Married, so why do I "feel" lonely?

[jmj777]

Firstly, please don’t tell me that the situation could be so much worse and I should be thankful that there’s no abuse or infidelity. I am thankful and maybe I’m just asking for too much.

I know that I’m a very sensitive person and my needs may be unrealistic. Married over 15 years with 4 kids. Husband works stressful job; I’m a SAHM who homeschools. I’ve been feeling lonely in my marriage, like he treats me like a sister who he happens to “get together with” when he feels the need.

I’ve been feeling extremely unattractive as a result. He does not express an interest in me physically like he used to (a slap on the bottom, etc.). I’ve lost a lot of weight and I feel he may not be attracted to me anymore. He doesn’t express interest in me emotionally either.

I’ve become completely obsessed with improving my looks. I’ve started exercising to tone up – perhaps that will make him interested. I’ve overhauled my whole modestwardrobe to try to be more appealing. I’ve recently taken to wearing yoga pants that accentuate my figure and he showed an interest in me on that first day of wearing them. He gave me exactly what I needed that day by showering me with attention, affection, and interest; telling me how nice I looked, etc. So, I know he is *capable *of giving me the attention that I need.

We then talked about “outdoing” the love we show each other, etc. etc. etc. I immediately started to text him loving messages at work and telling him how interested I was in him and how wonderful he was. His responses were more like “me, too.” He came home and spent his time doing yardwork. No special attention, no flirty behavior, nothing. I changed my clothes to something more revealing. No difference.

I feel like a sister who cleans, cooks, cares for the kids; here when he “physically” needs me and then back to a sibling relationship.

He says he hasn’t lost interest in me and that he still loves me. But his actions tell me otherwise. He just shut off, like a light switch. I tell him that the way he treated me on the first “yoga pants” day was exactly what I needed to help arouse my desire and feel wanted. He continues to say he’ll “work” on doing better, but nothing has changed.

I’ve asked him to come to a marriage retreat, spend time away with me, or to see a counselor, so that maybe we could focus on just each other. He says it’s something I need to work out about myself.

I feel so disconnected, so lonely. This situation affects my whole day and mood that I’m crying at the drop of a hat, snapping at the kids, etc. I know the situation can be worse, but I am so confused as to what I feel is his emotional/physical distance.

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[pianistclare]

There is another thread running entitled:
The care and feeding of a stay at home Mom". forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=979972
You might want to go there and read it.

I’ll write more later, You’re in my prayers at Mass tonight.

 

[Xantippe]

Firstly, please don’t tell me that the situation could be so much worse and I should be thankful that there’s no abuse or infidelity. I am thankful and maybe I’m just asking for too much.

I know that I’m a very sensitive person and my needs may be unrealistic. Married over 15 years with 4 kids. Husband works stressful job; I’m a SAHM who homeschools. I’ve been feeling lonely in my marriage, like he treats me like a sister who he happens to “get together with” when he feels the need.

I’ve been feeling extremely unattractive as a result. He does not express an interest in me physically like he used to (a slap on the bottom, etc.). I’ve lost a lot of weight and I feel he may not be attracted to me anymore. He doesn’t express interest in me emotionally either.

I’ve become completely obsessed with improving my looks. I’ve started exercising to tone up – perhaps that will make him interested. I’ve overhauled my whole modestwardrobe to try to be more appealing. I’ve recently taken to wearing yoga pants that accentuate my figure and he showed an interest in me on that first day of wearing them. He gave me exactly what I needed that day by showering me with attention, affection, and interest; telling me how nice I looked, etc. So, I know he is *capable *of giving me the attention that I need.

We then talked about “outdoing” the love we show each other, etc. etc. etc. I immediately started to text him loving messages at work and telling him how interested I was in him and how wonderful he was. His responses were more like “me, too.” He came home and spent his time doing yardwork. No special attention, no flirty behavior, nothing. I changed my clothes to something more revealing. No difference.

I feel like a sister who cleans, cooks, cares for the kids; here when he “physically” needs me and then back to a sibling relationship.

He says he hasn’t lost interest in me and that he still loves me. But his actions tell me otherwise. He just shut off, like a light switch. I tell him that the way he treated me on the first “yoga pants” day was exactly what I needed to help arouse my desire and feel wanted. He continues to say he’ll “work” on doing better, but nothing has changed.

I’ve asked him to come to a marriage retreat, spend time away with me, or to see a counselor, so that maybe we could focus on just each other. He says it’s something I need to work out about myself.

I feel so disconnected, so lonely. This situation affects my whole day and mood that I’m crying at the drop of a hat, snapping at the kids, etc. I know the situation can be worse, but I am so confused as to what I feel is his emotional/physical distance.

Peace.

+JMJ+

1. How about dropping in to the Care and Feeding of SAHM thread?

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=979972

It sounds to me like you may be feeling isolated and that you are expecting your husband to fulfill a lot more of your social needs than is reasonable to expect.

1. I’m a woman, but I would hate all the texting while at work. Let the guy do his job.
2. Also, let him mow the lawn.
3. Can you work on your evening schedule? I would suggest you both getting all ready for bed and being in bed maybe 30-60 minutes before your actual bedtime. Bring a book or whatever, but be prepared to chat or otherwise be distracted.
4. This is a little mean, but you might want to keep a dry erase board on the fridge and do a check mark for every kiss, rub, swat or friendly pat he gives you during the day. If he doesn’t get to five (or whatever) NOPE! Be sweet about explaining the system, of course.
5. Go ahead and schedule some away time with him but don’t expect him to spend the whole time doing stuff with you. Several hours a day is plenty.

 

[TeachCatechism]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

 

[heidi_storage]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

What a nasty post. You have no idea what this husband thinks, and no reason to speculate about whether the OP is a “fat slob” who “satisf[ies]” her husband. OP, not to dismiss your distress (I know you don’t want to hear that you could have it so much worse), but at least you don’t have this ugly, bitter mindset.

 

[TeachCatechism]

What a nasty post. You have no idea what this husband thinks, and no reason to speculate about whether the OP is a “fat slob” who “satisf[ies]” her husband. OP, not to dismiss your distress (I know you don’t want to hear that you could have it so much worse), but at least you don’t have this ugly, bitter mindset.

Yes it was rough but I had the same thing happen to me. An old friend has a wife who is a sahm who homeschools and he’s not attracted to her. He keeps emailing me telling me how he finds her unattractive. Not just looks but intellectual. He’s stressed and she adds to it. I asked how he would feel better and he said if she lost weight and developed outside activities. He’s looking for a mistress because of it.

 

[Xantippe]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

That’s a really gross thing to say, and there’s very little evidence for any of it in the OP–she is working on her appearance, he likes how she looks, and he does desire her–he just doesn’t put a lot of effort into it.

Having been married 17 years myself, I’d say that 15 years is a long time to find one’s spouse endlessly fascinating. Also, there’s the issue of approaching middle age. Men’s testosterone levels drops starting around age 30. Meanwhile, as women head into perimenopause, many of us are experiencing rises in testosterone that make us particularly desirous. That timing (husband less desirous/wife less desirous) can be kind of a bummer, obviously…

So, I think the OP should make an effort not to take this personally. It probably has a lot more to do with environmental issues (work, stress and age) rather than it has to do with her. So she should just put that idea out of her mind.

Definitely take that vacation. And make sure that he gets to do some nice things on the trip just for him. (For example, when my parents went on their 20th anniversary to Hawaii, my dad got to try surfing. He loved it!)

 

[Xantippe]

Yes it was rough but I had the same thing happen to me. An old friend has a wife who is a sahm who homeschools and he’s not attracted to her. He keeps emailing me telling me how he finds her unattractive. Not just looks but intellectual. He’s stressed and she adds to it. I asked how he would feel better and he said if she lost weight and developed outside activities. He’s looking for a mistress because of it.

Your old friend is a big jerk if he’s emailing to a single woman telling her that he finds his wife unattractive and boring.

His wife could look like Jabba the Hutt and it would still be inexcusable.

Oh, and I missed the mistress part.

Your friend is a bad person.

 

[TeachCatechism]

That’s a really gross thing to say, and there’s very little evidence for any of it in the OP–she is working on her appearance, he likes how she looks, and he does desire her–he just doesn’t put a lot of effort into it.

Having been married 17 years myself, I’d say that 15 years is a long time to find one’s spouse endlessly fascinating. Also, there’s the issue of approaching middle age. Men’s testosterone levels drops starting around age 30. Meanwhile, as women head into perimenopause, many of us are experiencing rises in testosterone that make us particularly desirous. That timing (husband less desirous/wife less desirous) can be kind of a bummer, obviously…

So, I think the OP should make an effort not to take this personally. It probably has a lot more to do with environmental issues (work, stress and age) rather than it has to do with her. So she should just put that idea out of her mind.

Definitely take that vacation. And make sure that he gets to do some nice things on the trip just for him. (For example, when my parents went on their 20th anniversary to Hawaii, my dad got to try surfing. He loved it!)

Like I said, I had a friend complain about this wife so it’s more common than you think. It could be coincidence but after dealing with my friend (who keeps wanting to have an affair with me)nothing surprises me. The fact is many men need intellectual stimulation and if they aren’t getting it from the wife they’ll get it elsewhere. That’s why the wife needs outside hobbies, like a job, college or something. My friend’s wife doesn’t do anything but take care of the kids, cook and clean.

 

[Vim71]

He says he hasn’t lost interest in me and that he still loves me. But his actions tell me otherwise. He just shut off, like a light switch. I tell him that the way he treated me on the first “yoga pants” day was exactly what I needed to help arouse my desire and feel wanted. He continues to say he’ll “work” on doing better, but nothing has changed.

I’m no where near an expert in giving advice, but it sounds like the two of you are miscommunication with each other.

He seems to be primarily auditory (Based on your post) and it seems to be the way he expresses love. As a result to him, saying that he loves you is what he does because that’s how he expresses love.

If I had to take a very quick guess based on your post (which does not give me much information about yourself), you seem to be more Kinesthetic since you mention that he used to express his interest in you more physically. Then again, you may also be visual since you mentioned trying to dress differently and enjoying that he noticed. Only you can answer that really though, I’m going by the information you posted.

Most relationships when they begin, couples tend to do everything, they express their love visually (Gifts, Flowers, Cards), via speech (“I love you”, “I miss you”, etc), and by touch (Hand Holding, kissing, etc). Usually overtime as relationships get more comfortable people zone in on just one type of expression that they like.

While I am no expert on relationships, you might want to try to see if being more auditory with him improves things, likewise it might also be beneficial to explain to him what exactly it is that you like, maybe it’s when he notices something about you, maybe it’s something more physical. That will have to be something you find out. The worst thing that can happen is you’ll lose time, so it can’t hurt to try.

I strongly believe though that you both should go to the Marriage Retreat, and I would also recommend talking to a priest if necessary. There’s only so much help strangers on the internet can give you.

Anywho, this is all just my :twocents: and I will say a prayer that things are resolved for you two.

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

This is bait guys. Don’t respond to bait posters.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Your old friend is a big jerk if he’s emailing to a single woman telling her that he finds his wife unattractive and boring.

His wife could look like Jabba the Hutt and it would still be inexcusable.

Oh, and I missed the mistress part.

Your friend is a bad person.

I agree but it is what it is. He only married her because she was what he was seeking: a submissive housewife. In reality he was always in love with me and he knew this was never an option so he found her. He shouldn’t have married her but he did. He’s not Catholic, but Fundamentalist Baptist. I’ve blocked him but no doubt he’s doing it to other women.

 

[TeachCatechism]

This is bait guys. Don’t respond to bait posters.

Because I am stating something that happened to me I am baiting? No, I am being honest, some guys (some women too)get bored easily by people who don’t stimulate them. My friend did. They often want mates who have more in life than the kids.

I am not trying to be nasty just honest.It may not even be her situation but it could be,.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

Really? The OP comes looking for support and perhaps she is a “fat slob” (your words) and “he probably thinks you’re lazy” (again your words).

I think there is one thing in being honest, but it is quite another to be insulting.

Oh, and as for your friend finding a mistress because he is no longer attracted to his wife? Really? Are you okay with your friend and what he is trying to do? Doesn’t sound like Catholic behavior to me.

 

[Lou2U]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

Such charitable advice

My suggestion would to try and stop putting yourself down. Obviously, it’s great when your husband tells you you look attractive, but you’ve got to maintain your self worth by looking attractive to yourself. Start by considering all the good qualities you have. When you have more confidence, it will get noticed by your husband.

I would also suggest you go to counseling, even if it’s just by yourself. If you haven’t spoken to your Priest then I recommend you do so.

Could you try and have a date night with your husband, away from your children? This might help your husband to remember to court you, and make you feel special again.

One last thing - it souds as though your husband is on auto-pilot. Is he working long hours? Could he be stressed? There could be something medical affecting his behaviour right now, which is something to check up on.

Lou

 

[TeachCatechism]

Really? The OP comes looking for support and perhaps she is a “fat slob” (your words) and “he probably thinks you’re lazy” (again your words).

I think there is one thing in being honest, but it is quite another to be insulting.

Oh, and as for your friend finding a mistress because he is no longer attracted to his wife? Really? Are you okay with your friend and what he is trying to do? Doesn’t sound like Catholic behavior to me.

He’s not Catholic and I don’t talk to him anymore. I don’t know if the OP is a fat slob and lazy but this is why my friend (well I really don’t talk to him anymore)lost interest in his wife. Men are visual creatures and if he’s not attracted to his wife he may go elsewhere. I don’t agree but I know a lot of strippers and guess who most of their customers are? married men. So yes it is possible her husband feels this way. It’s harsh but reality. It’s why she may consider outside activities.

 

[lax16]

I agree but it is what it is. He only married her because she was what he was seeking: a submissive housewife. In reality he was always in love with me and he knew this was never an option so he found her. He shouldn’t have married her but he did. He’s not Catholic, but Fundamentalist Baptist. I’ve blocked him but no doubt he’s doing it to other women.

He married her because she would be a submissive housewife but now resents her for being exactly that?

Oh brother.

There is no doubt that people evolve and might want their spouse to evolve as well, however sometimes people are just cruel and unrealistic.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I’m sorry you are going through this, OP. You have been doing a lot to improve yourself and your husband seems uninterested.

Maybe book a getaway (like a 3 day weekend) just for the two of you. Do you have family nearby that could babysit while you and your husband are away?

 

[Irishmom2]

In reality he was always in love with me and he knew this was never an option so he found her. .

No, maybe he knew that you are not a very nice person to others. What you said to the OP was way out of line. You should apologize and not say anything else because you not helping. So at least don’t hurt her more than you already have.

 

[TeachCatechism]

He married her because she would be a submissive housewife but now resents her for being exactly that?

Oh brother.

There is no doubt that people evolve and might want their spouse to evolve as well, however sometimes people are just cruel and unrealistic.

Yes because he lived in a fantasy world. He wanted a wife with no outside activities, got one and is miserable.

 

[TeachCatechism]

No, maybe he knew that you are not a very nice person to others. What you said to the OP was way out of line. You should apologize and not say anything else because you not helping. So at least don’t hurt her more than you already have.

I’ll apologize when you do for being mean to me. I didn’t say she WAS a fat slob and lazy, I said her husband MIGHT think so. That’s not being mean. However you were mean to me by saying I’m not a nice person.