Married with Children...So lonely

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Mr_Lonely

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I’m married with 3 kids. I love my wife very much, and even though my kids can be a handful (all under 5), they are the joy in my life. As a father, I’m of the belief that my job is the love, provide, protect, and help guide my family. My wife and I don’t really have any close friends. My wife stays in contact with her sisters and cousins via texts, chats, etc. They all live fairly far away. I know she gets lonely and I know she sometimes gets overwhelmed staying home everyday with the kids. I try to do what I can, but what happens when I need some support? There is so much talk about the burdens of being a stay at home mom, but what about the father who feels that the world is on their shoulders? I know my wife loves me, but I don’t think she knows what to do, or can even acknowledge when I need help. Therefore, I’m left to my own devices.

We are practicing Catholics, although as of late we haven’t been that active, but the none the less, we consider ourselves devout Roman Catholics. I mention this because I know the Catholic response to life’s woes, “Go back to the Church.” “Put your faith in the Lord.” And I agree with all of this. I’m just looking for some feedback on what others have done in conjunction with the faith. Thank you for time and I appreciate any response to this thread.
 
Mr Lonely said:

“I know she gets lonely and I know she sometimes gets overwhelmed staying home everyday with the kids.”

She shouldn’t be staying home every day with the kids. She should be, whenever possible, doing a morning outing every day and making local friends.

And I say this as an introvert–this is an important part of the SAHM job.

“There is so much talk about the burdens of being a stay at home mom, but what about the father who feels that the world is on their shoulders? I know my wife loves me, but I don’t think she knows what to do, or can even acknowledge when I need help. Therefore, I’m left to my own devices.”

You’ve got half the weight of the world on your shoulders–your wife has the other half. Time to look for some help.

Can you guys afford an occasional babysitter?
 
Your oldest is 5, so he’s at least in preschool. Many of your “couples friends” will be the parents of the friends your child makes at school. It’s good for you and good for the kids! Is there another family that your wife enjoys that you could invite over for a barbecue/kids play date? What usually ends up happening is that the kids run off and play and the ladies do their thing and the guys can talk over a couple beers while barbecuing. That’s how you can relax and enjoy the company of others, ultimately making closer friends!
 
I encourage my wife to do so, but logistically it’s very difficult to go out and about with three toddlers (twin 4 yr olds, and one 2 year old). I do encourage her to have “mommy time.” Basically time away where I take care of the kids and the home.

Unfortunately, hiring a babysitter would make things financially challenging for us. Some families would rely on grandparents to assist, but unfortunately my parents are unable to assist, and her parents aren’t the type.

I thank you for taking moment to reply to my post, but I couldn’t help but observe that you zero’d in on the parts regarding my wife versus what I was asking. I can’t help but feel that the father is further insignificant to the social perceptions of a stay at home mom.
 
Mr. Lonely, I don’t think anyone thinks the social lives of fathers is insignificant. However, when you and your wife are working so hard just to keep the home together (I have four young kids, so I get that it’s work work work), you can kind of be “on your own” to figure this stuff out. Your wife is probably not going to phone up other men and try to arrange playdates for you. In fact, I bet she has already suggested that you go out with a coworker for a beer after work, go catch a local sports game, shoot hoops, hunt, whatever it is you like to do. She is responsible for her social life, and it seems like hers could be improved as well.

It’s not that nobody cares. It’s that everyone is busting their butts, and with three little kids you are working nonstop from sunup to sundown and often in between. There just isn’t much time for the spouses to handhold one another through small personal crises when there are three babies who, frankly, need the finite amount of attention that exists even more. YOU need to figure out a way to connect with others and have a social life. And it can be done, without a lot of money and without a lot of time away from the house.
 
Mr Lonely said:

“I thank you for taking moment to reply to my post, but I couldn’t help but observe that you zero’d in on the parts regarding my wife versus what I was asking. I can’t help but feel that the father is further insignificant to the social perceptions of a stay at home mom.”

You’d be wrong to think that.

Your family is a single organic unit, and all of you are interconnected. If you are able to improve your wife’s life by increasing the amount of companionship and leisure she has, that will mean that she has more energy and time to give you (although initially, she’ll probably just need to recuperate–so manage your expectations). Also, if your wife makes mom friends, she’ll be able to bring potential dad friends into your life and she’ll have more support, so you won’t be called on as much.

Avocado mom is quite right about how social life works for parents your age. The birthday circuit is a very big chunk of young parents’ social lives. Finding funds preschool for one child could be a very valuable investment in your family’s social life.

Also, unless you work as a lighthouse keeper, you have a lot of social opportunities via work. Why don’t you start doing a lunch out or picnic lunch with coworkers? Also, start thinking now about what hobbies you would like to explore when you have time. When my husband and I had kids your kids’ age, he didn’t do much hobby-wise (beyond a little programming), but once the kids were school age, he started doing archery, amateur astronomy, woodworking, and so forth, and he’s shared his interests with our kids. My husband is definitely an introvert, but he has quite a number of friends.

Regarding friendship, you won’t get out more than you put in. If you want friends, be a friend. Welcome new neighbors and be helpful to new coworkers.
 
Avocadomom said:

“Your wife is probably not going to phone up other men and try to arrange playdates for you. In fact, I bet she has already suggested that you go out with a coworker for a beer after work, go catch a local sports game, shoot hoops, hunt, whatever it is you like to do.”

Yep. Or if she hasn’t, she ought to. You can tell her that some ladies on the internet told you that both of you should start having some free time. Your kids are right at the age where this should start being more and more feasible.

“YOU need to figure out a way to connect with others and have a social life.”

Yep.
 
Mr_Lonely said:
Thank you both for your replies and suggestions.
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Have you told your wife you feel lonely? If I were married, I’d want to know my husband felt lonely. I know that being a stay-at-home mom with small kids can be stressful, but if she knows you’re lonely then she’ll know to look for opportunities to give you whatever love and support you need. She may just be so caught up in childrearing she doesn’t realize she’s neglecting you. Can you arrange quality time with each other every day, even if it’s just a ten minutes? I know it’s hard with small kids but you should be way up there priority-wise. Maybe you can come up with ideas together. One couple I read about hugged every time they passed each other in the hall. Not everyone would like that but it was their way off reconnecting. Maybe you guys could find something like that too?
 
Mr_Lonely said:
I encourage my wife to do so, but logistically it’s very difficult to go out and about with three toddlers (twin 4 yr olds, and one 2 year old). I do encourage her to have “mommy time.” Basically time away where I take care of the kids and the home.

Unfortunately, hiring a babysitter would make things financially challenging for us. Some families would rely on grandparents to assist, but unfortunately my parents are unable to assist, and her parents aren’t the type.

I thank you for taking moment to reply to my post, but I couldn’t help but observe that you zero’d in on the parts regarding my wife versus what I was asking. I can’t help but feel that the father is further insignificant to the social perceptions of a stay at home mom.
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Twins! We have twins! This may sound kind of funny, but the first thing I would suggest is to go on outings with just one of your children at a time, your spouse having the other two, and vice versa. They will ADORE having a parent all to themselves! It can be breakfast out, or it can be demonstrating how you fix a hinge or install a new light to just one child at a time. Parenting just one child at a time also has special rewards. It is so much easier and so much calmer, you will not believe it. It will be a practice you will all treasure. It will also give your twins the experience of life going solo, which they will come to enjoy, too. Too much of anybody can be too much of a good thing! Schools very often suggest separating twins who are too “buddy-buddy” to socialize at school as individuals. (Something I would suggest putting off until at least first grade, but that is another thread…) Your singleton will also enjoy a chance to have Mom or Dad with no competition from the older ones.

Our local twins club was very helpful. They not only had social events for parents with their children and sans kids for both moms and dads–wow! people who really understand your twin stories!!–but also a database with the children of all the members that helped member families find other families with multiples of similar ages, for play dates and such. In our club, families stayed in until their twins were maybe five or six. After that, if you can believe it, twins are actually easier than two children different ages. Two kids, but one soccer practice–you may have that payoff to look forward to! We even had a pair of boy-girl twins on our boys’ baseball team.

If you are near Portland, OR, I highly suggest that you check out Full House Moms and Dads (fullhousemoms.com/). If you find just one or two other guys with twins, you might find a chance to take your twins out with their twins could recharge you a lot, even if you have childcare to do while you do it. If you and your wives take turns having outings where all the dads or all the moms have all the kids while their spouses have time to socialize with each other, it could be very good for all of you, and no babysitter cost at all.

These are just a few of the special opportunities you might be interested in, if only you can find some other parents in a situation similar to yours. Parenting multiples does put a particular stress on a marriage, so the help can be a godsend. If you don’t live near a club for families with multiples, I believe Fullhouse MOMS (the original title stood for "Mothers of Multiples) also has an internet membership available, so you can ask other parents of multiples for ideas that they have found helpful, in the privacy of the group’s members-only forum.
 
I would suggest you get back into the Church and then potentially find a men’s prayer group or Knights of Columbus. That might provide you with some social outlet with strong devote men, to whom you can relate or perhaps have the wisdom and experience of already going through what you have. Or some other volunteering opportunity. I have 3 young children (the eldest just turned 5 and we have another on the way), I joined a choir (church choir) to get in some social activity and it works as a stress outlet too. My husband has been contemplating doing a softball league or an hour of adoration, for himself. Just one night, a week to get out, and depending on your personality it can either be something flexible or not (if you need that push to get out the door).
 
Xantippe said:
She shouldn’t be staying home every day with the kids. She should be, whenever possible, doing a morning outing every day and making local friends.
/QUOTE]

Easier said than done, in many cases.

My wife isn’t(wasn’t) SAHM, and I can vouch for the fact that it’s difficult to have a social life.

I can give the encouragement to keep on going, Mr Lonely. The kids get a little older, and your social world will open up little by little.
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I’m a SAHM and my husband is a lot like you describe yourself to be. We are expecting our 9th, our oldest is 15. It’s so much pressure on the father and too often it is overlooked. It’s easy to see how hard we as moms work to care for our families and to run the household. Many people do see the man’s job as not as hard and that there is no reason for him to be lonely, after all you get out of the house and see “big people” everyday. To be honest, I feel very sad that men are not given nearly as much credit as they should be and are not supported as much as needed. As the wife, I encourage my husband to pursue his interests as often as possible. We live really far from our families and we move often, so a local support group or even a few friends are not really likely for us. What he tends to do is bring our kids out with him. Something he really enjoys is history. He will find local areas like civil war battle reenactments, monuments, museums, caves, festivals and take the kids out with him. He brings the younger ones in backpacks or wagons, and the older ones will explore with him. He also loves mechanical stuff so he finds junk (my term–he says treasures) on craigslist for next to nothing, has the kids help fix it up, and either keeps it or resells it later. The boys enjoy that as much as dad does. The adventure of taking off to drive somewhere new to pick up the junk is a big part of the fun. Our girls prefer dad taking them on trips to flea markets to hunt down junk there. This summer as a family we are going to pan for gold or something crazy before he heads off to Afghanistan. He’s bugged me to do this for years and I finally decided we would go for it. Not really my dream, but he deserves to have the companionship and the fun times he needs and craves as much as I do. There is so much pressure on men to provide that they need the time to just goof off and blow off steam. Men are expected to be the support and strength for their wives and kids but sometimes they need to relax and recharge themselves.

I guess I see things differently than other SAHMs, but I don’t think a daily outing is necessary or even ideal. When kids are very young (under 6), most of them like to just be home. It’s much easier on me to just hang out at home with them and play outside on nice days. My husband and I don’t hire sitters to go out either. Now that we have a few teens we might get away once every couple of months, but we always have at least one or two of the kids with us. We usually do out activities as a whole family instead. We’ve never really understood the idea of “date nights” and getting away from the children. To combat loneliness we stick together as a family and find ways to enjoy life together. We spend way too much time apart with his job so when he’s home we do as much as possible together, and some of the most enjoyable times are sitting on the porch watching the kids catch fireflies or exploring a national park. I’ll say a prayer for you tonight.
 
I would tell your wife your struggles. Even though a wife cannot fulfill all needs (nor should she), she should be aware of your feelings and help as best she can. However, every person needs a friend or two outside of their spouse. If you don’t have any co-workers or old school friends to connect with, then I’d look to your parish. My own church has a Men’s Club, perhaps your has something similar? Otherwise, there are bible study classes, volunteer activities, etc. that you can get involved in and meet people of faith. It would be good for you and your wife to both get more involved in church. Not only will it strengthen your faith life, but it will get you both out and meeting people. It’s also hard to be lonely volunteering for others.

As a stay at home mom, I know it’s important for moms to have alone time, but it is also important for the sole provider to have an outlet besides just work and family, otherwise life can become routine and a drudgery. Schedule time for sports (another way to meet people with similar interests), fishing, hunting, gardening- whatever. Having this outside interest will make you a better father and husband.
 
Once the older ones hit pre-k or kindergarten it will get better because you will have plenty of opportunities to meet and talk with other parents. Even if it’s something as simple as taking your children to a birthday party; you’ll get a couple of hours to hang out with other parents and chat.

I haven’t met any actual friends that way, but I have acquaintances. When I see those same folks at another function, I know who they are, they know me, we get a couple hours or so together.

I’d say I’m still very much a homebody and I too have three little kids. 6, 5 and 1 in my case. I’m doing a bit more in my parish which helps with that aspect of community and I joined a kickball team. It’s not much.

But my Sundays are packed now. Church, teaching CCD and then drinking some beers and playing kickball. Saturdays are good family days now. Rest of the week is filled with work during the day and being a dad/chores at night. Like I said, I still need to develop a hobby and maybe get out a bit more and find a group of guys. But it’s a start I think!
 
Are you an animal lover?

I am. I know I really connect with animals. Make a date and go to the zoo. If the kids like it, the wife likes it, it will work. If you go yourself, it will work. Go feed the giraffes. Let their long, pink tongues take the feed from your hands. Go to the petting zoo. Hug the llamas and sheep. (I had one llama come over and take my straw hat! Talk about connecting.} A family day at the zoo has its advantages: it’s like a party. Bring lunch or go have ice cream. Let the kids experience the love of animals early in life. After I go to the zoo, for example, I come home happy and feeling great. If they have any animal babies to cuddle, that would be nice.

By the way, lions are one of my favorites. I brought my camera along and one lion came over to the fence and posed. After I got the picture, he calmly turned around and walked away. Monkeys are a hoot, and maybe you can find some interesting fish in the aquarium.

I know some zoos charge quite a bit; ours is $30 per person. It can add up, but they have membership tickets where you can get discounts. The reason they charge so much is that the animals need food and vet care.

Saving up for a day at the zoo would be a good goal to work on. Also, visit an animal shelter. (If you take the kids, expect to come home with another family member.) Go to Petsmart and look at the fish or little hamsters. Children like that stuff, and you might as well. The reason I say that is they have interesting reptiles…snakes, lizards, turtles.

I think visiting animals sometimes opens up to special occasions.
 
Arizona_Fat_Gir said:
Are you an animal lover?

I am. I know I really connect with animals. Make a date and go to the zoo. If the kids like it, the wife likes it, it will work. If you go yourself, it will work. Go feed the giraffes. Let their long, pink tongues take the feed from your hands. Go to the petting zoo. Hug the llamas and sheep. (I had one llama come over and take my straw hat! Talk about connecting.} A family day at the zoo has its advantages: it’s like a party. Bring lunch or go have ice cream. Let the kids experience the love of animals early in life. After I go to the zoo, for example, I come home happy and feeling great. If they have any animal babies to cuddle, that would be nice.

By the way, lions are one of my favorites. I brought my camera along and one lion came over to the fence and posed. After I got the picture, he calmly turned around and walked away. Monkeys are a hoot, and maybe you can find some interesting fish in the aquarium.

I know some zoos charge quite a bit; ours is $30 per person. It can add up, but they have membership tickets where you can get discounts. The reason they charge so much is that the animals need food and vet care.

Saving up for a day at the zoo would be a good goal to work on. Also, visit an animal shelter. (If you take the kids, expect to come home with another family member.) Go to Petsmart and look at the fish or little hamsters. Children like that stuff, and you might as well. The reason I say that is they have interesting reptiles…snakes, lizards, turtles.

I think visiting animals sometimes opens up to special occasions.
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I agree the zoo is a fantastic option, and definitely suggest looking into memberships. Where I live the year’s membership costs less than it does to pay for a one-day pass even twice. It also means you don’t have to feel any pressure about trying to see everything and wearing yourself out, you can always come back again another day without spending any money to get in.
 
bitterhope said:

“I guess I see things differently than other SAHMs, but I don’t think a daily outing is necessary or even ideal.”

If the mom is unhappy or lonely being at home, I think she should make an effort to make a daily outing. Sunshine and fresh air are very important.

If she’s happy, she can do whatever she likes.

I personally find myself get cabin fever very quickly (for instance when kids are infectious and have to be kept away from others and we can’t do playdates at home or do outings). I’ve recently discovered the drive-thru for these occasions, which I think is the best thing ever. If only you could buy Gatorade, Baby Tylenol, and milk via a drive-thru…
 
Arizona Fat Gir,

Yes, the zoo is great, if you have one handy. (I just spent a morning outing at ours with some friends and their babies and toddler–it was a chilly day and we were hanging out in some indoor exhibits.) Our local membership is something like $70-75 for the whole family for a year. And a lot of zoos have reciprocal relationships with each other.

Good aquariums are unfortunately very expensive, but also very fun and educational.

The pet store is also an excellent idea and FREE. My 11-year-old is very keen on visits there, so it’s not just for little kids.

I also like Easter Joy’s advice to take ONE child for outings. When you’re used to more, taking one feels like nothing.
 
Xantippe said:
bitterhope said:

“I guess I see things differently than other SAHMs, but I don’t think a daily outing is necessary or even ideal.”

If the mom is unhappy or lonely being at home, I think she should make an effort to make a daily outing. Sunshine and fresh air are very important.

If she’s happy, she can do whatever she likes.

I personally find myself get cabin fever very quickly (for instance when kids are infectious and have to be kept away from others and we can’t do playdates at home or do outings). I’ve recently discovered the drive-thru for these occasions, which I think is the best thing ever. If only you could buy Gatorade, Baby Tylenol, and milk via a drive-thru…
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And pringles. 😉
 
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