Married member's of CAF, who comes second?

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We all know God comes first, but in your life, who comes second? Is it your spouse, kids, the church? Just looking for everyone’s personal view. Thanks.
 
I’m going to set god and church aside, for obvious reasons. But, I firmly believe that your spouse should come before your kids.
 
I consider God and Church to be linked, so I could say both of those come first. My spouse comes second, and our children after her.
 
It depends entirely on the situation. Typically my spouse comes first, but if other needs are more pressing they take priority.
 
I don’t have children, so obviously my spouse. I’m sorry but I think your kids should come before your spouse, when you have them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, your spouse can. If it comes down to feed the baby or pay attention to a whiny grown man, I will be feeding the baby. 🤷
 
My husband isn’t a whiny grown man, so that might make a difference.

But if he comes home after a hard day, or has something really weighing on him, or just needs to talk and cuddle, then I would have no problem sending my kids outside to play. Even if they really wanted attention right then, I’m going to take care of my husband, and the kids can get their time later. Besides, when parents take care of each other and put the time and effort in to keep romance alive, they are better parents to their kids.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I don’t have children, so obviously my spouse. I’m sorry but I think your kids should come before your spouse, when you have them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, your spouse can. If it comes down to feed the baby or pay attention to a whiny grown man, I will be feeding the baby. 🤷
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Well, it depends on what you mean by putting someone “first.” Obviously, if my baby and spouse are hungry, I feed the baby; that said, I think it’s important to keep the marital bond strong by giving time, love, and intimacy to one’s spouse. A good marriage is to the child’s advantage, too!
 
J-O-Y …Jesus first, Others, then yourself. Others would be my immediate family (wife and child with no order just whatever the immediate needs are), then all those around me - other family, friends, coworkers, strangers, anyone in need. It is one way my life has changed for the better and I have felt true happiness!
 
I would identify ‘family’ as second after God. I do believe that ideally ‘spouse’ should be the perfect response to that question though.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I don’t have children, so obviously my spouse. I’m sorry but I think your kids should come before your spouse, when you have them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, your spouse can. If it comes down to feed the baby or pay attention to a whiny grown man, I will be feeding the baby. 🤷
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I think maybe there is a difference in being responsible and giving certain priorities to your spouse so everyone else will benefit for it. The reason why God is the priority is because if you put God first everyone else is going to benefit from that. To me the concept of priority is what do i do first so everyone can benefit for it and in which order can be done so things can be productive. On the same line if you give priority to your marriage so your kids can benefit from living in a happy environment that is good. But giving priority to your husband doesn’t mean you are going to neglect your responsibilities as a parent. If you leave a baby starving just to feed a grown human who has two hands and two feet and can feed himself, that is just plain irresponsibility. To me that isn’t a priority because the grown human can do things by himself, that is babysitting an adult and is detrimental for me and for everyone else. Creating a schedule in which kids can play right after hubby comes home so the parents can have some time is a way of organizing life in which kids can get a benefit (kids need to play and no one is neglecting them as they will get their time when they finish playing) and the marriage gets a benefit. To me is more of a way of organizing things to do to make life effective for everyone without being irresponsible which is completely doable. There is no need to be irresponsible and if the person is indeed irresponsible that person doesnt know what a priority is. And I think that the people here that say their marriage is a priority are referring exactly to this organization of life in which kids get the benefit from putting time into the marriage.

Probably the words my husband comes first are not the best to use as unfortunately there are many people who do neglect their children just to babysit an adult man or to be in a bad relationship. That is plain wrong but I don’t think anyone here means they are neglecting the kids. Maybe we should rephrase it as giving the priority to the marriage for the benefit of the family so it doesn’t sound so harsh.
 
Depends. I have a husband, three kids (one grown), four dogs, a parrot, a tortoise, and a cat.They all depend on me to take care of them to one degree or another. I work on a priority basis. Emergencies first, then the needs of the most helpless, then everyone else.
 
We don’t have children yet, but definitely spouse (Church and God are inextricably linked).

I firmly believe that the greatest gift you can give your children is the love for your spouse and a healthy marriage. So in prioritizing my husband’s needs over my children’s needs, I will be actually benefiting my children, too 👍
 
marymary1975 said:
I think maybe there is a difference in being responsible and giving certain priorities to your spouse so everyone else will benefit for it. The reason why God is the priority is because if you put God first everyone else is going to benefit from that. To me the concept of priority is what do i do first so everyone can benefit for it and in which order can be done so things can be productive. On the same line if you give priority to your marriage so your kids can benefit from living in a happy environment that is good. But giving priority to your husband doesn’t mean you are going to neglect your responsibilities as a parent. If you leave a baby starving just to feed a grown human who has two hands and two feet and can feed himself, that is just plain irresponsibility. To me that isn’t a priority because the grown human can do things by himself, that is babysitting an adult and is detrimental for me and for everyone else. Creating a schedule in which kids can play right after hubby comes home so the parents can have some time is a way of organizing life in which kids can get a benefit (kids need to play and no one is neglecting them as they will get their time when they finish playing) and the marriage gets a benefit. To me is more of a way of organizing things to do to make life effective for everyone without being irresponsible which is completely doable. There is no need to be irresponsible and if the person is indeed irresponsible that person doesnt know what a priority is. And I think that the people here that say their marriage is a priority are referring exactly to this organization of life in which kids get the benefit from putting time into the marriage.

Probably the words my husband comes first are not the best to use as unfortunately there are many people who do neglect their children just to babysit an adult man or to be in a bad relationship. That is plain wrong but I don’t think anyone here means they are neglecting the kids. Maybe we should rephrase it as giving the priority to the marriage for the benefit of the family so it doesn’t sound so harsh.
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I think they way your rephrased makes much more sense to me. And I can agree with that, instead of making it seem as though your spouse comes first with no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. 🙂
 

  1. abstract123 said:
    We all know God comes first, but in your life, who comes second? Is it your spouse, kids, the church? Just looking for everyone’s personal view. Thanks.
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    I don’t think one can split up their immediate family in that who is first etc. Like one poster said if you have a crying hungry baby and a hungry spouse, you are going to feed the baby because the baby can’t feed themselves as opposed to an adult that can. Family relationships are much more complex than a simple statement of who is more important or what needs are going to be met “first”. Spouses working together met the needs of their children and it’s not a matter of who is more important or first. Different children likewise have different needs and abilities and again, one can’t split hairs over, is the oldest 2nd after spouse or the 2nd 3rd etc. When one does have children, they do take time, energy and effort and that doesn’t mean the other spouse is taking 2nd place. The family unit can’t be split into single units of who is first or more important and it fluxes and the family grows and changes with and over time.
 
I don’t think most people prioritize their efforts in taking care of their family by person. Most people prioritize by the level of importance and urgency of each individual circumstance. If your husband needs to vent about his bad day, you aren’t going to automatically drop everything unless the particular things you were doing were less urgent or less important than your husband’s bad day. If you are in the middle of bathing a toddler, you aren’t going to leave them in the tub to fix your husband a drink just because he is your husband and he comes first. By the same token, you aren’t going to refuse to go out on your husband’s birthday because the same toddler wants you to read “Big Bird Goes to School” on that night. It isn’t the person, but the situation that determines its priority.
 
Totally depends on the situation.

When we were first married, my wife vowed to me that any children we might have would never come between us.

:rotfl:
 
robwar said:


  1. I don’t think one can split up their immediate family in that who is first etc. Like one poster said if you have a crying hungry baby and a hungry spouse, you are going to feed the baby because the baby can’t feed themselves as opposed to an adult that can. Family relationships are much more complex than a simple statement of who is more important or what needs are going to be met “first”. Spouses working together met the needs of their children and it’s not a matter of who is more important or first. Different children likewise have different needs and abilities and again, one can’t split hairs over, is the oldest 2nd after spouse or the 2nd 3rd etc. When one does have children, they do take time, energy and effort and that doesn’t mean the other spouse is taking 2nd place. The family unit can’t be split into single units of who is first or more important and it fluxes and the family grows and changes with and over time.
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  1. 👍
 
MJJean said:
Depends. I have a husband, three kids (one grown), four dogs, a parrot, a tortoise, and a cat.They all depend on me to take care of them to one degree or another. I work on a priority basis. Emergencies first, then the needs of the most helpless, then everyone else.
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I’d have to agree with MJJean on this. Good question, though.
 
One of the things that a few priests I respect and couples who I think have wonderful marriages and kids have told me was that after God, your spouse comes second and then your children. I remember the first time I heard this, that confused me. How can you put your spouse before your children? What this priest friend told me was that when you put your spouse first in a healthy fashion (not in a selfish one), the love and affection you have for your spouse should automatically spread to your children. If you have a healthy and loving relationship, the children will benefit from this. They will feel the love you have for each other and thus for them because you are physically and spiritually open to spread that love around to everyone else.

When the relationship is unhealthy and sour, whether it’s because the couple are more into selfishly pleasing themselves (in which the children will suffer automatically because the couple does not have much affection or love for them anyway) or because they just didn’t put any work in making their relationship truly loving and unselfish, thus a breakdown of the marriage, then the children suffer. No matter how much you love your children, they will see and feel the breakdown of the family unit and suffer for it.
 
Exactly. My parents vowed to put their children first when they married (including my two brothers from each of their previous marriages), and they divorced after 13 years. I’ve seen “children before spouse” create unnecessary conflict that caused the children to suffer. As a child, I would have preferred for my parents to have always considered each other’s needs before my own.

ETA: By “put your spouse first” I mean spiritually. A man and wife become one flesh, and children should not interfere with that relationship.
 
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