Married member's of CAF, who comes second?

[Stillsosola]

my children come first ahead of my spouse yes my spouse is my better half but my children are my priority my reasons for waking up in the morning if something happened to them I would lose my will to live my husband I love but just not as much as them they are the best part of me.

 

[adrift]

God first

Husband second

Together with your husband you put the children first.

 

[agapewolf]

I consider God and Church to be linked, so I could say both of those come first. My spouse comes second, and our children after her.

I disagree, depending on what you define as church.

Some people link the two up which then gives them permission to go into frenetic activism and being a part of many different ministries and groups at church, to the neglect of their family.

It’s God, then spouse, then children.

That does NOT mean proportional direct attention. You honor your spouse by taking care of your children. You honor God by taking care of your family. It’s not one against the other.

 

[mommamaree]

God
Spouse
Kids
Parish and greater community

 

[TSB4]

I read somewhere that the order goes
God
Spouse
Then children.

Imagine my surprise as to why my house seemed to be out of order. We had been putting our children’s needs before our marriage.

 

[polishprincess]

I don’t have children, so obviously my spouse. I’m sorry but I think your kids should come before your spouse, when you have them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, your spouse can. If it comes down to feed the baby or pay attention to a whiny grown man, I will be feeding the baby.

I agree! Your children 1st and hubby 2nd

 

[Used2beSherryG]

from where I am in life, I can definitely say that first comes God, then my spouse and then all the kids. However, my spouse and I both care for our children in every way that it is needed through all the years of raising them. We kept a closeness between us this way and did right by all the kids as needed. Now, those kids are all grown and gone, have families of their own. We love to see them when they come to visit, and we love it when they go back home, too! Our marriage is until death do us part and we both have that understanding. Over time, each kid has taken a stab at dividing us to get their way on something or other. It’s human nature, I guess. We are happy as we get older and so are the kids now grown. They learned a lot from how to treat their own spouses by watching us. We helped them all when they were helpless and put them first in their time of need, but overall we each knew that God is the center of our life and then each other.

 

[RoseMary131]

We all know God comes first, but in your life, who comes second? Is it your spouse, kids, the church? Just looking for everyone’s personal view. Thanks.

This will depend on how you are asking the question.

Do you mean: Which of these relationship do you place the most **value **in your life?

Do you mean: Which relationship do you place the most effort, time, or energy on in your life?

Do you mean: How do you decide at a given point what relationship to respond to first?

Your scale for these areas might be broken into 2 different scales:
On a scale of 0 to 100 what value to you assign to each category.
On a scale of 0 to 100 how much time and energy do you assign to each category.

 

[CarrieSpooner]

It does injustice to the child to put the spouse first. This is a Protestant idea. Jesus says whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me. To put a spouse above a child, who is clearly the most vulnerable and ‘least of these’, is to put the spouse above Christ. In our culture of death, children are marginalized. It is lonely and painful for a child to witness his/her parents putting each other first, over the child. Doing so makes the child feel as though they are not as valuable. The child may turn to material objects (blanket, stuffed animal, pacifier, etc) to attempt to fill the void which rightly belongs to human dignity and divine charity. This plants the seed of materialism and depersonalization. In this day and age, parents are more self-centered than ever.

Love is not a commodity to be divided. Family members must not be given different value and love should not be dogmatically apportioned based on position in the family but rather we should acknowledge the personhood of each member of the family and give according to ones needs. No person is more valuable than another. There is simply no need to insert a tension of placing a value scale where none exists.

The child is not something that comes from the outside of the parents but rather springs forth from the parents through love. These two can not be pitted against one another which is what Protestants often seem to do (pitting Mary against Jesus, putting The Bible against Tradition, pitting Jesus against the Church, etc). God always comes first but there is no reason to pit parent against child in order to determine who comes first. It’s better to put first the need of the person. Generally, children’s needs will come first because they are more vulnerable and often unable to care for themselves however this changes slowly over time as they develop more independence. It should be noted that attachment is the best way to foster independence. Sometimes a parent’s need may still come first if he or she is sick, injured, etc.

 

[CarrieSpooner]

Blessed John Paul II wrote:

“Special attention must be
devoted to the children by developing a
profound esteem for their personal dignity, and
a great respect and generous concern for their
rights. This is true for every child, but it
becomes all the more urgent the smaller the
child is and the more it is in need of everything,
when it is sick, suffering or handicapped.”

 

[CarrieSpooner]

“By fostering and exercising a tender and strong concern for every child that comes into this world, the Church fulfills a fundamental mission: for she is called upon to reveal and put forward anew in history the example and the commandment of Christ the Lord, who placed the child at the heart of the Kingdom of God: “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.””

vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_19811122_familiaris-consortio_en.html

 

[CarrieSpooner]

If you have any doubts, read these:

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/catholic-teaching/upload/Children-as-gift.pdf

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/upload/nfp-conjugal-love.pdf

How could the supreme gift of marriage be placed below one spouse of said marriage? It simply makes no sense to place the spouse above the child. The only way to put the spouse first is to dismiss Church teachings about the meaning of marriage.

 

[IBombAtomically]

CarrieSpooner:
Great posts

 

[LongingSoul]

If you have any doubts, read these:

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/catholic-teaching/upload/Children-as-gift.pdf

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/upload/nfp-conjugal-love.pdf

How could the supreme gift of marriage be placed below one spouse of said marriage? It simply makes no sense to place the spouse above the child. The only way to put the spouse first is to dismiss Church teachings about the meaning of marriage.

But it’s not putting emphasis on the marriage at the expense of the children… it’s putting that emphasis there for the good of the children. The CCC defines it this way…

***1641 "By reason of their state in life and of their order, [Christian spouses] have their own special gifts in the People of God."147 This grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they “help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children.”**148

1642 Christ is the source of this grace. "Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony."149 Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,”… *

The gist being that marriage is a sacrament through which grace flows to build and sustain in the difficulties and burdens that will come in living together and raising children. So as with the airlines instructions to fit your oxygen mask before you fit your childs mask… there is a fundamental recognition of the value of your marital health in the health of the children.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If you have any doubts, read these:

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/catholic-teaching/upload/Children-as-gift.pdf

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/upload/nfp-conjugal-love.pdf

How could the supreme gift of marriage be placed below one spouse of said marriage? It simply makes no sense to place the spouse above the child. The only way to put the spouse first is to dismiss Church teachings about the meaning of marriage.

Even from a catholic perspective, marriage is a vocation and a sacrament. Raising children is not. You are with your spouse for life, but you children will leave you to cleave to others. You take vows pledging your life to your spouse, you do not to your children.

And ultimately, putting your marriage and spouse first makes for a more loving and stable home for children.

 

[marymary1975]

If you have any doubts, read these:

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/catholic-teaching/upload/Children-as-gift.pdf

usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/upload/nfp-conjugal-love.pdf

How could the supreme gift of marriage be placed below one spouse of said marriage? It simply makes no sense to place the spouse above the child. The only way to put the spouse first is to dismiss Church teachings about the meaning of marriage.

As I said to Kendra I think you are seeing this as the child v spouse, one competing against the other and that is not what it is. Maybe there is a bad choice of words when people say putting husband first but they don’t mean that there is a competition of interest in which the child is neglected. Is about priorities and how to put them in order and finding a balance in life. As longingsoul said, is not to put the marriage first at the expense of the children, is to give priority – or to rephrase it better – giving the required importance to the marriage for the benefit of the children.

Now if someone while doing this is incurring into neglecting the children, that person has a serious problem and is plain irresponsible.

 

[CarrieSpooner]

Even from a catholic perspective, marriage is a vocation and a sacrament. Raising children is not. You are with your spouse for life, but you children will leave you to cleave to others. You take vows pledging your life to your spouse, you do not to your children.

And ultimately, putting your marriage and spouse first makes for a more loving and stable home for children.

Raising children is actually part of the sacrament of marriage – the supreme gift. Children are the fulfillment. Did you read the links?

"With good reason, then, the Church asks during the Rite of Marriage: “Will you accept
children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his
Church?” In the raising of children conjugal love is expressed as authentic parental love.
The “communion of persons,” expressed as conjugal love at the beginning of the family,
is thus completed and brought to fulfillment in the raising of children. Every individual
born and raised in a family constitutes a potential treasure which must be responsibly
accepted, so that it will not be diminished or lost, but will rather come to an ever more
mature humanity. (John Paul II, Gratissimam sane, #16) "

 

[CarrieSpooner]

As I said to Kendra I think you are seeing this as the child v spouse, one competing against the other and that is not what it is. Maybe there is a bad choice of words when people say putting husband first but they don’t mean that there is a competition of interest in which the child is neglected. Is about priorities and how to put them in order and finding a balance in life. As longingsoul said, is not to put the marriage first at the expense of the children, is to give priority – or to rephrase it better – giving the required importance to the marriage for the benefit of the children.

Now if someone while doing this is incurring into neglecting the children, that person has a serious problem and is plain irresponsible.

I actually spoke to not seeing it that way. That was my entire point of my responses. I disagree with the assertion that it’s only “giving the required importance to the marriage for the benefit of the children”. It should also be giving importance to the children for the benefit of the marriage (parents). For, if you you read the links I provided, Church teachings state that children “contribute very substantially to the welfare of their parents”. So by this omission and sole focus on the priority of just the parents in marriage, we do compete against one another. I challenge that!

 

[CarrieSpooner]

But it’s not putting emphasis on the marriage at the expense of the children… it’s putting that emphasis there for the good of the children. The CCC defines it this way…

***1641 "By reason of their state in life and of their order, [Christian spouses] have their own special gifts in the People of God."147 This grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they “help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children.”***148

1642 Christ is the source of this grace. "Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony."149 Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,”…

The gist being that marriage is a sacrament through which grace flows to build and sustain in the difficulties and burdens that will come in living together and raising children. So as with the airlines instructions to fit your oxygen mask before you fit your childs mask… there is a fundamental recognition of the value of your marital health in the health of the children.

And putting emphasis on the children is also for the good of the marriage. You see?! It goes both ways. Yes, put your oxygen mask on but this doesn’t mean adults come first on a plane evacuation. Generally speaking, the most vulnerable are removed from the plane first.

 

[thewanderer]

I actually spoke to not seeing it that way. That was my entire point of my responses. I disagree with the assertion that it’s only “giving the required importance to the marriage for the benefit of the children”. It should also be giving importance to the children for the benefit of the marriage (parents). For, if you you read the links I provided, Church teachings state that children “contribute very substantially to the welfare of their parents”. So by this omission and sole focus on the priority of just the parents in marriage, we do compete against one another. I challenge that!

But thats the thing, no one is putting the focus solely on the parents. No one is advocating neglecting children, or giving them less affection and attention than they need. However, there is still an ordering in the objective importance. Yes, children are a very important part of marriage for those who are able to conceive, but the fact that marriage can exist validly without children shows that the marriage itself is more foundational than any children that come from the marriage. Because of this the relationship to your spouse is more important, and so, in ranking, comes higher. Yes, your marriage can benefit through having children, but it does not rely on having children the same way that children rely on having parent’s with a healthy relationship.