Marrying a Catholic & Divorce/Custody Issues

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sayerofthelaw

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I’ve been dating a Catholic man for a few years now and a few months ago we became engaged. He was married previously and divorced, and when we met was not very religious and has since reverted, which is fine. I’m given to understand that his marriage was annulled according to the appropriate procedures before we ever started dating and we’ve met with his priest and have gotten the ball rolling on all the dispensation stuff. So, it looks like we’re on target right now to be married in about a year.

His ex, unfortunately, is not taking the news well, They have three children and, while the kids and I get along just fine and I try to stay out of the custody and parenting issues, she has a tendency to be antagonistic in regards to me spending time with the kids. I have a more flexible schedule, so I’ll occasionally help out by picking the kids up from school or taking them out to do something on weekends when my fiance in is a time crunch with work. He’s been good about dealing with his ex so that the fallout doesn’t get to me or the kids, but she went completely ballistic when one of the kids mentioned the engagement and it’s been drama ever since. Evidently she thinks I’m going to corrupt the kids and take them out of Church, etc, that I’m going to turn them against her because compared to me she’s always the “bad guy”, and that basically I’m a no-good Jezebel. We’ve already had a conversation about religious boundaries and, while I’m honest about my esoteric involvement and that it’s something I write professionally about, I’m perfectly fine with referring religious questions to my fiance and in fact I’ve taken the kids to Mass a couple of times when my fiance was sick so they wouldn’t have to miss.

I get that it’s hard for her, but I’m not sure how to assure her that I really do not want to get between her and her children in any way and that I’m not some kind of wicked witch that’s just waiting to seduce them away from the Church or something. Or, if I should just sort of remain silent as I have been up til now and let my fiance and the lawyers sort it out since she’s threatening to kick up a custody dispute. My fiance is kind of at a loss with her at the moment. She’s been calling his parents trying to stir up a fuss with them, too, and they still all attend the same fairly small parish so it’s been uncomfortable all around. The kids know something is going on, but they don’t really understand why their mom is so upset.

Any advice on how to proceed? I feel like we’ve tried to do all this right way. His ex is a very devout Catholic from my understanding, so would it be beneficial to suggest all three of us sitting down with the priest to talk about it? The one at my husband’s parish seemed nice enough when we spoke with him before.
 
sayerofthelaw said:
all three of us sitting down with the priest to talk about it?
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If you could roll back time, he should have told his kid’s mother that he is marrying you and given her an opportunity to decide how the kids were informed. She should not have heard it from one of the kids, but, that is now water under the bridge.

Yes, try to get a sit down with the priest and all three of you.

You sound like a kind, generous person.
 
To be fair, he tried, but she doesn’t return his calls most of the time and the kids found out from his parents. We told them first and then I guess the communication ball got dropped somewhere and they didn’t realize that we hadn’t told the kids yet. Which made it extra fun to get a call on blast at 8pm on a Sunday from the ex since I had no idea the kids knew about it.
 
I took a look at your profile page and I am not sure I understand what your religious preferences are, but from what you have said in your OP, perhaps you do need to step back from some of the more “parenting” type duties, such as taking the children to mass.

I am not sure a 3 person meeting with a priest is a good idea. I think this is still a parenting/ custody issue, and right now, it does not and should not involve you.
 
1ke said:
Can you clarify what you mean by this?
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I’m an anthropologist and my academic specialty is in the study of social religious practice, particularly the development of new religious movements, neo-paganism, mystery traditions, and Western Esotericism. Personally, I practice a form of Hermeticism and I’ve published material as a practitioner, served on some organizational boards, etc. What I’m saying is that I don’t make a public spectacle of my religious affiliation - my house isn’t full of candles and I don’t walk around with a grimoire firmly wedged under my arm - but I don’t bother to hide it either. The kids know I’m not Christian, but all religious questions go to their dad to explain and I’m fairly tight-lipped about the details of my actual personal practice. It’s not for uninitiated adults much less children.

My fiance’s ex googled my name, though, and had a conniption.
 
I’m wondering if there is more going on here – if I was in that situation, I would ask my ex-husband to sit down with me and his fiancee, and ask about their religious intentions with the kids, since husband (and fiancee, when he is unavailable) is obviously showing up at mass, it would stand to reason he still wishes to raise the kids as Catholic, and a civil conversation would certainly be possible.

Because she has automatically taken the antagonistic route, without trying to problem solve, I am left to wonder if she is upset about the divorce and annulment in general. For example, if the divorce was not her idea, and she disagrees on the decision that her marriage to your fiance was “invalid”, the fact that he is remarrying ANYONE would be deeply upsetting, and since she cannot dispute the annulment, she is probably protesting what she feels will be perceived as having the greatest validity. That is just one speculation, there could be other reasons she is upset that she is not verbalizing, such as just being very upset in general her kids suddenly have another parental figure she did not chose for them, and gets no say about.

Sometimes someone will tell you an excuse, not a reason. If you try to problem solve an excuse, you do not solve anything, because the reason is still there. I’d just back off. If she was truly interested in problem solving her children’s faith formation, I don’t think she would have taken this route. Over time, your actions as a couple, and the children’s regular attendance at mass and faith formation classes will tell the truth about your intentions.
 
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I also get the feeling that there’s something else going on, possibly mental health related given her behavior of late, but I’ve tried to stay out of the particulars. I’ve never pried into the circumstances of the divorce, because it seems to have been a very painful ordeal for my fiance, I don’t feel its any of my business anyway, and also I don’t want whatever it is to color my perception of the ex in a way that might accidentally come through in behavior or speech.

Whenever possible, his parents do the picking up from school and taking to Mass when he’s not available for some reason, but now and then they’re traveling or something else is going on, so it’s not a regular occurrence. It just needs to get settled somehow before we are married and actually living together. He had a meeting with his lawyer today and the lawyer is of the opinion that she’s likely to lose custody at this rate give past and present behavior. Which nobody wants to happen.
 
I understand why you don’t want to pry.

Without understanding her willingness to be divorced, or to get an annulment, it is hard to say if what is going on is really about your religious beliefs. That means I would not put to much effort into trying to “solve” the problem she is trying to get everyone all riled up about, other than showing your intentions with your actions, and allowing your husband to reassure her and assorted family members of his intentions regarding their faith.

If you were somehow reassured that she was a willing participant in the divorce and annulment process, and doesn’t have significant mental health issues, then I would be more willing to entertain the idea she is truly distressed by your potential religious influence on her kids, and would be soothed with a conversation like you described, and might try harder to resolve the issue with her.
 
She’s never had full custody. They have the kids on alternate weeks right now, but evidently there have been some contempt of court issues on her part about her interfering with my fiance’s time with the kids and harassing him before we ever even met. In light of that history and her current erratic and threatening behavior, if it went to court it probably wouldn’t go well for her.
 
She;s going to be in your lives until the kids are 18 and likely, beyond.
You’re not married yet.
Think hard.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I am not sure a 3 person meeting with a priest is a good idea. I think this is still a parenting/ custody issue, and right now, it does not and should not involve you.
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I have to agree. A three person meeting with the priest—especially when there is a fair amount of animosity in the air—is more likely to make things worse than better. I’d imagine your fiancé’s ex could easily feel cornered and ganged up on in such a circumstance.

I think that having one-on-one conversations could be helpful, but now is probably not the best time for it. She may just need time to get used to the idea and come to terms with it before you can have such a conversation with her about religious things and have her actually believe you that you don’t want to threaten her children’s Catholicity.
 
Meh, let your fiancee and his lawyer handle things with his ex and stay out of the way…
 
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