Marrying a non-catholic, can it work!?

[angelstar3]

So first off, I am in love with my faith, I am a very devout Catholic (now), I would want nothing more than to be married to a Catholic. It didn’t really work out that way though, as I have already had a child out of wedlock, a beautiful 2 year old, and I am engaged to her father…a baptized, non Catholic. He is a Christian, but does not agree with the Catholic Church in the slightest and has told me he will never be Catholic, that breaks my heart, but…

He has agreed that all our children will be raised Catholic.

He agrees to NFP.

While he doesnt like Catholicism, he knows how important it is to me, and says he respects that.

I have considered if mutual faith is worth throwing away the family we have already created. We do both love each other, I will never be, or want to be “less Catholic”, I hope to grow in my faith daily and take my children with me.

Can a marriage successfully work, and produce actively Catholic children, if the husband is not Catholic?

 

[Verenda]

So first off, I am in love with my faith, I am a very devout Catholic (now), I would want nothing more than to be married to a Catholic. It didn’t really work out that way though, as I have already had a child out of wedlock, a beautiful 2 year old, and I am engaged to her father…a baptized, non Catholic. He is a Christian, but does not agree with the Catholic Church in the slightest and has told me he will never be Catholic, that breaks my heart, but…

He has agreed that all our children will be raised Catholic.

He agrees to NFP.

While he doesnt like Catholicism, he knows how important it is to me, and says he respects that.

I have considered if mutual faith is worth throwing away the family we have already created. We do both love each other, I will never be, or want to be “less Catholic”, I hope to grow in my faith daily and take my children with me.

**Can a marriage successfully work, and produce actively Catholic children, if the husband is not Catholic?/**QUOTE]

I think it will be very difficult and you will probably develop some pretty thick calluses on your knees, but nothing is impossible with God. I suggest that you both receive pre-marital counseling on this issue.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

So first off, I am in love with my faith, I am a very devout Catholic (now), I would want nothing more than to be married to a Catholic. It didn’t really work out that way though, as I have already had a child out of wedlock, a beautiful 2 year old, and I am engaged to her father…a baptized, non Catholic. He is a Christian, but does not agree with the Catholic Church in the slightest and has told me he will never be Catholic, that breaks my heart, but…

He has agreed that all our children will be raised Catholic.

He agrees to NFP.

While he doesnt like Catholicism,*** he knows how important it is to me, and says he respects that. ***

I have considered if mutual faith is worth throwing away the family we have already created. We do both love each other, I will never be, or want to be “less Catholic”, I hope to grow in my faith daily and take my children with me.

Can a marriage successfully work, and produce actively Catholic children, if the husband is not Catholic?

Give what you’ve described here, what are some reasons you can think of for the marriage not working?

Luna

 

[tafan]

Yes it can work. It is very by no means an ideal way to enter into a marriage, hence it is very ill advised to enter into a romantic relationship with a non-Catholic. But you are past that point, so you may well have to struggle hard to make a good marriage a reality despite him not being Catholic

 

[maryjk]

Can it work? Yes.

Might it be hard work? Oh yea. It just might be.

Will you have to be strong? More than you ever know.

You will have to do a lot of talking and discussing. Will he attend Mass with you? ( my husband doesn’t) What about on Christmas and Easter? (my husband does) Will he be there for the important days of your child’s life like 1st Communion and Confirmation? (yes, for us) What about NFP, he says yes now, but what about in 20 years? (again, yes for us) What about if you are sick and your child(ren) need to get to Mass, will he take them? (Again, yes for us)

And that is just the tip of the ice burg.

Don’t go into any marriage with your eyes closed. Certainly don’t go into a mixed marriage that way.

 

[angelstar3]

Give what you’ve described here, what are some reasons you can think of for the marriage not working?

Mostly that we will not be a unified unit on our faith, our children will see him not doing the sign of the cross with us, refusing to go to mass (he has agreed to go on anything regarding the children only, as well as pay to put them through catholic school). The main issue I think is I am worried that somehow his hostility towards the church will end up rubbing off on our children, despite my best efforts.

I do know ideally I should have entered into a relationship with a catholic, but as someone said, I am past that point. I think I just want some encouragement before we say our “I,do’s” that this is the right path; keeping our family together; and that we can still have a successful marriage despite our religious differences. <3

 

[angelstar3]

Can it work? Yes.

Might it be hard work? Oh yea. It just might be.

Will you have to be strong? More than you ever know.

You will have to do a lot of talking and discussing. Will he attend Mass with you? ( my husband doesn’t) What about on Christmas and Easter? (my husband does) Will he be there for the important days of your child’s life like 1st Communion and Confirmation? (yes, for us) What about NFP, he says yes now, but what about in 20 years? (again, yes for us) What about if you are sick and your child(ren) need to get to Mass, will he take them? (Again, yes for us)

And that is just the tip of the ice burg.

Don’t go into any marriage with your eyes closed. Certainly don’t go into a mixed marriage that way.

Thank you!
He says he will not attend Mass unless it has something to do with the children, (baptisms, 1st communion, if our child is an alter server and wants him to see her, etc), otherwise, No.

I do not think he will take them to mass if I am sick, if they NEED to go for something I am sure he will, thank you for raising that question, I did not think of that and I will discuss it with him, as well as if he will go with us on Christmas, I already know he will not go for Easter.

 

[faithfully]

Does he agree not to openly express his distaste for the Catholic Church? Will he not contradict the teach? etc.

Yes, it can absolutely work to be married to someone you love who is not on the same page. Many of us have successfully done so.

No idea if it’s harder than any other marriage. I know Catholics married to Catholics and I wouldn’t want anything to do with some of those marriages. And while I hope my DH will convert some day. I wouldn’t trade him for anyone. Period.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Give what you’ve described here, what are some reasons you can think of for the marriage not working?

Mostly that we will not be a unified unit on our faith, our children will see him not doing the sign of the cross with us, refusing to go to mass (he has agreed to go on anything regarding the children only, as well as pay to put them through catholic school). The main issue I think is I am worried that somehow his hostility towards the church will end up rubbing off on our children, despite my best efforts.

I do know ideally I should have entered into a relationship with a catholic, but as someone said, I am past that point. I think I just want some encouragement before we say our “I,do’s” that this is the right path; keeping our family together; and that we can still have a successful marriage despite our religious differences. <3

You say he is hostile towards the Church, but he is willing for his children to be baptized and brought up Catholic, AND to pay for them to be educated in Catholic schools. Unless he is lying about this, that is NOT really hostility! Discuss this at length with him, and talk about every situation that you can think of, in order to test out whether or not he means this or is stringing you along about it (yes, it happens). Oh, and I assume you will be married in a Catholic Church too?

It must not be in any doubt that you two both love your children and that in the main, you agree on matters of faith. He believes in Jesus Christ, the Trinity, the Ascension, etc. You should stress the commonality and so should he. I think you should not chance anything, but INSIST upon his behavior with the children. Does he attend any other church and will he fight to have the children go to his church too? I’m assuming not, since you haven’t said that.

You can pray for him, and the kids can pray for him as soon as you start teaching them to pray. Not as in, “Let’s pray for Dad because he’s not Catholic,” but, “Let’s pray for Dad because he loves you and needs prayer.” You will have to be very truthful with them about your situation, they will have questions as time goes by. “Why doesn’t Daddy come to church with us?” etc.

Many people have been led to the faith through their children. Pray for your husband’s conversion!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you!
He says he will not attend Mass unless it has something to do with the children, (baptisms, 1st communion, if our child is an alter server and wants him to see her, etc), otherwise, No.

I do not think he will take them to mass if I am sick, if they NEED to go for something I am sure he will, thank you for raising that question, I did not think of that and I will discuss it with him, as well as if he will go with us on Christmas, I already know he will not go for Easter.

Does he understand that it is an obligation for Catholics to attend Mass weekly? That his children will have that obligation once they have received the Eucharist? Make sure he does understand, and why he should take his children to Mass if you cannot.

 

[armywife]

I did not think of that and I will discuss it with him, as well as if he will go with us on Christmas, I already know he will not go for Easter.

This will be difficult. For me Mass was part of the tradition of the holiday. Think about getting the kids ready for Easter or Christmas with Dad still in pj’s.

My husband is a convert and wasn’t Catholic for the first 8.5 years of our marriage. It was the hardest time and I made some typical mistakes early on. When I stopped nagging and laying on the guilt he started going to Mass once in a while. I will say in my experience it was easier for me because he had no faith background and didn’t really see religion one way or another. I raised the kids as I liked and he didn’t have an opinion.

Also, just be aware of the difficulties of NFP. He says yes now, but what about if you’ve had two or three in a few years? (I’m not bashing NFP, just being realistic).

 

[Neofight]

I don’t want to rain on anybody’s parade, but saying it will be difficult to work could be a very broad generalization. Do any marriages not take hard work and effort to work, whether or not both a Catholic.

I know of a catholic woman who married a non-practicing Lutheran when they were just over 20 years old. Thirty-five years later she is still with that man, happily married, having raised two wonderful kids and having a lovely grand daughter.

Saying a mixed religious marriage is automatically going to be difficult, discounts the power and grace of the Holy Spirit.

This woman’s husband heard the Spirit and converted to Catholicism 33 years after they married. The man was not a Catholic all those years, but he understood the other commandment that Jesus said was as important as loving God with all that we have. His understanding of this virtue transcended church doctrine. While not a card carrying Catholic, he subscribed to the core commands of God, and all worked out well.

And I’m glad it did…because I love that woman and God just as much as I did 35 years ago!

Is marriage going to be hard work? Sure, but don’t blame the difficulty on differences in religion. Instead, embrace the challenge of loving as Jesus wanted us to love, and the religion issue will take care of itself.

Pax

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t want to rain on anybody’s parade, but saying it will be difficult to work could be a very broad generalization. Do any marriages not take hard work and effort to work, whether or not both a Catholic.

I know of a catholic woman who married a non-practicing Lutheran when they were just over 20 years old. Thirty-five years later she is still with that man, happily married, having raised two wonderful kids and having a lovely grand daughter.

Saying a mixed religious marriage is automatically going to be difficult, discounts the power and grace of the Holy Spirit.

This woman’s husband heard the Spirit and converted to Catholicism 33 years after they married. The man was not a Catholic all those years, but he understood the other commandment that Jesus said was as important as loving God with all that we have. His understanding of this virtue transcended church doctrine. While not a card carrying Catholic, he subscribed to the core commands of God, and all worked out well.

And I’m glad it did…because I love that woman and God just as much as I did 35 years ago!

Is marriage going to be hard work? Sure, but don’t blame the difficulty on differences in religion. Instead, embrace the challenge of loving as Jesus wanted us to love, and the religion issue will take care of itself.

Pax

Very glad things worked out so well for you, but all other things being equal, an “unequally yoked” marriage is going to have difficulties in that area as well as any other differences that happen in any marriage. Believing that “the religion issue will take care of itself” is naive, and smacks of fantasy. Yes of course the Holy Spirit can convert our unbelieving or non-Catholic spouses, but in the meantime…

And as a Lutheran, you were a “cousin” in faith to us Catholics, so…

Your testimony is great to hear about though!

 

[nickybr38]

I think it is the ‘norm’ these days but I think it takes a very special sort of person to succeed in this kind of marriage.

I know I am not strong enough to be married to someone who does not share my faith.

All you have to ask yourself is are you strong enough? Are you mature enough (in your faith AND in general)?

Most importantly, is it what God wants for you?

Nobody can answer any of these questions for you.

 

[Verenda]

Give what you’ve described here, what are some reasons you can think of for the marriage not working?

Mostly that we will not be a unified unit on our faith, our children will see him not doing the sign of the cross with us, refusing to go to mass (he has agreed to go on anything regarding the children only, as well as pay to put them through catholic school). The main issue I think is I am worried that somehow his hostility towards the church will end up rubbing off on our children, despite my best efforts.

I do know ideally I should have entered into a relationship with a catholic, but as someone said, I am past that point. I think I just want some encouragement before we say our “I,do’s” that this is the right path; keeping our family together; and that we can still have a successful marriage despite our religious differences. <3

What are his reasons for being so hostile to the Catholic Church? You don’t have to answer this, but think it over. Why is he not open to his wife and children’s faith?

 

[nickybr38]

Very glad things worked out so well for you, but all other things being equal, an “unequally yoked” marriage is going to have difficulties in that area as well as any other differences that happen in any marriage. Believing that “the religion issue will take care of itself” is naive, and smacks of fantasy. Yes of course the Holy Spirit can convert our unbelieving or non-Catholic spouses, but in the meantime…

And as a Lutheran, you were a “cousin” in faith to us Catholics, so…

Your testimony is great to hear about though!

People always bring up the successful mixed faith marriages in these sort of discussions but what about the many, many, many, many failed ones? I honestly think mixed marriages that end in conversion of one spouse are special cases and a gift from the Holy Spirit but I don’t believe they are the norm by any means.

 

[maryjk]

Does he understand that it is an obligation for Catholics to attend Mass weekly? That his children will have that obligation once they have received the Eucharist? Make sure he does understand, and why he should take his children to Mass if you cannot.

This is something to think about. My husband used to take our son, and sit in the hallway or even in the car. Now he drops him off or our son catches a ride. Soon our son will be able to drive himself.

Is marriage going to be hard work? Sure, but don’t blame the difficulty on differences in religion. Instead, embrace the challenge of loving as Jesus wanted us to love, and the religion issue will take care of itself.

Pax

I have to say that our marriage hasn’t been hard work. I can’t think of a time that we have had any major difficulties. We have been through a lot, joblessness, moving out of state, serious illness, in-law problems, the list goes on. But we have always faced our problems together.

Which is why I said that it “might be” hard work. It might not be. Ours hasn’t been.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

People always bring up the successful mixed faith marriages in these sort of discussions but what about the many, many, many, many failed ones? I honestly think mixed marriages that end in conversion of one spouse are special cases and a gift from the Holy Spirit but I don’t believe they are the norm by any means.

Even where the non-Catholic spouse does not interfere directly with the children being raised Catholic, there is a huge missing element in the childrens’ Catholic upbringing. They receive only ONE parent’s Catholic faith and devotion. In my case, I am a very flawed Catholic myself, struggling to pass along my interrupted and short catechesis and learn as I go, while trying NOT to upset my husband and get into fights about what I believe and what he doesn’t believe. Walking on eggshells trying to be Catholic but not being able to do anything in the parish. Teaching about the sacraments to complete silence from him. Telling our son that sex with his girlfriend was wrong and that using condoms did not make it right. But not having his father reiterate that sex before marriage is wrong…

I’ve done the best I could, but my best hasn’t been very good, overall. It would have been far, far better if my husband had been able to give his sons a good Catholic foundation instead of just me.

And, for his part, I know he resents that he has had to keep quiet and not contradict me - we’ve had a few discussions and his eyes get very cold and hard when he speaks about it. I am so sad… Neither of us has had the partner we wanted and yearned for, I guess…

 

[KP3243]

Hi!

I was just listening to Catholic radio today and the host said if a father does not attend weekly mass with his children their statistics show that 1 out of 50 kids will end up being a devout Catholic or Christian no matter how often mom goes with them. The show was a Father’s Day special emphasizing how important dad’s role in kids and their grandchildren’s spiritual lives are. I hope for son that your fiancé reconsiders.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

53.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

In all seriousness, I’d want to see the study he pulled that statistic from.