Married to a Non-Believer?

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christcnection1

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Do you know any faithful Catholic who is married to a non-believer? I know the Church allows it, but cautions against it.

What is their marriage like?

What have been the challenges?

Under what conditons would it be appropriate to move forward toward Sacramental marriage if two people are in love?

Thanks… God Bless

JB
 
I’m one such person. I am not the devoutest of the devout though. My husband is not baptised as anything but accompanies me to mass at least 1/3rd of the time and has agreed to raise our children Catholic.

Most people here highly caution against marrying a non Catholic.

I have only been married for just over a year. It hasn’t been a huge issue but I don’t expect it to be easy.

The priest who performed our ceremony said not to worry about the fact that it was not sacramental. I do think and hope and pray that my husband will one day be baptised.

Lots of people on CAF have discussed this issue and lots of people who are very devout have non Catholic and non Christian husbands/wives. I am sure they will chime in.

Take care!
 
I’m another in this situation. I was a lapsed Catholic when we meet and got married. Things are much tougher than if we were both Catholic. We have our differences in beliefs. I’m pro-life and she is pro-choice.

Our children have strayed from the Church even though they were all bought up in the Church and each went to Catholic schools up through high school. They are all good kids, and I have no regrets but I do think things may have been easier IF I had married someone already Catholic. They may have strayed anyway, but if both of us were Catholic, maybe their faith may have been stronger.

My wife has no intention of converting but I still pray for her (and my kids) anyway. We’ve been married 33 years, I returned to the Church 7 years after our marriage. Family planning was a huge issue (not anymore). My wife agreed to raise the kids Catholic.
 
wcknight said:
I’m another in this situation. I was a lapsed Catholic when we meet and got married. Things are much tougher than if we were both Catholic. We have our differences in beliefs. I’m pro-life and she is pro-choice.

Our children have strayed from the Church even though they were all bought up in the Church and each went to Catholic schools up through high school. They are all good kids, and I have no regrets but I do think things may have been easier IF I had married someone already Catholic. They may have strayed anyway, but if both of us were Catholic, maybe their faith may have been stronger.

My wife has no intention of converting but I still pray for her (and my kids) anyway. We’ve been married 33 years, I returned to the Church 7 years after our marriage. Family planning was a huge issue (not anymore). My wife agreed to raise the kids Catholic.
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Thank you for sharing.

Assuming the same situation (one person is a believer, the other a nonbeliever), and also assuming that both agree to raise the children in the Church (or at least the nonbeliever support the other in this), how strongly would you caution against such a marriage?

Are there some other considerations other than what you mentioned?
 
I am, but I wasn’t a believer before we married either. I converted afterward.
I love him.
He’s a wonderful man, husband, and father. (Well on the days when he isn’t making me want to pull my hair out , but I’m sure that’s a mutual feeling.:p)
Still, this is the only thing that I think truely separates us in our marriage on a very foundational level.
Thus it is the only matter I would dearly love him to have a change of heart on.
It never seems like that big a deal when one is dating, engaged, or even in the earily time of marriage. But the whole world and how one thinks in it changes once children come along. And things that a couple agrees on and can’t imagine feeling suddenly become very important and real in their lives after children start growing in the home.
Heck. If it wasn’t for our kids, I probably would have never stepped foot in a church, much less a Catholic one, after the day we married.
So. I would suggest caution. Not a automatic veto. But great and strong caution. One may agree to raise the children catholic, but people change and so does their outlook and feellings on things that they thougth weren’t important to them. And how can one raise a child to be what they are not? That in and of itself sounds very hard to do to me. I don’t know that doing nothing to prevent one parent from raising them catholic can fulfill the require to help raise them catholic, kwim?
rambling thoughts here…
 
christcnection1 said:
Thank you for sharing.

Assuming the same situation (one person is a believer, the other a nonbeliever), and also assuming that both agree to raise the children in the Church (or at least the nonbeliever support the other in this), how strongly would you caution against such a marriage?

Are there some other considerations other than what you mentioned?
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IF you can agree on how to raise the kids and the NFP issue, then you can just expect to have the same normal marital conflicts. Marriage is not easy for anyone. When 2 people get together, there will always be differences. A lot of love, humor, communication and compromises is always required.

Both of you need to be committed 100% to make things work, but that is true for all marriages. Divorces are so prevalent today not because of differences in faith but because of lack of committment.

I think it is a bit harder, but I have no qualms about doing it again. IF two people are willing to work together to make a go of it, I don’t see why they should not go through with it. I guess even though my wife is not Catholic, she has the same basic belief that people should act in reasonable humane ways towards each other. She is what you might call a non denominational, generic Christian.

IT may have been more difficult or impossible if she were from a more rigid faith, especially one in conflict with the Church. As with anyone considering marriage, I would say pray on it. I believe this is the path God chose for me. IF He had wanted me to marry a Catholic, He would have sent one to me.
 
I dated a non-believer and it was very difficult. It was hard for him to understand why I’d want to be Catholic and for me to understand why he was so against my faith. And we were two kids in high school, daydreaming about marriage in the future but that’s all it was, daydreaming.

Right now, I have a requirement that the guy I date must be Catholic. But I’m not currently dating anyone, nor do I plan to in the near future because I’m premed and very busy, not to mention that for the time being, I love having guys in my life as friends without the drama.

If I do marry, I will marry a Catholic and raise my children Catholic. It’s not only the big things (raising kids Catholic, only NFP allowed for family planning (though Protestant friends of mine heartily approve of that), Mass on Sundays, marriage in the Church). It’s the little things, like when your child asks why Daddy (or Mommy) doesn’t go to Mass or pray the Rosary. Or if I had a child who asked me, “Is Daddy going to hell?”

In some cases, an inter-faith marriage can work. In some cases, it’s the only way it can work (like if a spouse becomes Catholic or returns to the Church). However, there is a reason to be prudent and cautious. For me, relationships are difficult enough without the difference of faith.
 
christcnection1 said:
Under what conditons would it be appropriate to move forward toward Sacramental marriage if two people are in love?
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A sacramental marriage can only occur between two baptized persons. If one of the parties is not baptized, it is a natural marriage not a sacramental marriage.

The heart of the Sacrament is the shared faith of the individuals-- so think long and hard about bringing unbelief into the heart of your home.
 
My cousin married a man who was non-Christian. He was not an atheist, but he never went to church when he was growing up and was never baptized. Once they had children, he started going to Mass with her and the kids. When his son was studying for his first Communion, he told my cousin that he wanted to be Catholic. He signed up for RCIA and was baptized, confirmed and received Communion at the Easter Vigil Mass about two weeks before his son made his first Communion. Now the boy is 16 and both he and his dad are ushers in their parish. My cousin never pushed the issue of religion but prayed for her husband. She was actually happily surprised when he told her he wanted to be Catholic after they had been married for about 10 years.
 
A very close friend of mine is married to a non believer. She suffers greatly from not being able to share her joy in christian life with him. It took years for thier daughter to be able to understand why Daddy didn’t participate the way Mommy did causing some friction. She recently shared with me that she is struggles with envy because my husband goes to Mass and understands my language when I talk about spiritual things. She struggles under the weight of feeling that she is not having a good enough impact for his conversion. His conversion is a focal point of her prayer and life.
There is a big deficit in such marriages.
 
I am a convert, post-marriage. I married a man who is ethnically Jewish, raised in a non-practicing family. He has dabbled in Hinduism. He supported my conversion including the process of dealing with both our prior marriages - our marriage is the second for both of us. He attends Mass with me on Sundays. I grew up Southern Baptist and joined the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America as an adult. So I have been a Christian since my Baptism in early adolescence. And I regret having married a nonbeliever. When one spouse sees no everlasting consequence for one’s actions there is little motivation to take responsibility and show mercy.

As a Christian and most certainly as a Roman Catholic, I can never recommend a marriage between persons of differing faiths, right down to a specific sect, e.g., a Baptist should marry a Baptist, a Free Will Baptist should marry same, a Sunni Muslim should marry a Sunni Muslim and so on. And marrying a nonbeliever is to sentence yourself to potentially a lifetime of not being able to share the most central aspects of your life with the most important person in your life. Even more so for a Catholic. Being Catholic, a true practicing Catholic, is wonderful yet rigorous and involves all aspects of your life. And children are always confused by having parents who are not fully one. Love will not overcome this consequence. Choose wisely!!
 
JRJ said:
I am a convert, post-marriage. I married a man who is ethnically Jewish, raised in a non-practicing family. He has dabbled in Hinduism. He supported my conversion including the process of dealing with both our prior marriages - our marriage is the second for both of us. He attends Mass with me on Sundays. I grew up Southern Baptist and joined the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America as an adult. So I have been a Christian since my Baptism in early adolescence. And I regret having married a nonbeliever. When one spouse sees no everlasting consequence for one’s actions there is little motivation to take responsibility and show mercy.

As a Christian and most certainly as a Roman Catholic, I can never recommend a marriage between persons of differing faiths, right down to a specific sect, e.g., a Baptist should marry a Baptist, a Free Will Baptist should marry same, a Sunni Muslim should marry a Sunni Muslim and so on. And marrying a nonbeliever is to sentence yourself to potentially a lifetime of not being able to share the most central aspects of your life with the most important person in your life. Even more so for a Catholic. Being Catholic, a true practicing Catholic, is wonderful yet rigorous and involves all aspects of your life. And children are always confused by having parents who are not fully one. Love will not overcome this consequence. Choose wisely!!
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Thank you for your thoughts. I do appreciate them…

I am sorry that things have not worked out the way you hoped.

Although nearly everyone here has cautioned against it, many people have had different experiences and would disagree with you.

If the Church cautiously allows it, I suggest this is the stance you should also take; otherwise, you’re going against the Church. (…which you have the right to do if you desire.)

I am not sure if you’re saying “never under any circumstances” or “be very, very careful.”

Blessings,

JB
 
I am going to marry a non-babtised seeker. Obviously I can’t say until I’m actually married how difficult it could be BUT I know how supportive he is of me following my faith and I also know how difficult it would be to marry the majority of Catholic men in the two parishes in my town.

It is HARD to marry a Catholic who ‘knows’ what Catholicism is but believes in non-Catholic beliefs. The most difficult would be contraception. It would be like pulling teeth and wrestling two bears to convince a Catholic about NFP if he’s already in the mindset that he knows what the Catholic Church believes. Not only that but many think talking about Christ outside of church is for the religious zealots.
:confused:

The only time I ever prayed for a spouse God put a non-baptised seeker in my path who is so supportive AND agrees to all the ‘hard’ choices that faithful Catholics have to follow in practice.

I’m not saying all Catholics make bad potential spouses, I just know of the ones that have come across my path and the ones I sought out in the hopes of meeting a faithful Catholic. Any of the potential good choices were already snatched up. All the rest were either a lost cause or up to God to handle because I’m can’t believe for another person. Only God converts.

Ironically, my guy went to Catholic mass a few times in hopes of finding someone with those types of morals and ideals.

I know the Catholic Church cautions against non-sacramental marriages, but they should also caution against marrying the luke-warm. I think they already do, but many posters on here don’t seem to acknowledge this type of problem when they give their advice.🤷

If the Catholic Church allows these types of marriage with certain types of caution, then that is the thing we need to listen to first and foremost.

The questions that need to be asked above anything will be, will your future spouse fully support and not be an obstacle in any way for you to practice your faith fully in your life and how the children are raised. Will your future spouse help you in your path to the Lord?

If you can answer yes to the above, go through pre-Cana with the priest’s blessing, then not one of the posters on this board can tell you ‘No, you are making a horrible mistake. Your faith will suffer.’

I agree that they should give examples of what to avoid and the problems that can crop up but none of the posters can change what the Church allows when it comes to marrying non-Catholics. None of their opinions are above the Church.
 
p.s. I’m not just writing about the cautions and opinions in this thread but many threads that I have read on this board about this subject.
 
christcnection1 said:
Thank you for your thoughts. I do appreciate them…

I am sorry that things have not worked out the way you hoped.

Although nearly everyone here has cautioned against it, many people have had different experiences and would disagree with you.

If the Church cautiously allows it, I suggest this is the stance you should also take; otherwise, you’re going against the Church. (…which you have the right to do if you desire.)

I am not sure if you’re saying “never under any circumstances” or “be very, very careful.”

Blessings,

JB
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My opinion is that one should marry someone at the same level of spiritual maturity and of the same beliefs and values, right down to specific sect where applicable. I would not say never marry a nonbeliever. It is my opinion that to do so is borrowing big trouble in most cases, and that is based on the experience of my fellow human beings, not just my own situation. Just look around your Parish, read academic works about marriage and listen to a couple of call-in talk shows. You see that most folks who marry with any significant disunity in values at the beginning are usually in trouble especially once children are born. And that’s the truly important point: once you marry, it’s all about the rights and best interests of the potential children. So my opinion is based on personal experience and paying attention to the subject over time. And I’m grateful, ever so grateful, for Church teaching that a Catholic may marry a nonbeliever, or I wouldn’t have the privilege of being in full communion today 🙂 . Without the Church, I believe I’d be divorced for a second time by now. With Her, I have graces I never imagined.

Our problem as Catholics is the lack of emphasis on marriage and family for our children. They need to be taught the Church’s beautiful teaching on marriage and family from the first question about any aspect of family life, usually uttered as soon as they can speak in phrases 😃 . This means we need moms and dads to be properly catechized. We are a people with so much material comfort yet filled with fear of self-giving and our fertility. A great loss.
 
I’m not Catholic but truely believe in the Catholic Church. I have been studying Catholicism and understand it more each day. My wife is a non-denom evangelical and I’m not sure what I am. I am a Christian for sure but disagree with many of our church’s teachings allthough it is a wonderfull church. My wife is a life long evangelical and is completely anti-Catholic(belief not people). She believes almost every Catholic teaching is un-biblical. When I told her how I felt toward the CC she was shocked and said her heart had sank. Growing up she always said she would not marry a Catholic. She does not support my journey to Catholcism (I guess it’s a journey) or my beliefs, she says I’m being decieved. Debates usually lead to her being frustrated so e-mails and letters are how I answer her questions. When we read scripture together before bed it had better be out of a Protestant bible. She tells me it disgusts her if I read from my Catholic bible. Besides our disagreement of beliefs our marriage is great. She just can’t accept that I worship and exspress my love for God differently. She is very scared and feels betrayed by my beliefs in Catholicism. We have no children yet but she is feeling she might not want kids if I’m catholic. For now I am still attending church with her and still researching and studying the CC. I am not in RCIA yet but do attend 1-2 Masses a month alone. This whole experiance is begining to eat at my conscience. My wife does’nt call me or Catholics non-Christians (as long as we have a relationship with Christ) but thinks what we believe is false. This has been very difficult lately, more with her than me but still very difficult. This is’nt quite marriage to a non-believer but it’s still a challenge nevertheless.

God Bless,
Jamie
 
JPatton said:
I’m not Catholic but truely believe in the Catholic Church. I have been studying Catholicism and understand it more each day. My wife is a non-denom evangelical and I’m not sure what I am. I am a Christian for sure but disagree with many of our church’s teachings allthough it is a wonderfull church. My wife is a life long evangelical and is completely anti-Catholic(belief not people). She believes almost every Catholic teaching is un-biblical. When I told her how I felt toward the CC she was shocked and said her heart had sank. Growing up she always said she would not marry a Catholic. She does not support my journey to Catholcism (I guess it’s a journey) or my beliefs, she says I’m being decieved. Debates usually lead to her being frustrated so e-mails and letters are how I answer her questions. When we read scripture together before bed it had better be out of a Protestant bible. She tells me it disgusts her if I read from my Catholic bible. Besides our disagreement of beliefs our marriage is great. She just can’t accept that I worship and exspress my love for God differently. She is very scared and feels betrayed by my beliefs in Catholicism. We have no children yet but she is feeling she might not want kids if I’m catholic. For now I am still attending church with her and still researching and studying the CC. I am not in RCIA yet but do attend 1-2 Masses a month alone. This whole experiance is begining to eat at my conscience. My wife does’nt call me or Catholics non-Christians (as long as we have a relationship with Christ) but thinks what we believe is false. This has been very difficult lately, more with her than me but still very difficult. This is’nt quite marriage to a non-believer but it’s still a challenge nevertheless.

God Bless,
Jamie
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Jamie,

My brother in Christ, if you have not already, I suggest you start your own thread concerning these issues. There is a world of information out there that can help your wife to see the truths of the Catholic faith. There are hundreds of former Protestant minsters/pastor who are now Catholic. I am sure you could find some that would be willing to talk to her. (www.chnetwork.org)

It sounds like these struggles are very difficult. I will say a prayer for you. Please say one for me.

In His Love,

Jonathon
 
I had prayed for a good husband and am blessed with a good non denominational evangelical who supports me in my beliefs as a Catholic…I feel that God sends people to us so that we can be witness of His love to them…one of the greatest tool of evangelisation is LOVE…We have had our ups and downs in our relationship especially when it came to the baptism of our children…so we agreed to pray that the will of God to happen. If it’s God’s will that they be baptized Catholic, we should accept it!! Lo and behold the situation was such that it pointed towards them getting baptized into the church,I believe that it was God who made this possible because we prayed that His will be done!! I encourage all couples who are facing problems with their differences in Christian church beliefs to pray as a couple that the will of God prevails in the family,that every decision made to be according to His will,Then and only will we experience the Fullness of God in our family life!! And recite the Holy rosary, requesting our Lady’s intercession and last but not least,Do not worry, Trust God!! God bless us all!
 
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