess which one I remember with the greatest joy? Yup, the simple convalidation ceremony.

To the OP:
If you want to have an elaborate wedding with the beautiful dress and the nuptial mass and the joyful reception, then go for it. Ask the priest how to initiate the process for such preparations and follow his instructions. I have a feeling he will be delighted to guide you through this process. And if a big wedding is what you really want, you will need all that time in your RCIA to make arrangements for the wedding anyway. It takes about 6 months at least, but normally more like a year of preparation, to get ready for such a celebration.
I say go for it! You obviously are joyful about entering the Church, as well as rightly concerned about the validity of your current marriage. Let your enthusiasm buoy you up as you go through the process. Once I realized how many things I had done wrong, sometimes out of ignorance and sometimes out of rebellion, I was so happy and thankful for the support of my priest and deacon who walked me through the process step-by-step, and eventually, our whole family (husband and me and our children) became Catholic.

 

[SonCatcher]

And that’s the other problem. We want (and always intended to have, at some point) the “hoopla” and all of that (though not in the church since I originally made it clear to him I wanted nothing to do with religion.) If we go through the seemingly simple convalidation process, I guess we wouldn’t be able to have a traditional ceremony.

Also, with a baptized man marrying a non baptized woman, am I correct to assume that there is no real “sacrament” of marriage? Again, forgive my ignorance. The concept of a sacrament is very unfamiliar to me, though I expect to learn all about it with RCIA. Sounds pretty amazing! We kind of want the whole 9 yards I guess.

This is all so foreign to me. I never expected these things to matter to me, and I’m still kind of shocked to hear them come out of my mouth (or see them typed on a screen, as it were.) Pretty amazing though.

You would be allowed as much “hoopla” as you want for the convalidation. Most couples keep it simple because they already did the hoopla and are somewhat embarassed about repeating the process (some even recruit devout aquaintances to be their witnesses so their prior life in an invalid marriage would not become common knowledge).

The main reason marriage to a non-Catholic should not be in Mass is because we are celebrating the union of the man and woman. By celebrating the Eucharist at the same time, it presents a conflicting situation where only one spouse is also in Communion with Christ. The difference between the ceremonies does not have to be great. You can still have readings from the Bible and the priest can deliver a homily/message.

If your marriage is convalidated before your baptism, it will automatically be elevated to the Sacramental level with your baptism (so you don’t have to worry about missing the Sacrament). This has the benefit that you receive the graces of the Sacrament of Matrimony earlier than if you get baptized first and then convalidate. :yup:

 

[Usige]

One thing that the priest might bring up is education about Catholic marriage. Marriage in the Church has obligations and the priest will want you to fully understand and agree to those (life long union, openness to children, no birth control, etc).

As for the sacramentaliy (?) if you are not baptised then the convalidation would put you in a valid natural marriage. This would allow your husband to return to the sacraments and still allow you both to live as husband and wife. Once you are baptised your marriage becomes sacramental immediately upon your baptism. In essence you would receive 4 sacraments on the Easter vigil (baptism, matrimony, confirmation, and Eucharist).

 

[RoseMary131]

Just a clarification. I think the only thing preventing him from going to confession is that he has no sincere desire to stop living as husband and wife with me in the meantime between now and convalidation/marriage. I’m not sure what the appropriate word for this is, but he feels it’s incorrect to confess something you have no desire to change.

What should we be doing in the meantime regarding the dynamic of our relationship? Thanks for all of the advice everyone! Sorry to keep posting follow up questions. This all might seem like a no-brainer to some, but my mind isn’t yet accustomed to anything even remotely religious.

This is why it is important to begin with a visit with the priest. The priest can answer questions and explain the reasons the Church teaches as She does.

Even when two practicing Catholics prepare for Matrimony, they begin with the Marriage Preparation program through their parish and diocese.

Before the Church confers a Sacrament, any Sacrament, there is a time of preparation. So the person is in full understanding of what they are receiving. (In case of Infant Baptism, it is the parents who are prepared for full understanding.)

Your husband is correct that one can never properly confess in the Sacrament of Reconciliation something to which they are unrepentive and do not plan to stop committing.

You are referring to the fact that your husband plans to continue having sexual relations with you as his wife since you are in a civil marriage. I think the priest would be the best person to discuss this with you and your husband - not in the confessional.

God is filling your heart with a desire for something wonderful - to be in full communion with His Church: Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Matrimony. It is a little like God filling your heart with a desire to play a beautiful recital on the piano. The first step is to meet with your piano instructor. Then comes learning how to position your fingers and how to read music. You trust your piano teacher and know that it takes time. The same with God’s Church. The best place to begin is with the priest.

This is probably a bit more than you are looking for today, but maybe it will help.

diocesephoenix.org/uploads/docs/CovenantofLovewithPromLetter.pdf

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

Hmm. Never heard of this. My MIL told me that she thought that even though I wasn’t yet fully Catholic, we could still marry in the church. The thing is, we really want to have a full Catholic wedding, but RCIA is such a long process.

The convalidation would come before your baptism or reception into the Church. We don’t normally baptize someone who is in an invalid marriage so that is taken care of first.

And that’s the other problem. We want (and always intended to have, at some point) the “hoopla” and all of that (though not in the church since I originally made it clear to him I wanted nothing to do with religion.) If we go through the seemingly simple convalidation process, I guess we wouldn’t be able to have a traditional ceremony.

But you could plan a big reception to celebrate if that’s what you want. It could be as fancy as you’d like it to be with all the clothing, food, cake, and whatever else you’d like.

Also, with a baptized man marrying a non baptized woman, am I correct to assume that there is no real “sacrament” of marriage? Again, forgive my ignorance. The concept of a sacrament is very unfamiliar to me, though I expect to learn all about it with RCIA. Sounds pretty amazing! We kind of want the whole 9 yards I guess.

That’s correct. A marriage can be either a natural marriage or a sacramental marriage. For the marriage to be sacramental, both parties must be baptized.

But here’s the very cool part. You’ll convalidate your marriage and have a valid natural marriage with your husband. At the point when you are baptized, your marriage automatically becomes a sacramental marriage as well.

 

[Melina83]

Thanks all,

We have some decisions to make, but does anyone have a suggestion regarding what we should be doing in the meantime regarding living together as husband/wife? I suppose that was the real meat of the question and I got sidetracked by visions of pretty dresses.

I want us to start to grow in faith together, pray together, continue going to mass together, but again, even if it only takes a few weeks to sort out the convalidation thing (not saying it will, just an example) I still have to worry about those few weeks of living together “in sin.” (I hate saying that, btw)

 

[pablope]

And that’s the other problem. We want (and always intended to have, at some point) the “hoopla” and all of that (though not in the church since I originally made it clear to him I wanted nothing to do with religion.) If we go through the seemingly simple convalidation process, I guess we wouldn’t be able to have a traditional ceremony.

Also, with a baptized man marrying a non baptized woman, am I correct to assume that there is no real “sacrament” of marriage? Again, forgive my ignorance. The concept of a sacrament is very unfamiliar to me, though I expect to learn all about it with RCIA. Sounds pretty amazing! We kind of want the whole 9 yards I guess.

This is all so foreign to me. I never expected these things to matter to me, and I’m still kind of shocked to hear them come out of my mouth (or see them typed on a screen, as it were.) Pretty amazing though.

Here is my suggestion…have the simple convalidation…you are married in the Church.

At the end of the RCIA process, you can have a renewal of vows…or at your wedding anniversary after you are received in the Church (baptized, confirmed et al)…you can have the hoopla celebration.

The point of having the convalidation is to have the blessings of the Church in the immediate time…in the eyes of God. And in this way, you husband can go to confession and start receiving the Eucharist once again.

 

[SonCatcher]

Thanks all,

We have some decisions to make, but does anyone have a suggestion regarding what we should be doing in the meantime regarding living together as husband/wife? I suppose that was the real meat of the question and I got sidetracked by visions of pretty dresses.

I want us to start to grow in faith together, pray together, continue going to mass together, but again, even if it only takes a few weeks to sort out the convalidation thing (not saying it will, just an example) I still have to worry about those few weeks of living together “in sin.” (I hate saying that, btw)

The usual advice is to live together “as brother and sister” until the convalidation is complete. This is one of very few situations where I think it appropriate to “shop around.” If your parish priest says it will take months, feel free to ask other priests if they could accomodate you more quickly.

The intervening time can be one where you resort to more conversation about your plans for your family and other things that develop your relationship without getting physical (it’s like being engaged again - or “finally being engaged” depending on how your first engagement went).

 

[mommamaree]

Thanks all,

We have some decisions to make, but does anyone have a suggestion regarding what we should be doing in the meantime regarding living together as husband/wife? I suppose that was the real meat of the question and I got sidetracked by visions of pretty dresses.

I want us to start to grow in faith together, pray together, continue going to mass together, but again, even if it only takes a few weeks to sort out the convalidation thing (not saying it will, just an example) I still have to worry about those few weeks of living together “in sin.” (I hate saying that, btw)

Our priest did the Sacrament of Reconciliation just prior to the Sacrament of Matrimony (convalidation). This is how he did it for everyone in our parish. He is well known for getting Catholics hitched properly in our diocese. His particular talent for helping couples navigate this thorny issue with grace and compassion resulted in far more convalidations than people would have thought possible. Since confession was just before convalidation, there was no problem with this issue of living as husband and wife post-confession prior to convalidation. His focus was on getting us into a state of grace as quickly as possible. He met with us personally and regularly in preparation for both sacraments. I sincerely hope your priest will be similarly encouraging and helpful. But as other posters have said, the size of the ceremony and reception is totally up to you!

 

[grace68]

Thanks all,

We have some decisions to make, but does anyone have a suggestion regarding what we should be doing in the meantime regarding living together as husband/wife? I suppose that was the real meat of the question and I got sidetracked by visions of pretty dresses.

I want us to start to grow in faith together, pray together, continue going to mass together, but again, even if it only takes a few weeks to sort out the convalidation thing (not saying it will, just an example) I still have to worry about those few weeks of living together “in sin.” (I hate saying that, btw)

I would take this to prayer. You can pray together as a couple to ask God to help you to abstain from sexual relations until your marriage is convalidated. IEcharisitic adoration would be a great place to pray in the presence of our Lord, if there is an adoration chapel near by. This is also something you can talk to your parish priest about. I will be praying for you and your husband. May God bless you both.

Kerri

 

[RoseMary131]

Thanks all,

We have some decisions to make, but does anyone have a suggestion regarding what we should be doing in the meantime regarding living together as husband/wife? I suppose that was the real meat of the question and I got sidetracked by visions of pretty dresses.

I want us to start to grow in faith together, pray together, continue going to mass together, but again, even if it only takes a few weeks to sort out the convalidation thing (not saying it will, just an example) I still have to worry about those few weeks of living together “in sin.” (I hate saying that, btw)

I think you are already starting to grow in faith together.

If you are not already praying together - today is a good day to start - a simple prayer - “God bless us and help us grow in your love.”

Mass is most likely offered every day at your local parish. If today is not a good day to attend a daily Mass - check the time for Mass this Sunday or the Vigil Mass on Saturday. Mark it on your calendar to attend Mass this Sunday together! If you are already attending, make sure you go every Sunday together. Introduce yourselves to the priest after Mass.

Ask God to fill your heart with a burning desire for Him and His Church. Trust in Jesus.

God bless you both