Married life!

[bunnynessuk]

I have been reading a book with my fiance in planning for our wedding - it talks about faith, finances, children etc and is quite enjoyable but it posed a very interesting question about family life - basically the premise is that the experiences you had in your own family (good & bad) follow you through your own married life eg if your parents had huge blowout over small things you as an individual are more likely to be like this in your relationship or if your parents spent most of there time living seperate lives you to would expect this in your marriage.

Me and h2b experience different upbringings - his parents are social butterflys and like to go out often they also have parties and like to havea full calendar - they row generally when drunk and they believe in mum-only parenting and the basic housewife premise, his mom didnt work did all the cooking & cleaning and neither h2b nor his dad did any of these chores, his dads reaction to any argument was to leave the room and cool of most of the time with pentup frustration resulting in a huge argument and quite abusive yelling - I have noticed that h2b is very reluctant to argue and most likely will go for a drive (which i dont like) or go for a walk.

My parents however argue rarely but my mom does yell a lot over small things which become huge (ege h2bs creased shirt!) this then becomes a big deal with all the family trying to calm her down and defuse the drama - i desperatley dont want to be like this!

Anyhow aside from the LONG post my basic question is do you feel that you expected your married life to be similar to your parents OR maybe found that although you didnt want to you do react similarly to your parents you do.

Just a wonderment!

 

[newbetx]

I have been reading a book with my fiance in planning for our wedding - it talks about faith, finances, children etc and is quite enjoyable but it posed a very interesting question about family life - basically the premise is that the experiences you had in your own family (good & bad) follow you through your own married life eg if your parents had huge blowout over small things you as an individual are more likely to be like this in your relationship or if your parents spent most of there time living seperate lives you to would expect this in your marriage.

Me and h2b experience different upbringings - his parents are social butterflys and like to go out often they also have parties and like to havea full calendar - they row generally when drunk and they believe in mum-only parenting and the basic housewife premise, his mom didnt work did all the cooking & cleaning and neither h2b nor his dad did any of these chores, his dads reaction to any argument was to leave the room and cool of most of the time with pentup frustration resulting in a huge argument and quite abusive yelling - I have noticed that h2b is very reluctant to argue and most likely will go for a drive (which i dont like) or go for a walk.

My parents however argue rarely but my mom does yell a lot over small things which become huge (ege h2bs creased shirt!) this then becomes a big deal with all the family trying to calm her down and defuse the drama - i desperatley dont want to be like this!

Anyhow aside from the LONG post my basic question is do you feel that you expected your married life to be similar to your parents OR maybe found that although you didnt want to you do react similarly to your parents you do.

Just a wonderment!

Hmmm. I am like my father and DW like her mother, but neither of us have the “bad” part of marriages that our parents have. I really think things would have been better for them had they all received some sort of counselling. Her parents mantra seems to be “offer it up” (and shut up, KWIM?) My parents split when I was 25. We can all get in bad habits during a marriage and many may have derived from our parents behavior. It’s up to us to keep from going down those paths by working on the marriage and understanding what is expected going into it.

Are we doomed to the same fate as our parents? Only if we let it happen. Recognize issues early, and as hard as it might be, talk your way through them. Are you willing to die for your spouse? And he for you? Yes, it’s that serious. If you are, you’ll get through it just fine. But don’t think there won’t be speed bumps along the way.

Peace!

Peace.

 

[1ke]

I think family of origin often plays an unconscious role in expectations and then also in the way you react to situations.

For example, in my family we always opened gifts on Christmas morning and had a sort of ritual in how we went about it. Each person would open gifts one at a time-- for example, I’d give the gift I brought to my sister and she’d open it and show it off… then mom would give a gift to my brother and he’d open it, etc… we took time to really appreciate each gift.

DH’s family opens gifts on Christmas Eve and they all tear into everything at once and then just cast it all aside. It’s weird and honestly not enjoyable for me. Since we live near DH’s family and not my family for the last 4 years I’ve been sort of sad at Xmas not having my own family traditions anymore.

So, I think the book is right in a lot of ways-- all of these family of origin differences in beliefs, practices, traditions, habits, and patterns do come out in unexpected ways and at unexpected times.

 

[bunnynessuk]

1ke! Your christmas gift-opening is like mine we all do it one at a time at my h2bs house they dont even wrap gifts???

Christmas will be the strange thing for me I guess I hadnt even thought about it - my family have lots of little rituals eg on christmas eve my mom and I dress the table after church, we go out for tea on christmas eve after this, present opening happens at 7ish till about 830 then family breakfast followed by big tidy before guests! Wow hadnt even thought about how it would change at christmas?!!!

Me and h2b got some discussions to have !

I think that in my house my mom wears the pants and although both my parents cook (but neither clean/iron - we have a cleaner) my moms word goes, me n h2b havent even discussed if we will have a cleaner?

I think that these books help though - it means we can disuss things now rather than be shocked when we actually move in together!

J

 

[BlestOne]

Yes you carry your ideas about marriage from your experiences. Your closest experience comes from seeing how your own family operates. When you get married, your dh brings his experiences with him too. The best way to change the things you don’t like is to communicate your wants, dreams, fears, ideas with each other. If you don’t want to do things like your parents or his parents did, it will take work, communication and sometimes negotiation.

When dh and I were engaged, we also had our experience from our first marriages to get past as well. There were things he did that drove me crazy, but often talking about your expectations will help. For example, I view my bath time as sacred alone time, but dh’s ex wife made him sit in the bathroom while she showered… no matter whether he had other things to do or not. So, the first time I showered and he came into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and talked to me, I was not only freaked out, I was annoyed! I wanted to be alone to think about whatever I wanted to and I didn’t want to feel like I had to maintain a conversation with anyone. I asked him why he joined me and why he talked to me when I was showering. I gently told him that I enjoy being alone with my own thoughts during that time… he never joined me again unless I asked him to come in so I could talk to him without children around…

The traditions surrounding Christmas were a major negotiation for us. His family always served sausage, cheese and crackers in the living room on Christmas eve, while my family always had a formal dinner with seafood and an extra plate for the Christ child at the table. We had to decide which tradition we were going to follow… he didn’t want to change and neither did I… but finally we traded off what we knew for what would work for our family…

As far as chores, discipline, finances, children, etc… those MUST be talked about before marriage. You have to have an idea of how the household will run BEFORE you say I do…

 

[Serap]

Just to give you another outlook, I came from a terrible upbringing…verbal and physical abuse all over the place.

Am I like my mother? No, I’m not, but that’s because I have made a very congnisant choice to change my internal programming from childhood. I also didn’t meet my DH until I was 30 and got married at 35. I think being older made a HUGE difference also.

If you are aware and make a conscious effort to change any learned behaviours from your parents, you will be successful and become a better person for it.

 

[BlestOne]

Just to give you another outlook, I came from a terrible upbringing…verbal and physical abuse all over the place.

Am I like my mother? No, I’m not, but that’s because I have made a very congnisant choice to change my internal programming from childhood. I also didn’t meet my DH until I was 30 and got married at 35. I think being older made a HUGE difference also.

If you are aware and make a conscious effort to change any learned behaviours from your parents, you will be successful and become a better person for it.

Exactly!!! There is hope! I came from an abusive home yet I learned not to beat my kids…

 

[kevinsgirl]

Yes you carry your ideas about marriage from your experiences. Your closest experience comes from seeing how your own family operates. When you get married, your dh brings his experiences with him too. **The best way to change the things you don’t like is to communicate your wants, dreams, fears, ideas with each other. If you don’t want to do things like your parents or his parents did, it will take work, communication and sometimes negotiation. **

When dh and I were engaged, we also had our experience from our first marriages to get past as well. There were things he did that drove me crazy, but often talking about your expectations will help. For example, I view my bath time as sacred alone time, but dh’s ex wife made him sit in the bathroom while she showered… no matter whether he had other things to do or not. So, the first time I showered and he came into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and talked to me, I was not only freaked out, I was annoyed! I wanted to be alone to think about whatever I wanted to and I didn’t want to feel like I had to maintain a conversation with anyone. I asked him why he joined me and why he talked to me when I was showering. I gently told him that I enjoy being alone with my own thoughts during that time… he never joined me again unless I asked him to come in so I could talk to him without children around…

BlestOne is right that communication is key.

On a side note–it’s nice to know that I’m not the only person who considers their shower time sacred thinking time!

Just to give you another outlook, I came from a terrible upbringing…verbal and physical abuse all over the place.

Am I like my mother? No, I’m not, but that’s because I have made a very congnisant choice to change my internal programming from childhood. I also didn’t meet my DH until I was 30 and got married at 35. I think being older made a HUGE difference also.

If you are aware and make a conscious effort to change any learned behaviours from your parents, you will be successful and become a better person for it.

Ditto this! I’m not like my mother, but I do have catch myself sometimes and make a conscious decision to not react the way she would. Married life gives you the opportunity to make improvements on the way you were brought up!

 

[BlestOne]

BlestOne is right that communication is key.

On a side note–it’s nice to know that I’m not the only person who considers their shower time sacred thinking time!

OMGosh… I have “rules” for the perfect bubble bath… I think I will start a new thread in family about it…

 

[Tinajo]

I have been reading a book with my fiance in planning for our wedding - it talks about faith, finances, children etc and is quite enjoyable but it posed a very interesting question about family life - basically the premise is that the experiences you had in your own family (good & bad) follow you through your own married life eg if your parents had huge blowout over small things you as an individual are more likely to be like this in your relationship or if your parents spent most of there time living seperate lives you to would expect this in your marriage.

Anyhow aside from the LONG post my basic question is do you feel that you expected your married life to be similar to your parents OR maybe found that although you didnt want to you do react similarly to your parents you do.

I haven’t read the rest of the replies, so apologies if I’m duplicating, but all the advice we received when preparing for marriage had the emphasis on sharing expectations rather than saying you’re doomed to repeat your parents’ mistakes.

One of the most worthwhile things my husband and I did prior to our wedding (it was sent to us prior to our Engaged Encounter weekend) was each fill out a sheet with a list of topics. For each topic we had to say which of our parents (or both) had been responsible for that area, and what we would expect in our own marriage.

We did that completely separately and then sat and talked about our experiences at home and our expectations. We discussed tons of stuff and came to compromises that are still working 6 months in, and I know some of them would have been serious issues (like spending money) if we hadn’t discussed them beforehand.

Best of luck with the preparation and congratulations!

 

[ecp007]

Traditions and expectations do follow you to some extent, simply because since things were always done a certain way, you may take it for granted and not really realize there is a different way to do things.

But, you are not doomed to repeat history that you don’t care for. You have a choice to change.

One thing we never talked about was household chores. My MIL is a great housewife, so dh was used to having a spotless house, with food on the table at 6, without him having to do anything. By contrast, my parent’s house was always a mess, and if anyone did any cleaning up it was my father. I had never learned how to cook or clean and neither had my husband. We both wanted a clean house, but had a hard time working out exactly who would do what. In the end, we hired a maid.

DH grew up poor, so he was very attached to material things, and became very, very upset if something got ruined. By contrast, I grew up wealthy, so I really don’t value material possessions. If something breaks, I figure I can always buy another one, I value relationship much more. So, I would never get upset at my kids if they break something by accident. In this my husband has tended to follow my lead but we had to discuss values,at first dh thought I was just careless /wasteful & I thought he was materialistic/punitive.

I guess the lesson is that events take on emotional significance which if unexplored can lead to misunderstandings. A broken dinner plate to my husband took him back to a place where he was poor, lacking basic necessities and all these feelings of insecurity. To me a broken plate was one less thing to wash. If I didn’t take the time to understand why my husband was so upset, it would have led to many more arguments. Once I understood him, I was able to be more sensitive to his need to feel secure, and I was able to explain to him that these are just things, and not critical to our happiness.

 

[savienu]

I think this is true to a certain extent, and I know DH has seen how we mimic my parents when he witnessed a fight of their’s. However, I don’t think it’s unavoidable. I think being aware of these relationship patterns make them easier to break away from. Ultimately, prayer will do the most good for both you and your dh2b.

As far as the “getting in a car or leaving the room during a fight thing,” my DH does this too, and it frustrates me to no end. However, I’ve been praying about it lately and I’ve been trying to use that time productively myself to calm down and process things, which is what I know he is using the time for as well.

Have you and dh2b talked about all this stuff, especially about the “Men don’t do chores thing?” Because I’ll tell you, that would be the one thing to drive me the MOST nuts. Even a housewife isn’t the only one living in the house, and there is no reason the husband can’t chip in here and there, even if the majority of the housework falls to her.