Married with a moral dilemma...please help!

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devinemercy

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I have been married for 13 years and I am a devout Catholic. I am 4 months pregnant with my fourth child. A month ago a had a severe hemorrhage, but miracuoulsly, the baby survived! They discovered I have a separation/tear in my placenta so I am now a high risk pregnancy and on modified bed rest…with this I cannot have sexual intercourse. My husband is wonderfully supportive and very good to me and our children. My dilemma is because I cannot have intercourse, my husband would like to engage in oral or manual sex until the baby is born so we can still be intimate. I don’t want to be in the state of mortal sin, but I feel my husband will resent the faith because he doesn’t feel that anything you do in marriage and is of love is a sin. Like I said…he is open to life and I am in fact, pregnant…so we wouldn’t be preventing pregnancy…but I still am not sure if having oral or manual intimacy is forbidden in this circumstance. I want to still be a loving wife and be intimate with my husband because we have a wonderful and healthy marriage. I don’t want to turn him off from the faith by telling him it is mortal sin to be together now. I’m so confused and embarrassed to even ask about this…but it is causing me so much stress and I am avoiding my husband at night by falling asleep before he comes upstairs. I feel very badly about doing that and I don’t want to cause a problem in our marriage. Can anyone offer me advice? I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
 
You are on bed rest because of a pregnancy and your husband still expects sexual favors from you? Is this the only thing that keeps him happy? It seems he should be thinking more about the situation you and your child are in than his needs.
 
Time for husband to grow up and share the burdens of parenthood and the sacrifice of giving up something for someone else’s benefit. It’s not about being Catholic or not. It’s about a man who has his priorities out of whack. Oral sex can be VERY VERY dangerous done on a pregnant woman! And you don’t need the contractions that can come about from being stimulated.

And he really should carry your cross with you. If you can’t do it, why should he? This is supposed to be a group project. You have a terrible physical burden and stress and three little children to take care of. It’s time he shouldered it with you.

Find ways to show affection that doesn’t lead to sex. Tell him this lovingly. But you really need to see him as a man of self control and sacrifice.
 
devinemercy said:
I have been married for 13 years and I am a devout Catholic. I am 4 months pregnant with my fourth child. A month ago a had a severe hemorrhage, but miracuoulsly, the baby survived! They discovered I have a separation/tear in my placenta so I am now a high risk pregnancy and on modified bed rest…with this I cannot have sexual intercourse.
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I am glad to hear you and the baby are OK! Praise God for that!
devinemercy said:
My husband is wonderfully supportive and very good to me and our children. My dilemma is because I cannot have intercourse, my husband would like to engage in oral or manual sex until the baby is born so we can still be intimate.
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Any sexual activity between spouses MUST include intercourse or it is merely masterbation-- a clear violation of the Sixth Commandment and grave matter. It is a disordered use of our genitals to manually stimulate without any intention of it leading to intercourse.
devinemercy said:
I don’t want to be in the state of mortal sin, but I feel my husband will resent the faith because he doesn’t feel that anything you do in marriage and is of love is a sin.
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That’s HIS problem, you cannot sin to please your husband. He needs to study and pray about this.
devinemercy said:
Like I said…he is open to life and I am in fact, pregnant…so we wouldn’t be preventing pregnancy…
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The issue is not whether or not the couple is “open to life” or not. Each sex act must be both unitive and procreative (a *complete *and *unaltered *act of intercourse) or else we are misusing our sexuality.
devinemercy said:
.but I still am not sure if having oral or manual intimacy is forbidden in this circumstance. I want to still be a loving wife and be intimate with my husband because we have a wonderful and healthy marriage. I don’t want to turn him off from the faith by telling him it is mortal sin to be together now. I’m so confused and embarrassed to even ask about this…but it is causing me so much stress and I am avoiding my husband at night by falling asleep before he comes upstairs. I feel very badly about doing that and I don’t want to cause a problem in our marriage. Can anyone offer me advice? I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
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I suggest you and your husband study the subject-- such as Theology of the Body for Beginners or Christopher West’s The Good News About Sex and Marriage.

Be honest with him. If it “turns him off” well, then so be it. You are responsible to God for your actions. And, he’d be pretty selfish to ask you to sin mortally and to be unable to control himself for a few months while you are in a high risk pregnancy.
 
devinemercy said:
I have been married for 13 years and I am a devout Catholic. I am 4 months pregnant with my fourth child. A month ago a had a severe hemorrhage, but miracuoulsly, the baby survived! They discovered I have a separation/tear in my placenta so I am now a high risk pregnancy and on modified bed rest…with this I cannot have sexual intercourse. My husband is wonderfully supportive and very good to me and our children. My dilemma is because I cannot have intercourse, my husband would like to engage in oral or manual sex until the baby is born so we can still be intimate. I don’t want to be in the state of mortal sin, but I feel my husband will resent the faith because he doesn’t feel that anything you do in marriage and is of love is a sin. Like I said…he is open to life and I am in fact, pregnant…so we wouldn’t be preventing pregnancy…but I still am not sure if having oral or manual intimacy is forbidden in this circumstance. I want to still be a loving wife and be intimate with my husband because we have a wonderful and healthy marriage. I don’t want to turn him off from the faith by telling him it is mortal sin to be together now. I’m so confused and embarrassed to even ask about this…but it is causing me so much stress and I am avoiding my husband at night by falling asleep before he comes upstairs. I feel very badly about doing that and I don’t want to cause a problem in our marriage. Can anyone offer me advice? I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
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First of all the fact that you are pregnant is a beautiful, wonderful blessing…and at the same time totally irrelevant to this question. Pregnancy doesn’t create some kind of loop hole. It sounds like you’re motivated by a fear of disappointing versus a desire for self donation. It sounds like your husband is motivated by a want for release versus a desire for self donation. This is a stress neither of you need, especially at this time.

If his faith really hinges upon gettin’ some, then he’s probably not going to listen very well to a lesson on mortal sin…at least not right now. Keep reassuring him that you love him. Keep reassuring him that you still find him attractive. Assure him that you look forward to the day when you can again become one flesh.

Perhaps you could suggest that getting excited with him might pose a risk to the baby, and that getting him excited really gets you excited so for the baby’s sake you should refrain from getting excited. This might draw his focus away from himself and put it on the health of his child. Rejection is the thing that will probably drive him more nuts than the lack of physical intimacy. So you need to convey that you’re not rejecting him, you simply cannot be with him that way right now. And yes, it’s way easier said than done.

I will pray for the health of your child. My godson is in the neonatal intensive care unit right now having been born at 26 weeks gestation. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. If you want to PM me, I’ll send you to a link where you and your husband can see him. This might help him put his sexual appetite in check. Take your bed rest seriously.
 
I agree with the other posters here, they said it all correctly. Time for him to join in the difficulties of parenthood.

Surely he can wait till the baby is born.
 
I know that if you look at older threads here it seems like the phrases “Theology of the Body” and “tell your husband to keep it in his pants” become a sort of quasi-litany. 😉

However, you have heard sound (though perhaps brusque) advice from fellow Catholics. For a spouse to push a disordered sexual act is a terrible distortion of what God intended to marital embrace to be. For your husband to state that he will “resent the Faith” if he doesn’t get what he wants is like my 5 year old telling me that she’s going to “hold her breath” because I won’t let her have Snickers for dinner.

When it comes right down to it, Christ warned us that authentic discipleship wasn’t going to be an easy ride. Hopefully, an open dialogue with your husband will help you bear each others’ crosses.

FMS
 
I just want to thank everyone who offered their advice, support and knowledge of the faith. When I posted, I guess in my heart I knew what you all would say…but I guess i needed to hear it from others who also want to please God above all else.

Here is the update…I spoke with my husband last night and explained to him that this is a time of sacrifice and I went on to tell him how I was feeling…that I was avoiding him because I didn’t want to commit mortal sin and I didn’t want to turn him off from the faith (he is actually in the RCIA program and trying to get on board with me in the faith, so I am trying to be patient as he is just beginning his journey.) I told him that he just doesn’t understand what God’s plan was for human sexuality and I would like very much to read the books many of you suggested together. I reassured him that my love for him isn’t any less because we cannot be intimate for a few months…and I asked if he loved me any less because I am asking to wait till we can be together in a way that is pleasing to God…He felt so bad he couldn’t even look at me…he just said" I’m so sorry I made you feel this way. I would never do anything to jeopardize your health or the baby’s health…I will wait as long as it takes." He may not fully understand the teaching of the church on human sexuality yet…but he seems open and maybe that was part of God’s plan at this time…a time of chasity to discover the true meaning of the sacrament of marriage and it’s BEAUTY! Please pray for him that he will remain open to hear the message and fully join me in raising our cathloic family.

My prayers are with all of you and thank you for your honesty!
 
devinemercy said:
I have been married for 13 years and I am a devout Catholic. I am 4 months pregnant with my fourth child. A month ago a had a severe hemorrhage, but miracuoulsly, the baby survived! They discovered I have a separation/tear in my placenta so I am now a high risk pregnancy and on modified bed rest…with this I cannot have sexual intercourse. My husband is wonderfully supportive and very good to me and our children. My dilemma is because I cannot have intercourse, my husband would like to engage in oral or manual sex until the baby is born so we can still be intimate. I don’t want to be in the state of mortal sin, but I feel my husband will resent the faith because he doesn’t feel that anything you do in marriage and is of love is a sin. Like I said…he is open to life and I am in fact, pregnant…so we wouldn’t be preventing pregnancy…but I still am not sure if having oral or manual intimacy is forbidden in this circumstance. I want to still be a loving wife and be intimate with my husband because we have a wonderful and healthy marriage. I don’t want to turn him off from the faith by telling him it is mortal sin to be together now. I’m so confused and embarrassed to even ask about this…but it is causing me so much stress and I am avoiding my husband at night by falling asleep before he comes upstairs. I feel very badly about doing that and I don’t want to cause a problem in our marriage. Can anyone offer me advice? I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
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no you cannot engage in that. not at all. it would be a mortal sin to do so. the man is to empty the seed inside the woman, and since you cannot have that done for obvious reasons, then engaging in that type of sex would be a mortal sin. stop stressing about it, and have a talk with your husband. God must come first and not the other way around. you cannot compromise your morals and values for a moment of pleasure because your worried about your husband. stop avoiding him and have a talk with him. ask him to speak to your priest if it becomes an issue, but speak with him first. under no circumstances at this point in time should you be engaging in sex. do as your doctor tells you, and your concsience as well. but do not engage in that type of sex. iam quite sure your man can wait until after the baby is born. a strong marriage can handle this wait. you need to speak to him, and do it soon, but do not stress yourself out over it. talk to him gently, but under no circumstances should you compromise on this issue. he can wait until after your baby is born.
 
devinemercy said:
I just want to thank everyone who offered their advice, support and knowledge of the faith. When I posted, I guess in my heart I knew what you all would say…but I guess i needed to hear it from others who also want to please God above all else.

Here is the update…I spoke with my husband last night and explained to him that this is a time of sacrifice and I went on to tell him how I was feeling…that I was avoiding him because I didn’t want to commit mortal sin and I didn’t want to turn him off from the faith (he is actually in the RCIA program and trying to get on board with me in the faith, so I am trying to be patient as he is just beginning his journey.) I told him that he just doesn’t understand what God’s plan was for human sexuality and I would like very much to read the books many of you suggested together. I reassured him that my love for him isn’t any less because we cannot be intimate for a few months…and I asked if he loved me any less because I am asking to wait till we can be together in a way that is pleasing to God…He felt so bad he couldn’t even look at me…he just said" I’m so sorry I made you feel this way. I would never do anything to jeopardize your health or the baby’s health…I will wait as long as it takes." He may not fully understand the teaching of the church on human sexuality yet…but he seems open and maybe that was part of God’s plan at this time…a time of chasity to discover the true meaning of the sacrament of marriage and it’s BEAUTY! Please pray for him that he will remain open to hear the message and fully join me in raising our cathloic family.

My prayers are with all of you and thank you for your honesty!
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That is truly excellent news! Your husband sounds like a wonderful man who wants to draw closer to you and to God.

I am glad you decided to be honest with him!
 
Beautiful news, but no man is greater than the flesh remember, he will still have his doubts and he will be thinking about if often. Keep strong, pray and help each other through.

Good news though.

God Bless
 
It looks like you married a great guy who is caring and loving to you and the kids. As he progresses in his CAtholic education he will come to learn and understand the moral teachings and be happy that he made the right choice.
I will pray for you that you have a safe delivery and you and the baby is all right and for your Husband that he will grow strong in the Catholic faith.

All The Best

Mayo
 
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