Married men and women as friends

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It is a very normal tendency in our culture (Tanzanian and African as a whole - do not know about yours) that interactivity of people of opposite sex to an unmarried person is different from that to a married person. The married person holds a special respect and limited interactivity in respect of his/her mate.

Thus I wonder how much your wife is sensitive on “what you could have felt” before entertaining that “prestigious-gifts-giving game”

The weight of your suspicion suggests that some details are still hidden. Make your wife aware on what you feel and ask her to STOP, if you are sure that you are not comfortable with the situation.
 
Emese said:
Hi, I am a woman, and I happen to agree with you. I also think this is odd… And inappropriate behaviour to except such gifts from a man “friend”…your wife probably innocently thinks nothing of it, but I think she ought to know…

And I don’t really believe in friendships between men and women either…
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At the risk of inflaming yet another discussion on the ‘friendship between the opposite sexes’, I’ll sign on to the idea that while inter-gender friendships may be theoretically possible, there is serious question as to whether or not they are advisable. I’d submit that friendship between the sexes is not truly possible due to the fact that the nature of the relationship necessarily does or at least should change in the face of romantic involvement of one of both of the ‘friends’.

As EJ stated, regardless of intentions on the part of either party, the behavior of the wife’s friend and her acquiescence to it, create the potential for great heartache.
 
hurting said:
At the risk of inflaming yet another discussion on the ‘friendship between the opposite sexes’, I’ll sign on to the idea that while inter-gender friendships may be theoretically possible, there is serious question as to whether or not they are advisable. I’d submit that friendship between the sexes is not truly possible due to the fact that the nature of the relationship necessarily does or at least should change in the face of romantic involvement of one of both of the ‘friends’.

As EJ stated, regardless of intentions on the part of either party, the behavior of the wife’s friend and her acquiescence to it, create the potential for great heartache.
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I think that friendships between the sexes can be extremely valuable and have actually helped make my marriage as strong as it is. I mean, there’s the obvious that during our dating phase it was fantastic to be able to talk to a close friend and get a man’s perspective on things.

But even more than that the fact that my interests are almost exclusively male-oriented (I love football, video games, nerdy things like D&D and Magic: The Gathering, camping, shooting, sci-fi and fantasy movies/TV shows/books, etc) gave my now-husband and I many ways to bond and enjoy each other when we were first dating (and obviously still to this day). The fact that most of my friends were male helped me to understand men and make good choices far better than most other women I know. And, my husband’s friends all scattered to the four winds a few years ago, so since my friends are all male and share his interests he had a brand-new social circle built into his life when we got serious. I never have “girl’s night out” and it was far easier for us to assimilate with each other’s friends than it is for many couples.

A good friend will love and support you, they want what’s best for you, they support your marriage. Honestly, I am lucky to have so many good friends who meet all of those requirements, and frankly, life is hard. Why turn someone away who there for you and your spouse like that?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I think that friendships between the sexes can be extremely valuable and have actually helped make my marriage as strong as it is. I mean, there’s the obvious that during our dating phase it was fantastic to be able to talk to a close friend and get a man’s perspective on things.

But even more than that the fact that my interests are almost exclusively male-oriented (I love football, video games, nerdy things like D&D and Magic: The Gathering, camping, shooting, sci-fi and fantasy movies/TV shows/books, etc) gave my now-husband and I many ways to bond and enjoy each other when we were first dating (and obviously still to this day). The fact that most of my friends were male helped me to understand men and make good choices far better than most other women I know. And, my husband’s friends all scattered to the four winds a few years ago, so since my friends are all male and share his interests he had a brand-new social circle built into his life when we got serious. I never have “girl’s night out” and it was far easier for us to assimilate with each other’s friends than it is for many couples.

A good friend will love and support you, they want what’s best for you, they support your marriage. Honestly, I am lucky to have so many good friends who meet all of those requirements, and frankly, life is hard. Why turn someone away who there for you and your spouse like that?
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A woman after my own heart! We are very alike except I made a bad choice and married foolishly the first time.

With your hobbies being similar to mine all I can say is stay away from World of Warcraft. I played a Hunter, Paladin, Priest and a Druid for a while. I had to quit when my kids started having to call me by my main toons name to get a response. :o

And you do bring up a very good point in that friends, regardless of genitalia, want what is best for you and will support your marriage. Again, friends should be welcomed and included, not discouraged.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
A good friend will love and support you, they want what’s best for you, they support your marriage. Honestly, I am lucky to have so many good friends who meet all of those requirements, and frankly, life is hard. Why turn someone away who there for you and your spouse like that?
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When he is there for me, but ignores my spouse’s feelings or encourages me to do so, he’s not there for me. A good friend is a good friend to my marriage. I say this as someone with many male friends as well as female friends.

When we go out to lunch, my husband always knows and he is always invited. None of my male friends has showered us with gifts–we have only had other couples who were so generous, and it was to both of us. All our friends are our friends. When I feel as if one of my male friends is showing undue interest in me, I will only visit with him when his wife is present, too, or else not at all. When one of my friends’ wife told him she wasn’t comfortable that he had me as a friend, that was that.

Marriage first. Everyone else, second. Figure out friendship styles before you marry, and take that into account, because while there is more than one legitimate way to handle this question, the spouses need to agree. That is as it ought to be.
 
EasterJoy said:
When he is there for me, but ignores my spouse’s feelings or encourages me to do so, he’s not there for me. A good friend is a good friend to my marriage. I say this as someone with many male friends as well as female friends.

When we go out to lunch, my husband always knows and he is always invited. None of my male friends has showered us with gifts–we have only had other couples who were so generous, and it was to both of us. All our friends are our friends. When I feel as if one of my male friends is showing undue interest in me, I will only visit with him when his wife is present, too, or else not at all. When one of my friends’ wife told him she wasn’t comfortable that he had me as a friend, that was that.

Marriage first. Everyone else, second. Figure out friendship styles before you marry, and take that into account, because while there is more than one legitimate way to handle this question, the spouses need to agree. That is as it ought to be.
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👍
 
I agree that it’s inappropriate. I can count on one hand how many non family folks that I trust. Watch him. Where’s his family?

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android
 
MJJean said:
A woman after my own heart! We are very alike except I made a bad choice and married foolishly the first time.

With your hobbies being similar to mine all I can say is stay away from World of Warcraft. I played a Hunter, Paladin, Priest and a Druid for a while. I had to quit when my kids started having to call me by my main toons name to get a response. :o

And you do bring up a very good point in that friends, regardless of genitalia, want what is best for you and will support your marriage. Again, friends should be welcomed and included, not discouraged.
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LOL! I played WoW for awhile but gave it up in '08. Of course now I play SWTOR.
 
EasterJoy said:
When he is there for me, but ignores my spouse’s feelings or encourages me to do so, he’s not there for me. A good friend is a good friend to my marriage. I say this as someone with many male friends as well as female friends.

When we go out to lunch, my husband always knows and he is always invited. None of my male friends has showered us with gifts–we have only had other couples who were so generous, and it was to both of us. All our friends are our friends. When I feel as if one of my male friends is showing undue interest in me, I will only visit with him when his wife is present, too, or else not at all. When one of my friends’ wife told him she wasn’t comfortable that he had me as a friend, that was that.

Marriage first. Everyone else, second. Figure out friendship styles before you marry, and take that into account, because while there is more than one legitimate way to handle this question, the spouses need to agree. That is as it ought to be.
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As I’ve said many times I fully agree. I was responding to the notion that men and women can’t be friends at all.
 
aTraditionalist said:
I agree that it’s inappropriate. I can count on one hand how many non family folks that I trust. Watch him. Where’s his family?
Posted from Catholic.com App for Android
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His wife sometimes tags along. She’s a teacher so that’s only in the Summer.

A few weeks ago he and his wife showed up at a church BBQ my wife and I were working.

The four of us were talking and she jokingly said she was being his water girl (holding his water bottle while he took pictures), like my wife had done for him a few days earlier at an event he and my wife had attended.

That she would even mention this struck me as odd, as it had nothing to do with the conversation at the time.

I asked his wife about it a few weeks later when I saw her at another event but she completely blew it off, saying she just thought it was funny. I can’t decide if she a) Really thought it was amusing; b) Was trying to send me a message; c) Is totally oblivious.
 
IHeartGrumpyCat,

You’re reading too much into the water thing.
 
Xantippe said:
IHeartGrumpyCat,

You’re reading too much into the water thing.
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Yep.

Reminds me of a few months ago my husband and I went camping with one of my best friends and his girlfriend. My friend and I LOVE camping, but my husband and his girlfriend had never been before and HATED it. So while my friend and I went hiking they stayed at camp and just hung out. The running joke of the week was that we had our real partners and our “camping spouses”. Just a friendly joke, as I’m sure the water comment was just a silly joke.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
As I’ve said many times I fully agree. I was responding to the notion that men and women can’t be friends at all.
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Some couples do go that route. A bit far, IMHO, but then they tend to do couple-to-couple socializing, so they actually do have opposite-sex friends.
 
iHeartGrumpyCat,

How about you think more about being nicer to your wife, rather than worrying that some guy is being too nice to her?
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
His wife sometimes tags along. She’s a teacher so that’s only in the Summer.

A few weeks ago he and his wife showed up at a church BBQ my wife and I were working.

The four of us were talking and she jokingly said she was being his water girl (holding his water bottle while he took pictures), like my wife had done for him a few days earlier at an event he and my wife had attended.

That she would even mention this struck me as odd, as it had nothing to do with the conversation at the time.

I asked his wife about it a few weeks later when I saw her at another event but she completely blew it off, saying she just thought it was funny. I can’t decide if she a) Really thought it was amusing; b) Was trying to send me a message; c) Is totally oblivious.
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It may have just been her way of saying, “I think it is innocent, but you two had better realize you are being watched, too.” I would bet that his wife keeps an eye on who he is befriending, and how. Either that or she thinks your wife is the charming her husband or perhaps even noticed that you weren’t thrilled and tried to make joke of it to bring a possible offense to the attention of the “photographers”.

This is why couples need to be able to communicate about this.
 
Xantippe said:
iHeartGrumpyCat,

How about you think more about being nicer to your wife, rather than worrying that some guy is being too nice to her?
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It feels icky to think you have to “compete” for first place in your spouse’s attention. That kind of wrecks the pleasure of being good to them just because it gives the two of you pleasure, don’t you think?
 
Xantippe said:
iHeartGrumpyCat,

How about you think more about being nicer to your wife, rather than worrying that some guy is being too nice to her?
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Yuck, you have no idea how I treat my wife.

Don’t be a dope.
 
EasterJoy said:
It may have just been her way of saying, “I think it is innocent, but you two had better realize you are being watched, too.” I would bet that his wife keeps an eye on who he is befriending, and how. Either that or she thinks your wife is the charming her husband or perhaps even noticed that you weren’t thrilled and tried to make joke of it to bring a possible offense to the attention of the “photographers”.

This is why couples need to be able to communicate about this.
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His wife broached the subject and it had nothing to do with the conversation. That’s what caught my attention.

I never would have known about it if she hadn’t mentioned it.

I thought it odd at the time, but didn’t think about her possibly being concerned until later in the day, after they’d left.

But like I said, when I asked her about it a week or two later, she dismissed it completely, just saying she’d thought it was funny, which doesn’t explain why she decided to pop out with it at that moment

I am going to ask her about the camera lens when I get a chance. I’m curious whether she knows about it.

Oh, and for those of you who think I’m overly suspicious, philandering runs in my family. My father was a cheater, my brother is a cheater, so I’m very sensitive to this issue.

That passed me over completely, thank God, and is perhaps my strongest argument that we bring something with us when we come to this world.
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
His wife broached the subject and it had nothing to do with the conversation. That’s what caught my attention.

I thought it odd at the time, but didn’t think about her possibly being concerned until later in the day, after they’d left.

But like I said, when I asked her about it a week or two later, she dismissed it completely, just saying she’d thought it was funny, which doesn’t explain why she decided to pop out with it at that moment

I am going to ask her about the camera lens when I get a chance. I’m curious whether she knows about it.
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