Married one month and already troubles

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Hello everyone. Well, my wife and I have been married one month. She is 24 and I am 25. It just isn’t the same as it was before we were married. She seems to have changed already. She says she just isn’t happy about anything. She says she is trying to get used to living with someone else. She also says she misses home. We live 3 hours from our hometowns. We would like to move back but we really like our jobs and it would be tough to get jobs like we have now if we moved back. She misses her friends and family. She knew all of this before we got married though. She knew she would be away from family and friends. Each and every day it seems we argue about all of this. I thought marriage was going to be happiness almost everyday. I love being married, but since she isn’t happy, I am not happy. It is all very confusing because we had a beautiful wedding and it all went so smooth. Now, it seems to be going downhill and it shouldnt be. I was just curious if anyone else has gone through this? Thank you.
 
This is perfectly normal. Adjusting to living together takes time (in our case, it took about a year), especially if you have been used to living by yourself.

I am guessing that she didn’t expect the amount of housework and meal preparation that two people seem to generate, as opposed to just one person living alone. I know I was really surprised that having just one more person in the house was like ten times the amount of work, it seemed like - every time I turned around, something was out of place, or used up, and I’d have to get out the cleaning supplies, or go shopping - it didn’t seem like there was ever any time to sit down and relax.

It can be very stressful at first, having to plan around another person’s activities - for example, knowing what time to put dinner on the table, as opposed to just eating dinner whenever you want to.

What you probably need to do is just find out the root cause, and see what you both can do to accomodate the adjustment.

Find out what her specific complaints are (example: maybe she says, “I wash the dishes and leave a sparkling clean sink, go out to do a bit of shopping, and come back to a sink full of coffee cups and snack plates - it’s very frustrating for me - how does one man drink from so many coffee cups and have so many snacks in one short hour?” Whereas you are maybe thinking, “Oh, she did the dishes. Now there is finally room in the sink for those coffee cups and snack plates that are piling up here next to my TV chair - she will be pleased when she gets home that I have tidied up the TV room and put the dishes in the sink.”).

Also, I seem to remember not getting much sleep in the first year of marriage, not only for the obvious reason, but also just because it was a new bed, a new house, and getting used to sleeping next to another person. Lack of sleep can also make a person feel a bit cranky.
 
JMJ01 said:
Hello everyone. Well, my wife and I have been married one month. She is 24 and I am 25. It just isn’t the same as it was before we were married. She seems to have changed already. She says she just isn’t happy about anything.

Anything at all?

She says she is trying to get used to living with someone else.
**
That can be a major adjustment for a lot of people**

She also says she misses home.

Normal

We live 3 hours from our hometowns. We would like to move back but we really like our jobs and it would be tough to get jobs like we have now if we moved back. She misses her friends and family. She knew all of this before we got married though.

Knowing something and experiencing it are two different things

She knew she would be away from family and friends. Each and every day it seems we argue about all of this.

Argue about what exactly? She is having a hard time…what causes there to be an argument instead of a hug???

I thought marriage was going to be happiness almost everyday.

WHOA!!! beep beep beep…danger will robinson, lol. Marriage is definitely NOT happiness everyday. If you hold yourselves up to that expectation you are going to be sorely disappointed in no time.

I love being married, but since she isn’t happy, I am not happy. It is all very confusing because we had a beautiful wedding and it all went so smooth.

A beautiful smooth wedding DAY does not predict the “happiness” of a marriage. Level of commitment and self sacrifice are what let you know how good you’ll do.

Now, it seems to be going downhill and it shouldnt be.

Says who? Are you saying she shouldn’t be sad about the things you mentioned? And if there is any unhappiness in dealing with the newness of being married it is nothing that can’t be helped by being compassionate and loving instead of clinging to your idea of how things should be going. She needs you to understand that it’s ok for her to be sad, that it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or want to be married. That it’ll pass. And that you will be there to help her through it with love, not arguments.

I was just curious if anyone else has gone through this? Thank you.
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There is going to be an adjustment period for both of you. This is coming from someone who knows. I was homesick and missed my family, too.:bighanky: I felt pretty isolated because I didn’t know anyone where we lived and we worked opposite schedules. As odd as it sounds, sleeping in the same bed with someone and having to share my personal space with a guy took some getting used to. 😊 Just keep the lines of communication open and spend as much time with her as possible. Just make sure she knows you love her.
 
JMJ01 said:
Hello everyone. Well, my wife and I have been married one month. She is 24 and I am 25. It just isn’t the same as it was before we were married. She seems to have changed already. She says she just isn’t happy about anything. She says she is trying to get used to living with someone else. She also says she misses home. We live 3 hours from our hometowns. We would like to move back but we really like our jobs and it would be tough to get jobs like we have now if we moved back. She misses her friends and family. She knew all of this before we got married though. She knew she would be away from family and friends. Each and every day it seems we argue about all of this. I thought marriage was going to be happiness almost everyday. I love being married, but since she isn’t happy, I am not happy. It is all very confusing because we had a beautiful wedding and it all went so smooth. Now, it seems to be going downhill and it shouldnt be. I was just curious if anyone else has gone through this? Thank you.
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Hi.

Although it was a LONG time ago that I was married, I had always lived at home, through college, and we moved about a two days drive away for my husband’s grad school. I was very close to my parents, we knew absolutely no one in the new city, and visits home were difficult due to finances and the time involved. So, I have an idea of what you’re talking about. Also - my younger daughter and her new husband just married this past summer and are now living halfway across the country.

The first year is very tough; there are so many adjustments. It certainly takes time to get used to being with someone else every day, no matter how long you dated. (Sounds as if you did NOT live together before marriage - good for you!)

You’ve both got to realize that marriage is not a fairytale - it is real life; that’s likely the first thing you’ve both got to accept. Marriage is hard work - you’ve got to think of the other person, you can’t always do what you want, you must manage finances, family relationships, etc. It is a BIG change. While your wife knew that you’d be away from home, the reality has set in. It is understandable that she would miss her friends and family - it would be odd if she didn’t. However, she is now a wife and must realize that your relationship is primary.

But, three hours isn’t that far away (I’d have LOVED if we had ever been able to be within three hours of home, but my husband’s job has kept us 1500 miles from home for 34 years.) You’ll still be able to visit fairly regularly, get home for holidays, etc. It seems like a really good distance, to be honest; I think it is very important that a newly married couple - particularly a young couple such as yourselves - have a little distance between them and family; believe me, you may come to appreciate it!

Just talk to your wife - the communication is so very important. Is there a support system for young marrieds at your church? Are there slightly older couples you can talk to about this? Do you have older siblings who are married and could share their experiences? Believe me, this is not at all out of the ordinary. If you keep the lines of communication open and work out a way to address both of your concerns, you can work through this period of adjustment (one month is still a very new newlywed!)

I’ll say a prayer for both of you, and please post here whenever you need; you’ll get lots of great advice.
 
I cried every day the first year of our marriage because I too had lived on my own for quite a while and adjusting to living with a man was harder than I had expected it to be. I too was isolated from everyone and everything I’d been used to and loved. So, as others have said, your situation isn’t all that unusual.

What you need to do when your new wife starts to cry and voice her feelings about how lonely, sad, disoriented, etc. she feels is take her in your arms, hug her sweetly and ask her how you can make things better. She may not have any ideas to share–she probably just wants reassurance that you love her and that things will get better. You can assure her of both, because you do love her and things will get better.

A few suggestions: Try to get involved in your new parish and other community events so you can meet new people. Email/phone loved ones you miss and talk to them often. Start a project together you both would like to do. IOW, don’t brood on your difficulties, but give yourselves time to adjust to your new surroundings and people.
 
This Sunday, sit down and read the bulletin. Find a group, class, volunteer opportunity, Bible study - something that you and she can join.

After Mass, go to the coffee and doughnuts and introduce yourselves to people!

If the Parish has RCIA, that is a great place to volunteer and to meet other people who are new to the Parish.

Reach out to your Catholic family.

Also, get to know your neighbors. Buy a bottle of wine or bake some cookies and knock on the doors, introduce yourselves.

Last, if someone told you marriage was going to be happy every day, find them and smack them upside the head! They lied to you, nothing is happiness every day.
 
Thank you all so much for responding. Wow, this site really is great. Sounds to me like my wife and I’s situation is pretty normal then. Well, hope you all have a great weekend and thanks again.
 
I am a newlywed, too, and although my husband and I had dated for 12 years previous, living together was a whole different can of worms–for both of us.

We’ve been married for just over four months now, and we are JUST NOW hitting our stride. Last week we went the whole week without fighting: a huge milestone.

It has been very, very, very difficult. We have begun going to couples therapy, which has been tremendously helpful. Having a third party mediate our disagreements somehow makes it easier to understand the other partner’s point of view. I highly recommend therapy, if it’s at all possible for you.

Please don’t misunderstand me: my husband is the love of my life. But living with another person, especially one you love so much, can be soooo hard in the beginning.

You aren’t alone at all. Hang in there. It gets better, and you will find your footing.

*Stella
 
We were the exact same age as the OP and spouse when we were married. The first 6 months of our marriage were the toughest of our (now) 20 year marriage. It IS hard learning to live intimately with another human being. Be patient and don’t pack away your sense of humor. Do enjoy the freedom of having no kids yet to try some spontaneous outings, trips, dates, new hobbies, sports, etc.
 
sweetheart,
when I was first married , young and fresh out of college, we too had a great wedding and great honeymoon etc… then we got home and suddenly I found myself picking fights with my hubby all the time. this lasted only a few months. I finnally realized that It was all my nerves just building up. The whole , forever part starts to ring in your head and then hubby does something a little annoying and you think , I’m stuck!!! I can’t just turn around and walk out the door.
But don’t worry , after the nerves settle she’ll come around.
In the mean time, clean up after yourself!!! I know that is sooo stereo typical but lets face it,when women get married autopilot kicks in and most of the chores become her responsibility. Plus her day job. Just try to be supportive and loving.
Don’t worry, I think a lot of newleyweds go through this.
 
One thing you men need to know is that when your woman is upset or sad about something, it is not necessary for you to solve the problem. When faced with a problem, men tend to look for a solution, while your woman really just wants your sympathy and reassurance. Just voice your sympathy and give her lots of hugs and affection. Tell her you will get through it and it will all be ok.
 
Della said:
What you need to do when your new wife starts to cry and voice her feelings about how lonely, sad, disoriented, etc. she feels is take her in your arms, hug her sweetly and ask her how you can make things better. She may not have any ideas to share–she probably just wants reassurance that you love her and that things will get better. You can assure her of both, because you do love her and things will get better.
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This is excellent advice! My husband could have written your post a year ago. If your wife is anything like me, she just wants you to reassure her that marrying you wasn’t such a crazy thing after all. 😉
 
The Christian marriage is not at all the same as the wedding or the honeymoon. Everyday living is less about gushing happiness, and more about surmounting the challenges of ordinary life.

When we mature from children to adults, we learn that there is great joy and satisfaction to be found, in the simple and successful achievement of basic life tasks. Painting the kitchen, cutting the grass, or cleaning the house are dull and mundane tasks, that give us a brighter, and more satisfying life, through their completion.

No one promised constant happiness and amusement. That would be a false prediction, if they did.

A decent place to live, good jobs, and marriage are a great begiining to building a wonderful life together.

Focus on enjoying the positive and overcoming the negative.

Life is good, with the strong likelihood of getting even better.
 
It sounds like a case of home sickness. When i first moved out of my parents house i was really homesick and i only lived 3 minutes away from home!! 3 hours is quiet far away for a day trip can you suggest going down for a weekend or maybe them coming over for a weekend? Maybe you could do it as a suprise!! Would be very romantic
 
Dear JMJ01

I am very sorry you and your wife are having such a rocky start to your marriage and pleased that you are getting some very good information about your situation and advice on how to handle it and improve things.

Think you both need to keep in mind that even happy events and their consequences are stressful and may push our coping skills as much as unhappy events. That’s why good events such as marriage, a new job, a new baby give us stress points as does a death in the family or losing a job.

As someone who has never married and since I left home have only lived with other people in a flatting-like situation for two years, I’m probably not the best person to give advice. In fact, one reason I haven’t married is because I like being able to do what I want when I want to do it too much.

Think a lot of the suggestions you have been given will help, including being open with each other about you feel. Also celebrate the good days, the tasks done together.

Also I know what it is like to live in a family where the parents had not resolved issues like these - took my parents about 20 years to resolve them. Not helped by the fact I was an only with few close relations living nearby.
 
You sound a little frustrated my friend, I believe I might have a tad bit of experience here.

I moved my wife 2,000 miles away from the home she lived in till she was in her mid 20’s.

Do Not get frustrated and get angry with her when she cries and vents to or at you. She might raise her voice, but stay calm be the man and do not escalate the problem by showing anger yourself.

Do Not get angry and walk away or leave the house. Really, do not leave the house…that’s a big mistake, shows her you may give up.

Do Not let fighting think that your marriage is already headed downhill. Minimize the fighting between yourselves, learn to recognize when you should walk away and live to fight another day. Me and my wife usually go at it about once a month if that, and it’s usually because of that female time of the month thing. And it’s never serious.

I’ve learned to recognize the things my wife says and does when she’s getting home sick or upset about something. I’ve been pretty good at keeping her happy with where we are, I remind her why we are here and if I feel like I need to, I get her out of the house.

If she’s too far down the road and venting pretty heavily, I just stand there and take it. I’ll let her get out the frustration and if I’m starting to get a little frustrated by it I hold it in until I can go vent my frustrations the way I like to.

But, keep in mind women can be extremely different from one to the next and none of this may be of any use to you.

I could not be any happier with my marriage though, of course she is a heck of a cook.
 
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