Married people: Ideal gap

[SMHW]

If you are married, what do you consider the ideal gap in age between spouses? Base it on your own experience and what you have observed.

Well, my husband and I are two years apart and that works well for us. But I know so many couples that have greater or lessor age spans (with either gender being the elder) that I can’t imagine there being an absolute ideal.

For most couples I don’t think the actual number of years difference matters so much as does the percentage of the difference in years compared to the age of the couple.

In general, I’d say the age gap between an 19 year old and a 22 year old is more significant than the gap between a 27 year old and a 37 year old.

 

[SeekerJen]

In general, I’d say the age gap between an 19 year old and a 22 year old is more significant than the gap between a 27 year old and a 37 year old.

Agreed. My husband is three years older than me. That would have been a big difference if we were 18 and 21, but at 30 and 33 we might as well be the same age.

My cousin is 15 years younger than her husband. They’ve been married for (I think) 15 years now and have three daughters. The age difference hasn’t been an issue for them.

 

[Nepenthe]

Yep, as of June, Mirdath will be only 18 years younger than me. So all you young guys out there - don’t write off us cougars! You couldn’t ask for a happier relationship than Mirdath’s and mine, so keep your mind open - you never know when you’ll stumble across the love of your life!

 

[stayathomemommy]

i am a woman and I said the man should be one to 5 years older but i dont think the man needs to be older it was just the closest choice.

I think 1 to 5 years apart might be ideal. i am only 4 months older then my hubby. we graduated together and are of the same “generation” i think that is key. my sister who is married to someone 11 years older sometimes has problems because not only are they different but they were raised at a different time period and i think its hard for them sometimes.

for the most part age means very little but i guess it helps when you remember the same songs from your childhood and can connect about when gas was only a $1. If my husband went around saying, “when i was a kid candy was only 10cents” i would feel like i was talking to my dad?

 

[stayathomemommy]

oh dear i see a lot of people with 10 or more age gaps. let me say again AGE DOESNT MATTER!!! and i think in my sisters case there are lots of other issues that cause there marriage problems.

Personality and maturity are what matters most. I was very mature at 19 so i could have married a guy in his mid 20’s and been fine. Luckily my husband was very mature at 19 so we both made good decisions once we were married.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

It

  just

          doesn't


                     matter.

 

[AHapka]

We are all so different that you can’t make a blanket generalization.

I’m 3 years older than my wife (33/30). I know some guys my own age who aren’t mature enought to marry ANYONE of any age. So the age difference wouldn’t matter…they just shouldn’t get married (in my opinion).

There are so many things to consider about a potential spouse, that age would be one of the last.

I’d marry a woman 20 years my senior who had faith, stability, sure of herself, love, a big heart, caring…etc… before I’d marry someone my own age who had none.

 

[sarahraegraham]

I always shake my head when people ask this question or others like it. I definitely see the logic behind asking it, but in real life with real people there are so many different factors that add up to a complete relationship.

I am one of the oddballs (though I see there are more than I thought) with a large age gap of 19 years. What makes my story a little more interesting is that I am only 24 years old. We met when I was 16 and he was 35. We were married when I was 19, and “re-married” when we entered the Church last year. We have issues like everyone else, and some do relate to the age difference as far as our outlook on the future goes in some areas (i.e., he’s thinking about trying to decide what age to retire at and I’m debating whether or not to go back to school! lol). But there are many great things we offer to each other and our relationship that couples who are closer in age don’t… He opens my eyes to start thinking about the broader and more complex facets of life and I help him relax and enjoy things in the moment and to not be afraid to act like a kid again. If I ever have a daughter of my own would I recommend that she do what I did? Absolutely not. But does God work in mysterious ways? Absolutely yes. Were it not for my husband I would not know Jesus. And if it weren’t for me, my husband would not today be Catholic! Some have been disturbed by our history together, and we both admit that we got together for the wrong reasons (and I was not a victim, but a very willing accomplice), but it was most definitely God who knew what he was doing. Even though we are so far apart in physical age, we are so close in spirit and heart. Our souls are eternal and age will not matter in heaven.

 

[KCtheMommy]

I don’t think there’s a universal “ideal”… each couple is unique.

I think my marriage is wonderful… DH is 10 years older than me…
But everyone else’s marriage is totally independent of ours… so again, no universal ideal number!

EXACTLY. My husband is 3 months younger, but previous to our dating, and even after – we reunited, I was “typically” attracted to men older than me. It’s rather funny to everyone that I married a fella younger.

There is no age that’s appropriate, you marry when you love, age doesn’t matter.

 

[stbruno]

women outlive men traditionally. So I see nothing wrong with marrying a woman 1 to 5 yrs. older. It works perfectly in our relationship and it’s been over 30 years that we have been together.

 

[deb1]

Yep, as of June, Mirdath will be only 18 years younger than me. So all you young guys out there - don’t write off us cougars! You couldn’t ask for a happier relationship than Mirdath’s and mine, so keep your mind open - you never know when you’ll stumble across the love of your life!

I’ve seen your wedding pictures. You certainly don’t look older then Mirdath.

Maturity of the individuals matter more then age.

 

[Guitar]

II am one of the oddballs (though I see there are more than I thought) with a large age gap of 19 years. What makes my story a little more interesting is that I am only 24 years old. We met when I was 16 and he was 35.

Well there are at least three oddball couples in this thread, then. My gap is 17.5 years and my H is closer to my mother in age than to me. Nepenthe and Mirdath have the same-ish gap, and there’s you two. I was 18 when we met and 20 when we married. Friends of ours have a gap of more like 25 years and one other couple - both very unusual people who are perfectly suited to each other and have a rock-solid marriage - have a gap of between 35-40 years.

 

[dulcissima]

I don’t think I could answer your poll. While age is not on my list of priorities when I do get to the point where I am looking to date, there isn’t a particular age gap that I would say is “ideal”.

First, in just looking at who I am…I am 41, I’m healthy and energetic, and I still like to have fun. So, I would not be interested in someone who is “old”, no matter what their age is.

In doing some honest reflecting though on who I am, I realize that I am pretty traditional in that I would want a husband that I could look to for guidance and could respect his wisdom. So, even if he were younger than me, I’d still want him to seem more mature and wise.

 

[MooCowSteph]

I always shake my head when people ask this question or others like it. I definitely see the logic behind asking it, but in real life with real people there are so many different factors that add up to a complete relationship.

I am one of the oddballs (though I see there are more than I thought) with a large age gap of 19 years. What makes my story a little more interesting is that I am only 24 years old. We met when I was 16 and he was 35. We were married when I was 19, and “re-married” when we entered the Church last year. We have issues like everyone else, and some do relate to the age difference as far as our outlook on the future goes in some areas (i.e., he’s thinking about trying to decide what age to retire at and I’m debating whether or not to go back to school! lol). But there are many great things we offer to each other and our relationship that couples who are closer in age don’t… He opens my eyes to start thinking about the broader and more complex facets of life and I help him relax and enjoy things in the moment and to not be afraid to act like a kid again. If I ever have a daughter of my own would I recommend that she do what I did? Absolutely not. But does God work in mysterious ways? Absolutely yes. Were it not for my husband I would not know Jesus. And if it weren’t for me, my husband would not today be Catholic! Some have been disturbed by our history together, and we both admit that we got together for the wrong reasons (and I was not a victim, but a very willing accomplice), but it was most definitely God who knew what he was doing. Even though we are so far apart in physical age, we are so close in spirit and heart. Our souls are eternal and age will not matter in heaven.

I already mentioned that DH is 18 years older than me, but my story sounds similar to yours. I was 17 when I met DH, started dating him at 18. He was 36. Married at 21, and married in the church at 23. Now I’m going on 28 and having our second baby. There have been some rough patches but I don’t think it had anything to do with age. But like you, I would also not recommend my daughters marry someone so much older. The odds are probably against most of these kinds of marriages.