Marrying a woman who is Catholic, but not practising

[Sephero]

Hi there.

Myself and my fiancée are both baptised Irish Catholics. However, only recently has my interest in the Catholic faith been rekindled. I am only in my questioning phase, I have my doubts about a lot of things in the faith, however, I do pray to God, and believe in Jesus Christ.

However I feel I would like a Catholic wedding, and I am prepared to go to confession, go to mass, and believe in the apostles Creed, and ask God to join us in a supernatural bond, so that He may be in our life. However, I am wondering, what is the reality of marrying someone who is, in essence I would say at the moment, opposed to the Catholic Church? She believes in God, so she is not an atheist.

I would just like to know, that God is in our lives at the moment of our marriage, and has blessed it. I know there is something about inter-faith marriages in a Catholic, Mass setting,

Thank you for your time.
God bless.

 

[1ke]

I am wondering, what is the reality of marrying someone who is, in essence I would say at the moment, opposed to the Catholic Church? She believes in God, so she is not an atheist.

It’s a very bad idea.

You must think beyond the wedding to the marriage. How will children be raised? What role will faith play in the home and in your life as a couple, as a family? Will she oppose weekly Mass attendance? Baptism and education of the children in the faith? What will you say when children ask, “why doesn’t Mommy go to church?”

I would just like to know, that God is in our lives at the moment of our marriage, and has blessed it.

Well, it takes two to receive God’s blessing.

Yes, as Catholics, you do need to marry in the Catholic form for the marriage to be valid. So, good thing you are thinking about this.

I know there is something about inter-faith marriages in a Catholic, Mass setting,

This is not an interfaith marriage. She is a Catholic.

Think long and hard about this before moving forward.

 

[Sephero]

She is a Catholic, yes, but in that sense, the most liberal you can think of.

What if she was a Muslim, or Hindu, who also believe in God, the Supreme Being?

We would also have to face the same issues you mention.

How does God bless two people, who are coming together in marriage, who have a different understanding of God? Surely God looks after other married couples, in other religions, does He not?

 

[UbiCaritas]

She is a Catholic, yes, but in that sense, the most liberal you can think of.

What if she was a Muslim, or Hindu, who also believe in God, the Supreme Being?

We would also have to face the same issues you mention.

How does God bless two people, who are coming together in marriage, who have a different understanding of God? Surely God looks after other married couples, in other religions, does He not?

Sure He does. The thing is, the Catholic understanding of marriage is so fundamentally different from any other that, while interreligious marriages with a Catholic can work, it can be extremely difficult for the non-Catholic (or nonpracticing) spouse.

Take, for example, the issue that seems to come up most often on this forum: NFP. Is your fiancé willing to take on quite a lot of the effort of tracking her cycles every month that you and she feel it would be imprudent to add children to your family? Would she be willing to forgo sex at the time of the month that most women prefer it–i.e., when she’s fertile? And I’m not talking about for a few months or years: if the two of you are in your mid-twenties, you could be looking at decades of this yet to come. That’s not even getting into postpartum NFP once you’ve had a baby, a phase which is notoriously difficult to handle and which often results in months of abstinence.

In marrying in the Church, you are agreeing to raise your children in the faith. That means that even if she won’t go to Mass on Sunday, you take them. Every week. Period. Every holy day, ditto. And yes, you have to teach them that some of the things she does and believes are wrong. This can be, to put it mildly, taxing on a marriage.

Now, I have seen one interfaith marriage that worked long-term; as it happens, about 15 years in, the non-Catholic spouse converted. However, it was quite difficult for them, and your situation is complicated by the fact that your fiancé is Catholic, if not practicing, with all the rights and responsibilities thereof. The way that you will be expected to raise your children will be, quite naturally, something of a slap in the face to her, and one that is ongoing for all of their lives unless either she starts practicing or you leave the Church. Are you comfortable with basing a marriage on that? I wouldn’t be.

 

[Allegra]

She is a Catholic, yes, but in that sense, the most liberal you can think of.

What if she was a Muslim, or Hindu, who also believe in God, the Supreme Being?

We would also have to face the same issues you mention.

How does God bless two people, who are coming together in marriage, who have a different understanding of God? Surely God looks after other married couples, in other religions, does He not?

It sounds like living out the faith was not emphasized in your house growing up and I can relate to how you feel. My parents were officially Catholic, but they considered religion something that you fit into your life how you saw fit. They didn’t make their life choices based on the tenants of the faith, they selected the parts of the faith they liked based on how it fit into the lifestyle they had already chosen. While they were Catholic in name, it was obvious to me growing up that their religion and “god” was self-invented, brought out on special occasions and to back them up when they were disciplining us, and not at all real.

I received no religious education until high school history and humanities when I was taught a public-school neutralized version of what “Catholic people believe”. I didn’t become interested in the faith or really believe in God at all until then, when I began to read the history behind Jesus, the apostles, the martyrs, and began to be exposed to thought processes of people who actually believed in Christ to the point that they changed their life and made amazing sacrifices. This was completely different from the version of Christianity I had learned at home that basically involved an occasional Advent calander and remembering how Jesus said that the most important commandment is to never talk back to your mother.

The point is, as one grows in their faith, Christ becomes less of a historical probability or nice idea at Christmas time. He becomes a real person in one’s life. A Christian finds themselves forming their life around His teachings in ways that extend far beyond not killing anybody and having a fish and beer fest on Fridays during Lent. For example, they may say “no” to a soccer league that takes up the whole weekend, making it impossible to attend Mass. They may turn down invitations and activities that are planned for holy days of obligation or plan family vacations around such times. They may grow apart from former friends that gossip, drink too much and act disrespectfully, lie, go to strip clubs, etc because they find themselves uncomfortable to be around them. They may give up time and treasure in order to serve the Church and the poor. They may give up a good-paying job because it requires them to violate their conscience. They may forgo conventional “wisdom” on the use of birth control in their marriage.

It’s really hard to do that successfully in a “mixed faith” marriage, or what Scripture called being “unevenly yoked”. That’s why it’s a bad idea to enter into such a marriage. Do they always fail? Of course not. There are many stories of mixed marriages that have worked out well, because the non-Catholic spouse is respectful of the faith of the Catholic spouse and chooses to support them in raising the children in the faith. There have also been nightmares of marriages that end in amazing conversion stories. So, no one can say, “No. God will not bless this union.” But statistically speaking, it is a hard road and generally results in more households like the one I was raised in.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I realize it’s difficult to hear this after you’ve already become attached to someone to the point of considering marriage, but I’ll say it anyway - think long and hard. Think on all the points others have made and more. Years ago I was going with a guy who was a fallen-away Catholic. He sort of “halfway” came back as in he started going to Sunday Mass again, but he didn’t get the need to go to Confession before receiving Communion, I had to nag him about Holydays of Obligation, things like that.

Our relationship was dysfunctional in other ways, mainly the fact that I wanted commitment and he was content to string me along - and I allowed him to - in some cases begged him to continue in the relationship - because of my own fears and insecurities. What finally broke us up - after two years of this constant emptiness that ate my soul - was that he emphatically stated that he didn’t ever want children. That finally opened my eyes.

Point is, I kept hoping I could magically change him into the Catholic man I dreamed of, and from there the Catholic husband and happy Catholic father of at least 4 kids. I was young and stupid. Now I know “what you see is what you get” and you can’t change someone else. I try now to warn other people not to be make that mistake themselves, because it will hurt. A lot. If not today or tomorrow, down the road. God bless you as you take all this in and may you be strong if you discern it may be better to hold off on marriage or even end this relationship.

 

[1ke]

She is a Catholic, yes, but in that sense, the most liberal you can think of.

So, again, important to discern if this is what you want your children to be brought up learning from their mother. How will you handle child rearing? How will you have an active faith life in your home? How will you practice your faith and educate your children in the faith?

What if she was a Muslim, or Hindu, who also believe in God, the Supreme Being?

Same thing. Is this the person that you want to found a family with, have children with, and have that person be the dominant religious influence in your child’s life? How will have a religious home life?

We would also have to face the same issues you mention.

Yes, of course. But with a Catholic who is opposed to Church teaching, they are actually worse. They often are very vocal about it, more apt to make derogatory comments, ridicule you for your practice of the faith, and share all these bad feelings toward the church with their children.

How does God bless two people, who are coming together in marriage, who have a different understanding of God? Surely God looks after other married couples, in other religions, does He not?

God allows us to make choices and we live with the consequences. Scripture is replete with warning against such alliances. God will give us grace to help us to the extent possible when another is exercising their free will against God.

Honestly. Difference of religion is a major source of stress, discord, and fights. All I can say is think carefully about the home life you want to have in a marriage.

 

[phil19034]

I married my Jewish wife before returning to the faith.

She has a very hard time with the fact that I’ve become faithful. One day, she “caught” me saying grace to myself and was very put off. She will say things like “I didn’t marry someone who prays”

She claims she believes in God, but I don’t understand why praying is such a bad thing for her.

Religious differences are very hard. Marriage between people with different beliefs can work if the beliefs are respected.

If you significant other is simply non-practicing but still has respect for the Church, then perhaps it can work, and perhaps you could bring her back (many come back when they have kids).

It’s one thing if she has trouble with or struggles with certain Church teachings; but if she doesn’t respect the Church then that’s a MAJOR red flag.

So I would ask yourself the following:

1. does she respect church or no?
2. if she does respect the church, but has trouble with some teachings (i.e. birth control, abortion, women priests, gay marriage, the pope, confession, Real Presence, mass attendance, etc); does she mostly keep it to herself or is she vocal in her dissent? What about her body language?
3. if she keeps her issues to herself, is she willing to give the Church the benefit of the doubt and raise the kids according to the Faith? Or will she press her issues on the children?
4. would she truly respect your faith or will she mock it? Meaning, would she get mad that you want to attend mass on Sunday instead of doing chores around the house or running errands? Would she allow you to say Grace at meals or pray the rosary with your kids? Would she allow the faith to be part of your lives 7 days a week, or just for 1 hour on Sunday plus CCD?

From experience, differences in religious beliefs can be a MAJOR stress on a marriage, especially if one spouse does not respect the other’s religious beliefs.

God Speed my friend.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hi there.

Myself and my fiancée are both baptised Irish Catholics. However, only recently has my interest in the Catholic faith been rekindled. I am only in my questioning phase, I have my doubts about a lot of things in the faith, however, I do pray to God, and believe in Jesus Christ.

However I feel I would like a Catholic wedding, and I am prepared to go to confession, go to mass, and believe in the apostles Creed, and ask God to join us in a supernatural bond, so that He may be in our life. However, I am wondering, what is the reality of marrying someone who is, in essence I would say at the moment, opposed to the Catholic Church? She believes in God, so she is not an atheist.

I would just like to know, that God is in our lives at the moment of our marriage, and has blessed it. I know there is something about inter-faith marriages in a Catholic, Mass setting,

Thank you for your time.
God bless.

I’m just guessing that she probably opposes the Church on some pretty big issues. Birth Control, abortion, and SSM.
So I ask you, do you wish to marry someone who wants to lie to you with her body, kill your unborn children, and has no concept of the purpose of the bond you wish to enter into?

 

[Memaw]

Hi there.

Myself and my fiancée are both baptised Irish Catholics. However, only recently has my interest in the Catholic faith been rekindled. I am only in my questioning phase, I have my doubts about a lot of things in the faith, however, I do pray to God, and believe in Jesus Christ.

However I feel I would like a Catholic wedding, and I am prepared to go to confession, go to mass, and believe in the apostles Creed, and ask God to join us in a supernatural bond, so that He may be in our life. However, I am wondering, what is the reality of marrying someone who is, in essence I would say at the moment, opposed to the Catholic Church? She believes in God, so she is not an atheist.

I would just like to know, that God is in our lives at the moment of our marriage, and has blessed it. I know there is something about inter-faith marriages in a Catholic, Mass setting,

Thank you for your time.
God bless.

You need to give this a LOT of heartfelt thought. Maybe a long engagement will give you both time to work things out carefully. Let her know how you feel but I wouldn’t pressure her but just give her plenty of time to learn how important this is to you and eventually to your marriage and raising of children. It’s NOT easy raising kids with a spouse that doesn’t agree for whatever reason. And a Mothers love and teaching is soooo important to raising kids, especially today with so much going against the family. I helped my son raised 2 of my grandkids whose mother left them at age 2 and 5, and they still as adults are hurt by their mother’s lifestyle. They were happy kids but always questions about their mother and why she left them. we never said anything against their mother as they grew up but now they have learned for themselves and are not happy about it. God help our families. God Bless, Memaw
P.S. Don’t ever count on “changing” someone, it rarely ever works.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I married my Jewish wife before returning to the faith.

She has a very hard time with the fact that I’ve become faithful. One day, she “caught” me saying grace to myself and was very put off. She will say things like “I didn’t marry someone who prays”

She claims she believes in God, but I don’t understand why praying is such a bad thing for her.

Religious differences are very hard. Marriage between people with different beliefs can work if the beliefs are respected.

If you significant other is simply non-practicing but still has respect for the Church, then perhaps it can work, and perhaps you could bring her back (many come back when they have kids).

It’s one thing if she has trouble with or struggles with certain Church teachings; but if she doesn’t respect the Church then that’s a MAJOR red flag.

So I would ask yourself the following:

1. does she respect church or no?
2. if she does respect the church, but has trouble with some teachings (i.e. birth control, abortion, women priests, gay marriage, the pope, confession, Real Presence, mass attendance, etc); does she mostly keep it to herself or is she vocal in her dissent? What about her body language?
3. if she keeps her issues to herself, is she willing to give the Church the benefit of the doubt and raise the kids according to the Faith? Or will she press her issues on the children?
4. would she truly respect your faith or will she mock it? Meaning, would she get mad that you want to attend mass on Sunday instead of doing chores around the house or running errands? Would she allow you to say Grace at meals or pray the rosary with your kids? Would she allow the faith to be part of your lives 7 days a week, or just for 1 hour on Sunday plus CCD?

From experience, differences in religious beliefs can be a MAJOR stress on a marriage, especially if one spouse does not respect the other’s religious beliefs.

God Speed my friend.

There’s also the issue that while she may be able to be courteous and polite about another adult’s beliefs, even a spouse’s, it can be another thing entirely to have one’s children brought up to believe that what you’re doing is wrong and sinful–quite understandably straining to a marriage. And if she outright detests a lot of Catholic beliefs, having her children raised to believe them would be…difficult, to say the least. Either she’d be in a position of watching her children learn to believe things she genuinely finds abhorrent, or she’ll be in a position of trying to keep that from happening and therefore having the kids exposed to nonstop conflict between mom and dad over religious matters–enough, one imagines, to do a bang-up job of turning everyone involved against religion, and especially Catholicism.

 

[lax16]

Hi there.

Myself and my fiancée are both baptised Irish Catholics. However, only recently has my interest in the Catholic faith been rekindled. I am only in my questioning phase, I have my doubts about a lot of things in the faith, however, I do pray to God, and believe in Jesus Christ.

However I feel I would like a Catholic wedding, and I am prepared to go to confession, go to mass, and believe in the apostles Creed, and ask God to join us in a supernatural bond, so that He may be in our life. However, I am wondering, what is the reality of marrying someone who is, in essence I would say at the moment, opposed to the Catholic Church? She believes in God, so she is not an atheist.

I would just like to know, that God is in our lives at the moment of our marriage, and has blessed it. I know there is something about inter-faith marriages in a Catholic, Mass setting,

Thank you for your time.
God bless.

Hello- I am in an inter-faith marriage and I can tell you, it can be very difficult to be married to someone with a different belief system. The thinking between a religious, practicing Catholic and that of another person is so completely different.

The problems are most evident when it comes to birth control, raising children in the faith and keeping the kids in the faith through the turbulent years. Non-practicing Catholcs can take issue with all of the hot topic issues that Catholics hold most dear to them.

I would strongly urge you to postpone an engagement/wedding and focus on learning your faith first. I tell my own children the same thing. My suggestion - marry your own (religion).

 

[phil19034]

There’s also the issue that while she may be able to be courteous and polite about another adult’s beliefs, even a spouse’s, it can be another thing entirely to have one’s children brought up to believe that what you’re doing is wrong and sinful–quite understandably straining to a marriage. And if she outright detests a lot of Catholic beliefs, having her children raised to believe them would be…difficult, to say the least. Either she’d be in a position of watching her children learn to believe things she genuinely finds abhorrent, or she’ll be in a position of trying to keep that from happening and therefore having the kids exposed to nonstop conflict between mom and dad over religious matters–enough, one imagines, to do a bang-up job of turning everyone involved against religion, and especially Catholicism.

true

 

[SilverLight]

I think you need to talk to her perhaps. Be happy though that you are indeed both Catholic and can relate on that level. What matters is that you respect her beliefs and she does so to you also. I’m Catholic I just don’t go to church all the time due to work and college. I still believe in God though and I go on holidays and when I can.