Married?

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stuckinglendale

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I need some help. I was married about a month ago but my wife and I have been unable to consecrate the marriage. Beyond that I’m really struggling with my marriage. We are not communicating very well and have been getting in some heated arguments. Everytime she tells me that she loves me I feel like I’m lying when I tell her that I love her.

I was having some concerns before we got married. I figured it was just cold feet and a lot of money had already been spent on the wedding and I didn’t want to call it off just because of cold feet.

Now that things aren’t how I expected, I’m starting to wonder if it was more than cold feet. Since we still haven’t had sex, does that mean we are not really married? Isn’t that a condition under which I could get the marriage annulled?

I think I was young and rushed into something too soon. Please help me.
 
Sit her down and tell her the truth. Now. You should have done it before the wedding.

More than not consummating the marriage, your attitude of feeling forced into it because of the money already spent and your doubts that you were rushed into something… that is what you need to tell her.

And you both need to go talk to the priest who did the ceremony.

If your consent wasn’t completely free, it did not exist. You are not married for that reason.

Another reason why the wedding industry has a lot to do with the divorce rates. :mad: Hard to stop those runaway trains.
 
Don’t give up on your marriage so fast, get some counseling…as soon as possible:)
 
I think that you guys need to come together and really, truly invite God into your marriage as the third person. Please seek counseling, either from a priest or a Catholic-counselor who has your best interest in mind.
 
A marriage is valid even if unconsumated.

Marriage is most often NOT what you thought it would be, was this not covered in your pre-cana?

Get in counseling.
 
stuckinglendale said:
I need some help. I was married about a month ago but my wife and I have been unable to consecrate the marriage. Beyond that I’m really struggling with my marriage. We are not communicating very well and have been getting in some heated arguments. Everytime she tells me that she loves me I feel like I’m lying when I tell her that I love her.

I was having some concerns before we got married. I figured it was just cold feet and a lot of money had already been spent on the wedding and I didn’t want to call it off just because of cold feet.

Now that things aren’t how I expected, I’m starting to wonder if it was more than cold feet. Since we still haven’t had sex, does that mean we are not really married? Isn’t that a condition under which I could get the marriage annulled?

I think I was young and rushed into something too soon. Please help me.
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You are validly married once the vows are done but another poster made the point that you may not have been fully aware…

But I’m with the don’t give up so fast… most importantly, YOU HAVEN’T CONSUMMATED THE MARRIAGE? There is one of your biggest problems? How can you even start to understand what it means to live as one when you haven’t come together as one…

I thought that usually happened on the wedding night… I would address that issue first and figure out what is going on.

Joe
 
Reading this post was a little depressing.

There is nothing worse than not being able to say I love you back to someone.

No matter what anyone in this post says, believe me-we’re praying for you.

I’m not a canon lawyer, so I don’t know about anullments or how they work, but think of your wife as well-think of why you proposed to her.

Good luck to you.
 
Make an appointment. See a priest pronto… perhaps the one who married you!
 
A *valid *marriage that is unconsummated cannot be declared null, but it can be dissolved by the Pope:

Can. 1142 For a just cause, the Roman Pontiff can dissolve a non-consummated marriage between baptized persons or between a baptized party and a non-baptized party at the request of both parties or of one of them, even if the other party is unwilling.

A marriage that is not consummated may be invalid for reasons *other than *lack of consummation and so the marriage could be declared null on other grounds through the Tribunal process. (I suggest you read the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster for more information.

A marriage that is not consummated because of permanent impotence is invalid and would be found null:

*Can. 1084 §1. Antecedent and perpetual impotence to have intercourse, whether on the part of the man or the woman, whether absolute or relative, nullifies marriage by its very nature.

§2. If the impediment of impotence is doubtful, whether by a doubt about the law or a doubt about a fact, a marriage must not be impeded nor, while the doubt remains, declared null.*

Now, just because you have not consummated the marriage does not mean you should give up on the marriage and head towards divorce and possibly declaration of nullity or dissolution of the bond.

There is a lot of missing information here. You’ve painted just the barest of outlines. There is a lot to explore with a priest or a professional counselor. Why is the marriage not consummated? What are these doubts you had? What is it that is “not what you expected?” (These are rhetorical questions, not ones you need to answer here).

It is best to see your priest for guidance.
 
I think I’d be seeking an annulment. Both communication and sex are not working… the future seems abysmal.
 
To those urging this man to keep working on his marriage…

Ummm… think of the poor bride.

Whatever is going on, she has a husband who has bravely come here, but come here nevertheless to tell strangers that when he says he loves her, he feels like he is lying.

She’s been married a month. Wonder if she’s told anyone she hasn’t had relations with her husband yet.

She probably feels like a failure and rejected. And he’s telling us he felt pressured to marry her. All they do is fight.

Doesn’t she deserve a marriage? Did she think she was getting this?

Would you want to make it work with someone and five years later they leave anyway. With kids involved. And then hear that “I didn’t think I loved you even from the beginning and just married you because I didn’t want to admit I had cold feet.”

Something is fundamentally very wrong here. I don’t know what he was expecting, or why it’s not working out. It is not our business. But he doesn’t want to be in this marriage. And if he couldn’t be honest before the wedding, and he feels that even an I love you is dishonest now, (though she seems to love him.) there is not a lot of honesty to build a life around.

He doesn’t say how young they are. And marrying just because too much money was put into the preparations is a flimsy reason to take such a serious and sacred step.

But a newlywed groom describing himself as “stuck” is NOT a sign that one should proceed full steam ahead!
 
1ke said:
A *valid *marriage that is unconsummated cannot be declared null, but it can be dissolved by the Pope:

Can. 1142 For a just cause, the Roman Pontiff can dissolve a non-consummated marriage between baptized persons or between a baptized party and a non-baptized party at the request of both parties or of one of them, even if the other party is unwilling.

A marriage that is not consummated may be invalid for reasons *other than *lack of consummation and so the marriage could be declared null on other grounds through the Tribunal process. (I suggest you read the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster for more information.

A marriage that is not consummated because of permanent impotence is invalid and would be found null:

*Can. 1084 §1. Antecedent and perpetual impotence to have intercourse, whether on the part of the man or the woman, whether absolute or relative, nullifies marriage by its very nature.

§2. If the impediment of impotence is doubtful, whether by a doubt about the law or a doubt about a fact, a marriage must not be impeded nor, while the doubt remains, declared null.*

Now, just because you have not consummated the marriage does not mean you should give up on the marriage and head towards divorce and possibly declaration of nullity or dissolution of the bond.

There is a lot of missing information here. You’ve painted just the barest of outlines. There is a lot to explore with a priest or a professional counselor. Why is the marriage not consummated? What are these doubts you had? What is it that is “not what you expected?” (These are rhetorical questions, not ones you need to answer here).

It is best to see your priest for guidance.
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Thanks for your post. Someone else had stated that an unconsummated marriage is just as valid as a consummated one, but that statement didn’t ring true.
 
I agree with Liberanosamalo, we don’t know the full story but it sounds like he didn’t have the courage to face his doubts before the wedding. This has to be confronted straight away as another poster says before children are involved (although from what the OP has said that’s not likely any time soon…).

To the OP please talk to your wife, your priest and don’t live a lie any longer. It is not fair to let your wife build a life that is an illusion. Why haven’t you had married relations? Have you talked about any of these issues as a couple? Make sure you are compassionate with your wife and do not add any more pain by any unnecessary unkindness or cruelty. The truth will be hard enough, although it is difficult to believe she doesn’t have some idea that something is awry. You may both be in denial of the reality here. How much marriage preparation did you receive?
 
I have talked to my wife about it, but right now we’re still going to try and see if we can make things work. This is a lot harder than me because the unconsummation is not because of my lack of wanting or trying. Knowing the Theology of the Body, I know the importance of the sexual act in the marriage and thats why this is so difficult to me. I don’t really feel like I’m married because we haven’t truly been united as one.

Also, I did speak with her when I had cold feet. We decided that it was only cold feet and that I should just be okay.

We did pre-cana and talked about all these issues but thought we could work through them, and we possibly still could.

Thanks for the advice.
 
Please both of you go see the priest who married you. As quickly as possible. Good luck.
 
Stylites said:
Thanks for your post. Someone else had stated that an unconsummated marriage is just as valid as a consummated one, but that statement didn’t ring true.
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It **is **just as valid as a consummated marriage. I’m not sure what in my post led you to believe it isn’t.

An valid, unconsummated marriage can be *dissolved *by the Pope. That is not the same thing as finding it to be invalid.
 
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