Marrying a non-baptized person (long, sorry!)

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artanis50

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Hello,
I am Catholic and my fiance is not any religion. He has never been baptized. His family are all Jehovah’s Witnesses, and when he was old enough to make his own decisions, he did not want to be any part of the religion.

We are planned to get married at the end of June in the church where I received all my other sacraments except baptism. It was important to me to be married in the church. His mother refuses to come to our ceremony because she says it will “compromise her conscience” to be in a Catholic church. My fiance said he was ok with this as he knows how important it is to me. Here is the big question - I have heard conflicting things about having a mass or no mass. We do not want a mass - it was a compromise I made with him. He was ok with being married in a church as long as we didn’t have mass.

But my mother won’t stop bothering me and asking me to change my mind. She says it’s very inconvenient for the rest of the family that they will have to go back to church on Sunday for weekly mass.

So, my questions:
  • Can we have a mass if I am Catholic and he is not baptized?
  • Since we do not WANT a mass, can the priest absolve everyone from having to go again the next day?
I want everyone to be happy - including myself and my fiance - but I don’t think I can make everyone happy.
 
I don’t have answers to any of your questions, but I have a question myself. do you have any relatives that are not Catholic that are married… if you do, you can ask your mother how is it different from their marriage.

I don’t think most people would mind going to a wedding on a Saturday and then Mass again on a Sunday. Lots of people go to non-Catholic weddings. Besides (and I might be mistaken on this), unless your Wedding falls on a Saturday night I don’t think it will count towards Sunday obligation anyway. So even if it was a full Mass, everyone would still be obligated to go to Mass again the next day.

I wish you the best and I hope you come up with a way to appease your mother (come up with a good “compromise” of sorts).
 
artanis50 said:
Hello,
I am Catholic and my fiance is not any religion. He has never been baptized. His family are all Jehovah’s Witnesses, and when he was old enough to make his own decisions, he did not want to be any part of the religion.

We are planned to get married at the end of June in the church where I received all my other sacraments except baptism. It was important to me to be married in the church. His mother refuses to come to our ceremony because she says it will “compromise her conscience” to be in a Catholic church. My fiance said he was ok with this as he knows how important it is to me. Here is the big question - I have heard conflicting things about having a mass or no mass. We do not want a mass - it was a compromise I made with him. He was ok with being married in a church as long as we didn’t have mass.

But my mother won’t stop bothering me and asking me to change my mind. She says it’s very inconvenient for the rest of the family that they will have to go back to church on Sunday for weekly mass.

So, my questions:
  • Can we have a mass if I am Catholic and he is not baptized?
  • Since we do not WANT a mass, can the priest absolve everyone from having to go again the next day?
I want everyone to be happy - including myself and my fiance - but I don’t think I can make everyone happy.
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Congrats your upcoming marriage!

If your wedding is taking place early on a Saturday, your family will still need to attend mass the next day. The only times I’ve ever heard a priest announce that the nuptial mass “counted” for Sunday mass was when it took place after 4:30. (I cantor for weddings several times a month during the “wedding season”.)

It was my understanding that if the non-Catholic spouse was not a baptised Christian, then a mass would not be permitted, but you should consult your priest because I’ve pretty much seen it all when it comes to what is sometimes permitted at certain parishes.
 
There was only one person in my family who was married without a mass - she took a lot of heat for it - especially since it wasn’t even in a church at all.

I didn’t realize about the 4:30 thing - My ceremony is at 3:00. I will call my church today and ask them.

Thank you
 
You can go back to your mother and tell her, her request cannot be granted. A nuptial mass will not fulfill your families mass obligation, unless it happens in the evening on a Saturday (or on a Sunday) and you use the correct liturgical readings for that weekend. So they will have to go back for Sunday Mass regardless of what you do for your wedding. (I got married on a Saturday at 1:30pm and then my dh and I got up and went to morning Mass on Sunday. 🤷

Second, it is highly discouraged for a couple to have a wedding mass if one is not Catholic, as he (and usually a large portion of the congregation) will not be able to receive communion. The fact that he is not baptized might even mean that a priest would not do a Mass.
 
Both of your families are acting like spoiled brats. You are not obligated to have mass just for the convenience of your family. (I don’t think it counts towards the Sunday obligation anyway). I also question just how serious they are about their faith if they resent having to go to church twice in one week. I mean, I’m an atheist and that attitude makes me roll my eyes.

As for his mom, I really don’t agree with her decision but the best advice I can give you is to respect her decision exactly as much as you would respect your Catholic family’s choice to boycott an invalid wedding. That way you are being fair to your fiance in your treatment of his family. If you would quietly accept your family’s choice, do that for her.

On second thought, even if you would throw a fit to your own family try to be nicer than that to your MIL.🙂
 
artanis50 said:
But my mother won’t stop bothering me and asking me to change my mind. She says it’s very inconvenient for the rest of the family that they will have to go back to church on Sunday for weekly mass.

So, my questions:
  • Can we have a mass if I am Catholic and he is not baptized?
  • Since we do not WANT a mass, can the priest absolve everyone from having to go again the next day?
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I was under the impression that you cannot have a full mass with a wedding unless both parties are Catholic. Since your fiance is not Catholic, then you can have a service but not a full mass.

Furthermore, a wedding mass does not count as your sunday obligation.

I remember back in grade school I was talking with a priest about how many times can one person receive communion in one day. I think the answer we came up with was five, but I can’t remember them all. Essentially, you go to the Saturday morning mass, then attend a funeral and a wedding and possibly something else, then go to Sunday vigil in the evening. You can do this because they are all celebrating different things, and not attending the same mass twice.
 
THANK YOU everyone for your feedback.

The priest marrying us is very flexible - I think if we asked for a mass he would do it even though it’s not recommended when one is not baptized. (He let us do marriage prep online because of scheduling conflicts!)

I agree that everyone is being spoiled - but I feel like I am too because I’m doing what I want and not what everyone else wants.

I tried to compromise with my future mother in law - but she acted like she was 10 years old and wouldn’t even talk to me. We have asked her to come to the outside of the church to take photos. We want her to be part of the day and I feel awful she won’t witness our marriage. But it’s her decision and my fiance and I have both dealt with that. As for my family, my mother just won’t stop bugging me. I keep telling her (as nicely as I can) that I’m sorry it’s not convenient for the family, but that we are not having mass.
She is hosting a brunch the next morning and keeps telling me nobody will be there because they have to go to mass. Well, that’s THEIR CHOICE. Not to mention, there are at least 5 Catholic churches nearby that they could attend as they leave the area. (They all live out of town). I don’t see the big deal in going to brunch, checking out of the hotel and then going to 12:00 mass.
 
Typically when one party is not Catholic, the Marriage Rite outside the Mass is used. Your priest would have to approve having a Nuptial Mass, and it would be very awkward for your fiance, as he could not receive the Eucharist. I really suggest you not go there.

Regarding your mother-- you are an adult and you need to set the stage for how things will go in the future. This won’t be the last time she tries to guilt you into something, so put your foot down.

The wedding attendees will need to go to Mass on Sunday, or receive a dispensation from their **own **pastor prior to coming to the wedding-- not yours. As has been pointed out, a 3 p.m. wedding Mass would not suffice for the Sunday obligation anyway. They will live. They are adults, and they will figure it out on their own.
 
artanis50 said:
I didn’t realize about the 4:30 thing - My ceremony is at 3:00. I will call my church today and ask them.

Thank you
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My nuptial mass was at 3:00 as well and it did not fulfill our Sunday obligation. I don’t know if 4:30 is the magic hour, but most vigil masses in our area don’t start earlier than 4:30.
 
If you had a wedding Mass on Saturday at 3pm, all the Catholics would still be obligated to go to Mass on Sunday anyway.
 
artanis50 said:
THANK YOU everyone for your feedback.

The priest marrying us is very flexible - I think if we asked for a mass he would do it even though it’s not recommended when one is not baptized. (He let us do marriage prep online because of scheduling conflicts!)

I agree that everyone is being spoiled - but I feel like I am too because I’m doing what I want and not what everyone else wants.

I tried to compromise with my future mother in law - but she acted like she was 10 years old and wouldn’t even talk to me. We have asked her to come to the outside of the church to take photos. We want her to be part of the day and I feel awful she won’t witness our marriage. But it’s her decision and my fiance and I have both dealt with that. As for my family, my mother just won’t stop bugging me. I keep telling her (as nicely as I can) that I’m sorry it’s not convenient for the family, but that we are not having mass.
She is hosting a brunch the next morning and keeps telling me nobody will be there because they have to go to mass. Well, that’s THEIR CHOICE. Not to mention, there are at least 5 Catholic churches nearby that they could attend as they leave the area. (They all live out of town). I don’t see the big deal in going to brunch, checking out of the hotel and then going to 12:00 mass.
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In regards to your mother, I agree with 1ke to nip her bugging in the bud now. Your wedding time will more than likely not fulfill the Sunday mass obligation, so you’ll have to tell your mother and family that it won’t count, anyway, even if you wanted to do a nuptial mass. Then you can also have the priest announce that at the wedding, which I’ve heard done as well. A Sunday mass is only an hour long, sometimes shorter, so I can’t see why it would cause a problem with the brunch.

I am sorry about your situation with your mother-in-law. That is tough. I don’t know what to say about that because this is obviously something she feels very strongly about in regards to her religion and faith. The only thing I can say is just be the bigger person and don’t cause a fight. At best, perhaps seeing you approach everything with love will soften her.
 
A catholic marrying a non-baptized person cannot have a mass.

And even if you did, it would not fulfill the obligation.
 
Here’s the response I would offer my mother.

Mom, I’m not marrying you. If I were, I’d take our wedding very seriously. I am marrying “joe”, and 1) it is likely not ok to have a Mass with a non baptised, non Catholic. So while you try to impress on me just how Catholic you are,it turns out you don’t know all the rules. So lighten up a little. 2) I’m marrying Joe, and our comprimise is to marry in the Church so that I may stay within my faith guidelines, and not have a mass so that he is NOT EXCLUDED from a large portion of his own wedding. This really sounds quite reasonable.

Be prepared for your mom to pull the I’M Paying for this string. If that’s the case, announce a HUGE cut in the guest list. So now no one has to worry about 2 church services since they won’t be at yours.

As far as his mother is concerned. The fact he’s ready to roll without her actually speaks volumes. Although she is likely to be a thorn in your shoe, just WAIT until it’s time to baptise the little ones. Now if he were screaming about this so mommy could go, then I’d say time to step back and evaluate just how much fighting you want to do for the rest of your life. It does wear you down. This I can promise! Likewise, my advise would be the same to him. If you let your mother roll you both over on this, I’d tell him to prepare to have another woman in his bed for the rest of his/her life. And I’d recommend the reconsideration.

But it actually sounds like you both are pretty solid with each other. I would seriously inform your mother “decision made, and you won’t discuss it further.” Or you know, let her think she has gotten her way until the day of. She’ll figure it out when the wedding is over and communion was not offered.
 
artanis50 said:
But my mother won’t stop bothering me and asking me to change my mind. She says it’s very inconvenient for the rest of the family that they will have to go back to church on Sunday for weekly mass.
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Thanks. That was the best laugh I’ve had all day. :rotfl:
 
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