Married men with SSA - Should we be publicly open about it?

[Prodigal_Son]

But you didn’t hide it, did you? You revealed it to her, no?

I told her before we got married, but didn’t really talk about it much after that. Since we have been talking about it more in the past 7 months, it has been a blessing.

 

[peace2u2]

Really? Was Jesus ashamed of his temptations?

There is a difference between being tempted and falling into temptation. Yes, Jesus was tempted by the devil but He never fell into temptation. Jesus showed us how to avoid falling into temptation thru prayer to our Heavenly Father and asking the Holy Spirit to help us.

 

[peace2u2]

I told her before we got married, but didn’t really talk about it much after that. Since we have been talking about it more in the past 7 months, it has been a blessing.

This is where I am struggling understanding SSA and marriage. Why would someone who is attracted to someone of the same sex marry someone of the opposite sex?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

This is where I am struggling understanding SSA and marriage. Why would someone who is attracted to someone of the same sex marry someone of the opposite sex?

Because I’m attracted to the opposite sex, too! I’ve mentioned that once or twice.

Are you expecting everyone with any hint of SSA to live without any romantic relationships?

There is a difference between being tempted and falling into temptation. Yes, Jesus was tempted by the devil but He never fell into temptation. Jesus showed us how to avoid falling into temptation thru prayer to our Heavenly Father and asking the Holy Spirit to help us.

There’s a difference between being tempted and sinning. As for the difference between being tempted and “falling into temptation”, can you explain what you mean by this? What reason do you have to believe that all people with SSA have “fallen into temptation”?

 

[on_the_hill]

This is where I am struggling understanding SSA and marriage. Why would someone who is attracted to someone of the same sex marry someone of the opposite sex?

Oy vey, I don’t really want to get into the discussion…must…stop…typing…

Seems to me there is SSA, then there’s SSA. Some SSA is an attraction that’s physical, or curious, or whatever. Some SSA is toward emotional, psychological intimacy.

 

[peace2u2]

I’m puzzled. Are you saying that it was a bad idea for me to get married? Despite the fact that my wife and I are living rewarding lives together, despite the fact that we have a wonderful sexual relationship, despite the fact that are kids are blessed to have a stable and loving family?

Are you still assuming my wife is crushed by knowing I also am attracted to men? I assure you, she is not. Would you like her to come on the forum, to reassure you?

Your post puzzles me, and kind of offends me. Can you explain your thinking more?

Prodigal Son, I was just sharing my opinion about something I obviously no very little about. I’m not saying that my opinion is right - its just that - my opinion. My opinion on this topic is not meant to offend you and it does not mean you have to agree.

I am just puzzled about why a person who has SSA would even want to marry someone of the opposite sex? I must have missed that part of your post. You don’t have to re-explain.

It really makes no difference if your wife comes on the forum or not and regardless of her opinion, I’m obviously not the one who needs the reassuring or the acceptance of your lifestyle but you ask the question so why do you feel the need to have me reassured or accept your lifestyle choice? It really shouldn’t offend you if I accept your lifestyle or not. I do have that right.

 

[peace2u2]

Because I’m attracted to the opposite sex, too! I’ve mentioned that once or twice.

Are you expecting everyone with any hint of SSA to live without any romantic relationships?

There’s a difference between being tempted and sinning. As for the difference between being tempted and “falling into temptation”, can you explain what you mean by this? What reason do you have to believe that all people with SSA have “fallen into temptation”?

I’m amazed at the amount of time that a married man with children can spend on the computer…I have family obligations and need to get on with the day so I just really don’t have the time to devote to this thread so good luck to you in your journey and may you find peace along with the joy you have found.

“Joy is not in things, it is in us” - Robert Wagner.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I am just puzzled about why a person who has SSA would even want to marry someone of the opposite sex?

Because I fell passionately in love with a beautiful and holy daughter of God! :extrahappy:

 

[CopticChristian]

CopticChristian,

My son,

I find your insinuations offensive and in need of explanation…

You have a different perspective than SMGS127, and I think there are some interesting points you are bringing up in your conversation with her. However, there is no way she can hear these points, because your tone is quite rude, and you appear to be passive aggressive and outright aggressive at times.

I agree that we all have a different perspective. You state that my tone is rude and passive aggressive as well as outright aggressive. I ask you to explain how it is you can subjectively determine anything about any of this from what is written. I believe that this is offensive. I believe that you subjectively believe whatever is written is whatever it is you believe it to be and then project that as something that is relevant. Explain your methodology in discerning and insulting me.

I have taken creative writing classes and was destined for the creative writing school in Iowa prior to embarking on a career in science and I did a little research concerning the determination of what you call tone and the ability to discern anything as you say…see here…

community.write.com/topic/310-determining-an-authors-tone/

The irony of this topic is that the reader’s take on tone is subjective and is often interpreted individually.

Offer your methodology or retract the insult please.

Moreover, your writing here seems to suggest that SMGS127 has some duty to you to support all her views with documentation. She has no such duty. She can say things as she sees it, and does not deserve to be ridiculed if she chooses to do so. This is not a court of law, and you have no right to be outraged if she does not look at every link in a website you have posted.

I, as you should expect that anyone that states something as fact and offers advice should be able to support that fact as true with support prior to offering any advice. I find it odd that you are rescuing SMGS127, do you not? SMGS127 should be able to speak for SMG. Show me the ridicule. To ask anyone to answer a question is not to ridicule. To state an alternate point of view is not ridicule. Where do you see outrage. I never stated this. I stated sadness and grieving. You have read into this your subjective point of view.

The point I am making here, in microcosm, is one of the points of this thread. The Truth does not change, but our methods of expressing the truth do sometimes need to change. Alienating gay people is not a way to bring them to the Truth. I’m sure you would say that you love gay people and long for their conversion. Well, if that’s the case, then I suppose the first gay person you would show love to is the one right in front of you, no?

This is an enigma. What is it you are trying to say here? Who is gay? I am to know that or assume that and if so are you suggesting special treatment and consideration for someone that may or may not have an orientation I am not aware of nor care to know about. I have no need to know anyone’s sexual orientation unless they choose to tell me and even if they tell me that does not change my interaction. Are you suggesting special treatment?

But there is a gay person right in front of you, my brother. It’s SMGS127. What are you doing to show love to her?

I take issue with saying that someone that identifies as Catholic, a convert from Methodism, someone that says that they have experience in a gay community, someone that was baptized, a new creation, someone that was declared to be a child of God and now that they are…you want me to look at them, and see gay…are you kidding me?

Do you want me to look and see gay?

or

Do you want me to see a child of God?

What you once were, you no longer are, for don’t you know that we were baptized into Christ Jesus, buried with him and raised with him so that you may put on Christ and abandon what you once were for what you may now become…

help me out here, have I missed something?

For a little help let us look at a contemporary view of what I am trying to say…if you can imagine that Jesus was the Backstreet boys…listen to what he says about whatever it is you did, where you are from, and the only thing you have to do is love Him…how does this sound…

youtube.com/watch?v=8MIBELFORTk

 

[SMGS127]

This is where I am struggling understanding SSA and marriage. Why would someone who is attracted to someone of the same sex marry someone of the opposite sex?

First off, many people are attracted to both sexes; some estimates range that those with both SSAs and OSAs roughly equal those who only have SSAs. Speaking as someone who has significantly stronger SSAs as well, this idea that I wouldn’t date a guy due to my SSAs is also the idea that the gay community likes to propagate, that your physical interest is the #1 most important possible thing you can ever have in your relationship.

Honestly? I may not have had the physical raw passion with my ex-boyfriends that I did with my ex-girlfriends, but I still enjoyed the relationships. And the fact that one keeps me in a state of grace while the other leads me into sin helps keep me ‘straight’ and narrow (pardon the pun ) too!

 

[Glad2behome]

This saddens me.

If one thinks that SSA is comparable to drug addiction and alcoholism, then don’t show the same love and compassion to the person with SSA as they would with the drug addict or drunk.

I think that to tell someone with SSA all of sudden they can stop having SSA…well you are wrong. Even Bishop Fulton Sheen said you could NEVER drive addiction! youtube.com/watch?v=x7OdSU9zmkc

 

[Prodigal_Son]

My son,

I find your insinuations offensive and in need of explanation…

I agree that we all have a different perspective. You state that my tone is rude and passive aggressive as well as outright aggressive. I ask you to explain how it is you can subjectively determine anything about any of this from what is written.

I provide several excerpts from your comments below:

I am doubly grieved that you did not address me directly rather you placed your response to me within a response to another…am I not worthy of your personal attention?

Asking a question without giving me the opportunity to answer and then answering it yourself speaks poorly for an intellectually understandable reason for your opinion.

Again? Do you believe that you have proved something and made a point so as to be so condescending to say “again”? You have proved nothing and again suggests you know not what you think you have proved. You further your condemnation of lack of understanding by suggesting what “we” should do and what “we” should teach.

Spend some time learning about what it is you think you know about behavior and next time offered an opportunity to educate and enlighten, please take it seriously….I do….
After spending some time with those that have changed realize that you are Probably Wrong.

Note the bolded text. Apparently if one proves a point sufficiently well, he has earned the right to be condescending. Thanks for letting us know, Dad!

I, as you should expect that anyone that states something as fact and offers advice should be able to support that fact as true with support prior to offering any advice. I find it odd that you are rescuing SMGS127, do you not? SMGS127 should be able to speak for SMG.

When I feel that a woman is being unfairly treated, I defend her. Perhaps I am sometimes too zealous in doing so. But I think the instinct is a good one.

By the way, I assure you SMGS127 is not simply making an argument on this thread. She is emotionally involved, and I am emotionally involved, because the experience of SSA is not some abstract medical entity for us. And so we bring evidence to bear from our experiences. Some people on this thread recognize that our evidence is valuable, even if they disagree with us. And look – I disagree with SMGS about a bunch of things, but I respect that she has had different experiences than I have, and this experience counts as evidence.

Do you want me to look and see gay?

“Gay” is an adjective, where I come from. It means “having strong and exclusive attractions to people of the same sex”. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay, although I understand that some people with strong and exclusive attractions to people of the same sex don’t call themselves gay. I beg SMGS’s forgiveness is she does not use the term to refer to herself.

However, do consider that the Catholic Catechism refers to “homosexual persons”, and says they are called to chastity. Do you think the Catholic church looks at a person and sees “homosexual”. Of course not. It’s an adjective, like “tall” or “Indian” or “bipolar”. We are called to love all people, regardless of their adjectives.

Do you want me to see a child of God?

Of course! I’m glad we can agree on something.

 

[KateMonday]

I’m married and don’t have SSA. So I can’t say if “we” should be publicly open, because there’s no “me” in that “we.” However, my short answer is: No.

Depends on what “public” is, though. March in a parade? No. Tell your friends and neighbors? No. Tell your spouse before you get married? Maybe. Depends on your relationship.

Maybe???

When I was dating my now-husband, I figured I had to tell him about my struggles with SSA (and he had to tell me about his), because, at the very least, hiding such a thing could easily be grounds for an annulment later…could it not??

One of those multiple-choice test things that our diocese used during the pre-cana process specifically asked about this, and our priest made a point of going over it with us, so that we both knew what we were getting into.

If we, as potential spouses, couldn’t be open about this (assuming it’s a current struggle), then what hope could we have for our marriage???

 

[SMGS127]

Maybe???

When I was dating my now-husband, I figured I had to tell him about my struggles with SSA (and he had to tell me about his), because, at the very least, hiding such a thing could easily be grounds for an annulment later…could it not??

One of those multiple-choice test things that our diocese used during the pre-cana process specifically asked about this, and our priest made a point of going over it with us, so that we both knew what we were getting into.

If we, as potential spouses, couldn’t be open about this (assuming it’s a current struggle), then what hope could we have for our marriage???

If I’m reading your post correctly, both you and your husband struggle with SSA? God bless you both! :angel1:

 

[KateMonday]

If I’m reading your post correctly, both you and your husband struggle with SSA? God bless you both! :angel1:

Yes, we do. He has posted in this thread earlier, as “Boundless”.

 

[Mickey]

The monastic rule of St. Joseph Volotsky warned against homosexual temptation as well as outlined in the ordinances that guided the governing of monasteries. For example, one rule stated: “…it is not proper for beardless boys to live in the monastery and concerning other necessary causes,” clearly a recognition that some monks struggled with same-sex desire, and by prohibiting young boys from monastic life, tempation would be easier to manage. Other counsels include: “In wanting to be saved, therefore, let us move far away from them as from a flame. Let us not turn towards them in a house or in a place where no one sees us. Let us sit far away from them on benches … lest in some way looking in their faces, we get the seed of lust from the Adversary … Let us not believe the deceitful thought, which suggests to us that this is not tempting” St. Ephraim wrote: “It is a great calamity for boys to be in a coenobium. Even if we converse with them about chastity, we are stabbed in the heart” (Volotsky, Ninth Discourse).
antiochian.org/node/17905

 

[on_the_hill]

Maybe???

When I was dating my now-husband, I figured I had to tell him about my struggles with SSA (and he had to tell me about his), because, at the very least, hiding such a thing could easily be grounds for an annulment later…could it not??

Yes, maybe. It depends on how intense the SSA is, and how far in the past it was, or if it’s still present in your life, etc.

 

[SMGS127]

Yes, maybe. It depends on how intense the SSA is, and how far in the past it was, or if it’s still present in your life, etc.

How far in the past…SSA is? SSA is permanent. Maybe you mean the same-sex activities? If so, we’re more discussing the continuing struggle that everyone who has strong SSA deals with on a daily basis than their past life. I can’t see a scenario where someone wouldn’t mention it to their fiance/e unless, as you said, their SSA just weren’t intense, but then would it really be a struggle in the first place?

I think the OP’s intent is to make it so that men with very strong SSA have a counter voice to the homosexual ‘rights’ movement other than “you need to stop feeling that way.” The ultimate goal is to keep kids with SSA from ever entering into the lifestyle in the first place. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t know that homosexual behavior is really that big of a threat for people who only have mild SSA (but then again, experimenting has become a huge problem recently )