Married vows health

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irishguy1970

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Good morning to all

Background - I married my bride 25 years ago we have 3 beautiful children typical leave it to beaver home ---- I am blessed - we are blessed

However - I know we have al read these comments - but ----- when we got married I was 6’3" 225 very fit - she was 5’4" 110 very fit - - we were both very active - ate well - did stuff together - NOW - NOTHING - I am still the same guy - active - coaching soccer - the gym - hiking - eatwell, she just stopped trying - she is now 5’4" 210

Am I wrong to consider what she did as breaking the vows of honoring and cherishing - I view what she had done as dishonoring me - and not cherishing me - she knew when we got married how important all that was to me - and she never gave me an indication that she felt different - I have tried supporting her - asking her to go for walk - hiking - I cook for her but she is all to content to sit on the couch play on her home and eat ice cream…

When is it ok to say – I’m leaving - I have 30 years of vibrant life ahead and the partner I expected to have is no longer th partner I have - not even a reasonable facsimile - we get old yes - BUT THIS — she is literally 100 pounds heavier than when I married her and she can’t even walk up stairs much less walk the beach with me.

I love her - she is my best friend - but I also need a companion that will do stuff with me - what do I do
 
I am willing to listen - this ai real discussion - why am I wrong - did she not take vows of health as well as sickness - is it honoring our marriage when she stops trying to be healthy?
 
irishguy1970 said:
Am I wrong to consider what she did as breaking the vows of honoring and cherishing
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Maybe you need to remember the for worse part of your vows.
irishguy1970 said:
I also need a companion that will do stuff with me
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If it was just about doing stuff with you I’m sure you can find people to exercise with you. But it’s not really about that is it? You’re not attracted to your wife any more and want to find a slimmer model.
 
irishguy1970 said:
the partner I expected to have is no longer th partner I have
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You don’t marry someone and expect them to remain the same always. I assure you despite you saying otherwise, you are not the same as when you married.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to want your partner to be fit and healthy and wanting to do activities with you that you enjoy. But you’re doing it completely wrong. Find new activities to do together. Make friends to exercise and hike with.

You’re focusing on the wrong things. You and your wife are more than your heights and weights. She hasn’t dishonoured you or stopped cherishing you, in fact it is you who is dishonouring and refusing to cherish her. You are leaving her and not upholding your vows to her. For better and for worse, remember?
 
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no I love the companionship of having my life partner do the thing I love to do - and she used to love to do them - I like talking about our life and future kids etc… but I would love to be able to do it when we are active - life is better fit - I love her and my love keeps the attraction there but Inow in 10 years she is going to be bed ridden and I will be running and hiking still ------ shouldn’t she has some responsibility to keep up her fitness - for our marriages sake
 
I am not leaving her ----- I am asking if I and wrong to think about it - and in all honesty I am the same guy physically - actually I take my fitness rather seriously — I feel I made a vow to her to stay healthy as she dedicated her life to me I owe her that
 
irishguy1970 said:
Good morning to all

Background - I married my bride 25 years ago we have 3 beautiful children typical leave it to beaver home ---- I am blessed - we are blessed

However - I know we have al read these comments - but ----- when we got married I was 6’3" 225 very fit - she was 5’4" 110 very fit - - we were both very active - ate well - did stuff together - NOW - NOTHING - I am still the same guy - active - coaching soccer - the gym - hiking - eatwell, she just stopped trying - she is now 5’4" 210

Am I wrong to consider what she did as breaking the vows of honoring and cherishing -
**Yes, you are wrong. ** I view what she had done as dishonoring me - and not cherishing me - No, that is not dishonoring you. She is not lying, cheating, speaking disrespectfully to you, she has been leave it to beaver perfect according to you. she knew when we got married how important all that was to me - and she never gave me an indication that she felt different What did you think that she hid it from you that after having 3 kids she planned on letting herself go? It is not something most people think they need to say. “hey, I promise I will stay fit and skinny for you for the rest of my life,” bank on it!- I have tried supporting her - asking her to go for walk - hiking - I cook for her but she is all to content to sit on the couch play on her home and eat ice cream… So have you ever considered everything is not as happy as the picture you paint? Maybe she is depressed or feels unappreciated or unloved? Perhaps she needs a full physical check up or mental evaluation.

When is it ok to say – I’m leaving -Has every avenue has been walked, including marriage counseling, and/or separate counseling and speaking with your pastor? you have no righto just give up over how your wife looks. I have 30 years of vibrant life ahead and the partner I expected The partner you expected? Maybe your expectations are unrealistic. to have is no longer th partner I have - not even a reasonable facsimile - we get old yes - BUT THIS — she is literally 100 pounds heavier than when I married her and she can’t even walk up stairs much less walk the beach with me.

I love her -You need to act like you do. she is my best friend - but I also need a companion that will do stuff with me - what do I do
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You have many things to think about.
 
Irishmom2 said:
So have you ever considered everything is not as happy as the picture you paint? Maybe she is depressed or feels unappreciated or unloved? Perhaps she needs a full physical check up or mental evaluation.
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I have asked her to do that - I have prep meals for her - I have asked her to walk with me to hike with me - I cook for her - I support her in every way I can - but she has to want to change her health I can’t but i DO support her - I will say that YES people age and get sick I understand that - BUT you also have an obligation to maintain your health ---- that is scripture as well
 
irishguy1970 said:
I am not leaving her ----- I am asking if I and wrong to think about it - and in all honesty I am the same guy physically - actually I take my fitness rather seriously — I feel I made a vow to her to stay healthy as she dedicated her life to me I owe her that
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What if she had had an accident and became unable to walk due to that?
irishguy1970 said:
I am asking if I and wrong to think about it
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I don’t think somebody who genuinely loved their wife and children would consider leaving with what you have described. I can imagine being worried about how long you may get together, but not thinking about cutting that time short.

One other thing: The marriage vows also say to be faithful. Even if your spouse breaks that vow it does not give you a license to cheat on them.
 
who said I was cheating - if anything she is the one who is not forsaking all others ---- food is one of those thing

forsaking all others is anything that comes between you and your spouse — anything - not just people
 
irishguy1970 said:
I am willing to listen - this ai real discussion - why am I wrong - did she not take vows of health as well as sickness - is it honoring our marriage when she stops trying to be healthy?
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The vows are that she will stick with you even when you get sick and VV. Weight is not an illness, but, it might be signs of an underlying illness, so, a good physical is important.

While I am sure there are exceptions, in general, no one says “Hmmmm, to heck with my marriage vows, I want to gain 100 lbs!!!”

Some women have amazing genetic material and can bounce right back to their size 2 jeans when they get home from having the baby. Celebrities do it every time (yet we forget they have a full staff of nannies, trainers, chefs, housekeepers, etc.)

For the rest of us mortal women, it is not that easy. Our bodies have put on weight and our skin is stretched out. We are now responsible for keeping a tiny human alive. Then we still have work to do, be it stay at home mom or work outside the home, the work of a mom is never done. Our sleep suffers, this has a HUGE impact on our overall health.

Eating right? Imagine having a nurseling (so you HAVE to consume enough calories to make quality milk) a picky 3 year old and a 5 year old who will only eat white and brown food. So now I have to cook different meals for everyone?

Each pregnancy has added more lbs, but, not added any more hours to the day.

My guess is your wife, like me, looks at old pictures and LONGS to have that svelt body back but it is simply more work than she has energy.

Hire a housekeeper to come in twice each week to take that off her back. Take on grocery shopping and cooking yourself (as well as clean up after). Shopping online for groceries makes it so easy, either/both can even do the order online!

Start date nights. Every week give her one night to not worry about snotty noses or homework.

Let her sleep til noon on Saturday, or, if she is a morning person, tell her to take that time just for herself.

Find a gym with childcare and go together.
 
irishguy1970 said:
who said I was cheating - if anything she is the one who is not forsaking all others ---- food is one of those thing

forsaking all others is anything that comes between you and your spouse — anything - not just people
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I’m not saying anything about you cheating, just using an example to illustrate that your spouse breaking their vows to you does not mean you can break yours to them.
 
Housekeeper is hired - I do the laundry and kitchen duties - I want date nights but she is not so into them - she already sleeps 10 hours a day - I bought her 3 gym membership and the kids are in school - she doesn’t need child care to go - she is at home

I am sorry jsut so frustrated
 
When was the last time you put her first? You are out hiking and going to the gym without her. Have the 18 year old take the other kids to a movie and pizza while you put on her favorite album and dance in the living room.

Buy Matthew Kelly’s “7 Levels of Intimacy”. Read it, put it into practice.
 
What stands out to me in your posts is that you prioritise physical exercise – so much so that you say in over 25yrs your physical condition has not changed. Clearly you have expected the same of her, and this is where your unhappiness lies. For the record, I do agree with your desire for your wife to be healthy.

However, you need to change your expectations. After 25 years, you can’t possibly think that your wife shouldn’t have changed at all. The fact that she is now uninterested in physical exercise and has put on weight doesn’t mean she has broken her vows at all.

I think you need to try a different approach. I understand why your wife wouldn’t want to go to a gym, honestly – if you aren’t a fit person they can seem very intimidating. Perhaps she would prefer a personal trainer, if you have the money for one?

I suggest not buying any kind of memberships for her unless she says she wants them herself. She may feel like you’re trying to railroad her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Would it be possible to have date nights at home? Watch a film together or cook a meal? Do you ever partake in her interests or do you just want her to join you in yours?

If you are really struggling, go to marital counselling together. She most likely hasn’t realised how much this is affecting you. Or it could be she knows but doesn’t know what to do about it and doesn’t want to admit it to anyone.
 
Sounds like depression to me - a doctor’s visit might be in order
 
irishguy1970 said:
When is it ok to say – I’m leaving
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It’s not. Remember the part about “for better or worse,” and “in sickness and in health?”
irishguy1970 said:
did she not take vows of health as well as sickness -
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No, she did not, and neither did you. You are deliberately misinterpreting. The vow is to stick with each other in sickness AND in health. It’s not hard to understand. Ask anyone who’s spouse has developed serious/terminal illness after marriage.
 
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