Marrying a man twice your age

  • Thread starter Thread starter runwaymodel
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

runwaymodel

Guest
I have been dating a wonderful man for a year now. He is respectful, kind, cares and loves me very much. I let him know early on because of my faith I will not be intimate until marriage (I was honest with him and admitted I am not a virgin but changed my position on premartial sex when I became religious a few years ago.)
Anyway, this isn’t the problem. I am rather young and he is twice my age. Literally. I have no issues with this and was actually concerned that he might be uneasy about the reaction of others. He is not. He has never been married and has no kids. Like a lot of extremely successful and affluent men, the reason he has not yet married is because he is quite the workaholic. He is a catholic as well, but non-practicing. We have discussed marriage and he has attended Church with me several times.
We do get a lot of looks from people because I am young and attractive and he is much older and wealthy. Typical stereotypes as you can imagine. I care for this man a lot and can see a long future together, but oftentimes I worry because I don’t want people to misjudge him. I know it shouldn’t bother me because we love eachother and thats all that matters, but it does. I know how some people might view me as well, but I have developed a very thick skin over many years and comments do not phase me. While we have quite a generation gap between the two of us, we share the same morals, values, love for family, etc.
I guess I am wondering if anyone here is in a similar situation? He graduated business school before I was born–so you get the grasp of our age difference. Did this affect your families and friends? Future kids? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. God bless!
 
As long as you are not underage it doesn’t matter how old he is.

But are you 19 and he 38? Or are you 25 and he is 50?

Big difference there.

Love conquers all.
 
I am older than 19 but not at all 25. I look very young, however (good for my career but not really for this situation) and it is quite embarrassing when I get ID’d if we attend a wine gallery—as you can image–for both of us.

Thank you for your response. Love does conquer a lot but I would never want to put my future kids in an awkard situation if people keep confusing us as daughter/father instead of a couple. Then again, it really is no ones business as long as love exists, right?
 
runwaymodel said:
I have been dating a wonderful man for a year now. He is respectful, kind, cares and loves me very much. I let him know early on because of my faith I will not be intimate until marriage (I was honest with him and admitted I am not a virgin but changed my position on premartial sex when I became religious a few years ago.)
Anyway, this isn’t the problem. I am rather young and he is twice my age. Literally. I have no issues with this and was actually concerned that he might be uneasy about the reaction of others. He is not. He has never been married and has no kids.** Like a lot of extremely successful and affluent men, the reason he has not yet married is because he is quite the workaholic. He is a catholic as well, but non-practicing.** We have discussed marriage and he has attended Church with me several times.
We do get a lot of looks from people because I am young and attractive and he is much older and wealthy. Typical stereotypes as you can imagine. I care for this man a lot and can see a long future together, but oftentimes I worry because I don’t want people to misjudge him. I know it shouldn’t bother me because we love each other and that’s all that matters, but it does. I know how some people might view me as well, but I have developed a very thick skin over many years and comments do not phase me. While we have quite a generation gap between the two of us, we share the same morals, values, love for family, etc.
I guess I am wondering if anyone here is in a similar situation? He graduated business school before I was born–so you get the grasp of our age difference. Did this affect your families and friends? Future kids? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. God bless!
Click to expand...
These are red flags. A man who has been married to his work is not free to commit to you - he will very likely treat you as the mistress, while his work will remain his main love interest. “Workaholic” is actually NOT a compliment, although the world believes it to be. If you say someone is an alcoholic, that is not seen as an asset, but everyone jokes about being “workaholics.” Not everyone is, but a man who is 50 or God forbid, 60, and has nothing to show for it but a lot of money and “stuff,” is not a great catch, IMO.

I could not disagree with the previous response more - “love” does not conquer all.
 
You say he is a workaholic. That could cause stress in the future as people usually do not change IMHO. I hope that you would consider that if he is still a workaholic once you have kids, etc. you could have a lot of responsibility on your hands. Just something to consider.
 
My concern would be thinking just a few years down the road…say 10 or so (just guessing on your ages here). You and he both welcome children. You have young children to care for, and his health starts to fail. Would you be able to cope with the care of both small children and an ailing or dying spouse? How would you feel if his health radically limits how much he is able to work or physically care for your children? Would your finances allow you to not work and provide suitable child and healthcare?

I guess my concern isn’t so much for the two of you (since I’m imaging a marriage where you vow to love each other thick and thin) but for the care and lives you create together. It isn’t a dealbreaker, but it is something that should be acknowledged and discussed prior to a marriage.
 
If you love each other and share Christ, I would definitely not give him up because of what others think about the age difference between you. Living alone without the one you love would be much more difficult for both of you than putting up with others’ misperceptions or judgments. It’s no one else’s business! It is between the two of you and God.

One thing you might want to carefully consider is when you are 30, he will be . . . If that doesn’t bother you, and if you are willing to, perhaps, take care of him someday (because he is so much older than you), then what are you waiting for; go for it and be happy!😉
 
Workaholics do not make good husbands and fathers. Something to take into consideration.

Also, when you are 45 you will still be young (ish), while he will be an old man. Can you live with that?

Hope things work out for you and that you make the right decision. God bless.
 
Thank you all so much for the varied responses.
While yes, he is a workaholic, he can retire now and we would never have to worry about money or our kids’ future ever. (I say that so you understand that finances will never be an issue in our case).
I could hire a nanny or au pair to assist me with kids–although I don’t want to do that–I want to be able to care for my future kids on my own…ok, Grandma can help once in a while. 😉
40.png
Ellyakamommy:
My concern would be thinking just a few years down the road…say 10 or so (just guessing on your ages here). You and he both welcome children. You have young children to care for, and his health starts to fail. Would you be able to cope with the care of both small children and an ailing or dying spouse? How would you feel if his health radically limits how much he is able to work or physically care for your children? Would your finances allow you to not work and provide suitable child and healthcare?
Click to expand...
Believe me, I have thought of that before. My Grandparents have been married for 60 years, so I do not take marriage lightly. Once I am married to someone it is for life, so yes, I would care for him as I expect he would care for me if something terrible ever happened (God forbid) at my young age.

I understand that many people seem to have an issue with him being workaholic. But at least he is not an alcoholic, lacks values, abusive, disrespectful, etc. What I mean to say is, there is a LOT worse than a man who works.
 
First I’d like to wish you both the very best! As long as you are of legal age (as an adult, that is), then I don’t think age should be too big of an issue as long as the two of you are on the same page.

My concern is this: If he’s so much older and has never been married or had children because he’s a workaholic, perhaps that is just his way of life. I’m truly not trying to say this in a mean way at all, but why do you feel that he’d eventually feel differently with you? Even if you’ve discussed marriage, that doesn’t necessarily mean that a marriage will ever take place.

My sister married a man much older than her when she was 19, almost 20, and he was already so set in his ways that when the children came along, he had no desire to deal with them or be a real father to them. He became more and more engrossed in his work and his social life (just as he had before marriage) and now, I have my sister and all four of her little ones living with me because the marriage has fallen apart. Every case is different, but I do pray for you because sometimes, big age differences pose their own unique set of problems that you don’t realize until later on down the line! 😦
 
runwaymodel said:
While yes, he is a workaholic, he can retire now and we would never have to worry about money or our kids’ future ever. (I say that so you understand that finances will never be an issue in our case).

I understand that many people seem to have an issue with him being workaholic. But at least he is not an alcoholic, lacks values, abusive, disrespectful, etc. What I mean to say is, there is a LOT worse than a man who works.
Click to expand...
Money is not the reason why workaholics work they way they do. Work is often an obsession and the need can translate into other areas of life, like a hobby for example. Workaholics always have to do something in order to keep busy. Retirement can be death for someone like that, I’ve seen that happen. And unfortunately family will never be as important as a job. I grew up with a workaholic father and it was a very lonely way to live. People who have a workaholic spouse or parent are likely to tell you the same. Because of my experience I have always avoided men with such tendencies, because there is no point in being married and a single mom at the same time.
 
Another thing to consider are your friends. Do you and this gentleman share some of the same friend groups? Does he get along with your friends and do you get along with his?

One of my husband’s female friends married a man who was much older than she. She joined in with her husband’s older friend group and became somewhat alienated from her younger friend group. She seemed to mature very quickly and when we saw them last, the age gap between her husband and herself seemed to have disappeared. Are you ready to “grow up really fast” if you will be spending a lot of time with all of his older friends who may be at very different spots in life? Just another thing to think about.

I wish you both all the best in all of the decisions you make.

:blessyou:
 
I read that you are only asking if the age difference is a problem from how others view it.

I would say no. You can have a successful and loving marriage and have an age difference. Don’t worry so much about how it will “look” to others. You say you share the same values and morals.

Good luck and God Bless.
 
While I cringe at the “addiction” flag being used for work, it seems as if he is already married to his job.

He has time for a fun, young girlfriend who probably makes him feel youthful. If he’s worked all the time he’s probably not had much of a chance to emotinally mature out of his 20’s. He dosn’t go to Church, which to me shows a great level of immaturity. I believe in being passioniate in what you beileve…either for or against. Medorictry drives me nuts.

You can only decide what’s best for you, but be careful. This seems like a hard, dangerous road.
 
Delaine75 said:
First I’d like to wish you both the very best! As long as you are of legal age (as an adult, that is), then I don’t think age should be too big of an issue as long as the two of you are on the same page.

**My concern is this: If he’s so much older and has never been married or had children because he’s a workaholic, perhaps that is just his way of life. I’m truly not trying to say this in a mean way at all, but why do you feel that he’d eventually feel differently with you? Even if you’ve discussed marriage, that doesn’t necessarily mean that a marriage will ever take place. **
Click to expand...
Very interesting. I never saw it this way. Thank you for the different (name removed by moderator)ut.
Bearontherun said:
Another thing to consider are your friends. Do you and this gentleman share some of the same friend groups? Does he get along with your friends and do you get along with his?
Click to expand...
Because of the career I am in (modeling) most of the people I associate with are older than myself, which has caused me to grow up fairly quickly over the years. In fact, I can hardly relate to anyone in my age range because we live such very different lifestyles. When I attend an event or go out it is not to make friends but to ‘network’. I have this mindframe in everyday life as well. (A whole different topic)
Again, this is why I do not think like most of the youth my age. We have different priorities. So intermingling our social groups,“friends” or associates will be very harmonious.
 
runwaymodel said:
Thank you all so much for the varied responses.
**While yes, he is a workaholic, he can retire now **and we would never have to worry about money or our kids’ future ever. (I say that so you understand that finances will never be an issue in our case).
I could hire a nanny or au pair to assist me with kids–although I don’t want to do that–I want to be able to care for my future kids on my own…ok, Grandma can help once in a while. 😉

I understand that many people seem to have an issue with him being workaholic. But at least he is not an alcoholic, lacks values, abusive, disrespectful, etc. What I mean to say is, there is a LOT worse than a man who works.
Click to expand...
You do not understand. There is no such thing as retirement for someone who really is a workaholic. Does he describe himself that way? Is he available to you emotionally? I mean, really and truly, or is he still very involved with his work to the point where you always come second? This will take some reflection, I would think, because it sounds as if you are in love and it’s hard to see reality when the haze of love blinds us…

Yes, you are right - in a way, a workaholic is “better” than an alcoholic, although both “diseases” are progressive and deadly. The workaholic or work-addicted person is actually addicted to their own adrenaline, which is very hard on the heart and other organs. They can literally work themselves to death (see Japan). But unless there are other addictions, they usually don’t leave their widows penniless. You may have monetary security, but something huge will be missing from your marriage.

You will be lonely, if he really is a workaholic. And I believe that he is, since he is far past the normal age a man would be looking to marry and have children. Have you looked into his family background yet? When you have children, he may spend even more time working. You think a nanny will help your loneliness? Money can’t buy intimacy. Money can’t buy an involved loving daddy for your kids.

In our home, we now joke about the “R” word (meaning the dreadful “retirement”). “Don’t say the R word!” It’s funny, but not funny. I envy women whose husbands actually do retire. Mine will never do that. I expect he will be forming a new company on the day he dies. 😦 Even if he lives to be 100.
 
Age differences were the norm in the past ; there is a belief for some that S. Joseph, as an example, was an older man when betrothed to Mary, which is why he disappears from Scripture after our LORD was twelve years old: he died at an expected age.

The modern ideal of man and woman being the same age and going through youthful foolishnesses together is an artifact of our age-segregated highschool culture (reinforced by the mass media). It is not necessarily the best possible situation.

Yes, people will talk, and some may think he is your dad. But if you both can live with that, there is no reason not to go ahead. Provided he feels the way you do about marriage and it’s permanency.

ICXC NIKA
 
Leegal said:
I read that you are only asking if the age difference is a problem from how others view it.

I would say no. You can have a successful and loving marriage and have an age difference. Don’t worry so much about how it will “look” to others. You say you share the same values and morals.

Good luck and God Bless.
Click to expand...
This is what I was thinking as well. If you take the “age difference” off the plate, does the relationship offer you everything you are looking for in a mate and marriage? People can get hung up on the term “workaholic” because there are many definitions to the word as there are people and their personal experiences. Some would have called my dad a “workaholic”, some would call my husband one as well, because their work schedules were/are very demanding. But I would say my husband is the best around, and its still just a job and not a priority that comes before me and our daughter’s best interests. Your potential husband’s work ethic or priority or schedule is something you definitely should discuss, just as much as all the other issues you would also discuss with ANY potential spouse of any age. Fully discuss future health concerns, birth control, finances, job demands/careers, etc, etc. Leave no hard question unanswered, regardless of the age difference.
 
“love” does not conquer all- at least not the love that a regular 20yr old would be acquainted with.

The love that conquers all is that, strong, unwavering total will, to sacrifice yourself for the good of the other. The Love that died on the Cross is what conquers all.

What I would recommend is for you to make a list of qualities you would like in your future husband, and, more importantly, in the father of your future children. How many does he display? A man who lived a single, affluent lifestyle for so long might know very little about patience, giving in, putting himself 3rd, flexibility, compassion etc which are absolutely necessary in the marriage vocation if you are to live it for the glory of God.

Also, please keep in mind that there are 2 factors that are partially blinding both of you.
Your beauty- for him
His wealth - for you.

Men will do and say many wild things for a beautiful woman (and as soon as a woman picks up on that she starts manipulating to the extreme, I wish I didn’t know as much as I do about this, but it is a reality)

Women, in their vanity, are blinded by luxury, possessions, comfort and everything a man with money can offer. Wealthy men, often end up buying their wives and children off. I.e I work all the time or am always absent from the home, but I fly you to Paris for the weekend and to bora bora every month and the children get everything they want.

Please be very honest with yourself and see if you run the risk of getting into this kind of lifestyle by being with this man. It may be fun and games if it’s just the 2 of you, but with children in the mix it could be disastrous. As a Catholic, who seems to take her faith and the sacrament of marriage very seriously, you have to make the most responsible decision possible as to whom you want to entrust your future and how you will establish a family for the expansion of God’s kingdom.

May God give you wisdom and light!
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You do not understand. There is no such thing as retirement for someone who really is a workaholic. Does he describe himself that way? Is he available to you emotionally? I mean, really and truly, or is he still very involved with his work to the point where you always come second? This will take some reflection, I would think, because it sounds as if you are in love and it’s hard to see reality when the haze of love blinds us…

Yes, you are right - in a way, a workaholic is “better” than an alcoholic, although both “diseases” are progressive and deadly. The workaholic or work-addicted person is actually addicted to their own adrenaline, which is very hard on the heart and other organs. They can literally work themselves to death (see Japan). But unless there are other addictions, they usually don’t leave their widows penniless. You may have monetary security, but something huge will be missing from your marriage.

You will be lonely, if he really is a workaholic. And I believe that he is, since he is far past the normal age a man would be looking to marry and have children. Have you looked into his family background yet? When you have children, he may spend even more time working. You think a nanny will help your loneliness? Money can’t buy intimacy. Money can’t buy an involved loving daddy for your kids.
Click to expand...
I respect your very real and honest response. No, he does not refer himself as a workaholic, I am the one who categorizes him that way. He has been very supportive and available to me emotional…more than I ever could ask for. He will, and has, dropped everything to be there for me at a crucial time.
I am unlike a lot of women in the aspect that I cherish and adore my free time. I like to have spac–I need to have space. I am a very independent girl and have relied only on myself for many years so being ‘lonely’ while he is a work will not bother me.
I am more concerned about our age difference. Maybe I just should attempt not to care so much what other people think or assume.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top