Married to previous vocation discerner?

[kristleful]

Is anyone here married to someone who was previously discerning a religious vocation? Especially while dating you? My recent boyfriend wants to marry me but feels that God wants him to live the life of a Dominican for at least a year to make sure whether or not he’s called to be a Dominican. It’s the only religious order he feels drawn to. I keep asking whether or not he feels called to be a Dominican, and he keeps saying he only knows that he’s supposed to try it for a year. So, we broke up and he’s planning to enter the priory in August. It’s hard for both of us, and he’s planning to find me again if he ends up coming back after that year. I want to know if anyone knows of a situation in which a couple broke up for one to discern the religious life, and then they ended up getting back together…

Any thoughts or similar experiences?

 

[Footprints04]

I’m afraid I don’t know any couple that took a years break like that, nor am I going through this myself. But I want to say you are a very strong woman to be going through this, and I would definitely have struggled to be put in this situation. I wonder if it would be beneficial for you to find a good Catholic counselor to meet with off and on throughout this year? It just might help to have someone to talk to.

Also did you make any agreements about not dating while you were broken up? I doubt you really would consider it, but at the same time I’d hate for you to feel like your life is on hold until you hear from him. Maybe just surrounding yourself with lots of girlfriends and enjoying the year connecting with them before figuring out where your life is going.

Also maybe spending this year doing some discerning of your own would be good. Whether you are called to be a wife/mother, called to singlehood for longer, etc.

I’m not sure if anything I said helps, but I do know that it is definitely a difficult situation you are facing. My prayers go out to you, and I hope everything works out for the best!

 

[kristleful]

Thank you, Footprints04, for your kind encouragement. Yes, it has been very difficult for me, but I have become so much more peaceful about it. I found that at first, after being desperately heartbroken that I might lose him, I thought a lot about whether I am supposed to be with someone else, kind of to try and cheer myself up, I think. But since then I have settled into a mostly peaceful state, feeling that I’m not meant to marry for a while. If I could only know that he’ll come back after that year, I would be so content waiting for him! We are so good for each other (we dated for a year before he decided he should enter the priory) and we bring each other closer to God… He is my best friend and I feel God loves me through him. I would wait even two or three years for him! The hard thing is just not knowing if he’s going to come back. That’s why I want to know if this has ever happened to anyone else and turned out well!

In the meantime, we’re trying to figure out whether we should not see each other at all or stay friends until he enters the priory in August. It’s hard to stay friends because we both love each other a lot!

 

[kristleful]

Oh, I just want to add that I went through my own discernment right before we started dating. I thought I might be called to be a Carmelite, but I felt a very strong answer from God while at the convent’s retreat that I am called to the married life. I am very happy with that and willing to let God take all the time He wants with me to prepare me for marriage and motherhood! I am 23 and know I have much to learn!

 

[Sierrah]

My first question to him would be why was he dating in the first place if he felt this call. He should explore it of course to make sure marriage is for him. I wouldn’t wait on him though that’s asking a bit much of you but that’s your decision. I did date a guy who was joining a secular order but later decided to become a priest. If I were you I’d let him explore his calling but I would also date others and leave yourself open to another relationship. After all he’s sort of doing the same thing only instead of dating he’s trying a closer relationship with God.

 

[beckers]

Its my opinon so take the advice however you want…

But he needs to go into this discernment with the domincians with an open heart and mind. Not “let me try it for a year and then go back to this girl who is waiting for me”. Thats not really fair to the organinzation nor you or him. If he feels God is calling him to the vocation then he needs to go in full open to the possiblity that he might be truly called to be a brother or a priest.He doesn’t need the ties of “oh i pormised her i would come back to her”. He might be torn between a promise and his calling. If he is not meant to be there then he will learn that through his discernment process.

As for you. Take sometime to deal and conclude with your emotions from this relationship and then take time for yourself and strength your relationship with God. If he decides to leave the order and your still available at that time then yea date him But you may find out that you are a different girl and that your not interested in dating him. You need to be just as open to the possiblity that he is called to the order and may not come back. Don’t put your life on hold for something that may or may not happen.

 

[FrenchGwen]

Hi Kristleful !
I just wanted to hug you because I know how you feel: I went through this 3 years ago and we’ve now been married for 3 months…
Before we met he had been discerning his vocation and felt strongly drawn to becoming a priest. When we met this call first disappeared and so we dated and began to build our relationship, but then his call came back and that was a very, very difficult time for both of us.
I found it difficult to invest in our relationship where I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t remain alone with a broken heart some time later. I nevertheless decided to go forward, because to him it was clear there would be no other girl than me: it was either me or his vocation, and I felt if I left him I would be deciding on his behalf. So it was hard for… 6 - 8 months, we talked a lot about it, and that was all the more difficult as the following year we were going to be studying in differents countries.
Before we parted, he discerned that he was called to both, but that God would let him choose the path he would be happy in, and he decided for me. I was very relieved. Yet this didn’t prevent some doubts coming up some times, even during our engagement and marriage preparation.
Today we’re happily married… He thanked me often that I had stood by him all this time and thus enabled him to make his decision.

Your story is a bit different because your bf feels the need to “test” dominican life… I agree with beckers that it could harm his discerning, and therefore harm both of you, if he went to the Dominicans only half-heartedly… Should he persist in this desire, I could see that it would be better if you didn’t promise anything to each other, and you opened yourself to other ‘opportunities’. I know this is the least thing you can imagine now, but, even if you decide in your heart that you will stay faithful to him, it might be better not to tell him. Otherwise he might not be able to concentrate on this dominican year.

I know this is a difficult way to go, and I will pray for you.