Married man cheated with me. Do I tell his wife?

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OP, I am sorry that this has happened to you. If you were to look at my history, you would see that I always tell the involved spouse to tell the injured spouse about the affair. I base this on a great deal of research I did while recovering from my husband’s affair. This is the advice of experts in affair recovery and (when you look at their research and conclusions), you will see that this is solid advice.

However, this is not the case for you. You are neither the injured nor involved spouse. This man grossly led you on and lied to you for 2 years. In reality, there is nothing that he has ever told you that you should trust - NOTHING.

You said that you have cut all ties with him - good. It has been recommended that you go to confession. You sound conflicted about this as you don’t believe that you did anything wrong, yet you are concerned about forgiving yourself. If you are comfortable with face-to-face confession, this might be the time to schedule an appointment. The priest can guide you in how and what to confess in this unusual circumstance.

As for his wife - leave her alone. Remember that I always tell the involved spouse to tell the injured spouse. You have no business in telling her. The best way you can help her is to pray and to not gossip. You can talk to your friends and family who will wonder why you are no longer with him. You don’t have to lie, but you could try to minimize the details to only what is necessary to help you heal. If she does find out someday, that will not be your fault.
 
If you didn’t know he was married for two years, I can’t see how you could possibly still believe you were “with him in every sense”. He had a whole other life he was keeping from you. Truly, the best thing to do is cut contact with him. Do not go after his wife.
 
cherryblossom11 said:
Is telling her the Catholic thing to do? Or is it more Catholic to just let her be happy and leave it all to God?
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It is absolutely NOT your place to tell her. If you did you would simply be looking to cause trouble. That could end any chance of the marriage being saved and the man turning his life around.
Stay out of it.
 
cherryblossom11 said:
Is telling her the Catholic thing to do? Or is it more Catholic to just let her be happy and leave it all to God?
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I am fascinated by this perspective, and would love to discuss it further if you are of a mind to do so. Never would I have thought to phrase these questions as you have, using “Catholic” and “more Catholic” (whatever that phrase means to you; are there degrees of Catholic responses to moral dilemmas?).

Do you define “right” and “wrong” in terms of Catholic teachings? An earlier quote
cherryblossom11 said:
I just feel it is the right thing to do, but what is the Catholic thing to do?
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suggests that you draw a distinction.
 
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My mother in her youth could not forgive the betrayal of her husband(my father) and made him leave, and remained alone.
I know that in some Protestant communities there is a rule to report sins to the pastor, and then the pastor publicly denounces the sinner at all the meeting.
It seems to me that this practice still leads to secret sins. Men and women simply resolve this issue alone with God and do not want a public shame on the family, and indeed - why destroy someone’s family?
I think the wisdom is not to say anything to his wife.
 
Bad idea. No good can come from doing this. She is likely to interpret it the wrong way.
 
cherryblossom11 said:
They haven’t filed for divorce or annulment because they need to keep up pretenses for his in-laws who are devout Catholics that don’t believe in divorce/annulment and are very much involved in their parish.
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This alone tells me you knew more than you are admitting. Dating a man who isn’t divorced and annulled is wrong and as a Catholic you should know it.

As far as telling the wife - the last thing she needs to hear is your story. From now on whatever goes on with their life is none of your business.
 
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For the Catholic thing to do, I’d speak to your priest.
Speaking for myself, it does sound like you want to get some revenge.

From what you describe, it might shatter what remains of their marriage, or at least the wife’s illusion of it and her standing in the community. It’s disingenuous to pretend you are her friend and doing her a favor.
 
Was your relationship over the internet? Are you and he in the same country?

i really dont believe his tale of how they are staying together for the reasons he gave.

I cant see how you could spend any significant time in the flesh with a family man.

yes see your priest and get rid of those dating apps
 
Another here who is wondering if they ever met in person. If it was all over the internet, there is no way to know that you were not “catfished” by someone posing as this man in order to ruin his marriage.
 
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