Married man cheated with me. Do I tell his wife?

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cherryblossom11

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Hi guys. Looking for guidance. Please don’t judge me. Here goes…

I was in a 2-year long affair. I only recently found out he is still married. I want to tell his wife. No, I don’t want revenge. I just feel it is the right thing to do, but what is the Catholic thing to do?

From what he tells me, they’ve had a rocky marriage. It ended about 5 years ago after they had their second child (they thought having another baby would fix the marriage). They haven’t filed for divorce or annulment because they need to keep up pretenses for his in-laws who are devout Catholics that don’t believe in divorce/annulment and are very much involved in their parish. They’ve also been together since they were 18 (they are both 36 now, I am 29). He married her at 22 when she got pregnant, so they have to keep up their image as a pillar in the community - a happy, model married couple that doesn’t give up on their marriage. He also said he’s doing all of this for his kids because their first child didn’t handle it well when they first separated so he doesn’t know what to do.

Regardless of the reasons he gave me, I can tell she is still very much in love with him. She also prides herself on her marriage and having a complete family. I don’t know if I can forgive myself if I don’t tell her, but I also don’t want to be responsible for causing her pain and turning her world upside down.

Is telling her the Catholic thing to do? Or is it more Catholic to just let her be happy and leave it all to God?
 
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Why do you think is your place to tell her at all?
Now you care about her?

If you are Catholic, maybe you should just go to confession instead of worrying about his wife. You have already involved yourself enough. I think you need to just leave them alone and let them work things out without you being involved.
 
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Now you care about her?
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Please don’t start with that. I asked to not be judged. I didn’t even know she existed until two days ago.
If you are Catholic, maybe you should just go to confession instead of worrying about his wife. You have already involved yourself enough.
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What do I need to go to confession for when I didn’t know? I don’t mean to be snarky, I just don’t know what I have to confess.

I also didn’t involve myself. At least not intentionally. Please re-read my post.
 
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Thank you. To clarify, their marriage ended 5 years ago, not that they have been having problems for 5 years. At least according to him.

Also we weren’t having sex. I know that’s hard to believe.

I’ve already cut ties with him and haven’t talked to him since I found out two days ago.
 
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Do not tell his wife. All you would do is hurt her. Talk to a priest.
 
It was a relationship. We were together in every sense of the word, other than sex. I call it an emotional affair now that I found out about his marital status. Two days ago it was a regular, long-term relationship headed for marriage. We even talked about getting married, having kids, where we want to live, etc.
 
cherryblossom11 said:
It was a relationship. We were together in every sense of the word, other than sex. I call it an emotional affair now that I found out about his marital status. Two days ago it was a regular, long-term relationship headed for marriage. We even talked about getting married, having kids, where we want to live, etc.
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This.

You were in a relationship with a dishonest and phony man that was cheating on his wife and making plans with you. And you didn’t know this for 2 years.
 
cherryblossom11 said:
I don’t know if I can forgive myself if I don’t tell her
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Do you mean forgive yourself for the relationship, or forgive yourself for keeping the secret?

Is his wife in your community or your circle of friends? What I’m getting at is, to keep the secret, would you have to lie to her or to others, or only cut ties and keep quiet?
 
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What purpose would your telling her serve other than to do what you claim you don’t want to do?

Leave that to him.

Leave him.
 
EVERY man who cheats on his wife tells the other woman that he and his wife are not having sex.
 
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I posted it in response to LumineDiei asking if it was an emotional affair.

Yes I didn’t know for two years.
 
Cherryblossom says that she herself was not having sex with the man; she was not making any comment on the man’s sexual relations with his wife.
 
cherryblossom11 said:
It was a relationship. We were together in every sense of the word, other than sex. I call it an emotional affair now that I found out about his marital status. Two days ago it was a regular, long-term relationship headed for marriage. We even talked about getting married, having kids, where we want to live, etc.
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It sounds like he played you for a fool. I wouldn’t go calling it an affair because that does imply a sexual relationship. I’m very sorry this happened to you but the best advice is probably to get on with your life and forget this guy. Even more so because he did such a nasty thing to you.
 
Also…cheated does definitely imply that sex is involved. At least in terms of the common use of the word.
 
Do you mean forgive yourself for the relationship, or forgive yourself for keeping the secret?
Is his wife in your community or your circle of friends? What I’m getting at is, to keep the secret, would you have to lie to her or to others, or only cut ties and keep quiet?
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For keeping the secret. I can forgive myself for the relationship because I don’t think I did anything wrong and I ended it right when I found out. But I don’t know how to forgive myself knowing that someone is unknowingly living a lie in the same way I was for two years.

We are not in the same community or circle of friends, but I can foresee having to lie to her or others if I don’t come out with it now.
 
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