Married people seeing singles as immature

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DarkLight

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I’ve been in the presence of several people who have basically outright stated they don’t feel like unmarried people are as mature as married people. Basically the comment was that marriage is an essential part of maturity because you have to live and work around someone else, whereas a single person cares primarily about themselves. I’ve also had several discussions where it’s either expressed or strongly implied that the reason people aren’t married is that they don’t want to “settle down”. Essentially making assumptions that the primary reason to not seek marriage is that an adult cares too much about partying and other attractions typical of college age life to want to spend time at home with a spouse and family. At the extreme I’ve even seen it presumed that an individual who isn’t seeking marriage is doing so because they enjoy sexual attention without any commitment.

As a single person, I naturally find the implications here rather frustrating. How should one respond to such things?
 
Respond? Maybe with laughter. You would certainly not want to engage in any debate with such rude people.
 
DarkLight said:
I’ve been in the presence of several people who have basically outright stated they don’t feel like unmarried people are as mature as married people. Basically the comment was that marriage is an essential part of maturity because you have to live and work around someone else, whereas a single person cares primarily about themselves. I’ve also had several discussions where it’s either expressed or strongly implied that the reason people aren’t married is that they don’t want to “settle down”. Essentially making assumptions that the primary reason to not seek marriage is that an adult cares too much about partying and other attractions typical of college age life to want to spend time at home with a spouse and family. At the extreme I’ve even seen it presumed that an individual who isn’t seeking marriage is doing so because they enjoy sexual attention without any commitment.

As a single person, I naturally find the implications here rather frustrating. How should one respond to such things?
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I’m not sure what response really could work. It get tiredsome that people make such stupid blanket assumptions of others as to why they are single, why they don’t have children, and why this or why that. In societal trends, young people are more often delaying getting married and can many times come off as irresponsible and carefree. Maybe you could say to these types of people, “you must still wish to be single then so you can goof off like me?” then tell them to stick it in their pipe and smoke it.
 
DarkLight said:
I’ve been in the presence of several people who have basically outright stated they don’t feel like unmarried people are as mature as married people. Basically the comment was that marriage is an essential part of maturity because you have to live and work around someone else, whereas a single person cares primarily about themselves. I’ve also had several discussions where it’s either expressed or strongly implied that the reason people aren’t married is that they don’t want to “settle down”. Essentially making assumptions that the primary reason to not seek marriage is that an adult cares too much about partying and other attractions typical of college age life to want to spend time at home with a spouse and family. At the extreme I’ve even seen it presumed that an individual who isn’t seeking marriage is doing so because they enjoy sexual attention without any commitment.

As a single person, I naturally find the implications here rather frustrating. How should one respond to such things?
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Whoever is making that statement is laughably mistaken…dont give them any time or attention.
 
There are some single people who are seemingly a bit immature, want sexual relationships but without commitment. Sadly, these can give all the rest of us a bad name.

You might not be like that, so it´s unfortunate you get lumped in with those, in that stereotype.

I´m single, myself, but would like to be in a relationship, but due to having a disability, possibly other reasons, it´s been hard.

How can you respond to them? You can agree…say that there are indeed some singles who are very immature, don´t want to marry…ever…just want to play the field forever, never take on any commitment or grown-up responsibilities, just want sex, and that´s about the extent of it…extraordinarily immature and irresponsible, just using people. When they finish, they just toss that person aside, move on to the next conquest.

You can say you don´t believe you are part of that crowd for…x, y, and z…maybe that you’d like to be in a relationship, can´t find the right kind of partner…one who would be…and you can say your criteria.

I’ve known some single folks who have WANTED to be in a relationship but can’t find the right guy/girl, because they are looking for a good, practicing Catholic who lives the faith. Those can seem like “hen’s teeth” to find!

I don´t know if a lot of married folks can fully appreciate just how hard it is to try to find someone who…believes in God, is a practicing Catholic.

Since Catholics are in the minority in much of the places, it can be quite tough, and compatibility is another factor. Some people have been lucky in finding someone. Others, wonderful people, can be single for decades, never find that person.

I have known many people that I look at and wonder why those people are single! It´s just one of those things. Sometimes, they will say they just couldn´t find that right person.
 
DarkLight said:
I’ve been in the presence of several people who have basically outright stated they don’t feel like unmarried people are as mature as married people. Basically the comment was that marriage is an essential part of maturity because you have to live and work around someone else, whereas a single person cares primarily about themselves. I’ve also had several discussions where it’s either expressed or strongly implied that the reason people aren’t married is that they don’t want to “settle down”. Essentially making assumptions that the primary reason to not seek marriage is that an adult cares too much about partying and other attractions typical of college age life to want to spend time at home with a spouse and family. At the extreme I’ve even seen it presumed that an individual who isn’t seeking marriage is doing so because they enjoy sexual attention without any commitment.

As a single person, I naturally find the implications here rather frustrating. How should one respond to such things?
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Well, like a good Catholic, understanding on both ends is important.

As a married person myself, I don’t see single people in some large group along the lines of identity politics or stereotypes.

Now, having said that, there are a lot of people who remain single for selfish reasons or because they can’t find a date and want to have a big pity party.

And look, a lot of people DO choose to stay single in order to party and have sex with different people and won’t even bother to discern their vocation in life. That’s what bothers me. After I got married, I had to stop hanging out with some single people because they didn’t respect/understand my marriage and wanted to party.

If you’re being misidentified somehow, you have every right to correct such misconceptions. :yup:

But it doesn’t have to be like that. My wife and I go out with single people a lot.
 
Well, it’s certainly not for lack of trying that I’m still single. What I say when I encounter such people is simply this: “You’re right, I absolutely agree with you. Do you know of any eligible women I should know about?,” and put the onus on them to demonstrate to me where the eligible women are - since, according to them, laziness and immaturity has got to be the real reason why I’m still single. :rolleyes:
 
ClearWater said:
I’ve known some single folks who have WANTED to be in a relationship but can’t find the right guy/girl, because they are looking for a good, practicing Catholic who lives the faith. Those can seem like “hen’s teeth” to find!

I don´t know if a lot of married folks can fully appreciate just how hard it is to try to find someone who…believes in God, is a practicing Catholic.
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+1
 
I think it’s especially bad for those of us who may have various reasons to choose a single life that (at least I hope) aren’t immature. I feel like people are more understanding of those who just haven’t found the right person. But it’s not ok to be content being single and not looking

I’m honestly not particularly attracted to men, and I think it would be a mistake to try to push myself into a relationship that I wouldn’t be interested in. I’ve certainly thought of joining an order but I was advised that it would be best to live a few years as a Catholic (since I’m a convert) before beginning anything. I would also like to settle a few health problems better before I start any serious investigation.

I don’t think any of that by itself is immature. I don’t want to marry or have a family, but that doesn’t mean I’m avoiding the responsibilities of adult life. I’m hardly a partier or a heavy drinker, and I don’t flirt. I try to be involved with parish life and other ministries where I can. A lot of my energy right now is spent on trying to stabilize health problems, though you wouldn’t notice anything looking at me. And of course I’ve spent a lot of time in grad school plus am planning on going back, which takes up a LOT of time and energy, much more so than undergrad ever did. And with disability there’s a lot of little things that are even harder being single, simply because there’s no one around to take a little bit of the load off when you’re at your worst.

I feel like a lot of married people, especially those who married right out of college, mentally “fill in” my life with the sorts of activities they did in college. Which just isn’t the case.
 
I’m old enough to notice that no matter what you do or what you are, somebody is going to assume something negative about you.

Married with no kids or few kids - must be using artificial birth control
Married with a lot of kids - don’t they know what causes that?
Single - something is wrong with you, gay

Divorced - something is wrong with you, gay

Well you get the picture
 
randomuser said:
Well, it’s certainly not for lack of trying that I’m still single. What I say when I encounter such people is simply this: “You’re right, I absolutely agree with you. Do you know of any eligible women I should know about?,” and put the onus on them to demonstrate to me where the eligible women are - since, according to them, laziness and immaturity has got to be the real reason why I’m still single. :rolleyes:
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👍
 
Sarcelle said:
I’m old enough to notice that no matter what you do or what you are, somebody is going to assume something negative about you.

Married with no kids or few kids - must be using artificial birth control
Married with a lot of kids - don’t they know what causes that?
Single - something is wrong with you, gay

Divorced - something is wrong with you, gay

Well you get the picture
Click to expand...
😉

Yeah, no matter what we do, somebody will be unhappy. “We can please some of the people some of the time, but we can’t please all of the people all of the time”!
 
DarkLight said:
Doesn’t help when the bolded is entirely true and one is trying to live as a faithful, chaste Catholic.
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Yeah, it can’t be easy for you.

I guess it comes with the territory.

I think even the Holy Family had to wrestle with what people thought. Consider that Mary was a virgin when she was betrothed to Joseph, and yet she was pregnant. Joseph was going to break off the engagement.

Also, who knows what everyone else was thinking of all this, as well. They could have even thought a lot of terrible, untrue, things about the Blessed Virgin Mary, so I don’t know if it’s any consolation, but you’re in good company! 😉

However, you and God know the truth, so that’s your defense. Even if everyone thought you were gay, say, your conscience is clear, and that’s what is most important of all, to be right with God above all things.
 
Sarcelle said:
I’m old enough to notice that no matter what you do or what you are, somebody is going to assume something negative about you.

Married with no kids or few kids - must be using artificial birth control
Married with a lot of kids - don’t they know what causes that?
Single - something is wrong with you, gay

Divorced - something is wrong with you, gay

Well you get the picture
Click to expand...
You know what three letters assume start with. Never assume the why or why nots of anyones life. The more I know, the more I realize I don’t know and the one thing everyone should know is not to judge another until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
 
I’ve certainly come across many married couples who view non-marrieds as “immature”. The usual question is “When are you going to settle down/grow up?”

Not like I am out partying, in fact in my case I spend a majority of my time working or studying. Despite being serious, and dedicated a single person can always be taken for “one o’dem partyin’ selfish whippersnappers”.

Does the addition of a Wedding ring and vows suddenly cause a light year jump that I wasn’t aware of? (I know childbirth can do this, but we’re talking just the marriage fact)
 
Ironically, though I have many times really ENVIED married folks, it came as a shock how many actually envied me! I remember thinking, “WHAT?! You envy ME? Why?!”

I’ve had more than one person say she envied my freedom, that I could do whatever I wanted with my life. However, there were many times I would have gladly traded it to be in a nice marriage.

I had tried SO hard to find a marriage partner that I once went to MatchMaker International…well, called them up. This was around 1990s, and I asked how much they charged, and I was told $600. At that time, it was about 2 month’s rent!

The person pried out of me that I had a disability and wouldn’t, even for that kind of money, help me find a compatible partner!

I tried a lot of other things on my own. I tried placing ads in singles’ columns, but it worked out really poorly. Once, I even went to another country to try to be with someone, with the hope of marrying.

I once went to a Catholic single’s group but didn’t like what I found there.

I’ve read books on relationships and how to get in one. I’ve tried a handicapped introduction service, and none of that helped me.

I don’t know if some realize that often, we ARE trying to get into a marriage.

Some singles, besides trying EHarmony and other things will try to get themselves out there…go to a gym or join a club with the hopes of meeting someone.

Some even lose weight, get a face lift!
 
DarkLight said:
I think it’s especially bad for those of us who may have various reasons to choose a single life that (at least I hope) aren’t immature. I feel like people are more understanding of those who just haven’t found the right person. But it’s not ok to be content being single and not looking

I’m honestly not particularly attracted to men, and I think it would be a mistake to try to push myself into a relationship that I wouldn’t be interested in. I’ve certainly thought of joining an order but I was advised that it would be best to live a few years as a Catholic (since I’m a convert) before beginning anything. I would also like to settle a few health problems better before I start any serious investigation.

I don’t think any of that by itself is immature. I don’t want to marry or have a family, but that doesn’t mean I’m avoiding the responsibilities of adult life. I’m hardly a partier or a heavy drinker, and I don’t flirt. I try to be involved with parish life and other ministries where I can. A lot of my energy right now is spent on trying to stabilize health problems, though you wouldn’t notice anything looking at me. And of course I’ve spent a lot of time in grad school plus am planning on going back, which takes up a LOT of time and energy, much more so than undergrad ever did. And with disability there’s a lot of little things that are even harder being single, simply because there’s no one around to take a little bit of the load off when you’re at your worst.

I feel like a lot of married people, especially those who married right out of college, mentally “fill in” my life with the sorts of activities they did in college. Which just isn’t the case.
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I’m in a similar position, I’m content being single, but am also open to marriage if the right guy came along. Married people sometimes just don’t understand that maybe God doesn’t want some people to be married, or at least at that point in their life. It’s just a portion of married couples that insist that everyone else be just like them to be doing things ‘right’ that’s difficult to put up with, as well as when they ‘feel sorry’ for you when you aren’t just like them. There could be numerous legitimate reasons (health, supporting other family members, disability, etc) why someone may not be married or not seek to marry. As long as one is doing God’s will, you are fine :). Just wish people would stop judging!
 
I have had some friends who are SO nice. Some seem to be workaholics. One goes to school and works as a lab tech. She once had a doctor wanting to date her, but those two could never get their schedules to coordinate to go out on dates!

lol
 
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