Married to Non-Catholic

  • Thread starter Thread starter Carol_Rene
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Carol_Rene

Guest
I am sure that I am not the only one here who has married a non-Catholic but here’s my story:
I met my husband a few years ago while we were both stationed overseas in England. At the time I wasn’t planning on settling down any time soon and he had nevr had a serious relationship. My relationship with God and the Church were suffering at the time and I had no thoughts about finding a Catholic man to spend my life with.
I lost my way shortly after entering a steady relationship with him and declared that I was an atheist (YIKES!) This lasted a little under two years… just long enough for us to get married (civilly) and have a son (yes he’s baptized)
Then by the grace of God I felt my faith renewed! My heart swelled with the love of the Lord and I was mostly thrilled.
But my husband is not Catholic and not Christian. These were never things I considered as possibilites, when I was younger I figured that non-Catholics were fine to date but eventually I’d find someone who would sahre my faith with me.
Now I’m concerned about the growing stress this is placing on our marriage. This has already lead to at least one argument where we were both shouting in tears. We’re in the process of getting our marraige blessed by the Church, but I really want him to celebrate mass with me especially since we are raising our son (and any future children) to be Catholic.
His mother belongs to some sort of snake handling Christian church and is severly bi-polar so I feel like I can’t explain why faith is a good thing to him.
Does any one have any words of advice for me?
 
Keep praying. St. Monica prayed for forty years for her son’s conversion and he became one of our greatest saints, St. Augustine. Having a mixed marriage does present many trials, but that does mean you cannot overcome it.

Check out this link foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398742
And keep praying without ceasing.

You will be in my prayers.
 
Carol_Rene said:
Now I’m concerned about the growing stress this is placing on our marriage. This has already lead to at least one argument where we were both shouting in tears. We’re in the process of getting our marraige blessed by the Church, **but I really want him to celebrate mass with me especially since we are raising our son (and any future children) to be Catholic. **
His mother belongs to some sort of snake handling Christian church and is severly bi-polar so I feel like I can’t explain why faith is a good thing to him.
Does any one have any words of advice for me?
Click to expand...
Don’t try to pressure him into participating in the Catholic faith since he is not even Christian. That is just a recipe for disaster.

If you fell in love with a Muslim and married him, and later had him try to pressure you to dress like a Muslim woman and go to Mosque, how would you feel?

You need to accept him for who he is, and be happy with him as he is. If you won’t do this, it’s bad news for your marriage.
 
flyingfish said:
Don’t try to pressure him into participating in the Catholic faith since he is not even Christian. That is just a recipe for disaster.

If you fell in love with a Muslim and married him, and later had him try to pressure you to dress like a Muslim woman and go to Mosque, how would you feel?

You need to accept him for who he is, and be happy with him as he is. If you won’t do this, it’s bad news for your marriage.
Click to expand...
As a non-Catholic married to a Catholic, I agree.
 
He is the man you choose and married. He was what he is when you made that choice - we talk about each having our crosses to bear, think of it like this - you walked into the cross store and said “that one is nice, I will marry him”.

Now, pray for him, be the best Catholic wife on earth. Make it so he goes to work or out to a bar with his buddies and says “man, you should find a Catholic girl to marry or get your wife to become Catholic - it is amazing!”

St Monica and St Elizabeth Leseur - get to know them.
 
Ditto everyone else. He is consenting to your children being raised Catholic. He is interested in having your marriage blessed in the Church, which means he must be talking with some clergy person. Sounds good to me.
 
I don’t deny that he is a good man, but I want him to feel love for Jesus.
As for potentially causing stress in the marriage by pressuring him I respectfully would like to point out that I have just as much distress by knowing that this man I love so much does not believe in Jesus. Simply playing the good wife and not trying to share my faith with him seems to be counter-productive. Plus, what if I should die? None of us like to think of the worst possible scenario but I honestly believe it is important for my children to have the stability of the RCC in their life. If I were to die tomorrow he is ill-prepared to raise our son as a Catholic or even a Christian. We’re a military family so most of the time all we have is each other, so even my parents wouldn’t be able to assist much.
This is not the same problem as a Christian non-Catholic married to a Catholic, he doesn’t believe in Jesus at all.
The question is not about how to be a good wife or how to love him, but how to speak to him about Jesus.
As for the hypothetical Muslim husband question if he felt strongly his way and me mine I can’t see that as a marriage working in the long run. I cannot forsake God just because of a man. That means switching religions or pretending that the denial of God does not offend me to my spouse. My love for Jesus is greater than my need for a quiet marriage.
 
This is not fair to your husband. You married him for better or for worse. Now you want to force him to become Christian. You can either accept him as is, or get divorced. Because that’s where it is going to wind up if you keep trying to force religion on him. You will make both yourselves unhappy. Take the children to church, invite him to come along, and answers questions if he has them, but leave it at that. And as for him being ill-prepared to raise the children Catholic were you to die, that is what godparents are for. To ensure that children are raised properly in the faith.
 
Carol_Rene said:
As for the hypothetical Muslim husband question if he felt strongly his way and me mine I can’t see that as a marriage working in the long run. I cannot forsake God just because of a man. That means switching religions or pretending that the denial of God does not offend me to my spouse. My love for Jesus is greater than my need for a quiet marriage.
Click to expand...
And at the rate you’re going, you won’t have a marriage at all.

And if you think you can convert your non-Christian husband to Catholicism by pressuring him and arguing with him, you’re crazy. The only thing you will achieve with your behavior is make him hate the faith as the thing that in his mind would be the cause of the destruction of the marriage.

You cannot force anyone to become a Catholic. The only thing you might be able to do is force your husband to pretend to be Catholic to get you to stop.
 
Pray for him. That is all you can do. You married him for better or worse, knowing he wasn’t a Christian.

You cannot force him to believe, but you can pray often and hard for him to see the truth.

Unless you want to end this marriage, you are going to have to accept him the way he is. If you keep insisting he instantly believe because you do, you are going to push him farther and farther away from where you want him. You can not expect him to change overnight, in fact you can’t really expect people to change at all.
 
As a non catholic married to a catholic I will tell you that if you pressure him you will only turn him off. You go to mass teach your son invite him or at least let him know the door is always open and then pray silently. Talk about Jesus and read your son bible stories in ear shot of your husband, but not to your husband. These small things will start to work on him. Watch EWTN. Dh got me with that one a lot. He and I have come a long way and it has taken several years. I can tell you that if he would have been pushy then there would have been no forward progress.
 
My husband was not a Christian when I met him, though he did not have the bad experiences of your husband to contend with. He is a Christian now. I did not ever pressure him about it.

You had a kind of conversion experience. Did it happen because someone was pressuring you, or because God came to you in some way? Not everyone has the same kind of conversion experience either - look at St Augustine. For him it was an intellectual journey that took 30 years.

Your duty as a Christian wife is clear, be a good wife and pray for your husband. Trying to take over God’s job is not part of your duty, and is a type of spiritual pride.

Do talk to your husband about your plans in case one, or both of you, die. Part of that will include religious education for your children. You do not in the end have total control of all of those kinds of circumstances either, no matter how well you plan. You must trust God to take care of those things.
 
Thank you Bluegoat and others who have offered some actual advice.
As to those who are telling me that my behavior is going to lead to the end of my marriage, I don’t think you know enough about my marriage to make that call.
I am a loving wife, I am a loving mother, I am good to him and we are happy.
I love my Lord and would like to share that with the man I love. I’m not withholding my affection because he isn’t praising Jesus. But I do want him to someday feel the same love of the Lord that I feel. As a Christian woman it is my job to be open about my Lord.
I’m not thinking of leaving him. I don’t believe in divorce, one thing we both agree on is that you can’t give yourself an easy out (divorce) if you want a marriage to work.
I don’t want him to believe be cause I do. I want him to believe because he does.
 
Carol_Rene said:
As a Christian woman it is my job to be open about my Lord.
I’m not thinking of leaving him. I don’t believe in divorce, one thing we both agree on is that you can’t give yourself an easy out (divorce) if you want a marriage to work.
I don’t want him to believe be cause I do. I want him to believe because he does.
Click to expand...
How many shouting matches where both of you are crying and screaming (and him feeling like you don’t want him as he is, but want him to change) will it take before he decides he doesn’t want this kind of a life and leaves you for a woman who accepts him for who he is and doesn’t drive him to screaming tears?

Sorry for not telling you what you want to hear. Good luck.
 
Bluegoat said:
My husband was not a Christian when I met him, though he did not have the bad experiences of your husband to contend with. He is a Christian now. I did not ever pressure him about it.

You had a kind of conversion experience. Did it happen because someone was pressuring you, or because God came to you in some way? Not everyone has the same kind of conversion experience either - look at St Augustine. For him it was an intellectual journey that took 30 years.

Your duty as a Christian wife is clear, be a good wife and pray for your husband. Trying to take over God’s job is not part of your duty, and is a type of spiritual pride.

Do talk to your husband about your plans in case one, or both of you, die. Part of that will include religious education for your children. You do not in the end have total control of all of those kinds of circumstances either, no matter how well you plan. You must trust God to take care of those things.
Click to expand...
What a beautifully thoughtful and caring answer!
I am actually a Christian in RCIA classes on my way to becoming Catholic and my husband is Christian as well.
Before I even began classes, I made sure it was okay with him first.
He’s fine with us raising our children Catholic - but has no interest (at this time) to become a Catholic himself - which is fine by me because I know in my heart that once he sees the change in our children and in me, he will want to know more about the faith that I have fallen in love with.
All I can say to you is, like most of the others on the panel here have said in one way or another - continue being the wonderful wife you are being, pray for him, try not to be anxious about it, be patient and most of all be a shining example of the faith to him.
Portray the faith in the most positive life and allow him to see your happiness and love.
In the end, it is his decision, and God’s will - but love (and patience) conquers all!

Much love and may God Bless you!
:blessyou:
Your sister in faith
Lisa
:hug1:
 
Carol_Rene said:
I don’t deny that he is a good man, but I want him to feel love for Jesus.
As for potentially causing stress in the marriage by pressuring him I respectfully would like to point out that I have just as much distress by knowing that this man I love so much does not believe in Jesus. Simply playing the good wife and not trying to share my faith with him seems to be counter-productive. Plus, what if I should die? None of us like to think of the worst possible scenario but I honestly believe it is important for my children to have the stability of the RCC in their life. If I were to die tomorrow he is ill-prepared to raise our son as a Catholic or even a Christian. We’re a military family so most of the time all we have is each other, so even my parents wouldn’t be able to assist much.
This is not the same problem as a Christian non-Catholic married to a Catholic, he doesn’t believe in Jesus at all.
The question is not about how to be a good wife or how to love him, but how to speak to him about Jesus.
As for the hypothetical Muslim husband question if he felt strongly his way and me mine I can’t see that as a marriage working in the long run. I cannot forsake God just because of a man. That means switching religions or pretending that the denial of God does not offend me to my spouse. My love for Jesus is greater than my need for a quiet marriage.
Click to expand...
Carol - by being a loving wife you are doing more than speaking about Jesus… you are showing him Jesus. I obviously don’t know you or your husband personally, but I sense some urgency here… you want your husband to be on the same page spiritually and you want it asap. Unfortunately, pressuring (which comes from urgency) rarely achieves that result. Faith is such a personal journey, and you alluded to that when you mentioned his background experience of watching his mom be involved in a strange church.

As someone who has a family filled with situations like this, here’s what has helped in the long run at least for us:
  1. Usually, when one person rediscovers their faith or converts to a new faith, there is a “honeymoon” phase where that person is so swelled with joy that they want everyone else to join them. Their zeal, while well-intentioned, is usually interpreted as pressure to those not “there” yet. Intense debates, often leading to fighting, screaming, tension in the family ensues.
  2. At some point, at least in the healthy situations in my own family, the faith-filled person realizes that they do not have the power alone to convict their loved one. They stop pressuring… preferably sooner than later. In my sister’s case she stopped talking about the faith completely because the tension had gotten so bad.
  3. She replaced the faith arguments with lots of love, respect, while also pursuing her own spiritual growth. She never hid her beliefs but never was overt either. Remember, your husband is prob a smart man. He knows what you believe at this point and your desires. He’s going to need space now to process that in his own time.
  4. All the children breathe a sigh of relief because mom/dad isn’t beating the other mom/dad over the head with a Bible anymore and the non-believing parent isn’t saying confusing things about the faith anymore.
  5. The non-believer, feeling loved, slowly moves back into the “circle of intimacy.” They begin to feel like it’s okay to be themselves again around their partner without feeling judged or inadequate and start acting in supportive ways towards the faith. They begin to see some benefits to being Christian/Catholic and even start to converse again about the faith. In my family, this process has taken years.
My sister’s husband converted after 4 years of marriage and 2 children. My mother “came around” several years after my stepdad’s conversion. Some people take even longer. It was completely on their own terms… my sister had ceased forcing the issue several years before as did my stepdad. Now, there were others in the non-believers’ lives who did push the issue a little more, like trusted friends and in my mom’s case, her own adult kids. So make some good friends who are Catholic that your husband can connect with! But it’s just really hard to be an evangelist AND a spouse… doesn’t usually work. 😦

Okay I rambled way longer here than I expected. I wish you the best. It’s awesome your “home” again. 🙂 And trust God with your child and your husband (easier said than done!)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top