Marrying a future doctor?

[perez639]

Let’s give the guy some credit here! He may well know what medical school entails. There are lots of folks who enter medical school with English, or Theatre, or History degrees. He may have taken all of the required coursework for med school along with the English major- it’s not that hard to do- or he may only have a few classes to go. We just don’t know.

He is just beginning his pre-reqs and is going to bomb through them all by next summer. He is managing to pull off straight A’s so far. For example, this fall will be physics I and Chem II and calc and the corresponding labs.

Actually, the *four *years of med school are the only ones you pay for. After that, you’re in residency and while the pay is slim (especially if you calculate it per hour!), you are paid enough to live on (and support a small family on, no less). I agree: focus on what your priorities are, and if they match with his. The 10 years of med school plus residency might be endurable if this is truly his calling – you know these years are finite. My question would be what his thoughts are on practice after training. You *can *find positions, even as a surgeon, with reasonable work hours. The trade off? Money. You won’t get paid nearly as much, you probably won’t have status and publications, you won’t be the star of the hospital. Do those things matter to your boyfriend?

That is another thing I forgot, residents do make a small pay. I am pretty sure hospitals are only doing 24hr shifts verses 36hr shifts which is a plus. I am willing to provide while he does all of this. However, if I were to become pregnant raising would also be up to me on my own. He believes that if it is the will of God that should happen then it will. We are very anti- birth control and would only use NFP.

 

[perez639]

I’m not saying “do it” and I’m not saying “don’t”. I’m saying that she doesn’t sound convinced this is the life she wants and she needs to think hard about it b/c it is forever.

I am very possibly over thinking every possible scenario, but can’t seem to help it. I want to go in prepared for all that may happen. Whether it be children, sickness, financial. Sometimes I think I should leave it up to the Lord but I know that taking those vows is a huge decision and just want to be sure that I have the will to withstand everything with him. I think I do, but its not as strong as I would like it to be. There is so much doubt and fear.

 

[OSUbride0708]

You guys need to sit and talk long and hard about this. It doesn’t seem like he really involved you in this life altering decision, which is wrong IMO. If he wants to be a doctor, he could do something like clinic or stat care where it is fixed hours, or even like a dermatologist or something like that. Anyway, my FIL is a doctor and is never ever home, and he’s family practice. My husband was thinking about med school but doesn’t want that life for me or our family, so he chose pharmacy instead.

 

[Brian_C]

I know you don’t want to hear this… but you are only 22. There is no rush to get married. You have time for discernment.

Take that with a grain of salt, if you wish, as I was married at 22 and had my first baby before 23!

Amen. I have a similar situation as my wife is the doctor. We didn’t try to get pregnant until she was almost through w/ med school. Of course, we “didn’t try” again and had two more in the following 4 years.

Forgive me if I impart anything you already know. But I’d just contribute this…It’s tough, no doubt about it. But look at it this way: yes, medical school will be a bit of a struggle. But not everyone has to study non-stop 24 hrs a day. My wife sure didn’t. She was disciplined about it, though. She’d come home about 4-5 pm everyday, study until I had supper on the table, watch a bit of tv then study until about 10 pm. She never pulled an all-nighter. Heck, I’m not sure she ever studied past 10:30!

With regard to money, you’re husband will pretty much have to get a loan to go to med school. My wife’s loans, after her tuition, were enough to have a decent amount of money to contribute to bills and other expenses. At the time, I was working a job that paid around $30k. Together, we had enough money to live modestly no problem. Then, once you get into a residency, you do get paid, even though it’s not very much. But it does help and if you are working as an RN, you REALLY shouldn’t have anything to worry about! Especially if you were expecting to be married to an English major! Plus loans are deferred until you’re in practice.

As for his schedule and yours together, yes, I can’t imagine having two people with such careers in one family. But let no one tell you it can’t be done!!! I know plenty of successful doctor/doctor or even doctor/lawyer marriages. It all depends on what the two of you want out of your careers and what you are looking for financially. My wife is a pediatrician and she was worried about her schedule as well. She got on with a large group and was able to opt for a 3 day work week with call every 6 nights. She absolutely loves it and has plenty of time for the kids. Plus she still makes about 4 times what I do!

If you can be prudent enough to avoid debt while the hubby is in school and can be patient about you and him BOTH finding the right practice/hospital for your schedules/family life, you will be fine. Nurses are in outrageously high demand right now. You should be able to find a position that suits you. And, with doctors, the same situation should apply. My wife’s been in private practice for a year now and everyday she gets recruitment letters, calls, or emails from various hospitals, private practices, and their head hunters. There are a lot of options out there and these folks realize doctors want to have a life just like everyone else. So don’t despair. It is possible!

 

[wabrams]

Yes, we do know. She stated he **just **decided he wanted to go to med school and he is currently starting to take prerequisites. So, he wasn’t an English major taking med school coursework with a plan to go to med school.

You can do your prereqs in one calender year if you push yourself. If you’re on a quarter system, you can do it even quicker.

 

[twk001]

I’m an RN too and I know the life…being a doctor is a vocation within itself, but I know a lot of very kind, humble, loving doctors. Just learn to be flexible. you will probably find the most difficulties during his residency, when he has 36 hr call rotatioins. that’s very hard. you don’t really see each other, and barely get to talk. plan late-night picnic lunches in the hospital lobby…surprise him by cooking a loving home-cooked meal and deliver it to the residents’ lounge at the hospital…little things like that will keep you connected. the first few years of private practice are hard too…they have to build a patient base, a solid reputation and plan for a long career. but in the long haul, spouses of physician’s always find a place within the doctor’s life. just don’t be jealous of the patients or the demands they place on him…also consider your own career. i don’t know of any nurses who are married to physicians that work full time. most work occasional. good luck.twk

 

[duskyjewel]

As an aside… WHY does anyone think this 36 hour thing is a good idea? Who came up with that and why?

I sure as heck don’t wanna be the one wheeled into the ER at the end of that doctor’s shift, especially when it’s been crazy and he has had no naps. That’s when people get 100,000 units of heparin instead of 10.

 

[Brian_C]

As an aside… WHY does anyone think this 36 hour thing is a good idea? Who came up with that and why?

I sure as heck don’t wanna be the one wheeled into the ER at the end of that doctor’s shift, especially when it’s been crazy and he has had no naps. That’s when people get 100,000 units of heparin instead of 10.

Lol, most of the time you do get a break. And, as an aside, the heparin issue was based mainly on the fact that the different dosages were packaged in similar vials, IIRC. Doesn’t forgive the mistake, but…Plus, usually it’s more well rested nurses pushing meds, not comatose residents.

I didn’t feel sorry for my wife. She got a day and a half vacation from the kids! Matter of fact, I liked the hospital call better than the pager call she takes now. At least w/ the hospital call, I knew when she was gone and when she’d be home. With pager call, you never know. Just when you think everything is under control, someone calls you at 3 am because their kid’s “fever” is 99.2…

 

[smallcat]

But look at it this way: yes, medical school will be a bit of a struggle. But not everyone has to study non-stop 24 hrs a day. My wife sure didn’t. She was disciplined about it, though. She’d come home about 4-5 pm everyday, study until I had supper on the table, watch a bit of tv then study until about 10 pm. She never pulled an all-nighter. Heck, I’m not sure she ever studied past 10:30!

This is so true. Again, it gets down to your priorities. To the OP, is your fiance the type who needs to be in every honor society and aims to get every departmental award? Or is he satisfied with knowing what he needs to know, and calling it a day to come home to his wife (and kids)? I’m not saying he should be a slacker in med school, not at all, but you can burn a lot more energy than you need to if you’re aiming for the spot of valedictorian of your class.

Residency will be a lot tougher time-wise than medical school. There are now some regulations (in the US) about maximum number of hours per week which residents are allowed to work. I believe it is currently 80 hours/week and 24 hrs/shift (might be 36 hrs/shift; I don’t remember). However, many programs routinely violate this regulation, and this would be something to investigate when considering residency programs (not an issue for med school so much).

Since you are a nurse, could you arrange to work at the same hospital where he will be doing his rotations? At least that way you could have lunch together or see each other in the hallways!

 

[Brian_C]

This is so true. Again, it gets down to your priorities. To the OP, is your fiance the type who needs to be in every honor society and aims to get every departmental award? Or is he satisfied with knowing what he needs to know, and calling it a day to come home to his wife (and kids)? I’m not saying he should be a slacker in med school, not at all, but you can burn a lot more energy than you need to if you’re aiming for the spot of valedictorian of your class.

Not to toot the wifey’s horn, but she was still in the top ten in her class.

But point being, it was disciplined low intensity study verses frantic all-nighters. We aren’t the partying type, so she just studied consistantly for about 4-5 hrs a night…

 

[Sure]

I am very possibly over thinking every possible scenario, but can’t seem to help it. I want to go in prepared for all that may happen. Whether it be children, sickness, financial. Sometimes I think I should leave it up to the Lord but I know that taking those vows is a huge decision and just want to be sure that I have the will to withstand everything with him. I think I do, but its not as strong as I would like it to be. There is so much doubt and fear.

One other consideration:

Does he have extremely good grades (3.6+) from a strong university? Has he taken the MCAT?

There are many many people who want to go to Med School but very few have grades, and test scores good enough to get in. It’s not like getting into college.

 

[wabrams]

As an aside… WHY does anyone think this 36 hour thing is a good idea? Who came up with that and why?

I sure as heck don’t wanna be the one wheeled into the ER at the end of that doctor’s shift, especially when it’s been crazy and he has had no naps. That’s when people get 100,000 units of heparin instead of 10.

No, its caused by nurses not reading the darn bottles when they take them out.

 

[wabrams]

One other consideration:

Does he have extremely good grades (3.6+) from a strong university? Has he taken the MCAT?

There are many many people who want to go to Med School but very few have grades, and test scores good enough to get in. It’s not like getting into college.

It’s easier to get in than you think, considering there is a shortage of doctor’s and many of those that would have gone to med school have wound up going to Physician Assistant and Nurse Practioner school.

 

[perez639]

Forgive me if I impart anything you already know. But I’d just contribute this…It’s tough, no doubt about it. But look at it this way: yes, medical school will be a bit of a struggle. But not everyone has to study non-stop 24 hrs a day. My wife sure didn’t. She was disciplined about it, though. She’d come home about 4-5 pm everyday, study until I had supper on the table, watch a bit of tv then study until about 10 pm. She never pulled an all-nighter. Heck, I’m not sure she ever studied past 10:30!

With regard to money, you’re husband will pretty much have to get a loan to go to med school. My wife’s loans, after her tuition, were enough to have a decent amount of money to contribute to bills and other expenses. At the time, I was working a job that paid around $30k. Together, we had enough money to live modestly no problem. Then, once you get into a residency, you do get paid, even though it’s not very much. But it does help and if you are working as an RN, you REALLY shouldn’t have anything to worry about! Especially if you were expecting to be married to an English major! Plus loans are deferred until you’re in practice.

As for his schedule and yours together, yes, I can’t imagine having two people with such careers in one family. But let no one tell you it can’t be done!!! I know plenty of successful doctor/doctor or even doctor/lawyer marriages. It all depends on what the two of you want out of your careers and what you are looking for financially. My wife is a pediatrician and she was worried about her schedule as well. She got on with a large group and was able to opt for a 3 day work week with call every 6 nights. She absolutely loves it and has plenty of time for the kids. Plus she still makes about 4 times what I do!

If you can be prudent enough to avoid debt while the hubby is in school and can be patient about you and him BOTH finding the right practice/hospital for your schedules/family life, you will be fine. Nurses are in outrageously high demand right now. You should be able to find a position that suits you. And, with doctors, the same situation should apply. My wife’s been in private practice for a year now and everyday she gets recruitment letters, calls, or emails from various hospitals, private practices, and their head hunters. There are a lot of options out there and these folks realize doctors want to have a life just like everyone else. So don’t despair. It is possible!

Thank you for your post! Excellent advice and great to hear how the both of you have made it work! I realize too that many deal with a similar situation when one of the spouses is a lawyer, both doctors or business, etc. My job as a RN is very helpful bc I will easily be able to go whereever he is accepted.

Debt, well, I unfortunately have some after paying for college on my own with one year to go. However I don’t own credit cards! So none there. I can remain a frugal gal throughout this time frame (always have been) so thankfully that would not be a problem.

Perhaps he will look into private practice but for the meantime his goal is set on surgery. Orthopedics, transplant, skin graft on burn victims. I am real fuzzy on how all this works but I know he would have that pager and be on call even when he is home… right?

 

[perez639]

plan late-night picnic lunches in the hospital lobby…surprise him by cooking a loving home-cooked meal and deliver it to the residents’ lounge at the hospital…little things like that will keep you connected.

that is an incredibly sweet thing to do I want to be connected to him during the process. Not wait till after…

the first few years of private practice are hard too…they have to build a patient base, a solid reputation and plan for a long career. but in the long haul, spouses of physician’s always find a place within the doctor’s life. just don’t be jealous of the patients or the demands they place on him…also consider your own career. i don’t know of any nurses who are married to physicians that work full time. most work occasional. good luck.twk

I can see this as difficult. I dont think its “jealousy” though. Honestly, I dont even know what word to choose… Anyone??

 

[perez639]

I sure as heck don’t wanna be the one wheeled into the ER at the end of that doctor’s shift, especially when it’s been crazy and he has had no naps. That’s when people get 100,000 units of heparin instead of 10.

Very true! Sometimes they have a bed where docs can grab a quick nap. Single room, single bed thank goodness. Or at least that was the set up in th ICU at my internship. Not sure if this is the case at all hospitals.

 

[whatevergirl]

that is an incredibly sweet thing to do I want to be connected to him during the process. Not wait till after…

I can see this as difficult. I dont think its “jealousy” though. Honestly, I dont even know what word to choose… Anyone??

Not jealous–but maybe resentful. That’s what one needs to be cautious of feeling, if one is married to someone who has a very demanding job. I think the fact that you’re discerning this, is awesome. You will be that much more emotionally and mentally prepared to deal with the life as a doctor’s wife, should you decide that path. I find the demands of a doctor to be more reasonable than say a husband/wife who ‘chooses’ to stay at the office into the evening hours for example.Realizing that a doctor needs to be available at a moment’s notice (depending on the specialty) is not the same as him/her choosing to work – I know many men and women who hardly see their families, because they feel that if they don’t work 80 hour weeks, then they are not giving their all. But, our careers should always be secondary to our families. I think that it can be done, if the expectations of both husband and wife are discussed and understood.

Good luck to you!

 

[perez639]

I’m not saying he should be a slacker in med school, not at all, but you can burn a lot more energy than you need to if you’re aiming for the spot of valedictorian of your class.

“You know what they call a med school grad who finished at the bottom of his or her class?” An MD! I have heard this a few times before and it always makes me laugh! When a med student is eyeing a certain specialty or surgery they probably have to aim for those spots? I dont really know, but I would think it matters more.

Since you are a nurse, could you arrange to work at the same hospital where he will be doing his rotations? At least that way you could have lunch together or see each other in the hallways!

Well technically I will be a nurse by next may! I dont want to take credit for what I am not officially yet! I have thought about this exactly! Which perhaps explains the reason for a wedding before he enters med school so that I would travel to the med school he is accepted at. Additionally, he wishes to do some work outside the country for about 3 months before fall 2010 and wants me to be with him. I wouldnt go with him unless we were married. I will only travel like that with a husband, not a bf, even fiance.

 

[perez639]

Does he have extremely good grades (3.6+) from a strong university?

CU, 3.8

Has he taken the MCAT?

No, this will take place next summer. He is praying to be in med school by 2010.

 

[perez639]

It’s easier to get in than you think, considering there is a shortage of doctor’s and many of those that would have gone to med school have wound up going to Physician Assistant and Nurse Practioner school.

His biggest concern is the stiff competition among those who have molded the ideal resume since hs or college. Currently volunteering in ER, nursing home but feels behind. This is also why he plans a trip to South Africa to work under HIV specialists. That is an opportunity he does not want to pass up and hopes it will distinguish him. I hope to go with him and fortunately have some healthcare experience. So far he is definitely getting the grades.