Marrriage with another Race

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I second all that 1ke posted, with a megaphone.

I’m in a mixed marriage (race and religion), and my mother sent a message through my sister least year to ask if I was still married to “that [racial epithet].” Funny thing, she can’t even get her wpithets right, heh. What a pip! My father in law, too, is just as priceless.

I’ve found that any bit of education, exposure, or explaining falls on deaf ears. I pray you have better luck. If not, c’mon back and we’ll have another chat!
 
SavannahL said:
I don’t know how to deal with this, but my mother disapprove of me marrying a black man (he’s Catholic too). She told me that animals are smarter than humans speech, since they don’t mingle outside their ‘race’, and only ‘tramps’ go with black guys. Then my father said he will disown me, and probably the whole family is going to side with them. There’s nothing wrong with this guy, except she disapprove of the relationship. Then she used the bible and said I should honor her.

I have no way to persuade her the relationship is fine.

How would you deal with this? And is it wrong ‘as a sin’ to go against your mother with your relationships, since there’s a commandment about it?
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I am so sorry you are going through this. As other have pointed out: Racism is always wrong, it is not considered dishonoring your parents to not listen to them in something where they are clearly on the wrong/immoral side. Nevertheless, I bet it is hard on you and sad to experience these reactions from your family. I have met very good people from the south that just seem blind and confused in the race issue, I just don’t get it, I think there is a cultural factor there, nevertheless it does not change the fact that racism is evil and never right. Are you engaged already? If not, I would not give your parents opinion on his race any weight in discerning whether or not you two should get married. Should you be aware that interracial marriages can face their challenges? Sure, you are already facing some. There are other factors that can cause a couple to face challenges too, and its great to think about it and keep it in mind when discerning marriage, but most of these challenges are things that are miniscule in comparison to the importance of understanding what marriage is, and understanding the vows you are entering, and having the strength of faith and commitment to each other to stick to those vows.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I pray that your family realizes what a horrible mistake they are doing.
 
Sounds like you are gonna have to choose between your mate and your parents. Because if you do marry your black boyfriend, and your children are bi-racial, you cannot allow your parents to be around them. Can you imagine the hurtful things they will say about your kids, or call them to their faces? Unless they have some kind of massive, life-changing epiphany, that you are certain is genuine, I think marrying this man will mean the end of any meaningful interaction with your parents.

And that’s OK if that’s what you choose. It would be better to leave them to stew in ignorance and move forward in your life with the man you love than to cave in and give up the person you really believe should be your spouse in the name of racism.

However, as you said that you also were prejudiced until you dated this guy… make sure he is really the right man for you, and you are not using him as some kind of “screw you” to your racist parents. People do that… you would be amazed. Be totally honest with yourself about the reasons you want to marry him. If they are all the right ones, like wanting to build a Catholic family with him and raise children with him, to daily live a sacrament with him, to love him and make his life better and have him do the same for you… then you are fine. If there are any thoughts in there about “showing Mom and Dad” then you should hit the pause button.

And, Captain America, claiming that a black man might want to marry a white woman to “raise his status” is a pretty racist statement as well.
 
Last time I checked, black people were apart of the HUMAN race. That is all that should matter…
 
I have to pretty much go along with what others have said.

You have to understand that your mother is WRONG about this. But you also have to accept that by standing against your mother you will need to live with the consequences of doing so. That will probably mean you have to cut ties with your mother or *severely *limit contact with her.

But I also agree with the poster who said you need to make sure you are not letting your fight with you mother get in the way of otherwise deciding if this is the man for you.
 
Ohhh, are we still talking about this issue in 09? Well I am not going to reiterate what everyone else said. You have blatant racist parents. Cut the cord already.

You marry a good Catholic man, not your parents, not your friends. He’s Catholic? He’s good-natured, faithful? You found gold, now shoe your folks away for a while.

How parents have kids so they can tell them who they believe they should marry or what they should do in life is beyond me. Do you want to be St. Rita? I would involve my pastor, they know better, and I value his opinion.
 
I’m a Black female and it pains me to hear that fellow “Catholics” feel this way. She’s not the first and she won’t be the last, I’m afraid. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your mom is right, though, in that animals don’t date outside their “race,” but race was created by humans. Human DNA is human DNA; we’re all of the same species. There are different types of humans, but we’re all the same. The same goes for any other animal. Give one of your biology books to your mom and have her read up on species and genetics.

If you two genuinely feel that you are right for one another, it’s no one’s place or business to hold you back. It sounds like she’s worried about what others will think. Maybe she’ll get over herself, but if not, hold your head high and live your life. God bless you for being brave enough to do so! 👍
 
You found a man who is kind, hard-working, Catholic, and a doctor to boot? 👍

That’s like winning the lottery. The only impediment to your marriage that I can imagine would be your own resolve to deal with the racism you will encounter, and your commitment to not let racism destroy your marriage, if in fact you discern he is the one for you.

If you marry this man, then you will share in his own sufferings, in a way, and take on all the racism he has experienced throughout his life. It might be more difficult for you to deal with, because you have never experienced it before. That might be something to carefully consider and prepare for, but it certainly doesn’t mean you should let go of your love for this man if you want to marry him.

Losing your parents would also be very hard, but you can pray for them. It is possible their hearts would soften in time. My dh is half Asian, and honestly, I’ve never encountered any direct racism. But, when his parents got married in the late 50’s, his father’s family, who is white, rejected his mother because she is Asian. In their family, that changed when the children were born. The grandparents loved their grandchildren too much for racism to get in the way, and their minds changed. No gurantee, but it could happen. Children have a way of softening hearts.
 
pamnbam said:
I’m a Black female and it pains me to hear that fellow “Catholics” feel this way. She’s not the first and she won’t be the last, I’m afraid. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your mom is right, though, in that animals don’t date outside their “race,” but race was created by humans. Human DNA is human DNA; we’re all of the same species. There are different types of humans, but we’re all the same. The same goes for any other animal. Give one of your biology books to your mom and have her read up on species and genetics.

If you two genuinely feel that you are right for one another, it’s no one’s place or business to hold you back. It sounds like she’s worried about what others will think. Maybe she’ll get over herself, but if not, hold your head high and live your life. God bless you for being brave enough to do so! 👍
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Ah, Pamnbam!🙂
I read this words in Song of Solomon, and I like it very much,

“I am black and beautiful,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me because I am
dark,
because the sun has gazed on me.”

All God people are same, we came from Adam and Eve. It is not?🙂
 
roselily said:
Ah, Pamnbam!🙂
I read this words in Song of Solomon, and I like it very much,

“I am black and beautiful,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me because I am
dark,
because the sun has gazed on me.”

All God people are same, we came from Adam and Eve. It is not?🙂
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Beautiful, roselily! Thanks for sharing! 👍
 
Your parents’ reaction is sad, but not uncommon. Clearly, the racist element is completely out of bounds. However, there are two things I think you might consider: 1) Even in this day and age, you will probably encounter ugly resistance and prejudice from time to time as a bi-racial couple. You need to be brutally frank with yourself as to whether you are “up” to handling it both individually and as a couple. 2) While the racial aspect is out of bounds for consideration, the cultural aspect is not. Every culture is different and varies even in different areas of the country and within families. Some people find these differences invigorating, fun and interesting. Others may find them confusing, bothersome or what have you (or something in between). As with any prospective spouse (of any culture/background), its a good idea to go in with your eyes wide open. Good luck!
 
If both of you through prayer have discerned that you are meant to be married then that is what is important. Tragically, too many people in this country grew up believing the error of racism that there are core/biological differences between people of different colors. Perhaps your relationship and marriage is the means God has chosen to show your family their error and sin.

My husband is white and I am african-american and we have two children. We have not had any problems and I have definitely noticed an increase in the number of interracial couples/families and bi-racial children since I was a child.
 
I am the product of a mixed marriage. My mother’s family gave her a hard time but once grandchildren started to come along (most) all was forgotten. I married a man of another race and his family wasn’t very pleased at the onset either. But again, as the children have come so has gone most all of the ‘problem’. God bless!!
 
Rascalking said:
The first person who Jesus revealed himself to be the Christ too was a Sanhedrin (sp?). A different race than Him.
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I have never heard this before. It is my understanding that the Sanhedrin were a sect of Judaism like the Pharisees, just a sect, not a different race. For that matter though, I am sure there were Jews, both Pharisees and Sanhedrin who were of all races known to man in that part of the world. You did not have to be born a Jew to become a Jew.

Now, many others have already given the OP much good advice including Rascalking :). I really can not add more to what has been said just could not let that statement go.

Brenda V.
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is a very sad situation and what makes it even sadder is the fact that I wasn’t surprised to hear that this kind of bigotry and hatred still exists. Others have given wonderful advice on how to handle it, so I won’t reiterate, but I will offer some other advice. Make sure you really talk about how to handle racial prejudice towards your future children. Although there are more interracial children today, it doesn’t lessen the prejudice as much as one would think. And sometimes it can be harder for those who are of mixed race than of just one. I will give a personal example.

My parents’ marriage is interracial and they both came from very different cultural backgrounds. My father is of German/Irish/English descent born and raised in America. My mother is from the Philippines of Spanish/Chinese/Filipina descent. They were married in the 1970s and, fortunately, the families on both sides were surprisingly very open and accepting and loving of their love and marriage. In fact, other siblings on both sides also eventually married “outside of their race”.

Despite the support received from their families, they did endure a lot of prejudice from the outside, which prompted them to really talk about how they would handle situations regarding their own future children. My siblings and I grew up in the 80s and 90s and although that was supposed to be a more open and accepting time than in the past, we endured a lot of racist and prejudiced attitudes and actions. Even the priest who baptised me called me a “mongruel”, which isn’t a nice name to be called. We were the only mixed children in our Catholic school and there were a few children who’d call us names like “dumb chink” and tease us because we weren’t totally white. My brother would get it worse because although he was “whiter” than me, he had “chinkier” eyes. Fortunately, our parents were there to help us through these situations and to help make us much stronger and to be proud and comfortable to be who we were on the inside and on the outside. Our mother is also a fighter and a survivor and never let anyone walk all over her, so her example was good for us. Not that it was always easy. There were times as a teen when I didn’t know where, who and what to identify with. You sometimes never felt fully accepted anywhere. Our mixed race was always an issue. You could never do anything without people making an issue of it. Fortunately, I had my family and I was a loner, so it wasn’t so bad in that regard, but it was sometimes difficult.

If our parents did not seriously talk about how to help their children survive racial prejudice as children when they were still dating and engaged, I don’t know if things would have been as good for us. I even had a similar talk with my husband when we were dating because we had received prejudice due to our “interracial” relationship, with a couple people thinking it was disgusting and despicable that my husband would lower himself to a “half-breed” like myself. Although our future children’s features may be more “watered down” than my own, there is a good chance our children will still have “non-white” or “non-Asian/Pacific Islander” features and we have to be ready to help them through those difficult times dealing with the ignoramuses and help them realize the true beauty and worth within them.
 
Sarabande, I am sorry you that you experienced such hostility and racism from Catholics. That really makes me sad. My children are 1/4 Korean, and they have never experienced racism. I think it’s a little difficult to tell they are mixed, and maybe that’s why they’ve never experienced racism, but I’m not sure, because you kind of lose your perspective on how your family appears to the world, they just look like your family.

My dh is very tall and stocky, and people often ask if he’s Hawaiian. LOL. My oldest has an olive complexion, and is sometimes asked if she’s Mexican. My middle daughter has light brown hair and very fair skin, but her eyes are shaped more like an Asian. She has been asked if she’s Chinese before.

I know racism is ugly and exists, but I hope it gives you some solace that your children will probably experience much less of it than others have in the past. My children have several mixed black/white friends, and as far as I know, those children have never been treated any differently at all by their peers. Sometimes other kids just ask them if they’re mixed, and that seems to be the extent of it.
 
Your mom is wrong. Plain and simple.

Honoring her doesn’t mean allowing her to pick your spouse.

Her attitude isn’t even Christian.

I believe Simon of Cyrene was from North Africa and Acts does speak of the Ethiopian who came to Christ. Not to mention that beautiful quote in Song of Songs.

Also, you are never bound to obey anything unjust. The Church is very, very clear about that.

My great-grandfather’s family experienced the worst of racism when they were exterminated by Nazis for being Jewish (more religion, but the Nazis thought Judaism was a race). When kids at school would tell me not to “get mad” at their anti-Semitic remarks, my response was, “of course I’m mad! You’re insulting part of my ancestry! Do you think I’m like that too?!” That got them to shut up quite a bit:).

If you love him, he loves you, he’s a good Catholic, you want to spend the rest of your lives with each other, go for it. Don’t pass up a good man because your mom can’t see humanity out of her own prejudice.

Will pray for you!
 
Angels Unaware, your post reminds me of just how ignorant people can be. When I’ve told people what my last name is they insist it’s Hawaiian. (It’s Spanish and origins are Basque.) And even though I’m a Latina, due to the huge Spanish-Caucasian influence in my previous generations, I look “white.” And living in Dallas, TX, I hear all about those “dirty illegals” (i.e. Mexicans. Not to say this isn’t an issue) but I hear comments in front of me all the time. Because of the way I look many white people assume I’m white. To me, that just shows extreme ignorance on their part. And I’m not even the product of a “mixed” marriage.
Angels_Unaware said:
Sarabande, I am sorry you that you experienced such hostility and racism from Catholics. That really makes me sad. My children are 1/4 Korean, and they have never experienced racism. I think it’s a little difficult to tell they are mixed, and maybe that’s why they’ve never experienced racism, but I’m not sure, because you kind of lose your perspective on how your family appears to the world, they just look like your family.

My dh is very tall and stocky, and people often ask if he’s Hawaiian. LOL. My oldest has an olive complexion, and is sometimes asked if she’s Mexican. My middle daughter has light brown hair and very fair skin, but her eyes are shaped more like an Asian. She has been asked if she’s Chinese before.

I know racism is ugly and exists, but I hope it gives you some solace that your children will probably experience much less of it than others have in the past. My children have several mixed black/white friends, and as far as I know, those children have never been treated any differently at all by their peers. Sometimes other kids just ask them if they’re mixed, and that seems to be the extent of it.
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To the O.P. I have no words, just prayers for your mother that she will have her heart soften. I have a very difficult mother, but not for the same reasons. I remember one time too she “forbade” me from dating a nice young black gentleman while I was still living under her roof. I know it was wrong, but since I was living with her I pretty much listened to her. However, once I left, and started supporting myself, I cut her loose. And that was very tough on her part.

Prayers and peace to you.
 
Sarahbande, do keep us posted in the not-so-distant future on how the engagement turns out. Would love to hear some updates on how this is going for you.

God bless you and your soon-to-be spouse
 
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