Married to fundamentalist

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marlybruce

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Hi,

My name is Janette and I am married to an ex-Catholic who hates the Catholic church. When we married, we were both Catholics attending weekly Mass. Our three beautiful children were baptized in the Church. He left the church 2 years ago and turned bitterly anti-Catholic. I myself am a convert to the church from evangelicalism (some 12 years ago). I love the church and my faith and will never leave! My husband has forbidden me from raising the children Catholic. He reads them the Bible every night to indoctinate them into fundamentalism. He sees me as a deceived Christian, at best, if a Christian at all. He refuses to celebrate Christmas or Easter, calling them pagan holidays, begun by the evil Church. I feel very alone in this struggle. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I do not know anyone else who has ever been in my situation. I am looking to find anyone else who has been through this situation, and find some hope, encouragement, and advise.

Peace…
 
May God bless you for your patience!

I can’t hope to give you much advice for your marriage, and my area of experience (that is, arguing theological issues) hardly seems suited to a domestic environment.

If a 16-year-old (such as myself) can give advice on such a matter, it would be this: the best testimony to the love you have for your husband and children- and to your Christian faith- will be your love itself. You have to keep loving your husband despite what he thinks of you and your faith. It is the continuing demonstration of your continuing Christian love- despite frustration- that may well be most effective in convincing your husband that you are a Christian, and that the Catholic Faith is a Christian Faith.
 
Wow! What happened to him to cause him to suddenly hate the Church? How does he feel about the vows and promises he made at your Catholic wedding? I really don’t know what to say to you in answer, other than pray and fast and offer up your trials for his conversion. And last thing, some things happen in our married lives that are bona fide deal breakers. Pax Christi
 
Seek the counsel of a holy Priest.

Your husband made vows to you, before God and witnesses. As a Catholic, he promised to raise his children as Catholic. How tragic, that he would not keep his promise.

Prayers that you will find wise counsel.
 
I guess I would have to ask…

What happened?

Did someone turn him against the church?

As a cradle Catholic most (not all) of us have an essence of the faith. We know what we are suppose to do or believe but we don’t know why. Many of us can’t find chapter and verse in Scripture to “prove” anything, from sacraments to the papacy. Some people need proof. But it’s there. All of it. A Catholic who has a problem with the church will hold on to the Bible for all the answers. That’s not such a bad thing. Because the Bible is our handbook. Nothing in it will contradict the Church. We as Catholics believe in the Word of God, all of it. It’s just that when we interpret it incorrectly that there’s a problem.

2 Peter 3:16
16 as also in all his letters, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which the untaught and unstable distort, as they do also the rest of the Scriptures, to their own destruction.

What would I do?

Before anything I would give it up to God. All my fears and my sufferings, I would hand it over in prayer to Him.

I would call on Him in prayer for help. I would invoke the Holy Spirit.

**Novena to the Holy Spirit **
scborromeo.org/prayers/novenahs.htm

I would ask my husband to read the Bible with me, every morning before the start of our day.

I would ask our Mother for her prayers as well.

We have to shine with the light of Christ. When he looks at me I want him to see Jesus in me. Lovingly, I would explain why Catholics do what they do. Using the Bible alone.
You have to know your Bible and where everything is.

Scripture Catholic can help.
scripturecatholic.com/

Something good will come out of this.

**1 Timothy 3:15 **

15 but in case I am delayed, I write so that you will know how one ought to conduct himself in the household of God, which is **the church **of the living God, the pillar and support of the truth.

Saint Paul said “the church”. Notice what he did not say? The bible.

Have faith in God. May the Lord bless you and your husband on this difficult journey.:signofcross:
 
Janette, It sounds and overwhelming problem. I don’t know what I’d do.

Reading the bible is good, it’s how he uses its teachings that may not be. If he teaches the children to love Jesus it’s good, but to teach them to hate His Church isn’t.

He is also undermining your place in the family and the respect that should be yours as mother if he speaks and acts openly against your faith.

He risks alienating the children from God in the end. I have a nephew and niece who will have nothing to do with religion now because their mother became Jehovah Witness for a few years and they were sent to a JW school. A few years without birthdays and Christmases left bitterness, particularly in my nephew.

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers and Messes
 
I feel bad about my post because it did nothing to relieve your mind. Be sure that I’ll be praying for a good solution to your problems, and I do ask the Holy Spirit to touch and convert your husband. And to give you comfort and strength, and all the wisom and grace you need in relataing and dealing with your husband and children.
 
marlybruce said:
Hi,

My name is Janette and I am married to an ex-Catholic who hates the Catholic church. When we married, we were both Catholics attending weekly Mass. Our three beautiful children were baptized in the Church. He left the church 2 years ago and turned bitterly anti-Catholic. I myself am a convert to the church from evangelicalism (some 12 years ago). I love the church and my faith and will never leave! My husband has forbidden me from raising the children Catholic. He reads them the Bible every night to indoctinate them into fundamentalism. He sees me as a deceived Christian, at best, if a Christian at all. He refuses to celebrate Christmas or Easter, calling them pagan holidays, begun by the evil Church. I feel very alone in this struggle. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I do not know anyone else who has ever been in my situation. I am looking to find anyone else who has been through this situation, and find some hope, encouragement, and advise.

Peace…
Click to expand...
I pulled this same bone headed stunt on my wife some years ago. My kids were older when I went through it and I didn’t try to forbid her to do anything.

It wasn’t until I read Karl Keating’s Catholicism & Fundamentalism that I realized what a huge error I made. That book made me humbly go the rectory at our my former parish and beg to be let back into the church. We live and learn eh?
😊

That book refutes every single one of your husband’s concerns about the Catholic Church… Including his worst fears. Radical fundamentalists think that the Catholic Church is the Woman on the Beast in Revelation Ch-17. It’s easy to be deceived into thinking that’s true because of misinterpretation of scripture.

If you can get him to read Karl’s book, he will probably have the exact same reaction as I did! He’s “partially” right about Easter and Christmas… Pagan holidays were replaced with Christian holidays. But that is a GOOD thing… not a bad thing! Karl explains it all in his book.

Be patient with him and don’t be afraid. He will come around if you become more informed. John Martignoni, Scott Hahn and Dave armstrong have some great resources as well.

PM me if you have any questions because I was in your husband’s exact same shoes about 6 years ago!

Here’s a great link with some great lectures on the Biblical justification for catholicism from John Martignoni.
biblechristiansociety.com/download

😉
 
marlybruce said:
Hi,

My name is Janette and I am married to an ex-Catholic who hates the Catholic church. When we married, we were both Catholics attending weekly Mass. Our three beautiful children were baptized in the Church. He left the church 2 years ago and turned bitterly anti-Catholic. I myself am a convert to the church from evangelicalism (some 12 years ago). I love the church and my faith and will never leave! My husband has forbidden me from raising the children Catholic. He reads them the Bible every night to indoctinate them into fundamentalism. He sees me as a deceived Christian, at best, if a Christian at all. He refuses to celebrate Christmas or Easter, calling them pagan holidays, begun by the evil Church. I feel very alone in this struggle. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I do not know anyone else who has ever been in my situation. I am looking to find anyone else who has been through this situation, and find some hope, encouragement, and advise.

Peace…
Click to expand...
You are in my prayers! As a convert who was raised in a pretty fundamentalist area I know their arguments.

He is probably caught up in a dispensationalist understanding - ask him if he know that people have only been looking at the scriptures that way for about 150 years and it was based upon a dream?

My guess is that you guys are close to my age, late 30s, many in our age group were not really taught what the Church teaches even if they want to Catholic school and are easily preyed upon by the lies of Fundies who often preach fear and hate.

I would be happy to answer any questions and discuss with your husband why he believes the Church to be in error - from someone who has been there. If you think he might be amiable to discuss please send me a PM and I’ll give you my email.

You should bring up to him that he took an Oath before God to raise his children in the Church. Fundamentalist or not his belief at the time was that was the True Church of Jesus Christ and he was making that Oath to God… the Father,Son and Holy Spirit.

You might have him read Born Fundamentalist Born again Catholic. My lifelong Southern Baptist mom is considering joining the Church after a couple of years of discussing this.

Joe

Joe
 
This original post is really close to my heart, as the same thing occurred in my family, except I was a thirteen year-old child at the time. My parents, who were both “good” cultural Catholics (followed Church teachings, attended mass, but never built a strong foundation in their faith), began having marriage trouble. My mom began listening to a fundamental radio station, and over the course of a year, left the Church, became born again, and was re-baptized as a non-denominational Christian.

My father was initially very upset and maintained he would keep raising us Catholic, but eventually, he worked things out with my mother and left the Church as well. Basically, they credit “finding the truth” as the reason their marriage held together. Over the last 11-12 years, they have jumped from church to church, looking for one that will support their anti-Catholic viewpoints. Anti-Catholicism is my mother’s battlecry, and it has isolated her from a lot of old friends and family members, who she has no problem telling “are deceived.”

As a child who was curious about and connected to her Catholic faith before this, I had a hard time accepting this second-round of “truth” that they were teaching me. If they got it wrong the first time, I thought, who’s to say they have it right now? That led me to 10+ years of trying to believe as they did, but never feeling like I had a true relationship with God, repeating a cycle of trying to follow Him, and then becoming apathetic. I always felt like Christianity made sense when I was Catholic, and something was missing in the evangelical churches I went to, even though the people were often such great examples of Christ. As for my three younger siblings (who remember much less of Catholicism than I do), they are completely turned off by religion thanks to the soapbox anti-Catholic bashing we’ve heard for so many years.

As an adult, I have felt called back to the Church and I couldn’t be happier. The bashing of the Catholic Church that my parents have engaged in has only made me more inclined to go back and re-examine what the Church actually teaches. While I am saddened I can’t share my excitement with my parents, coming “home” has been a wonderful experience for me. One of my great hopes is again sharing a pew with them at mass. It will take a lot of prayer and tears, but God is good.

I know I don’t approach this story from the perspective of a spouse, but your words really brought up a lot of emotions I have felt over the years, and especially the recent fights it has led to with my mother (who is completely shocked and saddened her adult daughter would choose this path.) I would love to keep your family in my prayers, and be a support to you, if it might offer you any comfort. If you’d like to email me, please feel free.

There is definite truth to this Bible verse: Matthew 10:35

*For I have come to set a man ‘against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s enemies will be those of his household.’
"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me. *
 
marlybruce said:
Hi,

My name is Janette and I am married to an ex-Catholic who hates the Catholic church. When we married, we were both Catholics attending weekly Mass. Our three beautiful children were baptized in the Church. He left the church 2 years ago and turned bitterly anti-Catholic. I myself am a convert to the church from evangelicalism (some 12 years ago). I love the church and my faith and will never leave! My husband has forbidden me from raising the children Catholic. He reads them the Bible every night to indoctinate them into fundamentalism. He sees me as a deceived Christian, at best, if a Christian at all. He refuses to celebrate Christmas or Easter, calling them pagan holidays, begun by the evil Church. I feel very alone in this struggle. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I do not know anyone else who has ever been in my situation. I am looking to find anyone else who has been through this situation, and find some hope, encouragement, and advise.

Peace…
Click to expand...
Invest in the book: " BY WHAT AUTHORITY?" by Mark Shea…
Its a darn good book… not too long, funny, right to the point… does not get into a lot of doctrines but just the essential to SHAKE UP any protestant. The SOLA SCRIPTURA theory is utterly torn to pieces and shown for what it is there, and there is no way to maintain a protestant view and regard one self as a logical-minded person after ending that book…
Best apologetic book I have read 👍

By the way… find out what he loves most about his fundamentalist church and imitate it in your own life and find a group of Catholics to befriend and invite home to meet your husband. Make sure these people are so FULL OF THE HOLY SPIRIT that it cannot be denied.

I am a convert my self.
 
Thank you to all of you who responded with your personal experiences, thoughts, advice, and prayers. It means so much to me! Special thanks to “monphase” for sharing your painful childhood experience. It gives me much hope for my children. My deepest prayer is that they will one day see the beauty of the Church as you have and as I have.

One remaining question/issue I have is this: Sometimes I feel as if it’s all up to me to convert my husband back to the Church…pray, fast, be the best witness I can…etc…but that puts a lot of pressure on me! I know God can do all things, but I am not convinced my husband will ever return to the Church, despite all of my best efforts…what do you’ll think about this?

God bless,
Janette
 
marlybruce said:
One remaining question/issue I have is this: Sometimes I feel as if it’s all up to me to convert my husband back to the Church…pray, fast, be the best witness I can…etc…but that puts a lot of pressure on me! I know God can do all things, but I am not convinced my husband will ever return to the Church, despite all of my best efforts…what do you’ll think about this?

God bless,
Janette
Click to expand...
Well, coming from a woman who has been praying for her husbands conversion for almost 15 years, I think the key is you have to realize that you can’t convince your husband. You can argue until your blue in the face and spout out all of the most logical arguments and it still won’t do any good. It’s God’s grace that does the work, you just simply ask for it.

I think that you and your husband need to see a marriage counselor. It doesn’t even have to be a Catholic one. Hopefully, a counselor can get him to see the damage he is doing to his family. There is a way to raise kids in an interfaith home. But there has to be mutual respect between the parents and that is definitely lacking on his part.
 
marlybruce said:
Hi,

My name is Janette and I am married to an ex-Catholic who hates the Catholic church. When we married, we were both Catholics attending weekly Mass. Our three beautiful children were baptized in the Church. He left the church 2 years ago and turned bitterly anti-Catholic. I myself am a convert to the church from evangelicalism (some 12 years ago). I love the church and my faith and will never leave! My husband has forbidden me from raising the children Catholic. He reads them the Bible every night to indoctinate them into fundamentalism. He sees me as a deceived Christian, at best, if a Christian at all. He refuses to celebrate Christmas or Easter, calling them pagan holidays, begun by the evil Church. I feel very alone in this struggle. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I do not know anyone else who has ever been in my situation. I am looking to find anyone else who has been through this situation, and find some hope, encouragement, and advise.

Peace…
Click to expand...
Wow, you know what I don’t know if I can be of any help but my stepdad converted from atheism to Fundamentalism about 7 years ago. My mom, a former Catholic, attends a Protestant church that is not Fundamentalist (has a liturgical year, etc) much to my stepdad’s chagrin, so our situation is a little bit like yours. This year mom did not put up a Christmas tree to keep the peace which was sad/infuriating to us kids. Not sure how old your kids are, but all of us are grown now, and 3 our of 4 of us are devout Catholics. We each process my stepdad’s beliefs in our own way.

Here are some things our family learned over the past few years (and sorry of this is a repeat from others’ suggestions - I read some answers, but not all!):
  1. It’s quite common for a convert to be very zealous and even unyielding in how they share their faith with others. For many years, my stepdad was downright harsh and intolerable about his beliefs. But we all refused to be bullied. In marriage and family life, we need to have the freedom to be ourselves. Find a way(s) to lovingly discuss the fact that you are Catholic and you need to have the freedom to practice your faith and teach your children about your faith in your own home. You would not demand he compromise his faith, so please don’t ask the same of you.
I’d seek counseling from a solid Christian counselor if he cannot afford you that freedom because that is truly a “marriage issue” more than a doctrine issue. Ruth Graham was not the same denomination as Billy Graham but she was allowed to hold on to her faith tradition and that’s one reason they had a strong, godly marriage.
  1. Focus on the ways you can pursue Christ together. Read the Bible regularly if you’re not already doing so! Not to get into fights over doctrine, but simply to grow in your faith and find common ground. I don’t know… perhaps even finding a family devotion/study you can do together would help build some unity in your home? I’ve found discussing common ground with my stepdad has made a difference.
  2. As family wounds heal, perhaps venture into discussing doctrinal differences. It makes from some interesting discussions.
In the past 2 years my stepdad *has *softened… his beliefs are as strong as ever but he is seeing how his previous actions were not Christ-like. The Holy Spirit has done work in all of our hearts to help us become better Christians.
 
Get your hands on Patrick Madrid’s “Search and Rescue”.

Do you have satellite TV? Watch EWTN (you can also watch on line). www.ewtn.com

Catholic Radio? You can also listen on line - www.avemariaradio.net and you can listen to EWTN radio online, you can listen to/download Catholic Answers from this web site. Satellite Radio also has Catholic broadcasting.

These will build YOUR faith and can be a less confrontational way for your husband to discuss his real issues with the Church.
 
It may well be that you can’t convince him to return to the Church. You can pray hard, and I hope that does bear fruit, but he still has the free will to refuse grace.

But he has no right to forbid you from passing on your faith to your children. You should honor your husband, but God first. How that actually works out in your family, I can’t begin to tell you … it all depends on circumstances. But you should not let his insistence turn you away from your intention to raise your children Catholic.

In ages when the Church was persecuted, mothers used to take their children aside secretly and tell them about the true faith, to “inoculate” them against the errors they would hear elsewhere. Even if you can’t do this in a structured way, let them see you practicing your faith, and continue explaining these things to them when they ask. If he won’t let you take the kids to Mass on Sunday, can you bring them to daily Mass from time to time?

Any counselor, even a non-Catholic, would agree that your beliefs should have equal rights with his. If you could get him to see a counselor with you, that would be a huge step forward. After all, a family should not be a battleground. He has to agree, at the very least, to respect that you believe what you do.

If all else fails, you could suggest to him that he is not convincing you to join his denomination by his uncharitable attitude!
 
pray.
ask momma mary to pray.
ask family to pray.
say masses
offer holy communions
offer penances
offer rosaries

i know it sounds wrong, but teach your children the faith secretly. it is better if they know what is going on.
 
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