Married man cheated with me. Do I tell his wife?

  • Thread starter Thread starter cherryblossom11
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
AdamP88 said:
It sounds like he played you for a fool. I wouldn’t go calling it an affair because that does imply a sexual relationship. I’m very sorry this happened to you but the best advice is probably to get on with your life and forget this guy. Even more so because he did such a nasty thing to you.
Click to expand...
Thanks. I call it an affair because honestly I don’t know what else to call it. Also I just feel like I’m doing something wrong by not telling her. How do I completely let go and move on while this is eating at my conscience? Is that selfish and un-Catholic of me?
 
Last edited:
Your heart was ripped out. Why would you want hers to be? No matter what you were told she may have thought she had a loving marriage. He lied to you both.
 
Mi_Rose said:
Your heart was ripped out. Why would you want hers to be? No matter what you were told she may have thought she had a loving marriage. He lied to you both.
Click to expand...
So I just move on knowing he’s still lying to her? Is it more Catholic to let her live a lie? I promise I’m not trying to be difficult or insistent on my POV. I’m really just very lost.
 
Go talk to your priest and do what he says, not what you think, or what anyone here thinks.
 
If I was her I’d want to know and chances are he will do it again, in fact you may not have been the only woman he was cheating with.

The only thing is that she may not believe you if you do tell her. I likely wouldn’t believe a complete stranger telling me that my spouse was cheating on me.
 
Last edited:
Elf01 said:
I’m actually thinking you should tell her.

If I was her I’d want to know and chances are he will do it again, in fact you may not have been the only woman he was cheating with.
Click to expand...
It is not her place to tell the wife. That is between the wife and the husband. Often, priests will counsel cheaters not to tell their spouse, and this is not a spouse.

She needs to speak to her priest.
 
The thing here is that it is their marriage. How they choose to live it is none of your business.
Maybe she knows he is close with other women maybe she suspects and being confronted will make her feel forced to do something she doesn’t want to do.
He is the one responsible here. You bear no burden of responsibility.
 
That’s her husbands fault, not the OP’s. I’d rather know and feel bad for a while than not know and have him still potentially cheating if I were her.
 
I am truly sorry that you were led on by this man. From what I read you were in a non sexual relationship with a man whom you thought to be divorced. Turns out he wasn’t, now to ease your own mind you want to tell the wife of the affair.
cherryblossom11 said:
So I just move on knowing he’s still lying to her?
Click to expand...
Yes and no. You don’t just move on, pray, pray, and pray some more for the both of them. I understand the concern for his wife but really from what I read so far it seems to be more about your need to right this wrong and less about these folks marriage.
Your revelation of this emotional affair could very well be the catalyst for some amazing change in their lives or it could be the exact opposite. You or I simply do not know. Therefore I would recommended you speak to your priest about the situation for some spiritual direction.

Side note: The internet is Notorious for its inability to convey tone. I would like to stress that my reply is in all charity and not intended to condescending or judgmental in anyway.
 
If she already knows then extra details wouldn’t cause her to do anything drastic.

I suppose I’m thinking of me though. I’d be relieved to have my suspicions confirmed.
 
Last edited:
The internet is not a good place to get information about an issue like this. Talk to a priest.
 
The details are not necessary, but if she suspects but cannot confirm she may rather have the suspicion confirmed that there was somebody else, but every person is different. I’d rather know, especially if I already suspected something.

I also think there is a high probability that he will have a physical affair soon, if he’s not already, in which case she’s risking getting a STD.
 
cherryblossom11 said:
So I just move on knowing he’s still lying to her? Is it more Catholic to let her live a lie? I promise I’m not trying to be difficult or insistent on my POV. I’m really just very lost.
Click to expand...
It is understandable that you feel lost. Only two days ago, your relationship with him seemed so true, loving, and hopeful, and now all of that has been torn away from you. I can hardly imagine such a personal catastrophe.

I am not a counselor, and I haven’t experienced anything like that, but still I would counsel you to take time to grieve, recover, and eventually live again. Do not rush into anything or make any hasty decisions, and this includes telling his wife.

One reason to not tell – but first let me assure you of my impartiality and charity in telling you this – is that you don’t know the full story. Primarily, you know what he has told you. He has lied to you in the past, and even now that he is coming out with the truth, it may be colored with half-truths and untruths.

He says their marriage is over, loveless, just a show put on for the children’s benefit. Could he be lying? Could he be saying that to make you feel better, to make himself feel better, or perhaps with the hope of maintaining a relationship with you?

Perhaps he is sincere, but even so, there is reason to believe his assessment of their marriage could be wrong. It seems obvious to me, as a man married for 25+ years, that he does not understand marriage or what it means to be a married man. He has made a mess of his life, but there is still a chance he will straighten out his life, and there is still a chance that their marriage will improve.

This is a bad situation for everyone, but there is reason for hope. I think you should focus on your own healing, and let him work out his issues.

Also – and this is very important – trust his wife to work things out from her end. She doesn’t need you to save her. She is an adult, she knows him, she can take care of herself and her family.

That, and pray. I am praying for you, for him, for her, for the children. O Lord, assist and guide us in this trial, and help us to find peace, faith, hope, and love.
 
Last edited:
Please ponder these questions and statements. It seems there are some contradictions in your post which is why I offer these;
cherryblossom11 said:
Regardless of the reasons he gave me, I can tell she is still very much in love with him. She also prides herself on her marriage and having a complete family.
Click to expand...
How do you know these things about a woman you didn’t know existed two days ago?
cherryblossom11 said:
I don’t know if I can forgive myself if I don’t tell her, but I also don’t want to be responsible for causing her pain and turning her world upside down.
Click to expand...
If you are concerned that you can’t forgive yourself, why do you feel your have nothing to confess? If they have been separated for five years like he told you, how would telling her turn her world upside down?
cherryblossom11 said:
It ended about 5 years ago after they had their second child (they thought having another baby would fix the marriage).
Click to expand...
Two days ago you found out they were still married. That means it has not ended.
cherryblossom11 said:
so they have to keep up their image as a pillar in the community - a happy, model married couple that doesn’t give up on their marriage.
Click to expand...
How are they keeping up this image if they are living apart? If they are not living apart how did he keep it concealed from you for two years?
 
MchaelPatrick said:
How do you know these things about a woman you didn’t know existed two days ago?
Click to expand...
This is what I am confused about as well. How do you know she is still in love with him, if you didn’t know he was married two days ago? How did you find out he is married?

Regardless, it is absolutely not your place to say anything.
 
Who is going to benefit by you spilling the beans to his wife?

Stay clear. Dont get involved. Walk away
 
cherryblossom11 said:
So I just move on knowing he’s still lying to her? Is it more Catholic to let her live a lie? I promise I’m not trying to be difficult or insistent on my POV. I’m really just very lost.
Click to expand...
When priests counsel the cheating partner not to tell the spouse, don’t you think that would also apply to the person they were having an affair with? You can tell yourself that you’d be doing it for her but isn’t it really all about getting back at him?
 
OP, you didn’t have an affair, because you haven’t been sleeping with him. You had an emotional investment, and I’m sorry for your pain.
There’s no reason to tell his wife, because what would you tell her? That you spent time with her husband and have been discussing marriage? She doubtless already knows he’s dishonest; you would be giving her no new information.
This happened to me: my previous husband had an emotional affair with a friend. I don’t think ill of her, as I don’t know what lies he told her. I left him for other reasons, and I never think about that girl at all.
Please talk to a priest and get on with your life. Maybe look up your next date on social media to see if they have a double life.
God bless.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top