Marrying a non-practicing Catholic

[vlhannon]

I’m a protestant and I’ve been dating a Catholic for three years now. We intend to get engaged as soon as I finish my degree next year and get married a year or so after that.

He is a cradle Catholic and has told me that it is very important to him that we get married in a church by a priest. I was fine with that and with agreeing to raise our children Catholic (which I understand in a requirement for a protestant to marry a Catholic). However, about a year ago, he stopped going to mass regularly and started only going for major holidays.

I’m at a lost as to how I can proceed and continue to agree to raise my children in a tradition that is not my own if he won’t put in the work to be a practicing Catholic. Any advice?

 

[monicatholic]

No advice on how to proceed, but…

If you’ve been engaging in sexual relationship with a man who says his faith is important to him ( I don’t know if you are. I said “if”.)

And

If he insists you baptize and raise catholic kids together because his faith is important to him
Then he abandons any meaningful practice of his faith

It’s fair to conclude his faith really isn’t that important to him. Even though he said it was.

Beyond faith issues, I’d be wondering ( if I was his future bride) " is this how I want my man to treat important things? Or do I want a man who demonstrates more commitment than this?"

 

[enbell]

No advice on how to proceed, but…

If you’ve been engaging in sexual relationship with a man who says his faith is important to him ( I don’t know if you are. I said “if”.)

And

If he insists you baptize and raise catholic kids together because his faith is important to him
Then he abandons any meaningful practice of his faith

It’s fair to conclude his faith really isn’t that important to him. Even though he said it was.

Beyond faith issues, I’d be wondering ( if I was his future bride) " is this how I want my man to treat important things? Or do I want a man who demonstrates more commitment than this?"

Where does it say they have been?

 

[monicatholic]

Chill out. Read carefully. I wrote " If."

It’s a big IF , but not the least bit implausible, wiith lots of implications IF it’s happening.

 

[jacel311]

Have you brought your concerns to him?

I can tell you from personal experience that marrying outside of your religion creates many more challenges to your relationship. If one spouse is stronger in their faith, and holds to that agreement, then it makes sense to continue. If he is not taking his part of the agreement seriously, as you mentioned by him not attending mass regularly, then before you take the next step towards marriage you and he need to sit down and have an open discussion. Once children are involved, there is no turning back.

Also, may I ask if there is any chance you may be interested in going to church together? Perhaps if you can be open to joining him, his faith will be renewed and it will make it an easier transition for both of you.

Good luck and God bless you both.

 

[4Squarebaby]

He is a cradle Catholic and has told me that it is very important to him that we get married in a church by a priest. I was fine with that and with agreeing to raise our children Catholic (which I understand in a requirement for a protestant to marry a Catholic). However, about a year ago, he stopped going to mass regularly and started only going for major holidays.

Not exactly, he is required to remain Catholic and to do his best to see that any children he has are baptised and raised as Catholics. And you will be informed of his obligation formally. After that you are talking about the prejudices of the local priest and bishop.

 

[twoangels]

No advice on how to proceed, but…

If you’ve been engaging in sexual relationship with a man who says his faith is important to him ( I don’t know if you are. I said “if”.)

And

If he insists you baptize and raise catholic kids together because his faith is important to him
Then he abandons any meaningful practice of his faith

It’s fair to conclude his faith really isn’t that important to him. Even though he said it was.

Beyond faith issues, I’d be wondering ( if I was his future bride) " is this how I want my man to treat important things? Or do I want a man who demonstrates more commitment than this?"

Why is sex being brought up at all? She said he hasn’t been going to Mass regularly anymore. That is a violation of the first precept of the Catholic Church. That alone is a mortal sin. Are you implying that sexual activity is the yardstick to determine if a person is practicing their faith? That’s insane! There is more to being Catholic than chastity! We are called to holiness of which chastity is a part of. Heck, if he has been having sex and going to confession and making great effort to stop sinning but keeps falling into fornication, he would be practicing his faith!

 

[PatriceA]

Why is sex being brought up at all? She said he hasn’t been going to Mass regularly anymore. That is a violation of the first precept of the Catholic Church. That alone is a mortal sin. Are you implying that sexual activity is the yardstick to determine if a person is practicing their faith? That’s insane! There is more to being Catholic than chastity! We are called to holiness of which chastity is a part of. Heck, if he has been having sex and going to confession and making great effort to stop sinning but keeps falling into fornication, he would be practicing his faith!

Because its usally understood that a practicing Catholic is following the teachings of the Catholic faith, including practicing chastity before getting married. I think this particular poster is pointing a potential problem that the boyfriend in this situation is saying his faith is important to him but his actions are saying otherwise. It could be a potential red flag that the boyfriend is all talk and would lead me at least to question what else is he professing he believes and not following through with his actions.

 

[twoangels]

I’m a protestant and I’ve been dating a Catholic for three years now. We intend to get engaged as soon as I finish my degree next year and get married a year or so after that.

He is a cradle Catholic and has told me that it is very important to him that we get married in a church by a priest. I was fine with that and with agreeing to raise our children Catholic (which I understand in a requirement for a protestant to marry a Catholic). However, about a year ago, he stopped going to mass regularly and started only going for major holidays.

I’m at a lost as to how I can proceed and continue to agree to raise my children in a tradition that is not my own if he won’t put in the work to be a practicing Catholic. Any advice?

You need to talk to him about this change. It is good that you are concerned about this. Obviously, it would be much better to raise children in a devout Protestant home than in a lukewarm Holiday only but mostly secular home.

Its important to recognize that until you are engaged, you are in a period of discernment. You should not be viewing him as your future spouse or even future fiance’. Becoming engaged should just be a status meaning that you are preparing to get married. It should be a time of wedding preparations, prayer, and setting the basics up like a joint account, a place you will live together after you are married. Its nice to recognize that you’re relationship seems to be headed to marriage, but don’t put on the blinders yet with the discernment process. So talk this out with him. Talk about how you envision married life to be like and what your expectations and dreams would be in regards to faith. This may bring up some very enlightening and difficult things to deal with which may be a temptation for a heated argument that will only hurt feelings. Its important to step back after this conversation into prayer and discern whether what you’ve learned are things you can accept in marriage. You then need to pray to God to give you the wisdom and courage to do the right thing.

 

[monicatholic]

Why is sex being brought up at all? She said he hasn’t been going to Mass regularly anymore. That is a violation of the first precept of the Catholic Church. That alone is a mortal sin. Are you implying that sexual activity is the yardstick to determine if a person is practicing their faith? That’s insane! There is more to being Catholic than chastity! We are called to holiness of which chastity is a part of. Heck, if he has been having sex and going to confession and making great effort to stop sinning but keeps falling into fornication, he would be practicing his faith!

wow.

Because its usally understood that a practicing Catholic is following the teachings of the Catholic faith, including practicing chastity before getting married. I think this particular poster is pointing a potential problem that the boyfriend in this situation is saying his faith is important to him but his actions are saying otherwise. It could be a potential red flag that the boyfriend is all talk and would lead me at least to question what else is he professing he believes and not following through with his actions.

yep.

 

[Havard]

I know two couples where this dynamic has lead to problems. By “this dynamic”, I mean that in both cases, one spouse is non-Catholic and the other is a non-practicing Catholic. And in both cases, the Catholic spouse has insisted that the children “be raised Catholic”.

Unfortunately, to this non-practicing Catholic spouse, being raised Catholic meant all the ceremony (Baptism, Confession, First Communion) but none of the regular practice (weekly Mass, catechesis, etc.)

If I were you, I would try to find out if that’s where this is headed. Raising your children Catholic means a whole lot more than checking off a list of Sacraments for ceremony’s sake.

 

[twoangels]

Because its usally understood that a practicing Catholic is following the teachings of the Catholic faith, including practicing chastity before getting married. I think this particular poster is pointing a potential problem that the boyfriend in this situation is saying his faith is important to him but his actions are saying otherwise. It could be a potential red flag that the boyfriend is all talk and would lead me at least to question what else is he professing he believes and not following through with his actions.

My goodness, I could just copy and paste what you responded to in order to respond to this. Everything I said was still completely valid and it was still utterly inappropriate and unnecessary to try to force the OP to turn this conversation into another post where we all argue about sexual morality!

 

[chevalier]

I’m a protestant and I’ve been dating a Catholic for three years now. We intend to get engaged as soon as I finish my degree next year and get married a year or so after that.

He is a cradle Catholic and has told me that it is very important to him that we get married in a church by a priest. I was fine with that and with agreeing to raise our children Catholic (which I understand in a requirement for a protestant to marry a Catholic). However, about a year ago, he stopped going to mass regularly and started only going for major holidays.

I’m at a lost as to how I can proceed and continue to agree to raise my children in a tradition that is not my own if he won’t put in the work to be a practicing Catholic. Any advice?

Advise has been given already, I just want to wish you good luck.