Married men and women as friends

[MJJean]

This male friend sounds kind, generous, and open hearted. He’s a blessing to your family.

I really don’t get it. Your wife has a friend who shares an interest/hobby and happened to have a lens he wouldn’t be using, so he gives it to her. So? No matter the sex or marital status of a friend, if I have something in good shape and won’t be using it I am sure to find someone who will and give it to that person. My friends, male and female, single or married, do the same for me. It’s practical. Why let something go to waste or sell/donate it when someone you know could use it?

All of my friends,male and female, single and married, have a relationship with my kids. They’re friends. They are part of my life. Why wouldn’t that include my children? I have gotten great joy and a lot of laughs being part of the lives of my friends kids and watching them with mine.

I like having a variety of friends and I like interacting with my husbands variety of friends. Its also awesome to know that each of us has those friends to be there if/when they are needed.

I think this is one of those petty jealousies and a case where someone needs to get over themselves.

Not to mention you either trust your wife or you don’t…

P.S.
If my husband insisted that I stop being friends with someone because he was insecure and somewhat jealous I’d be seriously upset. Eventually, I’d also feel resentful. And it would change how I view my husband and our marriage. I’d see him as weak and insecure. I’d wonder about our relationship, our trust, etc.

And, yes, my husband has female friends as well as me having male friends. Just in case anyone was wondering.

 

[Evania]

This male friend sounds kind, generous, and open hearted. He’s a blessing to your family.

Maybe…Maybe not.

I really don’t get it. Your wife has a friend who shares an interest/hobby and happened to have a lens he wouldn’t be using, so he gives it to her. So? No matter the sex or marital status of a friend, if I have something in good shape and won’t be using it I am sure to find someone who will and give it to that person. My friends, male and female, single or married, do the same for me. It’s practical. Why let something go to waste or sell/donate it when someone you know could use it?

True. I agree with this.

All of my friends,male and female, single and married, have a relationship with my kids. They’re friends. They are part of my life. Why wouldn’t that include my children? I have gotten great joy and a lot of laughs being part of the lives of my friends kids and watching them with mine.
I like having a variety of friends and I like interacting with my husbands variety of friends. Its also awesome to know that each of us has those friends to be there if/when they are needed.

That’s wonderful that you like interacting with your husband’s friends. However, the husband doesn’t know this guy.
Although it’s nice to know that your spouse has friends in case they’re needed, a member of the opposite sex isn’t “needed”,and if they are needed then they shouldn’t be.

I think this is one of those petty jealousies and a case where someone needs to get over themselves.

Tell that to the multiple amount of people who have ever had their spouse desert them for a “special friend” or to those who have seen their parents marriages destroyed and lives decimated by infidelity. That’s just reality. Is that the case here? It might not. However, why give the coworker a pass and and pass judgment on the husband?

Not to mention you either trust your wife or you don’t…

He didn’t say anything about not trusting his wife. He’s seeing red flags. It would be foolish to ignore red flags in a marriage. You can’t fix a potential problem if you don’t address it.

P.S.
If my husband insisted that I stop being friends with someone because he was insecure and somewhat jealous I’d be seriously upset. Eventually, I’d also feel resentful. And it would change how I view my husband and our marriage. I’d see him as weak and insecure. I’d wonder about our relationship, our trust, etc.

I would hope that your first reaction would be to listen to your husband and be respectful to his feelings. If he has a valid concern, he should feel comfortable coming to you instead of feeling that it might cause you to throw a fit. That could cause him to feel resentment and change how he views you and his marriage to you.
Ultimately, your family should come first. That’s what God ordained.

And, yes, my husband has female friends as well as me having male friends. Just in case anyone was wondering.

That’s nice.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I barely know him. He acts respectful towards me, and my wife, but…I barely know him. The keyword here is: Acts.

I feel for your stepfather, it must have been emasculating for him to be in that position.

My situation is a little different. These items are not anything we (I) could not afford to buy.

Gifts. To a married woman. It…just…seems…odd…

The first thing you should do is get to know him. Have your wife invite him and his wife over for dinner. You’ll get to know him at the very least, or you may even find that the four of you make great friends.

Please don’t insult my family. My mother never would have done anything to hurt or emasculate my stepfather. She showed him nothing but love and respect, and her friends respected him as well.

Married or not if i have something of value that I no longer need I’m going to give it to a friend who will get some use out of it. That’s not odd, it’s normal and kind.

 

[Lorelei12]

Hi, All-

My wife has a handful of people working under her as contractors. They’re not highly paid and most of them do it as a hobby.

One of them is male and retired from the Civil Service.

This person, as well as my wife, both use cameras as part of the job. About a year ago he gave my wife a telephoto lens “that he no longer needed.”

Online, this lens sells for $200 new. The lens he gave her might be used, but it looks NIB. There are no signs of wear on the lens.

Interestingly, a few months before that I gave my wife a similar lens for her birthday. The one I gave her was also new, but was non-OEM and probably of lower quality.

A few months after that my wife dressed our teenage daughter in a period dress for a Victorian tea.

The contractor, my wife and myself were all taking pictures at the tea. I posed my daughter against a nice backdrop and started taking pictures of her. A few seconds later the contractor was also taking pictures (as was my wife).

About a month after the tea I was at my in-laws’ and saw three large photos (11" x 14" or larger) of my daughter, in that shot, hanging on the wall, that he had taken and printed on his photo printer.

Lately he’s been copying DVDs for my wife and our son.

My wife says he’s just a friend and is “just showing off”.

I say he’s insinuating himself in my marriage and my family and his attentions and gifts are wildly inappropriate.

Am I wrong?

It actually sounds to me like you could be reading into things that aren’t there. You don’t like that he gave her a camera that was better than yours, and even inspected it to see whether there were signs of wear, trying to verify that she was telling the truth about it being used? You take pictures, and you don’t like it that he takes pictures AND prints them out? Is it possible that this guy is just thoughtful and really not trying to outdo you?

At first I thought maybe there was something to this. Perhaps he is after your wife, and at the very least your wife should care how it makes you feel. But then I saw that you had started a thread awhile ago about how you don’t like men hugging your wife. It seems to me that either your wife is an obnoxious flirt who attracts the attention of every man she comes into contact with, or that you are a bit too jealous and controlling. Maybe the issue lies somewhere in the middle, I don’t know. Are there men out there who don’t care that you’re married and will hit on your wife? Probably. But I find it rather doubtful that there are this many men after her, both because most women are not supermodels and also because I believe most men are decent and won’t go after a married woman. It sounds more plausible that you might be a bit paranoid and jealous.

I am not saying that this particular man is not being inappropriate. Maybe he is, and it does matter what you think about it. But it doesn’t appear to be an isolated incident- you seem overall very concerned with any attention any man gives to your wife, innocent or not. Do you think any part of your feelings about this particular man might be influenced by your imagination?

 

[MJJean]

Evania, the quote thing is messed up, so I’ll try to clarify as best I can.

The husband does know this guy and has said that the guy treats him respectfully. And, yes, sometimes friends of the opposite sex are needed. If my husband can’t fix some random thing because he is working or doesn’t know how and said thing needs to be fixed now, I see nothing wrong with calling a male friend for some know how or some muscle, for example. Sometimes, I get frustrated and simply don’t understand how the male mind works. Great having more than one male friend to ask. Sometimes my husband gasp wants to do something sweet or buy me a present and has no clue how to go about it. So, he can ask advice or assistance from a female friend. Friends are also awesome emergency babysitters. And these examples have happened more than once for us over the last decade.

Umm, I am one of the people who has been lied to and cheated on. My ex-husband made a hobby of trying to or succeeding in having affairs with one of my friends and most of his. Yes, I divorced him and yes we had kids. Yet I don’t see opposite sex friendship as a threat to my marriage. Why? Because I trust my husband. Period. I wouldn’t be married to him if I didn’t. The husband who posted the thread has given no indication of anything untoward going on. Which means he has no real reason to have a problem with the friendship unless he doesn’t trust his wife or has some immaturity/insecurity issues to work out.

What red flags is he seeing? His wife isn’t sneaking around. She is open with this friendship to the point of including her husband and child. So what if a male friend is copying favorite movies or giving the wife hobby supplies he isn’t going to use? That’s what friends do! So what if he came to one of the child’s events and took some pictures? He’s a friend, likes the kid, and his hobby is taking pictures. So what if the wife used some of those pictures? Maybe he is a decent amateur photographer and they were simply nice shots! I can’t tell you how many pictures of my kids my friends have taken and given to me because they came out better than mine.

No, I wouldn’t “throw a fit”. I’m 38 years old for heaven’s sakes. I am far past the throw a fit age. Of course, I’d listen to concerns and address them. But part of that listening and addressing could be simply saying “Honey, you’re being ridiculous. There is nothing to fear. Get over yourself.”

I realize God ordained family come first. ON BOTH SIDES. Demanding a spouse break off an innocent friendship or even making the friendship uncomfortable and causing the spouse sadness because of insecurity and jealousy isn’t putting her first. I’m also pretty sure God calls for brotherly love. Which would mean the husband also be friends with the wife’s friend and treat him with friendship, kindness, and include him, not try to remove him.

Also, I have a feeling that this whole thread wouldn’t exist if this friend were a female behaving the same way. So, basically, some people are saying this man is out of line and insinuating himself into the marriage simply because he’s a male. As if we, as humans, aren’t more than our genitals.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let’s look at three possibilities

1. The guy is sending the pictures because he’s proud of his photography skills and believes he is doing friends a favor by giving them his photos instead of leaving them to “get by” with very similar pics he knows they have taken themselves…not as endearing he might believe, but not an atypical level of immodesty in our day.
2. Neither he nor the wife has any bad intentions; infidelity is the furthest thing from their minds.
3. He’s acting in a way that could lead to covetousness of another man’s wife, family ties, or both, or that could lead the wife into an inappropriate affection for him.

There is no reason to think those three possibilities are mutually exclusive. Therefore, I would treat him not as a thief, but as a man no less likely than any other to find that he has wrecked a good thing by having been a fool.

Reasonable boundaries do not stop those who are bent on being thieves, but they do prevent tragic foolishness. OP, insist your wife have those boundaries that keep foolishness from ruining families and friendships. Otherwise, she is like someone who leaves a candle unattended…she risks a lot of damage over the lack of a relatively small amount of care. That would be a tragedy.

 

[maryjk]

It actually sounds to me like you could be reading into things that aren’t there. You don’t like that he gave her a camera that was better than yours, and even inspected it to see whether there were signs of wear, trying to verify that she was telling the truth about it being used? You take pictures, and you don’t like it that he takes pictures AND prints them out? Is it possible that this guy is just thoughtful and really not trying to outdo you?

At first I thought maybe there was something to this. Perhaps he is after your wife, and at the very least your wife should care how it makes you feel. But then I saw that you had started a thread awhile ago about how you don’t like men hugging your wife. It seems to me that either your wife is an obnoxious flirt who attracts the attention of every man she comes into contact with, or that you are a bit too jealous and controlling. Maybe the issue lies somewhere in the middle, I don’t know. Are there men out there who don’t care that you’re married and will hit on your wife? Probably. But I find it rather doubtful that there are this many men after her, both because most women are not supermodels and also because I believe most men are decent and won’t go after a married woman. It sounds more plausible that you might be a bit paranoid and jealous.

I am not saying that this particular man is not being inappropriate. Maybe he is, and it does matter what you think about it. But it doesn’t appear to be an isolated incident- you seem overall very concerned with any attention any man gives to your wife, innocent or not. Do you think any part of your feelings about this particular man might be influenced by your imagination?

You know, I thought this sounded familiar.

The OP believes that all men are just out for what they can get from women. And that his wife needs him to protect her from all of those awful men.

OP, you really need to figure out if you trust your wife or not.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Lorelei12:

But then I saw that you had started a thread awhile ago about how you don’t like men hugging your wife

Oh, that guy? In that case, OP, I’m more likely to believe that you’re blowing this out of proportion again. I mean this kindly, OP, you need to work on your jealousy issues and your marriage as a whole.

 

[Rdunbar123]

Let’s look at three possibilities

1. The guy is sending the pictures because he’s proud of his photography skills and believes he is doing friends a favor by giving them his photos instead of leaving them to “get by” with very similar pics he knows they have taken themselves…not as endearing he might believe, but not an atypical level of immodesty in our day.
2. Neither he nor the wife has any bad intentions; infidelity is the furthest thing from their minds.
3. He’s acting in a way that could lead to covetousness of another man’s wife, family ties, or both, or that could lead the wife into an inappropriate affection for him.

There is no reason to think those three possibilities are mutually exclusive. Therefore, I would treat him not as a thief, but as a man no less likely than any other to find that he has wrecked a good thing by having been a fool.

Reasonable boundaries do not stop those who are bent on being thieves, but they do prevent tragic foolishness. OP, insist your wife have those boundaries that keep foolishness from ruining families and friendships. Otherwise, she is like someone who leaves a candle unattended…she risks a lot of damage over the lack of a relatively small amount of care. That would be a tragedy.

Good post, I suspect that many affairs start out slowly with no bad intentions, but escalate.

 

[EasterJoy]

You know, I thought this sounded familiar.

The OP believes that all men are just out for what they can get from women. And that his wife needs him to protect her from all of those awful men.

OP, you really need to figure out if you trust your wife or not.

Hmmm…spouses ought to make a reasonable effort to give the person they married a feeling of the exclusive nature of their relationship. My husband and I have many opposite gender friends, but we make certain to give each other obviuos precedence. That is not too much to ask. If a husband is not given to public displays of affection with other women himself, it isn’t unreasonable that he’d feel slighted when his wife is being physically affectionate with other men. Just because some other husbands are OK with it does not mean he’s being unduly jealous.

Our God is a jealous one…sometimes jealousy is appropriate.

 

[EasterJoy]

Good post, I suspect that many affairs start out slowly with no bad intentions, but escalate.

I have known some sad cases, some even with priests. Not lots and lots, but when something is worse than having your house burn to the ground, any is too many.

I might use just those words: no, I don’t think it is likely, but when something is worse than having everything you own burn to the ground, merely “unlikely” isn’t nearly unlikely enough. Stuff is just stuff, but a marriage is irreplaceable.

 

[maryjk]

Hmmm…spouses ought to make a reasonable effort to give the person they married a feeling of the exclusive nature of their relationship. My husband and I have many opposite gender friends, but we make certain to give each other obvious precedence. That is not too much to ask. If a husband is not given to public displays of affection with other women himself, it isn’t unreasonable that he’d feel slighted when his wife is being physically affectionate with other men. Just because some other husbands are OK with it does not mean he’s being unduly jealous.

All of this is very true.

Our God is a jealous one…sometimes jealousy is appropriate.

But if you read the past posts of the OP, it sounds more like the jealousy is a control issue.

 

[MJJean]

Good post, I suspect that many affairs start out slowly with no bad intentions, but escalate.

Well, yes, but no one is helpless in the face of temptation. There is a certain point where one or both participants in a budding affair realize where things are headed. A trustworthy spouse backs away and ends the association. An untrustworthy spouse lets things progress to an affair.

Hmmm…spouses ought to make a reasonable effort to give the person they married a feeling of the exclusive nature of their relationship. My husband and I have many opposite gender friends, but we make certain to give each other obviuos precedence. That is not too much to ask. If a husband is not given to public displays of affection with other women himself, it isn’t unreasonable that he’d feel slighted when his wife is being physically affectionate with other men. Just because some other husbands are OK with it does not mean he’s being unduly jealous.

Our God is a jealous one…sometimes jealousy is appropriate.

And sometimes, it isn’t. My husband isn’t the PDA type and he is from a very reserved sort of family.family. I am the PDA type and I grew up with a very demonstrative family. I have always hugged both friends and family regardless of their gender. We had to learn and understand where the other was coming from as part of being in a relationship with each other.

I had to learn not to feel rejected because he didn’t respond as much as I’d have liked to me displaying affection in public. I also had to learn not to feel neglected if he didn’t initiate displays of affection in public.

He, in turn, had to realize that I am a huggy person. I hug everyone. Just how I am. It’s how my family is and how I have always been with friends. Heck, I’ll hug a stranger in a heartbeat if they look like they need one and are receptive to a hug. There was a lady crying at Mass shortly after I’d joined the parish. When everyone was “Peace be with you-ing” ( I know the term for that part of Mass, but its escaping me at the moment ) I hugged her and asked if there was anything I could do. My husband later asked me who she was and how I made a friend so quickly. I had no clue who she was. She just looked heartbroken and like she needed a hug. Turns out, I found out a week or two later, she’d recently lost her mother. Anyways, for the huggy people, it doesn’t mean anything more than simple human caring. And spouses of huggy people really need to understand that.

 

[EasterJoy]

All of this is very true.
But if you read the past posts of the OP, it sounds more like the jealousy is a control issue.

Well, when some little thing approached him and it upset his wife, he did not report having responded as he wants his wife to, that is, with an immediate:* I beg your pardon, ma’am!* To respond with indignation when someone tries to flatter you with their attention is easier done in theory than in reality, particularly in these times when not having “a sense of fun” at a party is considered to be a moral black mark against you! The creeps usually have carte blanche for at least “one strike” of behavior that they know is out of line when they are at parties where alcohol is served–that is, their targets are supposed to be “good sports” about an “isolated instance” of inappropriate behavior or commenting–and the creeps know it.

That is the issue. He is not going to stop other people and he is not going to control his wife. His task is to convince her that they ought to agree on boundaries that will keep the creeps and bay and also to prevent one of those unfortunate situations where you have to cut of contact with someone you’d like to be friends with because they got the idea that your toleration of their liberties represented an invitation to shameless flirtation…and there is such a thing as flirtation unbecoming a Christian:

*“Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones, no obscenity or silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place, but instead, thanksgiving. Be sure of this, that no immoral or impure or greedy person, that is, an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the disobedient. So do not be associated with them.” *Eph. 5:3-7

Yet which is more common among some of us: expressions of thanksgiving and praise to God or expressions of “my, aren’t we sexy today?” Which would even our Catholic friends find embarrassing to witness, and why is that? The world is saying that it is repressed and controlling to want to eliminate sexual innuendo between friends, but that is not what our faith teaches. Make one comment that betrays a religious faith, OTOH, and all of a sudden you’re disliked because you “cram religion down other people’s throats.” Who drew these boundaries?

That does not mean that chastity forbids friendship between members of the opposite sex, but that chastity requires that all friendships, including between members of the opposite sex be conducted in an atmosphere of virtue, self-mastery, and respect, not one that is marked by “silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place.” If any of us don’t want friends who encourage us towards virtue, we ought to think long and hard about that. Does the woman who says, “wow, what sexy jeans” seem just friendly, while the woman who says, “oh, you are better, praise the Lord, He is good” seem like a religious nut? Does anyone see what is going on here?

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

Have you observed any changes in your wife’s behavior especially in “agreements” and “dissagreements” between you and her since she met this ‘friend’?

Not really. But I don’t think my wife is the problem here, so that doesn’t surprise me.

One thing you don’t mention are your ages. You say he is retired. Did he retire young, or are we talking “typical” retirement age? Also, you & your wife…approx ages? Because if he is considerably older, he could’ve found a connection between himself & your wife that is more of a fatherly type. Just a thought.

He’s not that old. 7 years older than me, 14 years older than my wife.

OP, I am not sure what you’re looking for here; you clearly are uncomfortable with this man’s behavior.

Ammo…

You aren’t asking her to cease all contact with this guy; just not to accept gifts from him, right?

Correct.

To the op:
I am a woman and do understand your feelings. I see the gift-giving as inappropriate.

Thank you!

You posted: “It’s interesting that the first three responses appear to be from women and they all seem to think this is no big deal.”

I was in the top three. What did I say to suggest that this is no big deal?
I actually believe the opposite. I was just asking for info that I felt was relevant. I definitely believe that this man shouldn’t be giving your wife gifts, expensive or otherwise. I don’t know what this man’s intentions are, but it’s just plain odd and inappropriate. I personally do not believe in close bonds of friendships between the sexes especially when one is married. I hope that your wife listens to your feelings on this matter.

Oops, sorry, I made an assumption. Apologies. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I hope she listens, too!

Why are you feeling so insecure about this friendship? How is your marriage?

I don’t see anything suspicious about people who are clearly into photography taking pictures at the same time you are. Even your wife was taking pictures. Regarding the gifts, some people would rather give something they no longer need to others that would appreciate it than sell it.

The marriage is not as strong as it could or should be. I’m working on that.

I didn’t have a problem with him taking pictures, just printing out poster sized photos of my daughter. Seems a bit forward.

Individually, none of these gestures is out of line. However, they do add up to quite a pile. He might genuinely just have fatherly feelings toward your wife. Or not.

I say not.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

i think the behavior of your wife’s friend is inappropriate and you should discuss the matter with your wife…surely when she understands your feelings she will work to alter the circumstances / speak with her friend about his behavior…

So far talking about it has been less than productive. I may be pointing her to this thread, however, sort of a last-ditch effort.

Your wife seems to like this guys attention, and that is a problem for you.

Agreed

This male friend sounds kind, generous, and open hearted. He’s a blessing to your family.

Not to be rude, but you are deluded.

Why let something go to waste or sell/donate it when someone you know could use it?

I’m pretty sure if I gave something to a co-worker, male or female, that I could have sold for $100 or more, which would put food on the table, my wife would not be happy.

And funnily enough, she doesn’t use the lens as she doesn’t use the camera it fits. Not that it matters, of course.

I think this is one of those petty jealousies and a case where someone needs to get over themselves.

There is nothing petty or trivial about someone insinuating themselves in your marriage.

Not to mention you either trust your wife or you don’t…

I trust my wife. I don’t trust him.

If my husband insisted that I stop being friends with someone because he was insecure and somewhat jealous I’d be seriously upset.

I’m not asking her to stop being friends with him, just that he not cross any lines.

The first thing you should do is get to know him. Have your wife invite him and his wife over for dinner. You’ll get to know him at the very least, or you may even find that the four of you make great friends.

I think the first thing he should have done was get to know the husband of the woman he was planning on befriending.

Sorry if I was insulting, that wasn’t my intent.

Is it possible that this guy is just thoughtful and really not trying to outdo you?

It’s possible, but I don’t believe it.

But then I saw that you had started a thread awhile ago about how you don’t like men hugging your wife.

Yes, that is another boundary I don’t like seeing crossed. As I think I explained in that thread, I don’t go around hugging other mens’ wives, I don’t expect them to be hugging mine. Relatives and friends of the family excepted, of course.

…I believe most men are decent…

I would put that number around 50/50, maximum.

The husband does know this guy and has said that the guy treats him respectfully.

And that means what to me? That he’s going to be nice to me as he’s poaching my wife? Not that I’m going to let that happen, or that he’s even trying to do that, but…I don’t really know him.

If my husband can’t fix some random thing because he is working or doesn’t know how and said thing needs to be fixed now, I see nothing wrong with calling a male friend for some know how or some muscle.

Holy moly, I would think your husband would call for himself.

What red flags is he seeing?

Gifting. Lots of it. Attention. Lots of it. More than I would expect from a co-worker type friend.

Also, I have a feeling that this whole thread wouldn’t exist if this friend were a female behaving the same way.

Haha, that is funny. Of course it would be different.

As if we, as humans, aren’t more than our genitals.

Odd you feel that way after your experience. You obviously don’t know men very well.

OP, insist your wife have those boundaries that keep foolishness from ruining families and friendships

Thank you, that is exactly what I am hoping to do.

The OP believes that all men are just out for what they can get from women. And that his wife needs him to protect her from all of those awful men.

Not all of them, but a lot. And, uh, it’s my job to protect her. Duh!

I mean this kindly, OP, you need to work on your jealousy issues

My wife works with men who treat her with respect and maintain and appropriate distance physically and emotionally and they don’t bother me at all. Odd that…

Well, yes, but no one is helpless in the face of temptation. There is a certain point where one or both participants in a budding affair realize where things are headed. A trustworthy spouse backs away and ends the association. An untrustworthy spouse lets things progress to an affair.

And a good husband keeps a weather eye and kicks arse and takes names when necessary.

 

[EasterJoy]

I wouldn’t drag us in as your authority. Why should she care what we think? There is no opinion that you can’t find someone in the internet who will agree with you. I would also not make this about you “protecting” her. I would make this about taking your feelings into account, just as you take her feelings into account in how you interact with female friends, fellow parishioners, and co-workers.

Be your own authority on your feelings: about your relationship with her and how her actions make you feel. Be clear that it is not easy to watch her with male friends, and that you would appreciate it if she would make it more obvious that she really does prefer you, just as you try to always show that you prefer her to any other women who enjoy your company.

a) it hurts your feelings when she is physically affectionate with other men right in front of you, just as it would hurt her feelings if you were to make innocent comments on how nicely her female friends had chosen their clothing and hair styles. It’s about being considerate for your feelings and showing that she prefers you over the other men, even though of course anyone can see that her male friends are huggable and the female friends deserve to have compliments made about their beauty successes. Considering how she felt when her co-worker flirted with you, you are surprised she refuses to see that. Just as it would be rude for you to ogle or grope other women, it is rude for her to be so physically affectionate with these guys.

b) it is only common sense not to put opposite sex friends in a position where they might fall in love with her. She might not have any intention like that, but it is just not fair and it could cause a bad situation if she gives them the wrong signal and has to cool off the friendship because she wasn’t careful up front with the signals she is sending. This fellow who is giving her so many gifts is particularly vulnerable to thinking she might welcome intimate feelings from him. She needs to be very clear up front that she does not have “that kind” of friendships with men, because she’s a married woman.

 

[EasterJoy]

PERRY I guess you can’t invite me in?

ROSE No.

PERRY People home.

ROSE No. I think the house is empty.
I can’t invite you in
because I’m married
and because I know who I am.

From “Moonstruck”

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

i think the behavior of your wife’s friend is inappropriate and you should discuss the matter with your wife…surely when she understands your feelings she will work to alter the circumstances / speak with her friend about his behavior…

So far talking about it has been less than productive. I may be pointing her to this thread, however, sort of a last-ditch effort.

Your wife seems to like this guys attention, and that is a problem for you.

Agreed

This male friend sounds kind, generous, and open hearted. He’s a blessing to your family.

Not to be rude, but you are deluded.

Why let something go to waste or sell/donate it when someone you know could use it?

I’m pretty sure if I gave something to a co-worker, male or female, that I could have sold for $100 or more, which would put food on the table, my wife would not be happy.

And funnily enough, she doesn’t use the lens as she doesn’t use the camera it fits. Not that it matters, of course.

I think this is one of those petty jealousies and a case where someone needs to get over themselves.

There is nothing petty or trivial about someone insinuating themselves in your marriage.

Not to mention you either trust your wife or you don’t…

I trust my wife. I don’t trust him.

If my husband insisted that I stop being friends with someone because he was insecure and somewhat jealous I’d be seriously upset.

I’m not asking her to stop being friends with him, just that he not cross any lines.

The first thing you should do is get to know him. Have your wife invite him and his wife over for dinner. You’ll get to know him at the very least, or you may even find that the four of you make great friends.

I think the first thing he should have done was get to know the husband of the woman he was planning on befriending.

Sorry if I was insulting, that wasn’t my intent.

Is it possible that this guy is just thoughtful and really not trying to outdo you?

It’s possible, but I don’t believe it.

But then I saw that you had started a thread awhile ago about how you don’t like men hugging your wife.

Yes, that is another boundary I don’t like seeing crossed. As I think I explained in that thread, I don’t go around hugging other mens’ wives, I don’t expect them to be hugging mine. Relatives and friends of the family excepted, of course.

…I believe most men are decent…

I would put that number around 50/50, maximum.

The husband does know this guy and has said that the guy treats him respectfully.

And that means what to me? That he’s going to be nice to me as he’s poaching my wife? Not that I’m going to let that happen, or that he’s even trying to do that, but…I don’t really know him.

If my husband can’t fix some random thing because he is working or doesn’t know how and said thing needs to be fixed now, I see nothing wrong with calling a male friend for some know how or some muscle.

Holy moly, I would think your husband would call for himself.

What red flags is he seeing?

Gifting. Lots of it. Attention. Lots of it. More than I would expect from a co-worker type friend.

Oh, and out of three women in the office, my wife is the only one receiving this attention.

Also, I have a feeling that this whole thread wouldn’t exist if this friend were a female behaving the same way.

Haha, that is funny. Of course it would be different.

As if we, as humans, aren’t more than our genitals.

Odd you feel that way after your experience. You obviously don’t know men very well.

OP, insist your wife have those boundaries that keep foolishness from ruining families and friendships

Thank you, that is exactly what I am hoping to do.

The OP believes that all men are just out for what they can get from women. And that his wife needs him to protect her from all of those awful men.

Not all of them, but a lot. And, uh, it’s my job to protect her. Duh!

I mean this kindly, OP, you need to work on your jealousy issues

My wife works with men who treat her with respect and maintain and appropriate distance physically and emotionally and they don’t bother me at all. Odd that…

Well, yes, but no one is helpless in the face of temptation. There is a certain point where one or both participants in a budding affair realize where things are headed. A trustworthy spouse backs away and ends the association. An untrustworthy spouse lets things progress to an affair.

And a good husband keeps a weather eye and kicks arse and takes names when necessary.

 

[LongingSoul]

PERRY I guess you can’t invite me in?

ROSE No.

PERRY People home.

ROSE No. I think the house is empty.
I can’t invite you in
because I’m married
and because I know who I am.

From “Moonstruck”

(That is one of my most favourite movies of all time. I have watched it about … a billion times! It made me want to visit New York one day.)